This text has thrown me (divorce related)

[FabulousUsername]

I'm in the process of divorcing H. But backtracking a bit, we are living apart, I am thriving and as it was his idea to move out I haven't felt too guilty. I'm happy just living apart but suddenly getting cold feet at the idea of losing the relative financial security I have enjoyed...I won't be destitute but we're splitting assets 50/50. And we're both in our 50s, my ability to earn is ok but my self confidence is eroding as I think of the future and wonder if I will be going downhill financially....he has greater earning ability than me. So, I've been playing with the idea of calling it off.

But the main problem he has with me is that he wants sex and 'affection' and I just don't want to give it. Of course there's more backstory, he has been very controlling and abusive. So, today he sent me this text: ...why dont you go and see someone and find out why you show no love or affection and wont be touched. ....his implication being that there is something wrong with me because I don't fancy him?

Please tell me to run and not look back. I'm finding myself wondering if perhaps I need to actually think about what part my frigidity, so to speak, has played in bringing about his depression? BTW he is verbally abusive (documented by police) and controlling and has never admitted any fault on his part. Nor will he seek counselling or help but thinks I should be diagnosed with something. He has suggested I be tested for autism and start HRT (no thanks) but several years ago he suggested I had thyroid problems and it turned out I did ok now and treatment never brought back my desire to have sex with him but he was sort of right!

Yeah, HE should run and not look back.

Possibly harsh but the idea of stringing someone along you don't fancy for financial reasons is going to make me see red.

He has done it because you were thriving and now he is trying to control.

Its not you

It seems a little harsh to be hanging onto a guy you have zero intention of giving any affection to just for the financial benefits.

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he's a prize wanker and you should run, and his messages are emotional abuse in themselves, but it all feels a little cold to take him back for security. It would be an arrangement, not a relationship, and not an arrangement that's been made clear to him?

So you want him for no reason other than cold hard cash?

I agree with ReliefOfChaos.

I imagine if he were less controlling and abusive you might have been more keen to have sex with him.

And I will guarantee that when you meet someone that isn't a complete arse, your libido will return.

Perhaps if he wasn't controlling and abusive, you would want to have sex with him but he'll never see that the fault is with him.

When the divorce is over counciling might be a good idea just so you can talk about the divorce and marriage so you won't fall into the same pattern again.

I am 2 year on from the divorce and the court cases shit ( which took 5 years ) and I am finally in a better place . Counciling has definitely helped me . Took 2 year i have othe health issue which is how i access councìling though a charity and now I pay a discount rate .

I wouldn’t want to show affection or have sex with someone who was verbally abusive and I don’t think many people would find that a turn on.

I’d be telling him he is the one that needs to talk to a shrink for his issues.

I’m sure you’ll be fine on your own, it’s amazing how satisfying life can be once you cut out the dead wood. Money does help, but it’s not the most important thing.

I’m not sure what you are suggesting, are you suggesting you will get back with him and have sex with him for the money? Or get back with him, no sex, take his money, and hope he puts up with it?

I think you will both be better off without each other.

I'm not saying that this the case with OP.

But a lot people tend to use the words abuse quite loosely. They forget to detail their own abuse and what they have done wrong, they want to blame the other party without looking at themself.

It has been done to me in the past - I wasn't perfect but it was never as black and white as he made out.

You are divorcing, so he no longer gets to give you "advice". What a cheek.

Lots of people are autistic to some extent. My dad turns out to have a diagnosis. It doesn't make you a bad person. If you think you have a problem, and want to change something, see a doctor. But your ex is your ex, and it is none of his bloody business.

Why do you think you are tempted to stay with him for financial reasons? Are you afraid? What's making you afraid?

When you say he "wants" sex and affection, why is that in the present tense if you are divorcing?

If the reason he has higher earning power than you is that your career took a back seat to care for the kids while he got to fly free, then fight like a bastard to get your share of that in the divorce - his pension, a better share of the assets.

If not - then move on. None of this will do anything but corrode. And you can certainly stop listening to his medical advice. Or maybe suggest in return he get some sort of testosterone blocker so that he doesn't fuck up his next relationship by being an aggressive arse?

Honestly - when I was geting divorced my X sent me all sorts of random weird messages, from 'you are the only erson I;ve ever loved can we start again' (despite the fact that he ran off with another woman' to 'you need psychiatric help/didn't have sex with me as often as I wanted to' - depending on his state of self pity/drunkeness/lack of a girlfriend when he sent the message.

I ignored all and told him to only contact me through my solicitor. It is head fucking, don't give it the time of day. Be glad you are rid of this man.

He’d need his head examining if he got back with you on the basis of your OP.

Ahahahahahaha! Laughing at your husband here, not at you OP. My exP tried the same thing at exactly the same moment: "I think you might be mentally ill, you've always been vulnerable and I think you're not quite right in the head, and should seek help". Actually, it was his MH issues that really drove the wedge between us.

It's a kind of gaslighting. Do NOT fall for it. This is a really tough time for you - there's a lot to learning to be independent, and it can feel intimidating and daunting at times. But you will be better off without an abuser in your life.

FWIW, with me, I met my (now) DH soon after that moment, and realised how easy a good, happy relationship could be! Hopefully the same will happen to you.

Thank you all for putting it into perspective. I realise I sound like a gold digger, yikes. Might be true but it affects him too, we both go from having X to having 1/2 of X.

For whatever reason I should end this, for his sake. I'm working full time now which infuriates him ( he would only allow me to work part time when the DCs were living at home and it's difficult to find part time work in my field) and made it clear that part of my duties as wife were to have sex with him, mostly by sulking if I didn't so not actually abusive but just made me hate the chore aspect of it, so to speak, but perhaps I can't blame him as I might have been frigid anyway if that makes sense! But in any case, we have mismatched sex drives and I need to let him go so he can find someone else. His preference would be that I capitulate, say I'd always loved him really and have mad passionate sex. I just don't feel it...sadly. it's gone and not fair to him for me to waver. He doesn't know I was wavering but I answered his texts nicely which possibly made him think that. Then he came out with the one about me needing to see someone and I froze.

Sex is attached to emotion (for most people especially within a relationship)

His behaviour towards you has affected the emotions you have regarding him and that in turn has killed your sexual desires and want to be affectionate. He killed your affection and want of sex!

dont waste the great years you could have either on your own or with a new partner who you will feel hot for dont get trapped in a bad relationship for a little extra money

why dont you go and see someone and find out why you show no love or affection and won't be touched

Classic abusive twat. IME, they ALL say that.

The reason you don't want to shag him is that he makes you feel crap about yourself and life in general. He belittles and insults you and makes you unhappy and anxious.
There is nothing more likely to kill a libido stone dead than relentless twattery and abuse.

Does he 'see someone' to deal with the fact that he is 'depressed'? does he take ADs?

You do know that even if he were really depressed, it's not an excuse to treat your DP like crap. It's your responsibility NOT to allow that to happen.

No matter what drug you take, what pill you pop, he will always be an abusive twat because he wants to be.

Get rid of him from your life, you will feel so much better.

I know - from experience - that the prospect of them going and you being single is scary, the 'how will i manage' etc.

Things have a way of working out, you know you can manage - just think what MIGHT happen now that you have this pitiful little man trying to pull you down.

My ex left, I've had to work REALLY hard to combat the effects of his systematic emotional terrorism against me, but I did it, I'm free of him and his misery.

My life is better than I could have ever imagined, and menopausal or not (HRT is fabulous for sorting out the hot flushes and other crap) I'm sooooo much happier than I ever dreamed possible. I'm in an amazing relationship, with someone who is everything and more that I need him to be, and gladly I'm the best thing thats ever happened to him too :D

Trust me, I had no right to expect a better life than the one I had. I do think I deserved to be happy though and being single over the last 5 years, getting on with stuff with DC and doing my best to survive has taught me a great deal of perspective.

My ex tried giving me some advice the other day on whatsapp (to get builders to fix something for me by acting all dopey, "like an innocent woman") and I taught him the nice mumsnet acronym ODFOD. Added a smiley to show that I meant it kindly.

It's not you, It's classic behaviour for controlling men.

Mine was the same when we were divorcing. At some point he texted me I hate my life right now almost as much as you hate sex

That's manipulative, vindictive arsehole for 'Hi. I'm a manipulative, vindictive arsehole.'

Run for the hills!

Stop answering his texts! He's negging you (I believe that's the term)

He's dropping in little comments to make you doubt yourself, to weaken and come back into the fold.

Why on earth would you possibly want to be with a man who - for one reason or another - leaves you cold?

Men sulking kills any desire women have. To make us feel like it's our DUTY to provide sex is the fastest way to getting NONE.

Why would you want to hear more ways in which you have displeased him?

Why does it matter if you want to work full time? It's not his call.

If you stay for 'the money' then you will as 'abusive' as he is. You either believe that you deserve better and have some integrity about you, or you don't. Which are you?

I wouldn't like to be in a situation as bad as you describe and no amount of money would make that ok for me. You're working full time, what are you so afraid of?

Yep OP you need to go No Contact with him.
Read the book...Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft

My ex said exactly the same things to me about being mentally ill, all was my fault, should seek help which I did.
I went to Relate on my own because he said it was my fault...the Relate counsellor said that Abusers very rarely go to marriage counselling as they blame everything on everyone else.

I went to GP and told them that my H wants me to have a mental health assessment!...GP said that's typical of an abusive person.
GP said tell H to make an appointment to see me but H never went!

The EA was relentless and I could not look at him never mind have sex with him and I actually did love him, but he eroded every single ounce of that love with his behaviour.

There is far more to life than material assets.
Peace of mind and being able to make your own decisions without being made to feel useless and worthless are far valuable to a person's wellbeing.

It's time to put yourself first and work on your own confidence to enable you to make decisions on your own future.