I just want my family back

[Louiseandhercubs]

So moving on from my previous post but to set the record for anyone who didn't read it. It's very clear my partner/ex partner is having some form of breakdown. He's making no effort to permanently split. He's moved to his mums (next door) still pays all the bills on the house that he always paid, and has made no effort to stop this. He brings me things back from work, they could be free but still it's large candles, fit bit style watches, he comes to see the kids but will hover like he doesn't want to leave, but if I ask him to stay he won't. I've asked him to try and he just says "he can't" or "I've got nothing in me" he's clearly not happy since he left, he himself admitted he isn't happy.

So my question was, I really want my family back. How do I get it back, whilst he's having the breakdown/MLC/depression? (He's refusing to acknowledge that it's one of these but both me and his whole family are convinced)

Well he can go to work on his stupid MLC Harley then, can't he?
Or sell it and use it to repair his car.

He does sound ill, but you and his mother need to toughen up. Set your boundaries. I know you're ill, I love you, I will support you - but only when you are in treatment for your illness. He gives you a sodding candle, tell him "you know I don't want this, I want you to get well", and give it back.

Sorry, I know that was harsh and it sounds horrendous. But I agree with everything Offred said. The way you're all acting around him right now isn't going to help him, and it's going to drag you down too.

Well technically he could go to work on the Harley but it's not the best one to start, again he could sell it but then with it beinf winter it's the worst time to sell sk he would loose a good £1-£1.5k on the price.

I also agree with what's being said. I know I'm being too soft but I'm very cautious of pushing him too far and making it worse. I've tried remaining calm but I admit it's hard but I want him to know he can unload what's weighing him down.

His car is his problem though isn’t it? So is him getting to his work...

He has left you. He has moved out.

I'm very cautious of pushing him too far and making it worse. I've tried remaining calm but I admit it's hard but I want him to know he can unload what's weighing him down.

If you being allowed to exist with your own needs and feelings ‘pushes him too far’ then you need to be far away from him and completely not involved in his life.

Again - You have split up. He has left and moved out. He doesn’t get to ‘unload what is weighing him down’ on you. That is what happens when you tell your wife you are leaving her and you move out.

IMO what you and his mother are doing in actual fact is prolonging this period of incapacity by taking all his responsibility from him.

How will he learn to be capable of everyone around him is all the time reinforcing that he isn’t capable?

But by not pushing him, what incentive does he have to make things better?

Sit him down. You need a maintaince payment and to sort out a contact schedule. Take his name off the bills. Show him the reality if he doesn’t sort this.

That’s not to say it would be fair to expect him just to ‘get over it’ in one go...

I’m not suggesting that at all, clearly he has a skills gap and he needs to learn some things in order to be a fully functioning adult (emotional skills, when/how/where to seek help etc). I’m not suggesting that you should be entirely cold to him either... but he does need there to be some expectations on him otherwise he will feel worse about himself and it will actually prevent him getting better.

What age are your kids op? It must be very confusing for them. He has moved out and left you. You cannot make him change his mind. I would sit down with him next week and start to formalise his contact with the kids so he is not dropping in and out of your home as he pleases. Put your kids first.

Also, his car didn't slip on ice by itself, did it? That's a weirdly passive way to describe it.

He crunched his car.

That is unfortunate and probably gave him a shock, but presumably it's insured and at least it's fixable.

Letting him wobble and being scared of pushing him isn't helping him. Maybe he needs to bump down to earth fully instead of having you all protecting him. He needs to make the moves for treatment himself.

I’d be surprised for example if he felt that you being scared to exist in case it pushed him over the edge was empowering or pleasant. It probably just reinforces his belief that he is a bad person you can do without.

He will be picking up that you are afraid of his illness.

As we speak he pays the full rent on the house, as he always did. He pays Netflix sky and water. The gas and electric I do as they are meter.

My children are6,3 and 1. Luckily with his job, they were periods he would leave for work before they woke up, and be back when they were already in bed. So to them he's just working because it's busy at work. Which is lucky I guess.

Yes he was the one to smash it.

I totally understand what your saying. I really really do. It's just finding the balance between okay this is your bed, you've made it. Lie in it and completely cold

And if he is very depressed he likely won’t be able to separate his illness from himself.

To be able to seek and accept help he will need to learn to separate the illness from himself and see it as something that can and should be treated and at least recognise the possibility that he may be capable of recovering.

Your children are very young then. I’m sorry that you are dealing with this, it is very easy to understand how you’ve fallen into this pattern re him with 3 small dc.

Well our youngest daughter, was a complete shock. We didn't know we were expecting until 21 weeks pregnant and since she's had a few health issues and spent a few times in hospital. She hasn't had a hospital stint since June time

Maybe you could sit down and write a list of things that are, for you personally, priorities. Let him off (and try hard not to have share any opinions) everything else but keep in mind those things that are actually really justifiably things that are important; that he seeks help could be one, making proper quality time for the DC once a week could be another.

Then you need strategies to bolster his confidence that he is capable of meeting these limited responsibilities IMO.

Yes I suppose that is a good idea.

As we speak he's just taken my youngest and oldest out. Middle one has a birthday party I'm taking her too.

This is where I struggle because he's currently working 6 days in and 2 off. It used to be 4 on 4 off. But I know he needs time to clear his head out but I don't know when I can properly give him that without being "no I'm having the kids. You can't see them"

What does "IMO" mean?

IMO in my opinion

In my opinion

Haven't read your previous thread so apologies if I've missed something, but you said here:

"We had the original argument three weeks ago on Wednesday evening and the Wednesday morning we were our doing usual family things, Christmas shopping, bite to eat etc and he himself admitted that in the morning he was happy, he wanted the relationship and he wasn't having any doubts" why were you having conversations in the morning about whether he was having doubts about the relationship? Surely that is an indication that this hasn't actually come out of nowhere but has been building for some time but that it all came to a head on the Wednesday evening?

Added to which, I agree with @offred you're not doing anyone, not least yourself or your kids, any favours by pandering to this. And it is pandering, as hard as that sounds.

I understand that it's apparently down to MH problems. But even MH problems can destroy a relationship. The person suffering needs to want to get help, and clearly he doesn't.

You now have to rebuild your own life with your DC's, learn to live as a single parent, show him that he and he alone is responsible for himself, and then, and only then can you be genuinely in a place to rebuild your relationship if that's what he wants.

But for now you need to assume that actually, that's not what he wants, and neither can you take responsibility for his failings both as a partner and as a parent.

So tell him that you need to work out a visitation schedule for the DC's, assuming his MH means he is safe to be with the DC's. If not then I would tell him that as you don't feel he's safe to be with the DC's alone he needs to get help to be there.

Reality here is that he is capable of being responsible for things, but while you and his mother are pandering to his poor me attitude he's not having to take responsibility.

But he managed to move out independently and tell you that the marriage was over? He's managed to go out and buy a Harley with (presumably family) money, now he needs to take responsibility for his health. If he's not prepared to do that then he and he alone is responsible for how things turn out. And if that means you move on and file for divorce then so be it.

I don't think he does need "time to clear his head out", and that's your big mistake.

Apparently he's spending time staring into space in his childhood bedroom anyway.

Look, if he has depression, a GP may suggest all sorts of things. Medication, talking therapy, exercise.
What they probably won't suggest is sitting around stewing.

If time away from you all is therapeutic then fine arrange it. But I don't think that's the treatment he needs. It's going to nake the situation worse for everyone.

No the convo about him being happy on Wednesday morning was had AFTER he left. Not before.

In honesty he was more pushed to move out. I hadn't realised he had potentially MH problems so when he was sat on the sofa staring into space all glum and woe is me. I was like "just go. Go. Just go" I had just assumed he was having a paddy, and was hoping this would snap him out of it.

If he is managing to work then he is capable of arranging regular time to see his children, sorting out his car etc

It may be that he is so unwell that he needs to put some of the effort he is putting into work ATM into the rest of his responsibilities but it is really up to him to sort that out.

Is some of the stuff then guilt about asking him to go?

FWIW I think asking him to go rather than sit around being glum was not a bad decision.