Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i think out financial problems is crippling our marriage

71 replies

biglips · 08/12/2017 09:01

I've been with my dh for 17 yrs this month and married for 4 yrs.

My dh is self employed and he used to have a twat business partner of 10 yrs who was useless but dh got rid of him 19 mths ago. Hoping within 18 mths we was gonna be better off financially but we had to borrow money to buy mew equipment for his business which I agreed and borrowed money to bring our mortgage up to date.

Also our house is falling apart, got no money still!! I work part time for the past 3 yrs. Next year I want to start college to become a teaching assistant.

But there's no us anymore..... We are both very stressed out with the house and I just can't be arse with him. I last slept with him 3 months ago. Also I want to do is sleep sleep sleep.

I've told him to quit his job as payments is not regular so we can't plan big things, like doing the house up. But he bites my head off, if I mentioned his job. He is so switched off and doesn't want to change his job, but why???

I'm so pissed off and wishes he get a regular payment job.

I'm changing from doing the cafe job which is really poor money but it helps us if dh doesn't get paid in that week.

Crap crap crap!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
biglips · 08/12/2017 13:05

Bump...anyone please?

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 08/12/2017 13:07

So you have a big mortgage and your house needs work on it and he isn't earning anything much?

How old are you? What would your situation be if the house was sold?

Cricrichan · 08/12/2017 13:07

Why isn't his business making any money? Could you help make it more profitable or maybe get a consultant to come and have a look.

swingofthings · 08/12/2017 13:15

Do you have kids? His resentment might be coming from the fact that you are set on personal plans that will suit you (going back to college) but not bring in additional money, yet expect him to do what he might not want to just to get more money in.

It sounds from what you are describing that bringing extra cash should be your joint priority, with both putting this ahead of doing what you'd like to do, at least until you can be in a most sustainable position.

Ellisandra · 08/12/2017 13:34

Well, the business has been enough to sustain a family - I'm guessing you have children if you work part time and want to be a teaching assistant? - so I can see why he's reluctant to jack it in.

How savvy are you on the business side? No-one here can say that he's throwing god money after bad, or that you don't understand the period before a good return on effectively a new business.

Why do you need to go to college to be a teaching assistant? Isn't it train on the job with college included?

Ellisandra · 08/12/2017 13:36

What does "borrowed money to bring your mortgage up to date" mean? Were you in arrears?

What's actually wrong with the house, that it's causing you both so much stress?

Original poster
biglips · 08/12/2017 15:41

I have 3 children. 5, 9 & 13.

We have two holes in the roof and you can see outside from the loft. It's very crafty in our hallway. We can't afford double glazing windows and our wooden windows can't be pole washed anymore as the frame is rotted. We had to hammer a piece of wood on the bottom to keep the window in the frame. we don't have a kitchen as no ceiling and can't afford to plaster and straight the walls to hang the cupboards up. The list goes on and on.

My dh is happy for me to do the course next year as I don't bring home much money per week as its £100 pw.

I've asked about selling the house as it is but dh is not interested.

Yes we had to borrow money to pay our mortgage that it was in arrears by couple of months.

I asked d just before if I'm doing the right thing by quitting my job and do what I need to do to make things better for our family. He couldn't tell me how it will be like in sept.

It's so depressing being here. I hate my house cos loads of things needs fixing...but we need money. it been like this for years and I've had enough.

Between Nov - Apr is a struggle as dh relies on the weather as he's a pole window cleaner. He doesn't have a consultant. Never had one.

OP posts:
ZigZagandDustin · 08/12/2017 15:53

OP, you are at the point of choosing training for a job. I never understand why people who already have very little money then put their efforts into getting a job that will pay very little money. I'm guessing it's because of your kids ages? So you can only work term time?

There is so much more out there. Please think carefully before deciding your next 10-30 working years.

Ellisandra · 08/12/2017 16:24

Good advice from Zig.
OP, you don't earn much now, but come on - £400 a month?!

If you can afford to be without that now, you're better off than many. £400 would be enough to have your kitchen plastered.

So if you really can afford to go to college unpaid, you can afford to do some of the work on your house.

In your shoes, I would forget a TA course for now.

Your kids are all in full time school at those ages. Their father has a flexible business in the quietest period of the year for him. Why isn't he doing all schoo runs now whilst you work full time?

You could have got a Xmas temp job and made a real difference to your house problems with the extra cash.

I don't think you're looking at the total picture. If his business isn't profitable then yes, he should think about closing it. But you've chosen to have 3 kids and you've got a mortgage in that time, so I'm guessing it was profitable at some point? (with the business partner?)

I don't think you're looking at the total family options here.

I think you'd be mad to stop paid work when you have holes in your roof! Go full time, fix the house, then take a long term view of retraining options.

Ellisandra · 08/12/2017 16:25

What would be the point of selling the house?
Is there enough equity in it in current condition for you to buy smaller / cheaper area?

LemonysSnicket · 08/12/2017 16:32

So you're getting on at him to leave his business and get a FT job whilst considering furthering your education unpaid? That seems selfish to me. Plus, TA's are paid about £14k a year which is very little. You seem to have a lot of resentment towards your partner for not providing enough but you aren't trying either?

notapizzaeater · 08/12/2017 16:42

Have you mAde sure you are getting everything g you are entitled to ? www.entitledto.co.uk

If he’s slack can he not compress his hours to collect the kids and you work more hours ?

It’s. A partnership which means you need to pull your weight too.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 08/12/2017 16:55

It sounds like both of you need to step up. Retraining now for a career in something that pays little and has very few roles (most of which go to ex teachers) is madness. Your children are School age so full time work is needed and likewise if his SE doesn't pay enough he needs to find a full time role.

No point blaming him when you aren't doing all you can either to resolve the issue.

SusannahL · 08/12/2017 17:26

This is a classic example of how vital it is for schoolchildren to be taught about finance, household budgeting etc, so that when they are grown up they don't end up in a situation like this.

Op, as others have said, forget about the TA training for the moment and look for work with a reasonable salary. Unemployment is at it's lowest level for decades, so it shouldn't pose too much of a problem.

Cricrichan · 08/12/2017 19:23

Why would you need to remortgage to buy equipment for a window cleaner?? Surely it's not that expensive...

Gazelda · 08/12/2017 19:31

Could you get a different, better paid job? Or go full time?
If you sold the house, would you get much for it? It sounds as though it needs a lot of costly work so you'll have to market it at a knock down price. Would that leave you sufficient to get somewhere else?

MiniTheMinx · 08/12/2017 19:31

He is self employed earning very little, so not working many hours then. Being self employed can be as flexible as you make it, so why isn't he doing school runs and after school so you can work full time? If you two don't work, you won't have any money.....tis how it is I'm afraid.

NameChanger22 · 08/12/2017 19:36

Realistically what jobs could the OP train for that pays well these days? We can't all be lawyers or doctors?

Auvergne · 08/12/2017 19:39

We definitely can’t all be lawyers and doctors, but teaching assistants are notoriously badly paid and to take time out from paid work to train in a job that is so badly paid is a bit of a fools errand of struggling financially.

iniquity · 08/12/2017 19:42

someone mentioned TAs earning 14 k a year, sadly not true. You won't be paid school holidays and will usually only be paid school hours. When I was one I only earned £ 650 a month initially.

NameChanger22 · 08/12/2017 22:14

What should the OP be training for then? Maybe she needs some good suggestions.

iniquity · 08/12/2017 23:32

I would suggest maybe children's nursing or maybe childminding. It's hard to earn a lot working with children but I think these roles have more earning potential.

LizzieSiddal · 08/12/2017 23:42

I think you both sound utterly stressed out and tired.

I’d totakky forget going to college fit the next few years. As a couple you need to be earning more money, not less.

Decide how much HAS to come in each month. It sounds like both of you aren’t working all the time, so maybe both of you could look for more work, whoever doesn’t get more work, does more childcare?

You can get through this, but you’ll have to work as a team.

Ellisandra · 08/12/2017 23:52

Whatever jobs you both should be doing or changing to, can I come back to your comment that all you want to do is sleep sleep sleep?

What's actually going on there? No-one makes good decisions when they're tired all the time.

You work part time on a low wage and bring home £100 a week. Minimum wage, to get that take home is only 14 hours a week. Your kids are all in school and your husband is under employed currently.

So - why are you tired?

That's not sarcastic. Maybe you are insomniac, maybe you're stressed from the house, maybe your husband does fuck all to help, maybe your kids have SEN...

But life shouldn't be so tiring. Have you spoken to your GP about it? You could be depressed, have thyroid problems, be anaemic...

It doesn't sound right that you want to sleep all the time, and I think you'll make clearer decisions if there's a chance of addressing that.

NotTheFordType · 09/12/2017 03:46

@SusannahL
Unemployment is at it's lowest level for decades
I think you mean
"People claiming JSA is at the lowest percentage for decades, as we've sanctioned the fuck out of everyone possible and made claiming benefits such a stressful, demeaning option that people would rather just stop claiming."

OP, when you say he's a pole window cleaner, do you mean his company do business contracts with cleaning commercial buildings of multiple storeys? Or is he mainly on residential contracts?

Most residential window cleaners I have met over the years have had it as a second job to something else - stuff which finishes early like milk delivery, post delivery, night warehouse picker, etc. They've just done it cash in hand in their spare time. So I'd be surprised if your DH was in this category and expecting that to bring in enough money to run an entire household with 3 kids.

I agree with PPs that you and DH need to be on the same page and thinking (and working) as a team. If his work is largely seasonal, then you go FT during Oct-Mar and he does the majority of the childcare. Then Apr-Sept you go PT while he takes advantage of the boom times. As he's the boss, there's nothing to stop him setting his own hours and even bringing the kids with him on jobs!

Rather than TA work could you maybe think about doing childminding or working in a nursery which tends to be more lucrative (and the former would also take care of your childcare needs for half the year.)

Swipe left for the next trending thread