How can I move on without hurting my family? Advice needed please

[FoolthatIAm]

Hi. I will try not to make this too long but that may be difficult!

Have wanted to ask MN's for advice for a while. Please try and be constructive with any criticism as I'm aware that I have allowed this to go on for far too long. Feeling very weepy today after yet another telling off!

I have done some foolish things in my time for example, unhealthy relationships, no boundaries. I am attempting to address this now. Almost 20 years ago I married a man who had been a friend for years. Had 2 ds's. (One birth, one adopted - that is relevant!)

We were happy for a number of years and then not. It's a bit too long to go into everything so I'll try to condense it a bit. He stopped wanting to go anywhere with me and the children. Didn't want to socialise. I thought he was ashamed to be seen out with me at one point! He wouldn't try new restaurants or go anywhere really. My self esteem was very low at this time.

I met Mum's at a toddler group and we started going for meals, children's parties, shopping trips etc. I suppose I just created a social life due to his lack of interest.

Ten years ago, it all came to a head and we parted. He insisted we sell our home and split the money. I bought a house for me and the dc's. He rented for a while. Then, he bought a house a few yards from mine!

I did try to start divorce proceedings but he would just shout and bawl at me and I hate that in front of the dc's and for me. So I just stopped. Over the last 10 years, it's become the same relationship only I have a separate house. (I hope that makes sense).

I know that I have allowed this to happen. I just felt so brow beaten and weary and couldn't fight any more, so allowed him to call the tunes. I feel that I'm still in a relationship with him even though I don't get any of the positives of being married - if there are any!

I feel so trapped. I feel the dc's have had enough disruption in their lives without me 'changing' things now. Is that just me looking for an excuse?

I'm in a no win situation and I really need to get out of it for my MH if nothing else. I'm a single parent - who isn't. I'm a married woman - who isn't.

Am going to stop now and post and hope that I have given enough information for advice. Apologies if I haven't. It's not intentional.

There's an unkind tone to a lot of the responses on this thread. Pack it in eh

You are an abused wife op. You won't be the first or the last, sadly. Your story shows how bad and how longstanding it can be

Do get on the Freedom Programme. It will empower you. Look up on their site where there is a course in your area and go along. You'll be glad you did.

Read Lundy Bancroft's ' why does he do that? ' You'll see your revolting bully husband there. The book will empower you.

Call women's aid, at night if possible, as lines busy during the day. They'll give you some kindly advice.

Be kind kind kind to yourself. Do not let anyone speak badly or disrespectfully to you or insinuate you are an idiot. You are not. You have been systematically abused for many years

Your kind words have made me cry but thanks x I've been looking at FOG. Bloody hell. So much on there.

re Freedom Programme - is it worth doing online or is it better to find a 'group' ? I just can't stop crying but i think that might be a good thing as I'm trying to sort this out. It's my birthday tomorrow - maybe that has some significance

I did the freedom program on line and it was great. But I think a short cut in the long run would be to physically go and do it. It’ll give you better tools.

It all takes time to change the way you see things. But you can’t really start the biggest changes until you have changed your current set up.

The law wants to see everyone with a fair deal. So if you both have houses you can probably take that out of the division of assets.

He probably will have to keep paying towards the boys for as long as they are in education. And my understanding is that it’s nights that count so if they always stay with you and your doing all the cooking, shopping etc then I don’t think much will change financially for you. However IANL and I don’t live in the UK so I may well be wrong.

Go to your lawyer appointment with a list of what you’d like ideally and another list of what you could accept.
Take a list of all your questions.
There a couple of books that are recommended for reading up on divorce.
Do you know what he earns etc?

Unfortunately for me - he's an accountant. self employed

The boys don't always stay with me. Younger son will eat here and then father will ring and ask him to go over his. Potty I know.

Small thing though - he wanted both boys at his tonight. youngest was going at 7.00 pm? What is that all about?

I don't know what he earns as it's his company so he pays himself dividends etc

What I posted is wrong. I think I'm drained!

youngest doesn't want to go there but tonight he did. Strange?

I don't think it is strange, but it isn't necessarily healthy. He obviously has some control over you and is able to exert the same sort of control over your DS. If he has is own company then the returns are public so he can't hide them for divorce purposes.

I think it's better to go along to a freedom programme group - bcs isolation is a key component of domestic abuse. Meeting others in the same position - lovely, ordinary women just like you and me - gives the abuse context. It is astonishing how freeing that is. You get to see the abuse as the sham it is, run by a tin pot dictator. xx

I hope there wasn't an unkind tone to my posts, there certainly wasn't meant to be.

I do like MaybeDoctor's email. The Freedom Programme sounds like a good idea.

Maybe start keeping a diary of how often the boys see him and anything else significant, just in the background. Keep a record of how much money he gives you too, in case that's useful.

Most of all, take care of yourself. Eat well, sleep well, gather your strength. When you look ahead to a happy future, what are you doing? Seeing friends, learning to dance, getting a dog? Something else entirely? Start thinking of what you can be doing now to work towards that.

What I found with my abusive ex was the best way to protect the kids and myself was to always tell them the truth. I would answer any questions they asked with the truth no matter how bad it made me look. This way he couldn't constantly emotionally ambush us all.

My kids were much younger than yours, so it wasn't always easy. Telling your kids the truth is obviously going to be complicated because they are old enough to have actual opinions of their own. I would still recommend truth, nothing but the truth though. I would also tell them what you are planning, so that they hear it from you first. My rule in your situation would be, would I/they prefer to hear this from me or him? If its from you, tell them.

I'm getting so much good advice on here. Thank you all x

I'll do that - tell them first about my plans. PP said about baby steps and I get that.

Am just wondering if anyone would still be reading this?

A friend of mine is going through an awful time and I seem to be 'helping' her and not myself. I have done baby steps and I did enrol in the Freedom Programme and the paid the £12 but I don't know how to get any further with it.
Thanks to anyone who reads this

I wonder how op is.
Hope it’s worked out for you op.

TBH, you don't even have to tell him about the divorce. Just get the papers sent to him. You've been separated more than 5 years so there is no discussion.

@purits Grow a backbone

Unhelpful and cruel. OP is coming here for support.

"Grow a backbone" is something you could say to anyone struggling..