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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I can’t loose momentum, I need to end this

52 replies

Nevergiveupdreaming · 08/12/2017 20:50

Crappy DH
Possibly abusive or definitely in the past.
I know I need to leave after this morning but I want to wait until after Xmas.
Help me not loose momentum

OP posts:
Mulch · 08/12/2017 20:52

Think of all the things you have to look forward to if you leave and what's in store for another year if you stay

Nevergiveupdreaming · 08/12/2017 21:59

That’s exactly what I did earlier today mulch.
I KNOW I need to stick with this....
2 years ago we argued on Xmas eve, I posted on here with a different name, he stoped me from getting the presents out of the loft so I had to lock myself in the toilet and call my parents for help.
He is trying to tell me it’s all my fault! Fuck, maybe it is, but he is still shouting at me in front of children, twisting arguments and being a selfish prick

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 08/12/2017 22:07

He can only twist arguments if you are in the argument.

He can only tell you it's your fault if you are talking to him.

Stop talking. Stop persuading. Stop seeking permission. Stop looking for him to agree that you are right.

In the nicest possible way, nevergiveupdreaming shut the fuck up.

Action. Not words.

When you find yourself wanting to speak, stop, think "What I actually want is for my situation to bw different. What can I do"

Why do you want to wait until after Xmas? Are you expecting a magical happy Christmas with him?

Nevergiveupdreaming · 08/12/2017 22:11

No runrabbit, I just don’t want to upset the dc before Xmas

OP posts:
Nevergiveupdreaming · 08/12/2017 22:11

You are bang on about the rest though. I do need to shut up

OP posts:
OnTheRise · 09/12/2017 08:16

I just don’t want to upset the dc before Xmas

When my parents had their shouting arguments at Christmas I used to dream of living without either of them.

I don't see either of them now. They're both toxic. My Christmases would have been so much better without their endless fighting.

You might make your children's Christmas if you leave him now.

Nevergiveupdreaming · 09/12/2017 09:25

I have tried to leave a few times before, he has eventually moved out after me and the dc have stayed away for a couple of weeks, but I always end up feeling guilty, realising my faults too and getting back together. Last time we separated for about 2 months and then he came back, things were good for a few months, or maybe that is just because I was ensuring I didn’t upset him.

I feel like I can’t maintain it without doing something drastic so that I can’t go back on my decision. I’m thinking about moving house with DC into a new rental property.

He was shouting at me yesterday morning as he said I spoke to him badly, I don’t think I did, I had been up half the night with I’ll ds and then woke up late for work so was rushing around. He told me I was pathetic, threw his deodorant and aftershave on his shelf and swore at me, all with dc awake in the next room.

We usually swap cars on Fridays as I work longer and he does School run, we have 4dc and his car only has 4 seats. I asked him to swap keys and he refused and continued to have a go at me for being rude to him, he was shouting at me so I said he would have to walk the kids to school if he wouldn’t be reasonable and swap cars, he told me to shut up and not talk to him so I left in my car as I was already late for work.
He then sends me text messages continuing to tell me off and at lunch time demanded drive back to swap cars.

Sorry.... I needed to vent

OP posts:
OnTheRise · 09/12/2017 10:06

That's a horrible way for him to behave. He is abusing you. And your children will be living in fear. You can't allow this to continue.

Look up the Freedom Programme, for a start.

Lunde · 09/12/2017 11:27

The relationship sounds toxic - it also sounds dead.

I think your dc would be happier if you could give them a row-free Christmas. Can you leave with the kids and stay at family/friends?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 09/12/2017 12:16

A lovely non-angry home would be the best Xmad present your children could have. I think you are right about getting a proper rental lined up.

Nevergiveupdreaming · 09/12/2017 12:38

I already have this private rental in my sole name . I have just read back through some old threads of mine to re-empower myself, it’s funny how much you forget it block out.
I called my letting agent, the house I saw is available and they would accept me, it has 4 bedrooms rather than 3 so my dd1 10yrs could have her own room.

OP posts:
Nevergiveupdreaming · 09/12/2017 12:45

We are supposed to be buying a house together in January

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 09/12/2017 13:06

You could be free in January instead.

chipmonkey · 09/12/2017 13:31

Well, that's not going to happen, is it? You can't possibly buy a house with him. Take the rental and get out with the DC's. Start fresh.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 09/12/2017 14:49

Oh no, don't buy a house with him! He's really horrible. You'd be tying yourself in to years of misery, particularly if house prices lower.

It sounds as though your children can't help but witness what's going on. That's not fair on them and it's not fair on you that you have to put up with it, either.

Is your current home rented in your name? If you rent the new one, what will happen with the current house?

Nevergiveupdreaming · 09/12/2017 20:09

Yes current house is in my name. If I get the other one it’s with the same agent so will give 1 months notice and swap one for the other.
I was supposed to be at my company Xmas party tonight. Dc’s 1&2 both refused to stay with DH , I can understand why. When he came home from work there was an atmosphere, he asked why it felt like no one wanted him there. I tried to explain that dc hate that he doesn’t listen to their opinions and shouts over them that he is the adult etc... he said it’s not fair for me to go out and have fun if he has to stay here where no one wants him, he then got in the shower and cane down after the party had started when I had already had to explain to people that I wasn’t going . He made it impossible for me to go.

OP posts:
Nevergiveupdreaming · 09/12/2017 20:09

I’m so upset Sad

OP posts:
OnTheRise · 09/12/2017 20:33

Don't be upset. Be strong. Use this energy to make a better life for you and your children, instead of wasting it over him.

Nevergiveupdreaming · 10/12/2017 07:54

Thanks ontherise
I’m viewing the house tomorrow so pinning all my hopes on that for a fresh start.

I haven’t told DH yet, he is sulking anyway so I might get lucky and he may choose to leave. He bought a little flat last year when we separated in his sole name so he can easily go and live there. I will be very surprised if he goes quietly though, he loves the sound of his own voice and his woe stories about how I blame him for everything and don’t give a f**k about him or his opinions.
At least there will be no one to hold the Xmas presents hostage this year!

OP posts:
Mary1935 · 10/12/2017 08:31

What a pig!!!! Although I also know it's not easy to leave, or if they do go, to keep them away, especially with kids. Sorry to be negative. However could you ask him to go to his flat for a while. You both need space for now - and it's one way of getting him out. If he had any thought about his children he would go. He is emotionally damaging them too. He's mean and cruel!!! My father (it's hard to call him that - as he didn't behave like a father at all) - ruined Christmas many a time - I used to think to myself "f off if your not happy" - Keep looking out for your children and yourself. 🌺

Nevergiveupdreaming · 10/12/2017 08:57

I don’t think that’s negative Mary, and you are right it is so hard when you have kids together, hence why we keep trying again.
The trouble is we keep going round in circles and I think if I don’t do something drastic like moving house it will never end. It’s confusing for the dc and painful for me.

OP posts:
Nevergiveupdreaming · 10/12/2017 15:50

How do I tell him what I want? My parents are asking what’s wrong and a friend from work sent a message saying she doesn’t believe I was ill last night. I can’t bring myself to tell anyone

OP posts:
OnTheRise · 10/12/2017 16:41

Just tell him "I want you to leave, right now." Or wait until he is out for the day, pack his bags, and leave them on the doorstep for him.

Do it however you can. You don't need to tell him face to face if you fear he'll get angry. Just make sure you keep yourself and the children safe. That's the most important thing.

frenchfancy · 10/12/2017 16:45

Please don't wait until after Christmas. Another miserable christmas is not doing your DCs or you any favours.

Nevergiveupdreaming · 10/12/2017 17:27

He’s now acting like the perfect father, bathing dc and cooking dinner. I feel like screaming at him to fuck off!

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