H being selfish

[Fulltimeparent]

Hi , don't know where to start really told H to get me a milkshake on the way back home because he had gone out of town. Preceding to say he was tired and needed the toilet so he didn't get it. I was really angry and upset being pregnant I really wanted one. Not really talking now I said I only asked for one thing you can't do it for me. I really don't ask for much. He starts shouting and swearing that was 3 days ago . He told my eldest to go and get one what was the point after swearing and shouting. He told me to make a cup of tea I said I wouldn't. I guess I just wanted to vent.

You both need to grow up a bit. I'd not be catering to your demands for milkshakes etc, your pregnant not incapacitated. Only spoilt people demand presents especially for giving birth.

He needs to stop the shouting and swearing.

Life sounds chaotic and there are six children to potentially be affected by this and will learn from how you both act.

Diana- will take your advice on board hope will have a chat when the kids have gone to school, the kids know we are not talking at the moment.

I'm with Offred, and I say that as somebody who's currently up the spout and knows how weird it makes you about food.

Your reaction to his not bringing you a milkshake was ridiculous, and I can't imagine anything I could possibly have cared less about on postnatal ward than whether my husband brought me flowers. He was there, helping, caring, holding his son. That's what mattered.

You both need to grow up and establish a relationship that's built on consideration and kindness, not being bought things, sulks, screaming and rows.

Oh dear

I would of not had a second child with him if he was that bad let alone 6th

Surely if your next excuse is condom split, pill got chucked up when bout of food poisoning I'll start to think why you kept having sex with him

You chose this man for all your children and you knew what he was like so what a internet forum can offer you I don't know.

OP, I think I understand how you feel. Maybe a little worn down, a little unappreciated and a little unloved. You're not looking for some grand romantic gesture, just a little something (flowers or even a milkshake) to make you feel appreciated.

Disquieted1 - you know exactly how I feel it's the small things when someone does something like that it makes you feel soo good. Like you said no grand gestures he doesn't do them I wouldn't want that . When you live with someone for so long you get to know their like and dislikes .

But full it would have been apparent that he was mr shouty sweary thoughtless man at most after dc2 surely?

I don’t think it is unreasonable for you to expect some care and no shouty sweatiness but honestly it is ridiculous to keep on having children (which increase your need for him to be kind, caring and thoughtful) with him and wishing he was a different person...

He is who he is. All you can do is put up with him or leave him. At this point it must be clear that he is not going to become a totally different person to the one he is.

Finally talking now I'm the one nearly always give in after a few tears hopefully will have a chat about a lot of things when the kids are gone to school.

You appear to just be in a stalemate where you both behave like children. This is stupid.

Offred - sure I know where your coming from I don't want to leave because of the kids we have a lot of talking to do work out what we both want , my sister has passed away she has three kids living with grandparents their dad doesn't give a crap they are going off the rails. I don't want that to happen to my kids.

I’m sorry about your sister, that does ad an element of explanation re why you have ended up here.

The only thing I would say is that your kids are learning from you and your h how to be men and women and how relationships between men and women work. They will be looking at things through eyes that see everything for what it actually is (upset DM, shouty sweary DF, sulking, not speaking etc) rather than what you want them to see (that you are married and love each other).

I always try to resolve thing quickly when we argue about anything , it's not good for the kids to see .

It doesn’t really sound like you have resolved things though, it sounds more like you have been squashing down the problems with his shouty sweary and inconsiderate behaviour so that there isn’t tension anymore.

And that’s why they then explode out over seemingly quite small issues like the milkshake.

He was rude, you were being hard work. Can’t you just kiss & make up

This is why people are saying different versions of; ‘if things are escalating to this level over silly things like a milkshake your relationship is over’

All marriages go through up and downs I'm sure will can work through things . I'm going to try I hope he will too. I suppose being sleep deprived doesn't help when the kids are home on the weekends being noisy and he has to work nights. I have said find a different job.

He's been on dating sites, treats you like shit and you still have sex with him

Nothing else to say but good luck

Shouty swearing then not talking for three days over a row about a milkshake is a bit more than the ‘ups and downs’ of marriage TBH.

It might have become normal in your marriage but that’s not a good thing.

I get that for you the milkshake wasn’t the thing, it is that it was symbolic of his selfishness and general lack of care, but it is still a ridiculous thing to have got so out of hand.

Urgh.... I’ve just read your history...

So he goes on dating websites, watches porn even though you don’t like it, tries to control what you wear and doesn’t like you wearing make up and your 19 year old is copying his shouty swearing behaviour to the point that a passer by called the police about a disturbance?!

Did you want this many children with him or is he also SA?

This is a horrendous relationship, he treats you really badly and your children are already modelling his behaviour. I really hope you come to understand that you deserve better than this.

Staying primarily for the children is not a good reason at all to stay within this marriage. He is selfish to a fault and has probably been so throughout your entire marriage. What does he bring to the table?.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents; what did yours teach you and what are you both teaching your children now about relationships?.

Would you want your children as adults to have a relationship like yours is?. You are also doing your bit here to show these young people that this is still acceptable to you on some level.

Ah... I see that yes he is also SA and leaves you feeling used...

This is truly horrendous, I am so so sorry about how he treats you. I really hope you will get away from him.

The lack a milkshake is the very least of the problems here in your marriage. Its his overall contempt for you that is evident here in his actions and that is far bigger an issue. Your children are mirroring what they are seeing around them in your home.

Offred - OMG sounds like I have really put it out there, if I was someone else reading this looks really bad I should have changed my username maybe I'm like my Mum she has been through thick and thin with my dad.