I just want my family back

[Louiseandhercubs]

So moving on from my previous post but to set the record for anyone who didn't read it. It's very clear my partner/ex partner is having some form of breakdown. He's making no effort to permanently split. He's moved to his mums (next door) still pays all the bills on the house that he always paid, and has made no effort to stop this. He brings me things back from work, they could be free but still it's large candles, fit bit style watches, he comes to see the kids but will hover like he doesn't want to leave, but if I ask him to stay he won't. I've asked him to try and he just says "he can't" or "I've got nothing in me" he's clearly not happy since he left, he himself admitted he isn't happy.

So my question was, I really want my family back. How do I get it back, whilst he's having the breakdown/MLC/depression? (He's refusing to acknowledge that it's one of these but both me and his whole family are convinced)

He has made a effort to see the kids, he usually works 6-6 but it's a bit hard because he usually wants to come in the evening and see them but that's when usually my youngest is already in bed or it's bath and bed time etx for them. They lead hectic days so bedtime is early for us

Him coming to see the kids needs to be at a time when it is good for the kids - I don’t think you have made a bad decision there either.

What I meant was really that I support your decision re seeing them at a time that benefits them and that is his job to work around their schedule not their job to work around his work.

He needs to make time to see them on his 2 days off.

And if he thinks that working 6 days and seeing the kids on his off days is too much then he needs to make concessions re keeping up his work, not expect his relationship with his kids to suffer/bear the cost.

IMO you would be best to apply for benefits so you are not dependent on him paying the rent.

I wouldn’t count insisting that he can only manage seeing them at a time they are needing to be asleep because it has to be a day he has been working is him making an effort to see them BTW.

That’s him prioritising putting on an act to get through his work and not him actually trying to learn to cope with all his responsibilities.

Eventually he will probably find he can’t cope with work either (in fact this may be close since he has crashed his car - is he safe to drive?).

He does usually see them on his days off but like his days off are now Saturday and Sunday and I also want time with them. So recently his 2 off have been when they are in school.

Yes he seems safe to drive. But I don't know how he will be moving forward as his day off is Monday so won't know till then.

I think it’s a good idea to relieve some of your anxiety about this by securing you and the children as financially independent from him as much as possible. You don’t need to be also worrying about ‘what happens to the rent if he stops going to work’ and you don’t want him to do silly things like getting into debt to pretend he is still going either which is not unheard of.

You could simply suggest that if his days off fall at weekends he has one day and you have the other. If they fall on school days he does school pickup, clubs and tea for the dc.

Yes that's true.

I've also noticed a few of his language. For example he says "I can't come back" not "I don't want to come back" I don't think he's ever said "I don't love you" or "I don't want to be here" it's been "I can't"

On one of the days

Have you discussed this language of incapability with him?

Because in some ways every time he says ‘I cant’ and every time he retreats into avoiding responsibilities it is actually reinforcing the idea that he isn’t capable.

And given that he has had a breakdown, by the sound of it, it is likely that he has had some or all of these issues in the long term but that they have come to a head now for some reason (perhaps the unexpected dd). So he has a track record which shows he IS capable, it is perhaps just that his ways of coping in the past weren’t sustainable or productive and that he needs new and better ones - which he is definitely capable of learning because using maladaptive coping mechanisms is much harder.

Does that make sense?

You acknowledge that he isn’t coping at the moment that that is ok, that you understand that he isn’t coping just now, but that you also see that his track record shows that he is a strong and capable person extra to this crisis period, and that because of the proof of that track record you know that he can get better and that actually if he applies those strong and capable aspects of his character to getting better from this illness that he will be ok in the future.

Even if you don’t say all of that to him, it’s the attitude you both need to have towards it...

Yes that makes sense but I genuinely think right now I think he just sees it as "a down moment that will pass" but then like I've said, if he was unhappy in the relationship, then ending that would make him happy. And he still isn't happy.

But you do need to be prepared to shield yourself and your children from him if he doesn’t get better and just decides to opt out of life (another maladaptive coping mechanism).

Yes your totally right. I think had he said "I don't love you anyway" or whatever I would be fine. I but because I care so deeply for him, it hurts seeing him like this

Do you think that is a rational description of what’s happening? You are in a better position to know.

If it is simply a ‘down moment that will pass’ then he won’t need any accommodations etc.

If however he is so unwell that he cannot see how unwell he is that is more concerning.

There seems to be very little acknowledgement within the advice you've been given that you pressuresd him for 2 days to go and until you realised it wasn't just a phase you were unpleasant to him.

When he says he can't come home he may mean he can't cope with the possibility that another row will happen and he'll be put under pressure to leave again.

The whole "go, just leave" then when he does "come back your family need you" is a complete head fuck.

I think that somehow he needs to feel that home is a safe place to be where he can recover rather than a potential conflict zone which which has the potential to cause more hurt.

No I totally understand what your saying and I suppose that's why I feel so guilty. I hope that something would make him snap out of this which it hasn't which makes me think it's much worse than a bad phase. Looking back, had I realised that things were as bad for him as they are, I wouldn't have told him to go. I assumed it was just a bad mood he as in, which would soon pass. This hasn't happened

I think TBF if he is the one insisting that it is ‘just a down patch’ and telling you that it will pass I’m not sure you can really be criticised for not realising it is more serious. You are not privy to his inner world, only what he tells you about it.

Well he hasn't said much, he's just said "I'm okay" type thing. But his actions are telling us there is something much more deep rooted

I honestly think a bit of distance would help you.

There is a lot of speculation involved if he is not being very forthcoming re what is actually going on.

Secure your finances as much as you can now he has moved out, try to develop a life outside this relationship as much as possible and put some boundaries in re you and the children.