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Original poster

New house to help marriage after DH affair?

130 replies

AnotherDayAndAllThat · 06/12/2017 07:42

Dh had an affair 2 1/2 years ago and we are getting through it slowly (still heaps of bad days but some OK ones now too) but we've hit another low point and fallen back into the same shitty routine and habits. I discovered DH's affair the same week we bought a new house (found another mobile when I was packing his stuff up)but the distraction of all the work that needed doing kinda gave us something else to focus on and helped me feel like he was committed to me.
Now the house is done we've got nothing really to talk about and I find myself thinking about his affair more now then I did this time last year. It's not helped by the fact he now has the same bored, detached manner he had when he had his affair.

We've made a bit on the house and I'm trying to convince him we should sell and do another one and that it's something for us to do together. He doesn't want the stress of it all again but I don't know what else to do to keep him occupied.

We don't have kids and tbh, I don't feel ready since his affair to bring a child into our marriage.

Friends think I'm burying his affair and keeping myself distracted and trying to keep him busy so he doesn't do it again. They're sort of right but it made me feel secure that he was committing to the house project with me and I want that feeling again.
I'm feeling anxious that what if he doesn't want to do because in his head he thinks it's locking him into our marriage for another couple of years. Is this stupid? Is it even stupid that there is a part of me that doesn't want him to leave and new house gives us longer to keep trying to fix us?

OP posts:
Pinkpillows · 06/12/2017 07:54

A house won't fix this, your DH himself has too

If your still feeling like this, you should 're think can you forgive him? It's not fair to work him hard so he doesn't stray, he will do it any way if he really wants.

You both need to talk to each other more

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 06/12/2017 07:54

Yes, that's crazy thinking.

I don't know what else to do to keep him occupied. He's not a toddler who need to be entertained.

Of course you want to feel secure again. You cannot feel secure with him because he's a cheater. You know he's likely to cheat again. Distraction techniques, keeping him occupied are not reasonable responses.

You know it's a bad relationship so cut your losses. If you buy a new house you are making it much harder for you to leave as well as him.

Why are you clinging to the dead donkey?

sooperdooper · 06/12/2017 07:57

If you've nothing in common and nothing to talk about apart from doing up houses are you really right together?

It's not your job to keep him entertained, your relationship shouldn't be on your shoulders to repair, he's the one who had the affair

Are you sure it's worth trying to work through it?

RainyApril · 06/12/2017 08:02

I've been through this. It won't work. At some point you will run out of distractions and have to accept the hollow empty feeling is your lot for the rest of your life, or for as long as you choose to stay with this bored detached man.

You don't sound like you've forgiven him, and it may be that he hasn't done enough to earn it, or it may be that he can never do enough to earn it. In many ways it doesn't matter. He sounds unhappy and so do you. You don't have children and have given it your best shot, time to call it a day imo.

AnyFucker · 06/12/2017 08:04

You feel you have to keep your H busy so he doesn't have another affair ?

Oh dear

Pinkpillows · 06/12/2017 08:06

I'm feeling anxious that what if he doesn't want to do because in his head he thinks it's locking him into our marriage for another couple of years. Is this stupid? Is it even stupid that there is a part of me that doesn't want him to leave and new house gives us longer to keep trying to fix us?

You are locking him down into a person he doesn't want to be, you will suffocate him. If he wants to be a cheater then say good for him and wave him off on his merry way because that's who he is, you can't change people or make them love you so they stay with you.

Your getting a new house to just argue feel upset in all your doing by moving houses is changing the decor the problems are still the same

What's your DH done to redeem himself?

Original poster
AnotherDayAndAllThat · 06/12/2017 08:10

I phrased that wrong, it's not that we don't have anything at all to talk about, just the house gave us something to focus on. Like for loads of couples, its the kids that hold them together after the affair. I don't mean long-term, I mean while their working it out. Does that make sense?
He's trying really hard and we still love each other but I'm always so anxious that if he has too much time and nothing "us-related" to focus on he'd cheat again. He tells me all the time he'd never do it again and that I need to trust him but it's really hard when you see the old patterns forming again. Like just watching tv or being him being on phone or ipad in the evenings instead of looking at house stuff together and talking about stuff we liked and planning for our future.

OP posts:
PhilODox · 06/12/2017 08:13

Sell the house and separate; why on earth are you staying with him?
He will do it again if his excuse is 'he was bored'...

Pinkpillows · 06/12/2017 08:17

He made marriage vows and broke them his word is good for nothing

Watching tv? IPad? Not focusing on the house? He's allowed to breathe and think of stuff away from the 'us' theme you got going on

End it this is unhealthy for both of you. You sound very controlling he can't be punished for rest of his life

MiniCooperLover · 06/12/2017 08:19

God that sounds exhausting. There are no kids involved, sell the house and divorce!

Original poster
AnotherDayAndAllThat · 06/12/2017 08:20

RainyApril its that hollow empty feeling that I can't shake unless we're busy doing stuff.
I 've forgiven him and he's done so much to earn my forgiveness like complete transparency, always putting my needs first now but I don't trust him not deep down and that's why I'm so anxious all the time.

The empty feeling is the one thing that is always there though if we're sat next to each other without doing something. That's why I think if we have a project it'll give us bit longer and in that time maybe the empty feeling will go until I trust him enough to have a baby.

OP posts:
Dontsayyouloveme · 06/12/2017 08:23

You can’t keep buying houses to detract from an affair or prevent him doing it again. Can you really live the rest of your life worrying about whether he’s going to cheat again? I bought a house with my EXH after his affair, thinking it would be a fresh start. How wrong I was, I’ve spent most of this year, selling the house and untangling myself from him financially. All extra stress on top of divorce, that I really could have avoided if I had thought rationally about our relationship.

Please stay put and focus on how you how to either accept and move in from his affair or end the marriage.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 06/12/2017 08:27

What what?! Now you want to distract yourself hard enough to get pregnant? Good lord no.

At least this flags up what you actually want. You want to have babies. You have a husband so that's the easiest way to end up with a family. Problem is he's not the one. You feel empty.

Having a baby never fixes relationship problems. It only makes it harder to leave. Having children takes all your negative traits and amplifies them because you are tired, stressed and short of money most of the time.

Don't have a baby with him. Find someone else.

MessyBun247 · 06/12/2017 08:27

Please don’t bring a baby into this. Don’t try to cling onto him so that he’ll have a baby. Don’t try and keep him distracted so he won’t get bored and cheat again. You can’t keep him distracted forever.

The relationship doesn’t sound healthy. Do you want to feel worried for the rest of your life? Do you want to carry that empty feeling round forever? You deserve more than that. You deserve ACTUAL happiness.

Original poster
AnotherDayAndAllThat · 06/12/2017 08:46

No no, its not that I want a baby now or that I think a baby will fix our relationship. Its that I think if we have a project together that gives me a bit more time to trust him again then maybe one day we'll be ready for a family.

Dontsayyouloveme, I sorta see a new house as another fresh start too but agree your just taking your problems to a different house. Loads of people come on MN and say their marriages are better so with enough time surely that empty hollow feeling goes?

OP posts:
RatRolyPoly · 06/12/2017 08:51

It's for him to fix his "bored, detached manner", not you. He's an adult - in a marriage - and he should be able to work out how to be occupied and satisfied with that without resorting to affairs. Or perhaps he isn't satisfied with that... I think you need an honest conversation between you and whether or not this looks like it's going somewhere you'd both be happy with in the long run.

RatRolyPoly · 06/12/2017 08:52

OP have you told him why you want to do another house with him? Explicitly?

Hermonie2016 · 06/12/2017 08:57

How old are you both? How long married and what are the details re the affair?

I think you need to focus on what you want if he doesn't change.
On a practical note if you buy another house you may lose money and if there is a separation that will be important.

Original poster
AnotherDayAndAllThat · 06/12/2017 08:58

His affair made me physically and mentally ill during the first year and he accepts total responsibility for this and feels properly guilty about what he's put me through so I don't think he'd resort to cheating again.
Its just the anxiety I feel when we aren't doing stuff together or I don't know exactly what he's doing is crippling and while we were doing the house I knew exactly where he was and what he was doing all the time.

OP posts:
Penfold007 · 06/12/2017 08:59

You don't trust him and haven't been able to move on after two and a half years (very understandable). The marriage is over, if you think you might like a child at some point please don't waste your fertile years. Sell the house and divorce him.

RatRolyPoly · 06/12/2017 09:06

i don't know exactly what he's doing is crippling and while we were doing the house I knew exactly where he was and what he was doing all the time.

But if he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life doing up houses that isn't going to help you :(

Original poster
AnotherDayAndAllThat · 06/12/2017 09:09

I've told him a new house will be good for us both, an activity and something to focus on. I haven't told him it's because of my anxiety.

He has changed and is a better husband who shows me lots of patience and love even when I'm having really rough days years on. I read the thread about anniversaries and even years later they are such shit days but he's patient and kind. Its me that's struggling so much with the emptiness and fact I don't trust him no matter what he does.

I'm 28 DH 29 and been together 7 years, married 3. OW was an older married woman with one kid he worked with (he changed jobs after I found out). Their affair lasted a year and he fell in love with her but she was never gonna leave her marriage because of the kids. Makes me sick thinking about it as we'd only just gotten married ourselves.

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 06/12/2017 09:10

Don't keep dragging it out, find someone better to have children with if that's what you want. He's already betrayed your trust, walk away.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 06/12/2017 09:12

I don't think he'd resort to cheating again.
What kind of messed up thinking is behind that statement? resort to cheating Do you feel responsible for him cheating?

mickhucknallspinkpancakes · 06/12/2017 09:15

I would sell up and get another house to work on. But it would be alone, I'd do it as a project for myself to rebuild my life. Then I'd think about finding someone else I could trust and love without conditions and have a family with.

Children and house projects aren't things that bind a couple together....otherwise there wouldn't be so many single parent families like me.

Only love, trust, respect and kindness bond a couple well. He hasn't shown much of that and he confessed he loved the other woman.

How can you feel relaxed and safe in that environment?