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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To the people that have cheated on current/past partners...

57 replies

LauraBoo1 · 08/12/2017 20:15

May i ask you reasoning? I am in no position to judge any of you i am just curious.

Thanks in advance x

OP posts:
PurpleWithRed · 09/12/2017 00:32

Miserable walking-on-eggshells marriage. Met someone who liked me, listened to me, treated me like an interesting person and with respect. I was too weak to leave DH (no mumsnet to give me the kick up the arse I needed) so I let myself have a very brief fling with OM. Wrong, stupid and destructive.

ReggaetonLente · 09/12/2017 00:46

I did when I was a teenager. I was immature, flattered by attention, unable to contemplate the consequences of my actions and impulsive.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 09/12/2017 00:59

I "cheated" on my then DH because basically, and I am not proud of it, I knew I didn't really love him, and should never have married him. It was all a massive mistake - if I'd had the guts (and wisdom) and bravery to stand up and say NO at any point prior to the wedding, I should never have gone through with it.
I can't even really explain why I did, there were a lot of factors involved and I just never felt like I could change my mind or call it off once we were engaged and the planning started our mothers took over
Looking back I WISH I had just once felt like I could have said "wait a minute, this ISN'T what I want"
I spent years looking for someone that, when I was with him, I wouldn't want anyone else, and am lucky enough to have found him in my now DH.
I think anyone who "cheats" is with the wrong person. When you are with the right person, you have no need/desire to go with anyone else. It's not even truly about sex as such, it's the emotional connection. If you truly love someone, they are enough - they can fulfill all your emotional needs, regardless of the physical side of things.
Sometimes DH drives me MAD with little niggly shit, and I do him, but we also acknowledge this, can talk about anything, have no secrets, and can work stuff out. He is what I waited 30 years for and I live and would die for him and he for me.
That sounds all dramatic and OTT but is also true.

Worriedrose · 09/12/2017 01:08

Exactly what PomBearWithAnOFRS
Says
I'm really not convinced that people who cheat are with the right person.

niteandfog · 09/12/2017 09:10

I don't think I had a reason to start with? Originally I wanted the thrill I guess. I was in a very unfulfilling marriage back then (I'm getting divorced now). Ultimately I don't regret it. I feel bad that I lied to my Stbxh, but he now knows the truth, so in that way I'm much more at peace.

My AP in theory is the man I've always wanted to end up with. We both love each other and feel the same way of how we ended up where we are. He also helps me to not feel alone while I'm.foing through divorce. And tangentially has made me closer to my mum and sister. So I'll always be grateful he "looked for me".

He's also in the process of leaving his wife, which in theory should be all done by early January, we'll see.

Babyg1995 · 09/12/2017 11:04

Attraction
Boredom
The excitement of sex with someone new

XmasMaus · 09/12/2017 12:43

What I find interesting here is that the people who haven't had affairs are all offering one set of reasons (excitement, boredom, thrill of good sex) and not one single person who is admitting to an affair is giving those reasons and we all seem to be talking, instead, about deeply unhappy marriages or relationships.

I agree affairs are wrong and people should and the relationship they are in before starting anything with anyone new but I do agree with the person above who said that no one has an affair if they are in a happy relationship.

MomToWedThorFriday · 09/12/2017 12:53

First - because he did, repeatedly, and my stupid 18 year old brain thought I would even the score. Hmm

Second - I was vaguely seeing somebody, but completely in love with somebody else and in denial. I was sleeping with them both, which was wrong. I ended up marrying the one I was in love with though, and the person I was seeing wasn’t remotely a serious relationship.

I have never cheated on my husband and never will because of what I went through with the partner I had when I was 18. The person I cheated with, both times, is my now husband. We’ve been together nearly 10 years.

mswater · 09/12/2017 13:10

Wth not quite the one that got away, but the one with whom you'd have been, happily, in another life.

Hernameisdeborah · 09/12/2017 14:19

I cheated on my BF around 15 years ago. It was a one night thing, not particularly pleasurable or thrilling and certainly not worth the guilt and fury at myself I felt for years afterwards, and I still look back on it with shame to this day. I think I did it because I realised I didn't want to be with my then BF for the rest of my life, he had been my only serious relationship up to that point, he had proposed a while earlier and I knew I absolutely did not want to marry him. But he said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, everyone who knew us said they expected us to be married as we were so obviously right for each other and one day I just thought no, this isn't me. So rather than end it, I did something utterly stupid as if to force an end to it, like I was making the fact it wasn't a perfect relationship real, somehow. My BF didn't find out but I ended the relationship not long afterwards because there was no way it could continue when I had done something so disgusting. Whilst finishing it was absolutely the right thing to do, and the best decision I had ever made for both our sakes, I went about it in a really pathetic way and I wish I could erase it from my life.

StillGotTheTreeUp · 09/12/2017 14:25

Self esteem issues
Boredom
The thill of it
Grass is greener - it was
Gave myself a proper excuse to end relationship

CR7987 · 09/12/2017 14:51

Xmasmaus- a lot of men do for no other reason than they could. Nothing to do with relationship. I have had an affair because I had temptation dangled in front of me by someone I found really attractive and took up the offer. I was weak and greedy but it wasn't because my relationship was poor.

A lot of men I know are similar particularly where the risk of getting caught is low. Maybe there aren't full on affairs but cheating nevertheless.

Offred · 09/12/2017 15:01

I cheated on xp. I was young and very vulnerable due to past SA from other men and also DA from xp at the time. I worked in a bar and one of the customers developed an obsession with me, he’d sing songs to me on the karaoke to me while I was working. In part I ended up cheating with him because I was so desperate and alone and vulnerable (and young - 19), in part to get xp back because he was cheating with loads of other women and in part because the other guy was practically stalking me and subjecting me to loads of pressure that I just didn’t see how I could avoid.

When xp found out and dumped me I ran away from them both to yet another man who was also toxic - he was an alcoholic who raped me while he was drunk and once threw me down the stairs. Xp ‘rescued’ me from him and then carried on abusing me.

RiverdaleJughead · 09/12/2017 15:02

Low self esteem
Loneliness as Dp was living in a different country at that point
Depression
Alcohol abuse

kittensinmydinner1 · 09/12/2017 19:11

Had been married to my 'friend' and then fell in love with my lover . Passion was the essential missing ingredient that had never been there with DH 1 and still there in spades fifteen years later with DH2

PhoenixRisingSlowly · 09/12/2017 21:18

Because I was too scared to end a dead-end relationship with my first BF that was on the rocks, I was young, shallow and immature. And had zero boundaries. And I was horny.

PhoenixRisingSlowly · 09/12/2017 21:21

Okay I have RTFT and actually Hernameisdeborah puts it far more eloquently than me. Identical situation!

SleepIsForTheWeek · 09/12/2017 22:01

I was talking to a guy the other day who had a take on affairs that I had never considered. He said that he lives in a nice house in a nice area, he has his children and his friends locally. His marriage is dead but if he actually broke up with his wife she would keep the house because of the kids and he would live in a bedsit miles away from his kids/friends who he would hardly ever see because of the distance. It would have to be miles away to be able to afford somewhere on his wage once he had paid maintenance. He wants to leave but feels trapped by finances.

It made me wonder how many people are trapped in empty relationships because they can't afford to move on and so have affairs to make their life feel more meaningful. I haven't explained it very well at all, I hope it doesn't sound like I am condoning affairs it just made me see it from a different pov.

theredjellybean · 09/12/2017 22:11

What pombear and kittens said.
I had red flags about dexh before we married... But was young and insecure and went ahead..
My dexh wS in denial about his sexuality for 15yrs and then decided to be celibate. No discussion at all.... So a need and desire for a sex life led me into an affair... Which turned out to be the big passion of my life.
Still is and I would not cheat now, one because I have no need to, and second because dp is the only man I will ever want.. If he ever chooses to be with someone else.. I know I won't want anyone else. I will join a nunnery

DontDrinkDontSmoke · 09/12/2017 22:16

I cheated on my ex several times with different men.

He slept with his ex early on in our relationship, so I felt justified.

I didn’t realise it at the time but I couldn’t stand the pathetic little creep.

I’ve never cheated on DH, and wouldn’t.

PaintingByNumbers · 10/12/2017 00:12

sleepisfortheweek we are like that. I dont see why my husband should have to live in a bedsit, my kids be poorer etc, just over sex. So we are waiting it out. Affairs make it more bearable. Its fun, lightness, happiness in my life.

Offred · 10/12/2017 00:20

People don’t have to have secret sex outside a LTR/marriage in order to make their lives more meaningful IMO.

I think the biggest issue re cheating for most people is the lying and lack of respect and not the sex.

If the concern is re finances on a split then cheating is a HUGELY risky way to ‘add meaning’ to your life because if it’s discovered the subsequent split is likely to be much more acrimonious.

Plenty of options other than living in a bedsit and also pretty selfish too. Basically saying ‘my desire not to have to accept worse personal living conditions is more important than my kids growing up having a healthy model of relationships’

Africanzumba · 19/12/2017 20:02

I cheated because my relationship was effectively over and we had not slept together in 2 years. I really craved the attention and sex.

@CR7987 is this really the case? I don’t understand this mentality, if the relationship is not poor then why even contemplate having an affair? Why not respect who you are with and stay faithful? The affair must be giving you something that you needed in addition to what you already have?

Surely all affairs are very risky - what do you perceive as making an affair low risk? Are most men really of this view or is it all talk and male bravado

Very insightful and intriguing to get the male perspective on this as it’s clear men and women approach the situation very differently

OldGreyBadger · 19/12/2017 23:40

Because I decided I should be in charge of my sex life and not someone else. I met someone who wanted to have sex with me more than once a month, if that, and who made me feel desired and valued as a lover. It didn't last, of course. DW found out and, strangely, our marriage is now much better. I don't regret it. I do regret the pain it caused my DW, and I have tried to make up for it ever since.

MsGameandWatching · 19/12/2017 23:53

I was too young to be in a committed relationship but had been aimed towards that from childhood, find a partner, get married, that's it. Was only 19. He was working away and I didn't let being married stop me. We split up and divorced and I have never been faithful in a relationship since then. I think it's because I don't actually like being in them but always felt I should be. I am in my forties now and have been single for 9 years. I'm far happier single and probably won't have another relationship now.