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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just want my family back

74 replies

Louiseandhercubs · 09/12/2017 07:20

So moving on from my previous post but to set the record for anyone who didn't read it. It's very clear my partner/ex partner is having some form of breakdown. He's making no effort to permanently split. He's moved to his mums (next door) still pays all the bills on the house that he always paid, and has made no effort to stop this. He brings me things back from work, they could be free but still it's large candles, fit bit style watches, he comes to see the kids but will hover like he doesn't want to leave, but if I ask him to stay he won't. I've asked him to try and he just says "he can't" or "I've got nothing in me" he's clearly not happy since he left, he himself admitted he isn't happy.

So my question was, I really want my family back. How do I get it back, whilst he's having the breakdown/MLC/depression? (He's refusing to acknowledge that it's one of these but both me and his whole family are convinced)

OP posts:
BillywilliamV · 09/12/2017 07:24

This must’ve awful for you and the kids, not at all qualified to give advice but maybe if you give him s little time, without too much pressure, if you can bear it?

Original poster
Louiseandhercubs · 09/12/2017 07:26

The main problem I have is it's quite clear something isn't right mentally with him but he's refusing to admit it. So he can't even get the help he needs. He was brought up very "men don't do this" "men don't cry" "men do this" and I knew the moment he cried during the break up that something wasn't right.

OP posts:
BillywilliamV · 09/12/2017 07:44

What is his Mum saying?

Original poster
Louiseandhercubs · 09/12/2017 07:47

His mum is also convinced he's having some form of breakdown. She's been telling me the whole time that "something isn't right with him" as he spends his time alone in the box room. There's not even a TV in there and he doesn't read, so it's just him and his thoughts. He hasn't really "unpacked" his bin bags. His mum put some of his clean washing on the shelves but other than that he's living out of the bin bags. He's not eating, not really anyway he's just picking bits here and there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Louiseandhercubs · 09/12/2017 07:47

His mum has been in tears three times now because of how he is and it's hurting her seeing him like that

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BillywilliamV · 09/12/2017 08:45

So awful for all of you, wish I could think of something to help but I guess he has to realise he needs help.

Original poster
Louiseandhercubs · 09/12/2017 09:00

Even now if I ask him to come back he'll just say "I can't" but won't elaborate any further. He won't/can't give any answers either.

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Jobjobjob · 09/12/2017 09:10

How very sad for all involved.

He needs to see a doctor, which you probably already know. I think the thing is to be kind and tell him everyone is there for him that you just want him to feel well.

Thanks for you

Original poster
Louiseandhercubs · 09/12/2017 09:28

I have tried getting him to a doctor. He even made an appointment but then when I asked him why he went he said "for my headaches" so I don't know if that was always the reason he went, or if he just didn't tell the doctor and went with the headache situation. He's so closed off which is very unlike him. He can't give a answer for anything, not just about the relationship but even things like the kids

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CheapSausagesAndSpam · 09/12/2017 09:32

It sounds terrible OP. All I can offer you is that to cope just for now....completely take the pressure of him. Allow him to come and go....he might be severely depressed.

Original poster
Louiseandhercubs · 09/12/2017 09:40

That's where I think I struggle because I don't want to apply any pressure to him. Whenever I ask him to come back or to try and get our relationship working all he says is "everyone says X" and I ofs have no control over what other people say to him but I also know, if he was back in the family home, back with the kids etc things would be easier for him.

We had the original argument three weeks ago on Wednesday evening and the Wednesday morning we were our doing usual family things, Christmas shopping, bite to eat etc and he himself admitted that in the morning he was happy, he wanted the relationship and he wasn't having any doubts

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user21 · 09/12/2017 09:43

Could you change this routine in some way?

You and the children go to his Mums for dinner some nights, even if it means you taking or cooking it there.
Ask him to look after the children whilst you go out somewhere.
Be out when he comes home from work.

Mix it up, in a nice way. It may make him think.

kiki69 · 09/12/2017 09:45

I'm so sorry you going through this. I'm in the same situation but unfortunately we are living together, my dp was diagnosed with depression before, but few months ago stopped his medication and crashed again. He's getting bit better now taking his pills again, but still unable to make any decision. He wants to leave, but won't leave and won't make any move. He's just deeply unhappy and wants to be on his own. I don't have any good advice, except look after yourself and your kids and try to get him to the doctor and remember you can't make him better, he needs to do this for himself.

Nazdarovye · 09/12/2017 09:46

Classic midlife crisis

Bananamanfan · 09/12/2017 09:49

Could you get him to the dr on the basis that it may be something physical? My sister had encephalitis (brain swelling caused by virus or bacterial infection). In her case it was only a week or so of not being right and then very serious illness, but in other cases it can manifest in strange behaviour for months.

hollowtree · 09/12/2017 09:49

kiki said it perfectly. Be kind to yourself OP this must be really hard for you xx

Original poster
Louiseandhercubs · 09/12/2017 09:58

Yes I have tried to get him to the doctors. I'm struggling with the balance of "You need to see someone" (I say it nicely!) and also not pushing him too far.

Had he just said "look I don't want to be with you it's over" and everything about him was completely like him. I honestly would be fine but he's not himself. He recently got his bike license and bought himself a yellow Harley Davidson and he used to go to the "hog" meetings and he's not even going to any of them. Tonight is the "hog" party and he has no plans to go there. He literally has not one real friend he could talk to

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Original poster
Louiseandhercubs · 09/12/2017 10:02

With regards to eating at his mum, last Sunday his mum invited me and the girls over for Sunday dinner. I didn't feel it was appropriate for me to be there as it was due to his work schedule one of the few times he could see the girls so I figured him having one on one time with them would be much better, but instead he was like "are you not coming for Sunday dinner" his mum said he wasn't happy I wasn't there

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HarmlessChap · 09/12/2017 10:06

As I said on your previous thread you've given him very mixed messages.

He's said he has no more fight left, he's admitted defeat, that could be he's defeated by the external situations or if the arguments, saying horrid things and trying to blackmail him are regular things within your relatipnship then it could be he's defeated by the relationship itself or a combination of all of it.

It does sound as though he's having some kind of break down and loss of self worth, only he can help himself on that all you can do is be there for him.

I presume you actually do tell him you and the kids love him, miss him and want him to come home?

Original poster
Louiseandhercubs · 09/12/2017 10:10

Yes I've made it very clear to him that we love the bones of him and even when I've said that to him he will say things like "you deserve someone better" "you deserve to find someone who will love you better than I can"

We had a chat the other night where we both apologised for things that have been said our or anger and he himself admitted that he never believed anything that was said but then this week has been rough for the kids. They have had Nativity practice. Choir practice. Gymnastics etc. So from Tuesday onwards they've been in bed from 5-5:30 and I've felt awful as he doesn't finish work until 6-6:30 so he hasn't seen them since Monday

OP posts:
Original poster
Louiseandhercubs · 09/12/2017 10:12

The horrid things that have been said etc are not regular and have only been to try and snap him out of the mood (before I cottoned on to actually how serious it was!) as a regular our relationship was very loving.....most people we meet see us as a very strong united couple

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Offred · 09/12/2017 10:17

Honestly I think you just need to stop indulging this and worrying about him.

You can’t get your family back if he is being like this.

His mum is part of the couple who brought him up lacking in necessary emotional skills so if it’s tough for her to watch him being like this then it’s at least partly her problem in the first place.

It is not your problem or your kids’ problem.

I would stop him coming around and hanging around with gifts and a hang dog face.

Make it clear that you expect him to sort himself out, deal with his responsibilities and that you will be getting on with your life in the meantime.

Original poster
Louiseandhercubs · 09/12/2017 10:18

And just to clarify (not that it makes it better) but the blackmailing (I don't like that term) wasn't a case of "if you don't do this I'm gonna do this" it was more "you can't leave us. We need you here. It's Christmas. The kids need you"

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Offred · 09/12/2017 10:29

I don’t think you or his mum are helping him at all by fussing over him and letting him do whatever he wants.

Adults who have children and a wife have responsibilities to others. That’s the reality. If he is so unwell that he feels he can’t uphold those responsibilities at the moment then he needs to get help.

If he won’t get help then there is literally not a single thing that you can do that will improve this situation. He has to improve it and if he won’t/can’t it won’t/can’t improve.

You cannot allow yourself and your kids to also be dragged under by his personal problems. You would be very unwise to continue in this limbo where everyone is tiptoeing around him too, contact he has with his children is meant to be about him adding things to their lives, not about everyone making him feel better - that is a terrible message to send kids that will potentially stay with them for their own adult relationships.

Original poster
Louiseandhercubs · 09/12/2017 11:49

Just to make matters worse, its transpired that his car slipped on ice and the front of it is all smashed up. Which is going to cost a lot, but also make getting to and from work awkward

OP posts:
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