i think out financial problems is crippling our marriage

[biglips]

I've been with my dh for 17 yrs this month and married for 4 yrs.

My dh is self employed and he used to have a twat business partner of 10 yrs who was useless but dh got rid of him 19 mths ago. Hoping within 18 mths we was gonna be better off financially but we had to borrow money to buy mew equipment for his business which I agreed and borrowed money to bring our mortgage up to date.

Also our house is falling apart, got no money still!! I work part time for the past 3 yrs. Next year I want to start college to become a teaching assistant.

But there's no us anymore..... We are both very stressed out with the house and I just can't be arse with him. I last slept with him 3 months ago. Also I want to do is sleep sleep sleep.

I've told him to quit his job as payments is not regular so we can't plan big things, like doing the house up. But he bites my head off, if I mentioned his job. He is so switched off and doesn't want to change his job, but why???

I'm so pissed off and wishes he get a regular payment job.

I'm changing from doing the cafe job which is really poor money but it helps us if dh doesn't get paid in that week.

Crap crap crap!!!!

Can you get weekend work in a store or evening shifts in a pub. Would your DH get evening work? You are skint because you don't work enough between you.

One of you needs to get a job. You barely work full time hours between you with school aged kids, which is fine if you can afford it but you can't.

Either you need to accept that you are broke and quit whining, or do something about it.

Your husband needs to work more hours. If he does 9.30-2pm he could work an evening shift somewhere, supermarket, bar, restaurant etc. Can he offer additional services so he’s busier, gutter cleaning, other DIY. Can you do anything from home to supplement your income?

Your DH could easily take on a bar job, or add lawn maintenance / leaf clearing to his window cleaning contracts, or something. He simply isn't earning enough money.

Otherwise he has to take on childcare before and after school so that you can work full time.

Studying doesn't seem a bad idea to me, especially if you can work alongside your course. Nice term time , school hours job, and in the holidays go back and do holiday cover at the cafe, while your H looks after the kids in the afternoons!

You do work in an area with lots of primary schools within reach, I presume? Because I do think you need to take seriously the comments about competition for TA jobs, and as school budgets shrink.

I think you could go to your GP about your tiredness: able to post on your phone but not a computer sounds as if there might be ore going on. I don't know, lack of iron, thyroid problem, depression or something.

You mention going back to college to get Maths and English - that is a good starting point. Is that something you are already doing?

Be aware that being a TA is not simply 'helping' in the class - it is quite a different experience to being a parent volunteer. The standards required by schools are pretty high, for good reasons. One HT I worked for would make TA interview candidates sit Y6 Maths and English papers in exam conditions, during the interview. So improving your own qualifications is a good first step.

On a day-to-day basis you would generally be given a learning objective to work on with a group of pupils, or possibly be delivering a Maths or Literacy intervention. Then reporting back to the teacher. This is in addition providing emotional support, defusing problems, sorting out resources and helping the teacher to manage behaviour etc in the class as a whole. So you need to be pretty active and on-the-ball.

I am not trying to put you off, but give you a reasonable insight into what the expectations would be for the role. I previously line-managed TAs and some staff did struggle with the changed expectations - they might have joined years ago when it was an easy school-hours role and were now being asked to become much more involved in the teaching and learning.

Could you consider midday supervisor roles alongside a morning job, while you improve your qualifications? That would give you a route into schools, if that is what you want to do. Your DH would have to take the children to school!

Or, how about getting an admin qualification and going for a reception or customer service role?

Best wishes.

PS. I don't think suggesting childminding to the OP is a good idea given she mentions that her house is in a poor state of repair and her DH might be loafing around during the day...

I've never been as tired as I was when I worked as a TA. It was the most physically demanding job I've ever done, and highly mentally demanding too. I don't think I was particularly good at it either.

You need a budget, and to work out what the actual gap is between your income and outgoings. It sounds as if you can't really afford your mortgage at the moment. You need to start being honest with yourself - when you say 'bring the mortgage up to date' do you mean you borrowed more to pay off arrears? You are in serious danger of losing your house. Also clearly it is not in a good state of repair. Is the house insured? Do the insurers know what state it's in?

I would go and get some advice. Start with Stepchange online here but they also do face to face or phone advice I think.

Then see your GP about this exhaustion. How is your sleep when you can get to bed? It sounds as if you might have sleep apnoea - but the GP should be able to assess what's going on with your tiredness. How much exercise do you do?

Once you know what your outgoings should be, you can both aim to work enough to cover those outgoings. If you can't get enough work, the tax credits system is there and I hope will help you.

You've now got experience in the cafe - will they give you a reference? I would aim to work in a cafe somewhere where there is a chance to move into other departments - like a cafe somewhere in a garden centre, or in a department store, or a supermarket, where they will pay you a proper wage and there might be benefits and perks as well. Make sure when you do your budget you allow for payments into a pension if you possibly can. Your dh will have to agree to have the children when you work weekend shifts etc.

What are your main reason at for wanting to be a TA?

Between the two of you, you aren't even working full time hours for one person.

Tell him to get a proper job now or he can leave the family home. Put your foot down, shape up or ship out.

Find a cafe to work in that doesn't indulge in illegal practices (paying £5ph and not declaring it probably means that you and them aren't paying tax which could land you in further financial trouble).

I seem to remember 16 hours being the magic figure for working family tax credits. (I may be wrong I don't have a good knowledge of the system) so you could quite easily find supermarket or cafe work that pays you minimum wage for 16 hours.

If you have your heart set on doing that course, suck it up and do it online. You CAN study that way, it's just harder, but if you want to get out of this hole you need to work hard.

For financial advice contact Step Change m.stepchange.org/

The TA I know has a second job evenings, weekends and during school holidays which she needs to do to supplement her income. It's not great money.

I think one of you could get an evening job.

Your H's mindset is one of no work ethic, no financial responsibility, no responsibility for home maintainance. Holes in the roof and rotting windows and he cannot even be asked to make an attempt to fix anything just shows a lot about his character.

That is never going to change as he has already told you many times.

When both of you are not on the same page about family, work,finances and how to run a home you are on a hiding to nothing and your situation will never change.

To be fair, OP is also choosing to work max 20 hours and wants to train for a job that's only school hours, having already unnecessarily given her notice for current job. I don't see either of them pulling a few long shifts to get their house fixed.

Your children are all school age. Your DH works 9.30-2pm. Surely that means you could work full time. How could you working full time make you worse off?

Perhaps contact Christians against poverty, I'm sure they will be able to give you some good advice -

capuk.org/about-us

"how about getting an admin qualification and going for a reception or customer service role?"

You don't need an admin qualification to be a receptionist. GCSEs in Maths and English and (usually, but not always) being able to use a computer, use Word and Excel, etc. They'd probably want someone with office experience though so if you wanted to get into that, maybe some work experience or taking on a secretarial role for a club or an association.
Pretty boring work usually, but better paid than teaching assistant I think.

"How could you working full time make you worse off?"

She's already explained that it's because of the WTC. I know a few people who choose to work part time because of it.

He obviously can't quit his job until he has found another one. Or else you'll have even less money. I'd forget about the teaching assistant training. There just simply aren't enough jobs to go round and schools are cutting down on their hours. And it's not well paid. And don't even think about selling the house if money is short.

You can't afford to do the house up at the moment from what I can see so that should be put on hold until you get your finances sorted out. Why don't you stay in your part-time job and give him what assistance you can to get his business going. Unless there isn't really any potential in this business in which case he should look for a job.

She won't be worse off financially as such, what she means is that working more will lose benefits hence the few hours between them rather than them working far more. Lots won't work more than the min hours for WTC as why bother when you get free money.

Thanks everyone for your advices.

Time to have a re-think and i have read everyone's msgs even if i didn't reply, but yes it did made me think.

Thanks again

I've just had a think whilst i was in the shower.

About sleep....I've had every test going and all came back clear but not sleep Apnoea as i do suffered from very blocked nose cos i got hit on the nose 20 yrs ago. And it never been right since. I've asked my docs to flush my nose out but they said no. But when I gave birth with all my kids, i had a reaction to diamorphine, violently threw up and i blew my nose. I could breathe properly in years till i caught a cold! Back to square one...

That sounds like rhinitis (inflamed nasal passages) or possibly reflux. Have a chat with a pharmacist - they should send you to a GP if they're not sure, but can help with a lot of things. Try Sterimar or any of the saline nasal sprays maybe? Or you might benefit from a steroid nasal spray but that might need to be a prescription.

Any job ideas?