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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To the people that have cheated on current/past partners...

57 replies

LauraBoo1 · 08/12/2017 20:15

May i ask you reasoning? I am in no position to judge any of you i am just curious.

Thanks in advance x

OP posts:
ThisLittleKitty · 08/12/2017 20:21

I haven't cheated on anyone but I imagine boredom and temptation being massive reasons.

BackToTheCaveman · 08/12/2017 20:21

Just for better sex.

NeilPetark · 08/12/2017 20:25

Why?

PaintingByNumbers · 08/12/2017 20:30

Is it cheating if you tell them in advance?

Squeegle · 08/12/2017 20:31

It can also be low self esteem

JesusDontWantMeForASunbeam · 08/12/2017 20:34

Low self-esteem
Boredom
Flattered by attention
An escape

Just some that I can think of. Hypothetically obviously.

FluffySlippers21 · 08/12/2017 20:35

"The one that got away"

SlartyFarkBarstard · 08/12/2017 20:35

Childish revenge.Blush

MB625222 · 08/12/2017 20:37

Greed
Attraction

user7680 · 08/12/2017 20:37

No sex for a year life is short

theaveragewife · 08/12/2017 20:38

Revenge here too, unfortunately it only made me feel terrible.

ImTakingTheEssence · 08/12/2017 20:47

Ive not long come out of a relationship but have had feelings for another for the past 2 year which ive not acted on. Were planning on meeting up. I still sleep with my ex even though i know we didnt work as a couple. I feel i will be cheating if anything happens with this new person. I feel like if i didnt act on it it i would regret it. Its purely sex i dont think im stable to be in a relationship but i still feel guilty.

MadMags · 08/12/2017 20:51

Why?

celeryeater · 08/12/2017 20:57

I was grieving, partner was distant and unsupportive. We had isolated ourselves and he was very happy with this. Said 'I'm starting to think I don't need to know anyone else but you' set alarm bells ringing in my head. I was young and not strong enough to break up with him and be alone. On a night out with a friend, a bit drunk, incredibly attractive stranger started talking to me....

CheatsNeverProsper · 08/12/2017 20:57

And to which newspaper will you be submitting these answers?

Let's face it, nobody is going to come on here and say "I cheated on my partner because I fancied a better shag," or "because I can," or "because I am sex starved and I don't actually care about them therefore I shag who I like when I like." But you might well get those types of posts from people who have been cheated on and from people who have never cheated on anyone but who have a black and white view of the world.

Trust is that affairs are very rarely black and white, and as much as people want to believe that all cheats do so simply because they think with their nether regions, the reasons behind why people do are often far more complex than that.

And while some people would want to believe the adage that "once a cheat, always a cheat," the world just isn't that straightforward.

Reality is that the reason most people cheat is because the opportunity was there to do so. But that is vastly different from asking someone how it came about that they cheated, because there is a difference.

There are people who may be in unhappy relationships for instance for whom the opportunity will never present itself, but if it did there's a chance they would take it.

On the flip side there are people who thought they would never cheat but for whom the opportunity does present itself and they then find themselves in a situation where they didn't envisage cheating on a partner.

In my situation I never thought in a million years that I would end up having an affair. But being in an abusive relationship and then meeting someone who talked to me as a person and got to know me suddenly made me realise that there was more out there. It is without doubt the most regrettable thing I have ever done in my life and I would never do it again. I didn't leave for the OM, but having had the affair did make me realise that I needed to leave, and I did.

The issue that arises from an affair though is that the affair cancels out everything else in many people's eyes. The fact that my ex was emotionally abusive is irrelevant to everyone now, the fact I had an affair is seen as the only reason for the breakdown of the marriage even though my ex is now in a similarly emotionally abusive relationship with his current partner. It's as if the one action cancels out everything else, when in fact there are all too often issues which lead to that action which shouldn't necessarily be disregarded, even if the affair is just as much as wrong as the abuse which preceded it.

Wtfdoicare · 08/12/2017 21:03

Hypothetically -

Attraction
Escapism
Excitement
Amazing sex
Attention

stilllookingforthehills · 08/12/2017 21:22

I was bored and it was very exciting.

confusionoftheillusion · 08/12/2017 21:32

I’d married the wrong guy

And then met the right one....

disneydatknee · 08/12/2017 21:53

My bf at the time treated me like crap. It was like a secret revenge. But I was just a stupid teenager. As an adult I’ve never once cheated and would 100% rather leave a failing relationship than cheat again.

LauraBoo1 · 08/12/2017 22:38

These answers will not be going to any newspaper i was simply asking out of curiosity to find out the reasons why. I could name lots of reasons why i think people would cheat i just wanted to see the reasons people actually did.

Thank you to everyone who answered x

OP posts:
XmasMaus · 09/12/2017 00:09

Early on in our relationship a bunch of stuff happened that meant I was pretty convinced he was having a flagrant affair. I still don't know if he was or not, but he certainly was very intimately emotionally involved with another woman.

For whatever reason, I didn't really confront this and just internalised it as 'how we worked'. He had 'special friends'. I had 'special friends'. Which meant we flirted a lot with others, and got into the habit of seeking attention and excitement elsewhere and using each other for comfort and friendship. Our sex life drizzled to non-existent. This just carried on until one particular flirtation with a very unhappily married friend tipped over the edge.

It was a totally shitty thing to do. I wish I'd confronted the massive flaws in our relationship earlier, but I was afraid to, and after a while felt tied down by house/shared friends/shared finances etc. So I trundled on for far far longer than I should have done.

I'm pretty sure he cheated on me too, but who knows now. It's all past now. Sometimes I think normally decent people do bad things in shitty situations.

anxiousnow · 09/12/2017 00:13

Erm blatant cowardness or wankerness. Fine sex witj someone else but have the courage to end it with original partner. No other excuse

NCforthis12345 · 09/12/2017 00:23

My ex. I thought he had cheated but no evidence at the time. Rather than ending the relationship because my self worth was so low I actually cheated on him a few times until I finally ended it.

I am now with DP. Have been for 6yrs. 2 DC and I am such a strong person now. I would never cheat on DP.

I don't regret cheating. I just regret not ending things sooner.

Pombliboo123 · 09/12/2017 00:23

To be a groupie Blush

Not proud of it and I would never ever do it now because it's awful but in my defence I was very young and if always had a thing for men with guitars Blush

tiptopteepe · 09/12/2017 00:24

I did it because I was in love with the guy I cheated on my boyfriend with. He was my ex whom I had been with for several years. We broke up but then he started paying loads of attention to me again when I had a new boyfriend so I just stupidly kept the new boyfriend who I didnt really care for more than as a friend, and also slept with me ex :-(

I can see that it was bad behaviour now and Im sorry for causing any pain. I cant say that I regret it though because I was very young at the time and I just did what I felt I had to do at that time. I would not do anything like that again now that Im older. Not just to protect other people but also for my own self respect. I would know now that someones attention borne out of jealousy is not worth anything.