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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i think out financial problems is crippling our marriage

71 replies

biglips · 08/12/2017 09:01

I've been with my dh for 17 yrs this month and married for 4 yrs.

My dh is self employed and he used to have a twat business partner of 10 yrs who was useless but dh got rid of him 19 mths ago. Hoping within 18 mths we was gonna be better off financially but we had to borrow money to buy mew equipment for his business which I agreed and borrowed money to bring our mortgage up to date.

Also our house is falling apart, got no money still!! I work part time for the past 3 yrs. Next year I want to start college to become a teaching assistant.

But there's no us anymore..... We are both very stressed out with the house and I just can't be arse with him. I last slept with him 3 months ago. Also I want to do is sleep sleep sleep.

I've told him to quit his job as payments is not regular so we can't plan big things, like doing the house up. But he bites my head off, if I mentioned his job. He is so switched off and doesn't want to change his job, but why???

I'm so pissed off and wishes he get a regular payment job.

I'm changing from doing the cafe job which is really poor money but it helps us if dh doesn't get paid in that week.

Crap crap crap!!!!

OP posts:
newbebe · 09/12/2017 06:40

I thought you could earn good money window cleaning. It’s mostly cash as well! Is he spending the=money on something else?

greendale17 · 09/12/2017 09:57

**So you're getting on at him to leave his business and get a FT job whilst considering furthering your education unpaid? That seems selfish to me.

You seem to have a lot of resentment towards your partner for not providing enough but you aren't trying either?”

^This.

Original poster
biglips · 09/12/2017 10:35

Wow....Thanks for all responses.

Atm I'm going thru the books officially twice a week on minimum wage at 10 hours per week and then rest is £5.00 ph to make up altogether inc the minimum wage to between £100 - £120pw. I work between 16 - 20 hrs a week. I know its not much but i was a sahm for 10 yrs and the cafe was a starting place to get me back in the working world. We gotta balance it out so we don't lose too much on the WTC. I cant afford to go full time as it wouldn't be our worth while.

When I'm very stressed..i sleep heavy. This had been going on for years and i hate feeling exhausted and looking knackered

We've had to borrow money from a lot of people over the years (mainly for the mortgage but atm we've managed to get it up to date..For now). We are paying them back and hopefully it will be all paid off by july 2018. a pole costs £1k cos its made out of carbon fibre. 😲.

Dh and partner took over the business 10 yrs ago. He wasn't earning for a few years at one point cos his ex partner was in bed half of the time and he has had a rich father in law to lend him money all the time.

Dh won't get a second job as he's not interested. He works from 930 - 2 sometimes a little bit later. It's all depends on the weather or whether he can be arse!. he cleans a handful of houses, but mainly works for commercial/ mortgage management companies. then he.gotta wait for the payment to come thru which takes an average 5 - 8 wks. Sometimes longer. If one or two big jobs are on hold, usually for months, cos of outside building work on it, that does knackered us up cos other jobs are small money.

So i do want to do better as i cant carry on the way it is now.

I want to change my job for my family to change for the better.

The wage i get goes on foods, fuel, kids dinners, and.anything.else that is needed at that time.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 09/12/2017 10:44

He sounds really lazy and, as you say, he's landed you in a huge mess.

I'd be very tempted to go it alone - I think you'd be much better off financially and that makes such a difference.

Ellisandra · 09/12/2017 10:44

Right, the café was a starting place, I get that.
You've started now - you said you've worked for 3 years.

Now - stop allowing them to scam you and stop scamming the system yourself.

Go and get a job that puts you through the books for every shift.

I'm Hmm at the balance of hours between wages and WTC, but that's not your fault, it's the system.

The system needs a bloody big overhaul if you can make enough with tax credits for him not to be arsed to work full time, you to go to college, and still be able to have your own house and mortgage.

Do you actually want to be a TA, or is it just the pull of school hours?

I would get him to step up on childcare, you find a full time job that pays you legally, and use that job to explore what you're interested in doing.

And use the extra money to sort out essential house repairs.

Original poster
biglips · 09/12/2017 11:32

I am tempted to go alone. I've handed my notice in already in the cafe to finish at end of July. Hopefully, everything will plans out.

Yes i do want to be a TA as i love kids and it rewarded me a good feeling. I'm starting volunteering in Jan in mornings on my day off at work in a reading class.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 09/12/2017 11:54

There are other jobs with kids that can make you feel good, but offer more hours.
Why work in the café for another 7 months?
Why not look for full time work in a nursery setting?
Or full time work doing anything to get more money to fix your house?

You have 3 children and a mortgage - a low paid job term time only doesn't cut it for you financially, surely?

YellowMakesMeSmile · 09/12/2017 12:25

So basically you don't want to work more as you don't want to give the benefits up despite the fact it means a house in dire need of repair with children living in it Hmm

Labradoodliedoodoo · 09/12/2017 12:33

I think it would be possible to earn £100 a week while training to be a TA

Labradoodliedoodoo · 09/12/2017 12:37

Is there any seasonal work your DH could take up November to April? Or can he do the house during that period part time while working part time?

Also the house is a compromise. So deal with the priorities for keeping dry. Accept that the kitchen will be shit for a few more years. No point stressing about that

Original poster
biglips · 09/12/2017 13:21

No dh won't be able to get a seasonal job cos 9/10 of his window cleaning jobs are on a monthly clean contract.

The reason 7mths is that hopefully all the payments that we borrowed will be paid off and for me to start college in sept.

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 09/12/2017 13:35

There are online courses you can do to get TA qualifications, you don't need to stop work to study. Could you look around for something better paid than the minimum wage/5 pounds oh job you do now?
If your DH works such short hours, and is self employed, he could do the childcare as well, and you could go fulltime, it might give you more options.
But sounds like he is lazy, I can see you that you might not want to work longer hours so that he can loaf around while you do everything.
I wouldn't want to live with a man like that.

Original poster
biglips · 09/12/2017 14:01

Is there anyone that i can speak to about my financials?

OP posts:
Original poster
biglips · 09/12/2017 14:02

I couldn't do it online as i wouldn't be able to do it as i would be far distracted and being on the computer makes me tired. I'm on my phone so i don't use the computer.

OP posts:
YellowMakesMeSmile · 09/12/2017 14:35

If using a computer makes you tired then how on earth are you going to cope as a TA in an actual classroom? With no experience the chances of you even getting a position are slim to non existent. With few jobs, schools can afford to be very choosy.

You don't need financial advice, you both just need to earn more and put any plans for quitting work on hold.

HundredMilesAnHour · 09/12/2017 14:44

You don't need financial advice, you both just need to earn more and put any plans for quitting work on hold

This.

If your DH works such short hours, he can do the childcare so why on earth aren't you working full time? And to give up the little work you do so you can study is just foolish right now. You have holes in your roof. Get a full time job and bring some money in. When your financial situation is better, then you can review stopping work to study but now is not the time.

To be honest, it sounds like you both need a kick up the backside as neither of you seem willing to work hard.

Huskylover1 · 09/12/2017 14:52

I'm going to send you a private msge ....

Letseatgrandma · 09/12/2017 15:00

if your DH works such short hours, he can do the childcare so why on earth aren't you working full time? And to give up the little work you do so you can study is just foolish right now.

This!! I’m not suprised you’re struggling financially with both of you working so part time!

The money as a TA is very low as well-is that actually worth you doing it?

Letseatgrandma · 09/12/2017 15:04

I want to change my job for my family to change for the better.

You will probably actually earn better money staying in the cafe and you can increase your wages by working more hours-you can’t do that in a school.

lucas161212 · 09/12/2017 15:29

Not meaning to be harsh but it sounds like it’s your own making being in the financial position that you are in.

You both work part time and you are about to not be earning at all. I get that you want to better things for your family by getting a better job but I think in doing that you will need to be prepared for more financial hardship during that time. People are right though, TAs don’t earn much at all. Can’t you keep your job and study to keep the money coming in?

I think you need to have serious words with your dh. He sounds lazy. Does he not care about the situation you are in?

Original poster
biglips · 09/12/2017 15:35

I cant even increase my hours in the cafe either . maybe get a night time job as well to get on my feet but ill have to work round my 2 nights a week at college studying English and maths.

My dh said that we cannot afford me working full time right now or otherwise we will be worse off.

My brain is fried now! Lol

OP posts:
wizzywig · 09/12/2017 17:11

I didnt think you needed a ta qualification to work as one

happypoobum · 09/12/2017 17:44

So you are both working part time? DH works 9.30 - 2 so you could reasonably work FT.

He sounds like a complete waste of space to me - you are shattered for whatever reason and he can't be arsed to do anything that doesn't suit his very rigid ideas of what he should be doing.

I would have ditched him years ago. Flowers

Gazelda · 09/12/2017 17:50

Can you find a full time job in a different cafe? Surely you can see that by both working part time, you're never going to get out of financial difficulty. And then to give up your job, things are only going to get worse in the short term. You forecast that you'll have settled all your debts by July, but how are you going to pay the mortgage come September?

LizzieSiddal · 09/12/2017 17:54

It’s tealky angers me reading this. You have health issues and you’re doing your best and thinking of how to improve things older your family.

Your H is working part time! Tell him to get off his star and work a full day like most people have to.

If he doesn’t I’d leave him. I really don’t think you should stop working at the moment. You need to get your ducks in a row, save some money for yourself and chuck him out.