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Original poster

This text has thrown me (divorce related)

58 replies

FabulousUsername · 06/12/2017 13:22

I'm in the process of divorcing H. But backtracking a bit, we are living apart, I am thriving and as it was his idea to move out I haven't felt too guilty. I'm happy just living apart but suddenly getting cold feet at the idea of losing the relative financial security I have enjoyed...I won't be destitute but we're splitting assets 50/50. And we're both in our 50s, my ability to earn is ok but my self confidence is eroding as I think of the future and wonder if I will be going downhill financially....he has greater earning ability than me. So, I've been playing with the idea of calling it off.

But the main problem he has with me is that he wants sex and 'affection' and I just don't want to give it. Of course there's more backstory, he has been very controlling and abusive. So, today he sent me this text: ...why dont you go and see someone and find out why you show no love or affection and wont be touched. ....his implication being that there is something wrong with me because I don't fancy him?

Please tell me to run and not look back. I'm finding myself wondering if perhaps I need to actually think about what part my frigidity, so to speak, has played in bringing about his depression? BTW he is verbally abusive (documented by police) and controlling and has never admitted any fault on his part. Nor will he seek counselling or help but thinks I should be diagnosed with something. He has suggested I be tested for autism and start HRT (no thanks) but several years ago he suggested I had thyroid problems and it turned out I did Blush ok now and treatment never brought back my desire to have sex with him but he was sort of right!

OP posts:
Iprefercoffeetotea · 06/12/2017 14:20

he would only allow me to work part time

I can see why you are divorcing. It's not for a husband to "allow" his wife to do something or not.

I can kind of get the no sex thing but if you don't even feel affection for someone you can't live with them, even if you want financial security.

StormTreader · 06/12/2017 14:24

As far as he knows, the divorce is progressing along as expected? Then he has less than zero right to give you any opinion on the amount of love or affection you are showing him.
I'm pretty certain that someone sending me that message would cause any amount of "affection" I might be thinking about showing them to forcefully clang shut immediately.

BalloonSlayer · 06/12/2017 14:24

why dont you go and see someone and find out why you show no love or affection and won't be touched

I don't need to see someone and find out. I know why. It's because of you. You are just . . . ugh.

ReanimatedSGB · 06/12/2017 14:41

I see no ethical problem whatsoever in rinsing an abusive man for money. But I also think it would be better to do it through the courts than through letting him back into your life. Because he'll insist on his 'rights', and you will probably have to smile and fake orgasms as well as just opening your legs (and men like this are always absolutely shit in bed as well.)

NeedsAsockamnesty · 06/12/2017 14:52

If you stay for 'the money' then you will as 'abusive' as he is. You either believe that you deserve better and have some integrity about you, or you don't. Which are you?

Staying within a marriage because of the lifestyle it accords is not abusive

Be3Al2Si6O18 · 06/12/2017 14:54

Sounds like some form of prostitution.

Bluntness100 · 06/12/2017 15:04

Staying within a marriage because of the lifestyle it accords is not abusive

I think if you’re with someone solely for their money and don’t explain that to them, then it’s a terrible thing to do. Abusive, yes, it’s using them, misleading them, lying to them. So yes, I think it’s abusive. It’s not abusive if both parties are aware you’re only there for the money and otherwise you wouldn’t be and they accept that.

It’s also in my view prosititution, if sex is involved, be it the man or the. Woman who is there for the money,

Chippyway · 06/12/2017 15:17

I’m sorry but if a man came on here and suggested staying with his wife only for regular sex he’d be labelled a scumbag. So rightly so, you should be labelled the same

It’s funny you say he’s abusive because surely stringing someone along and using them for their money is financially abusive? Why is that okay for you to do but him being verbally abusive isn’t?

Maybe you never got to the bottom of your marriage problems, who knows. But if I was getting back with someone who never enjoyed sex/wouldn’t show affection I’d be advising them to see somebody as well!

You both sound as bad as each other

He needs to stop being verbally abusive and you need to stop stringing somebody along for their money

He isn’t your keeper

StormTreader · 06/12/2017 15:19

I dont agree. Entering a marriage purely for the money and nothing else is grim, but falling out of love with a partner and not divorcing because of the difference it would make to the rest of your life? Thousands of people are in that situation.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/12/2017 15:32

OP is working full time and will receive 50:50. Staying for the sake of money that isn't hers (as she will receive that pay-out) but is part of his 50% is grim.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 06/12/2017 16:23

You can think it’s as financially abusive as you wish, but that doesn’t make it so.

It’s often one of the main reasons given for not divorcing by people in rubbish marriages.

FizzyGreenWater · 06/12/2017 16:40

he would only allow me to work part time when the DCs were living at home and it's difficult to find part time work in my field

So he blocked your career progressing as it might have done, you took on the bulk of the DC care. Now your earning power is less as a result.

You should not be splitting assets 50-50 and you should be entitled to a share of his pension.

Original poster
FabulousUsername · 06/12/2017 23:01

It's been a horrible day, 20+ texts about how cruel and mean I am, an email detailing my lack of empathy including links to narcissist websites, he thinks I am the narcissist when I have thought he was... Now wondering if he may be right? Gaslighting perhaps. Sad, we have wonderful DCs and many shared friends and it would be great if we could stay together but I think he's totally lost it today. I only texted him earlier to say I agreed with him that I must have intimacy problems therefore we need to be divorced ASAP so we can move on.

BTW I'm not thinking about money at all now. Forgot he could be like this with constant callng and texting to tell me how bad/wrong I am. Joke is, I'm working and putting money into the joint account l now and he isn't but he just had a go at me for working at a pathetic job. Decree nisi done several weeks ago so I need to get financial consent done, it's probably just hitting him how final it is but nothing he's said indicates he cares how I feel. Totally worn out, I'd forgotten how exhausting it is.

OP posts:
BlessYourCottonSocks · 06/12/2017 23:10

I think in your shoes I would send a text saying, 'I have saved the 20+ texts and the email you have sent. This is unacceptable and constitutes harassment. Do not contact me again unless it is to arrange contact with the children or I will be taking police advice'.

He doesn't get to stalk you with abuse.

SandyY2K · 06/12/2017 23:16

I'd ignore the text and proceed with the divorce.

Ellisandra · 06/12/2017 23:22

OP, please tell us that 50/50 on assets includes his pension which I assume is greater than yours?

Original poster
FabulousUsername · 07/12/2017 00:24

Ellis yes I think asset split is fair, no pensions but equal split of cash and property, I could go after a share of his business which has been successful but he seems to be not working at all now, they don't have any jobs at the moment, I'm not claiming anything from it.
Bless that's a good idea. I don't think he would like anyone to know. He's been hassling me all day to 'see someone' so I might tell him I'm going to see the GP and show them what he's been saying. I've been to the police before as he used to be much worse and they were very helpful.

OP posts:
StormTreader · 07/12/2017 10:28

"he thinks I am the narcissist when I have thought he was... Now wondering if he may be right?"

Wondering whether you actually are a narcissist is one of the strongest arguments that youre not - a narcissist wouldnt for a second entertain the thought that the problem might be with them.

ravenmum · 07/12/2017 10:39

My ex's OW told him I was a narcissist without even meeting me, based on the rubbish he had fed her. It's the go-to accusation these days. I brought it up with my counsellor and she basically said everyone acts in a self-centred way at times and a certain amount is actually necessary for our mental health. Proper narcissists are few and far between - contrary to the impression you might sometimes get on mumsnet - and yes, would not sit about worrying that they might be doing anything wrong.

Blobby10 · 07/12/2017 10:42

You could always send him a reply along the lines of " I took your advice and saw Goerge last night - we spent the whole night together and there were no problems with me being touched or showing love and affection to him" !!

Sorry if I got completely the wrong point of the thread Grin

Original poster
FabulousUsername · 07/12/2017 14:00

Thanks so much for all helpful comments... It really means a lot to me as I've no one to talk to about it. Really appreciate people taking time to give a new perspective Flowers and hear others experiences.
He's sent more texts this morning and gave me the phone number of a counsellor. I phoned GP and made appointment for next week but I have a genuine medical concern (unrelated) so will probably use it for that.
He sent one text this morning which stated that he cannot live without affection and the choices were that 1) I find some, 2) he 'ends his days in earth'., 3) he finds some with someone else. I felt bad.. wanted to shout OPTION3! But it seems mean when he's obviously hurting and doesn't have anyone else on the horizon. For context, the divorce started this summer when he had his eye in someone else but she is off the scene now...

OP posts:
StormTreader · 07/12/2017 14:10

"he finds some with someone else. I felt bad.. wanted to shout OPTION3!"

...But youre getting divorced! Is he really still trying to use the "be a better wife or Ill have an affair!" argument when you are getting divorced? Youve even said the decree nisi has been done several weeks ago so youre properly into the process now.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/12/2017 14:20

OP, I engage with his silly texts now. It's over, it's done and the more you post about him the better off I think you'll be if you cut ties completely.

You will be happy again... cut ties now and make plans to go.

LilaoftheGreenwood · 07/12/2017 14:20

Can't believe how many nasty fuckers on this thread have just listened to you say you had an abusive partner who has never admitted any fault with his behaviour, suggested you need to be diagnosed with something or put through hormonal change on his say-so Shock and you're the one getting shit?

Jesus, you are NOT abusive. You are not even slightly abusive. You would not in any way be equivalent to him if you considered getting back with him for financial security. Sadly, you'd be just like any other woman who wavers back towards a terrible choice because the future looks like a grim struggle.

Don't waver. I don't know what to say, because you WON'T be as financially secure and there's no getting round that. Just for god's sake ignore all these false equivalency shitheads trying to stamp on you when you're down, sorry for all the swearing just can't believe what I'm reading here.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/12/2017 14:21

*wouldn't engage