WWYD: Boyfriend at Gentleman’s Club

[sunshiney78]

Hello
I’ve been dating someone for just over 2 months. Last night he & his colleague took some clients out to a fancy dinner. He kept in touch with me until I went to bed & this morning I received a text when was sent around 3am saying he’s on his way home.

I asked him what he did after dinner & he said the clients wanted to go to a gebtleman’s Club, so that’s where they took them.

How would you react to this?

[Cricrichan]

My dh told me about having to go to lapdancing clubs with his clients as that was the only place open. I was disgusted at that and had big arguments with him about it. He said it was just a bit of titillation. I'd been in business all my life and never had to do business in a lapdancing club. My products and my expertise is all I need to do business with.

This was at the beginning of our relationship and even though he promised never to go to one again, it told me a lot about him and how he views women that I should have paid attention to.

[FizzyGreenWater]

Dump, these ones are low-grade.

Good you discovered after only two months! Not much time wasted.

Dump and block.

[K0729P]

I don't think it's a major issue to be honest.

He's been honest with you like you asked him to? It was part of work - if he doesn't go any other time then it will be part and parcel of his work meetings (not that I agree a professional work meeting should involve that).

Surely there is a casino open until the early hours they could go to aswell?

If you don't agree with it, then either ask him not to participate and come home (after 2 months I think that's unreasonable) or leave him.

[crazycatgal]

Get rid of him. After 2 months of dating you're not too invested.

[C8H10N4O2]

he said the clients wanted to go to a gebtleman’s Club

So a strip club where men buy and sell women's consent? If you are happy with a man who thinks women's consent can be bought and sold then that is your call but don't kid yourself that it is anything else.

What happened when he tried to suggest alternate 'entertainment' to the client? I would not take clients to this kind of venue, even if they suggested it, nor would I allow any of my juniors do take clients to sex clubs. There are always other options if you set the bar a bit higher and care enough about the issue to identify those other options.

[sunshiney78]

Thank you C8H10N4O2 for a male(I think) opinion

[Louiseandhercubs]

I think the main thing here isn't If we think it's right or if we think it's wrong. What do you THINK about it.

If it's a situation your happy with then fine. Carry on.

If not you need to act on it.

I firmly believe that whatever we are willing to accept or not accept in life is what we need to stick by. I have friends who allow their partners to watch porn, go to strip clubs etc. So that's what they do. I also have friends who don't accept that shit and their partners don't do it.

[BenLui]

If you decide that you are ok with this, you’d have to be ok with it forever. Even if you got married, even if you had D.C.

Because it doesn’t sound like he’s planning to stop.

Two months is very early. I’d be moving on.

[PersianCatLady]

I might be weird bug what struck me more than the strip club was the fact that the BF kept in contact with the OP until she went to bed at 2am.

I am not being difficult BTW, I just want to know do most people do this, text each other all evening while one of them is out?

Does any body just say bye to their BF and not communicate with them again until they return home?

I am only asking because either at home or out, I would find it so hard to keep in contact with someone else while they weren't there. I just don't get it.

[sunshiney78]

He texted goodnight when I went to bed at 11. Then I woke up to a message this morning which I saw had been sent at 3am.

[Huskylover1]

He said they had a private dance as a group on the floor

Is this even possible? I have no experience, but I always thought a private dance was 1 on 1. She wouldn't want to dance for 4 men, for one fee surely?

Even if it is true, how cringe worthy. Who on earth would want to view their client/boss/colleague, being girated over, whilst possibly seeing his hard on through his cheap suit? Not very professional, is it?

[Chippyway]

So a strip club where men buy and sell women's consent?

To everybody disagreeing with this, What about male strippers?
Is it just as bad when a woman goes to watch them? If not, why not? Is it suddenly very different?

I wouldn’t have a problem with DP going to a strip club as a one off now and then for things such as stag do’s or whatever. I would end it if he paid for a private lap dance though.

It doesn’t matter whether we agree or not though OP. If you aren’t happy with it, that’s fair enough.

[Josuk]

OP - he didn’t choose to go there on her own. It’s a client/work thing.
He was honest and told you about it.
You don’t even know whether he was ‘lusting over’ or felt like he needed to keep up the laddish appearance.

I was once at a show in Amsterdam. And groups of men were there.
One got put forward to go on stage when audience was invited to participate. If anything - poor guy looked uncomfortable next to this barely clothed and fairly attractive woman.

And OP - if you think that only barely dressed women can catch man’s eyes, think again.
If one wanted to lust over women - one just needs to look around - there are women in tight fitting tops, short skirts, transparent dresses everywhere.
Any man you’d date - will see them.

So - by all means, if his job takes him to strip clubs often and you feel threatened by it - get out now.

But think about your life. What happens when you see an attractive man? ——- no reason to assume your boyfriend is any different to you.
(I go to the gym. There are plenty really attractive muscular men. Often in not much - or tight fitting gear. And in all kinds of positions. And grunting too. I manage not to try to pick up any of them. )

[BenLui]

Chippy I wouldn’t go to see male strippers.

[RebeccaBunch]

I'd dump him.

You do hear a lot of "all men do this" but it is untrue.

my colleague was out on a boozy business trip recently and had great fun all day. Later in the evening the person in charge of the schmoozing said to him "you look like the type of guy who would enjoy a strip bar - shall we go?" My football loving geezer type colleague replied with "what the fuck did you just call me and are you out of your mind?" He was really appalled it was even suggested. It's not "normal"

[formerbabe]

Very over the top reactions on here.

[RebeccaBunch]

She wouldn't want to dance for 4 men, for one fee surely?

You seem to think that the women working in these places have lots of say in the matter?

[saltandvinegarcrisps1]

OP - why did you think C8H1 is a male poster? I've read it three times for clues but can see none.

[PaintingByNumbers]

Sounds like he has a shit job (might still pay well but eurgh) in an industry that routinely demeans women. Its unlikely that hasnt affected his own attitude to women. Two months in, personally i'd just move on, but it depends on how you view strip clubs/users of
I have no idea why anyone would think women disapprove of clubs with female strippers but approve of male strippers, but for the short of thinking, I will clarify that I dont like either
And really no idea why that is comparable to my views on sportswear on men, or women, but what I tend to do is try not to openly ogle anyone as it is rude and disrespectful
Good luck op

[TammySwansonTwo]

Serious question - how would you feel about going out for a "business meeting" and sitting as a group while a mostly naked person gyrates in your face? Sound like a comfortable night out? I'd rather die.

My DH used to work in an industry where certain companies threw massive events to impress them and win their favour. Aside from one time early in his career, which he said was excruciating, he always refused to go to the strip club things and no one ever expected a guy to go - either he was up for it and went, or wasn't and went somewhere else. I remember him telling me about one event that was just in a club but they'd hired a load of barely dressed women to give "massages". He saw loads of his colleagues sitting around being massaged by these women, he said it was absolutely grim. even if it is a requirement of his job, I wouldn't want to be with someone who goes along with stuff like this without them telling me off their own back how seedy and gross it is.

[CoyoteCafe]

I worked my way though uni in a gentleman’s club. It wouldn’t bother me, but I’ve actually seen bored, uncomfortable business men in a club.

When I married, I told my dh that if once or twice a year he is in a club because of business, stag do, or a friends divorce, I was fine with it. More often is a problem. He hasn’t been in years.

Chances are that since he was texting you all night, he would have much rather been with you. He wasn’t lusting after some one else, he was doing what he thought he needed to for his job, while wishing he was with you.

Good luck. You get to make the rules for your life, and they can be whatever you want them to be.

[paxillin]

I agree with TammySwansonTwo. What sort of twat does it take to have a "business" meeting with naked people for entertainment.

Imagine a woman who takes her team and clients to a strip club after or as part of a meeting. The male strippers are swinging their dongs in front of the clients' noses and move their bum crack up and down inches from their faces. Grotesque? Indeed. Befriend or date her? No way.

Same goes for a man. The fact that some people happily admit to that doesn't change that. Dump.

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

You seem to think that the women working in these places have lots of say in the matter?

There'd be few upmarket clubs, if any, that allowed women to dance for more than one man. The money is in making them all pay.

Table dances tend to be for groups; private dances are for one person or perhaps a couple at most.

[SaturdayNightAtTheMovies]

To everybody disagreeing with this, What about male strippers?
Is it just as bad when a woman goes to watch them? If not, why not? Is it suddenly very different?

Well, ignoring the very real power differential between men and women demonstrated by the many threads on here, articles in the media and most women's personal experience, why would you assume that I would feel any differently about male strippers .

I've never seen a male stripper and am not friends with any one who has ever seen a male stripper. You comment makes it sound as though you assume everyone does it!

[Huskylover1]

Do you think private dances can be claimed back on expenses?

And what makes any strip club "upmarket"? A bit of Vajazzle?