This text has thrown me (divorce related)

[FabulousUsername]

I'm in the process of divorcing H. But backtracking a bit, we are living apart, I am thriving and as it was his idea to move out I haven't felt too guilty. I'm happy just living apart but suddenly getting cold feet at the idea of losing the relative financial security I have enjoyed...I won't be destitute but we're splitting assets 50/50. And we're both in our 50s, my ability to earn is ok but my self confidence is eroding as I think of the future and wonder if I will be going downhill financially....he has greater earning ability than me. So, I've been playing with the idea of calling it off.

But the main problem he has with me is that he wants sex and 'affection' and I just don't want to give it. Of course there's more backstory, he has been very controlling and abusive. So, today he sent me this text: ...why dont you go and see someone and find out why you show no love or affection and wont be touched. ....his implication being that there is something wrong with me because I don't fancy him?

Please tell me to run and not look back. I'm finding myself wondering if perhaps I need to actually think about what part my frigidity, so to speak, has played in bringing about his depression? BTW he is verbally abusive (documented by police) and controlling and has never admitted any fault on his part. Nor will he seek counselling or help but thinks I should be diagnosed with something. He has suggested I be tested for autism and start HRT (no thanks) but several years ago he suggested I had thyroid problems and it turned out I did ok now and treatment never brought back my desire to have sex with him but he was sort of right!

He is behaving like this because he has lost control of you and it is driving him mad.
He is not really hurting he is fuming because you have done the one thing that men like this hate and that is walk away.
The relationship was supposed to end when he said so no the other way round.
I watched my exh do this.....when I agreed to stay he almost immediately started with the "I am in control of this relationship not you...it will end when I say it ends"!
He then made my life a living hell until I managed to leave and that was 6years ago and I have never looked back.
Stay strong OP you have been through more than enough with this idiot.
Put yourself first and treat yourself kindly

Is 'ends his days in earth' a quasi suicide threat? What did he mean?

OP I think you need to stop engaging with him completely.

All this advice is just continued attempts at coercive control and it must be exhausting fielding this nonsense.

Lila . So glad you 'get' me. I didn't mean I would stay or pretend affection or have sex with him for money but being away from him made me think we could make it work if he just appreciated me/gave me space! But I need to follow through with the divorce.

I do worry but I actually think I am fine, loving life on my own and I've made loads of new friends through various hobbies which I never could do before as he made it impossible for me. In fact I was out last night with a group of people in my profession which I feel proud to be a member of and I felt so guilty. Like I was doing something wrong or he knew where I was, he'd always jeered at them in the past. After his texts it spoiled my evening a bit.

I just have to stop engaging with him. And hope a new OW comes on the scene, for his sake of course

I just have to stop engaging with him.

Yes, exactly!

@NinonDeLenclos yes I think it was. He's threatened before. But not seriously.

He's a classic abuser. boringly predictable.

All bets are off with these arseholes, just do what you gotta do to get him the hell out of your life and make sure you are as secure as you can be.

OP there is no doubt in my mind you will be (already are!) happier without this man and divorce is absolutely the right way forward. But uncertain finances (and the headfuck of his messages) is enough to make anyone have a wobble and wonder whether you're doing the right thing.

When you waver again (which you more than likely will) re-read this thread and butterfly56's post in particular, what she said is exactly what's behind your H's behaviour and precisely what you'd be signing up for if you went back. The road is tough sometimes but it ends in a good place, keep going

Is there any way you can block his number, automatically mark his messages as read, send them into a special file to read later or e.g. get a new sim card and give everyone but him the new number? So that you can just look at his messages once a day/week and delete them in batches if necessary? Reading this nonsense is just making you unecessarily tense. Does he ever send you any actual relevant information or things you need to respond to, e.g. informing you about court dates or whatever?