How can I move on without hurting my family? Advice needed please

[FoolthatIAm]

Hi. I will try not to make this too long but that may be difficult!

Have wanted to ask MN's for advice for a while. Please try and be constructive with any criticism as I'm aware that I have allowed this to go on for far too long. Feeling very weepy today after yet another telling off!

I have done some foolish things in my time for example, unhealthy relationships, no boundaries. I am attempting to address this now. Almost 20 years ago I married a man who had been a friend for years. Had 2 ds's. (One birth, one adopted - that is relevant!)

We were happy for a number of years and then not. It's a bit too long to go into everything so I'll try to condense it a bit. He stopped wanting to go anywhere with me and the children. Didn't want to socialise. I thought he was ashamed to be seen out with me at one point! He wouldn't try new restaurants or go anywhere really. My self esteem was very low at this time.

I met Mum's at a toddler group and we started going for meals, children's parties, shopping trips etc. I suppose I just created a social life due to his lack of interest.

Ten years ago, it all came to a head and we parted. He insisted we sell our home and split the money. I bought a house for me and the dc's. He rented for a while. Then, he bought a house a few yards from mine!

I did try to start divorce proceedings but he would just shout and bawl at me and I hate that in front of the dc's and for me. So I just stopped. Over the last 10 years, it's become the same relationship only I have a separate house. (I hope that makes sense).

I know that I have allowed this to happen. I just felt so brow beaten and weary and couldn't fight any more, so allowed him to call the tunes. I feel that I'm still in a relationship with him even though I don't get any of the positives of being married - if there are any!

I feel so trapped. I feel the dc's have had enough disruption in their lives without me 'changing' things now. Is that just me looking for an excuse?

I'm in a no win situation and I really need to get out of it for my MH if nothing else. I'm a single parent - who isn't. I'm a married woman - who isn't.

Am going to stop now and post and hope that I have given enough information for advice. Apologies if I haven't. It's not intentional.

Sell the house, and move and don't tell him where. Then file for divorce.

You need to be out of this, it sounds dreadful.

I'm confused. How many DC are we talking about - his two DS?

Why do you feel you are trapped and what is stopping you from putting boundaries in place?

I imagine this could be very confusing for your children.

What an awfulsituation for you OP
How much contact do you have with him? Is it a case of both being there to parent the kids or are you hanging out each day and sleeping together?
What do you want to happen; break all ties or be a family again as husband and wife?
I'd tell him it has to end, both lead your seperate lives and just parent together when needed.

Well, look at it in practical terms.

Most people in this situation are trapped financially, especially if they live in one house. You are not.

You can file for divorce after so long because you can state - and prove - that you have not lived together for X years. He may think otherwise, but tough. You can just file and there is nothing he can argue. See a solitictor.

And, you can sell and move - and again, no ties. You ARE free, it just doesn't seem like it. But his actions have stuffed him - he has no official way of influencing or preventing you moving on if you take control.

I'd agree with selling the house and moving. Maybe to somewhere you know he wouldn't want to live. Maybe rent out yours and rent elsewhere for a bit. Definitely file for divorce.

He has no power.

Why have the DCs had too much disruption? What difference would it make to their lives if you filed for divorce? Not criticising just genuinely asking so maybe you can get things clear.

Thank you for your replies. I'll try to answer honestly as Ihven't meant to confuse anyone.

I think the children might tell him their new address don't you? Yes, I do need to get divorced. His 2 sons , yes. He does favour his birth child unfortunately but that's another story.
Re the boundaries - you are right and that's what I'm trying to do on here. I have just felt so shouted down every time I try to do something.
No, we don't sleep together (can't imagine anything worse!). We see each other every day because of the children - not normal I know. He comes to family meals. My parents are elderly and see him as their Son in law and the boys Dad, so.........
@Bowie. Your last sentence sounds like a way forward

Don't you think that leaving their home and having parents not living together is disrupting? I do. Although that is no reason to not start divorce proceedings.

Yes of course they will tell him but you will not be living next door to him. You will have a separate life. Unless he plans to sit outside your home in the car, he won't be 'embedded' in what you do every day and know your every movement.

Next door, he's basically still THERE.

The issue with favouring one of your children over the other only makes this more urgent.

Really, this is absolutely the priority over your parents' feelings. Right now they see him as their SIL because he IS! You've done nothing to change that state of affairs, but you can. Move away, tell them it's not healthy, it's in the boys best interests to have some distance and you are divorcing. If they then carry on including him then that is another battle to fight later.

You really CAN change this and I have a feeling that as soon as you take control it will very quickly become the new norm.

I'm still not getting this.
"Almost 20 years ago I married a man who had been a friend for years. Had 2 ds's" and "I feel the dc's have had enough disruption in their lives without me 'changing' things now"

So we are talking about young adults here, not impressionable infants?

Ok. Thank you for that. I appreciate you taking the time.

What I'd like to do is email him (I know that sounds formal, but each time I try to talk to him - about anything - it ends up with him shouting at me) and say that it's time to divorce and that I don't want him in my house again. I do worry about my boys though.

How old the children are is relevant to how you resolve this.

Children, whatever age, are resilient, and deserve to grow up around a healthy relationship between their parents. This is not at all healthy.

See a solicitor and start the divorce proceedings. If he shouts at you in front of the kids, drop off at a mutual friend's or family member's house until he learns his lesson. Tell everybody you are divorcing. Yours and your children's happiness is more important than trying to please other people.

Yes emailing is a good idea. Be clear and set boundaries.

They haven't always been 17 and 13! They were young when we came to live here and I thought it was the right thing to do to co-parent as we did.

Now that they are not so young and I have no life of my own - at all, I'd like that to change. Hence asking for advice on how to get myself out of the situation I'm in (albeit my fault) without hurting anybody too much.
Sorry for any confusion. I find writing this difficult as I could go on and on about this situation

Baby steps op. Decide what your goal is and work out each baby step it would take you to get there.

You can do this.

I guess the first step is to tell him - don't ask him. He may well say you can't but ignore ignore ignore. Just keep repeating that you are getting a divorce and that's that.

This is the best thing for your children. The current set up is modelling a very unhealthy approach to relationships to them.

I do worry about my boys though.

Why? If you have raised them right then at this age they should be resilient enough to deal with this. In fact, they should be wanting to stretch their wings and explore the world, not stay at home tied to mum's apron strings.
I'd like to know their opinion of this situation.

X post

What is it about your boys that you're worried about?

What? I thought that this story started 20 years ago. How come the DS are only 17 and 13.

flimp - if this is modelling an unhealthy relationship (which I find upsetting, but have to accept that people are right) why would not having any contact with him rectify that? They know that he reason I don't live with him is because of all the shouting etc.

He is verbally abusive to the children too - he's a grumpy bastard and I do try and shield my youngest son from his anger

Got together 20 years ago, got married, then had a baby 17 years ago

Oh, so you got married then had DC. Your OP sounded like he had 2 DC before you got together.

Grow a backbone and get rid of him. He is modelling poor male behaviour to your DSs.

purits this is what I'm trying to do hear - get rid of him!

He will still model poor male behaviour though regardless of divorce won't he?

Given that your children are teenagers then I would talk to them first. Ask them what they think. Teenagers can be very supportive.

He will still model poor male behaviour though regardless of divorce won't he?

You can't control his role-modelling but you can control yours. Let the DSs see that abusers are undesirable and get dumped.

Ok. I'm listening.

First - email him saying I'm divorcing him. Minimal contact regarding youngest son. Secondly, talk to children. I don't think they'll be that bothered but again, it's that fear of him shouting and saying horrible things about me to them. He does this anyway so no changes there!

I am getting clarity here so thanks x