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Original poster

New house to help marriage after DH affair?

130 replies

AnotherDayAndAllThat · 06/12/2017 07:42

Dh had an affair 2 1/2 years ago and we are getting through it slowly (still heaps of bad days but some OK ones now too) but we've hit another low point and fallen back into the same shitty routine and habits. I discovered DH's affair the same week we bought a new house (found another mobile when I was packing his stuff up)but the distraction of all the work that needed doing kinda gave us something else to focus on and helped me feel like he was committed to me.
Now the house is done we've got nothing really to talk about and I find myself thinking about his affair more now then I did this time last year. It's not helped by the fact he now has the same bored, detached manner he had when he had his affair.

We've made a bit on the house and I'm trying to convince him we should sell and do another one and that it's something for us to do together. He doesn't want the stress of it all again but I don't know what else to do to keep him occupied.

We don't have kids and tbh, I don't feel ready since his affair to bring a child into our marriage.

Friends think I'm burying his affair and keeping myself distracted and trying to keep him busy so he doesn't do it again. They're sort of right but it made me feel secure that he was committing to the house project with me and I want that feeling again.
I'm feeling anxious that what if he doesn't want to do because in his head he thinks it's locking him into our marriage for another couple of years. Is this stupid? Is it even stupid that there is a part of me that doesn't want him to leave and new house gives us longer to keep trying to fix us?

OP posts:

NeilPetark · 06/12/2017 19:58

You shouldn’t need to keep him occupied in order to stop him having an affair. That should just be a given.

SandyY2K · 06/12/2017 20:25

He cheated in the early stages of your marriage....he didn't leave because she wasn't free and available.... so essentially he's with you by default.

I don't mean to sound harsh...but you are so desperate to get over it. There isn't a time limit on when you should.

You can't keep trying to distract him. Have you discussed your observations with him?.... don't waste your best years on him.

He fell in love with another woman after you'd not long been married.

Sadly through my supporting role....I know men and women who get married while having an affair... are you sure thud wasn't going on pre marriage?

Either way... you may find out that you can't get the trust back... and that's not your fault.

Staying faithful isn't a big ask in a marriage. Is he really husband material?

jedenfalls · 06/12/2017 20:48

He isn't husband material

It feels empty and hollow because he is empty and hollow.

Being unable to trust him isn't a fault that lies with you being somehow broken. It's because he's an untrustworthy cheating bastard.

Ditch the loser and get a fabulous new life.

revengeongc · 06/12/2017 20:57

"It feels empty and hollow because he is empty and hollow.

Being unable to trust him isn't a fault that lies with you being somehow broken. It's because he's an untrustworthy cheating bastard.

Ditch the loser and get a fabulous new life."

^^ THIS.

rachelracket · 06/12/2017 22:14

no children? leave. leave while you can. this isn't going away.

Worriedrose · 06/12/2017 23:07

Leaving is fucking hard. Anyone who just says leave you don't have kids it's easy, is being incredibly flippant.
Realising that anything is not working is heartbreaking

CoyoteCafe · 07/12/2017 03:20

My husband cheated, our marriage survived. I understand enjoying working on projects with him. I get it.

Part of the reason we worked it out was our 2 children, one with autism. My DH has tried very hard to mend things,

It’s been almost 10 years. Most of the time I’m fine, but sometimes a memory will jog and the pain comes back like it’s fresh. Those very specific memories of finding out, the clues that led up , and so on, never go the whole way away. We don’t fight often, but when we do it comes up. It will always be there.

Original poster

AnotherDayAndAllThat · 07/12/2017 08:42

Properly gutted reading this. I know we have problems and I haven't gotten over his affair not really but I thought I'd be further along with dealing the endless misery after what he did.

A pp asked what I thought people would say and I guess I hoped someone would say yeah we did it, we moved house and had a project and it was a fresh start that worked and everything clicked into place. I guess I also thought people would say he should be agreeing to do another house with me and want to bend over backwards to do what I want to fix us and if that means a new house for whatever the reasons for me might be, he should agree.

I guess its right I've sorta been relying on external factors to keep us together and filling the emptiness with other stuff.

then I read stuff like what coyote says about the affair always being there years later and I don't wanna do another year forget 10 thinking about OW and how Dh loved another woman while we were married. Its so f ing shit, all of it.

Having kids is a massive thing too as I thought we'd have started our family by now or at least soonish and I don't even wanna think about starting fresh and how old i'll be by the time I meet someone, love them and trust them (if I'll ever stop being so anxious about all of this) to have a baby.

So much spinning around in my head and its not fair he's done this and I'm still suffering.

OP posts:

Original poster

AnotherDayAndAllThat · 07/12/2017 08:52

Sorry coyote I didn't mean for that to sound rude. I'm so sad for you that your DH did the same I just mean I don't know how you keep going even though the affair is something you still think about. Your a stronger woman than me and I just meant I don't think I can do it.

I just wanna bury it all and I'm sick of all the triggers. When I'm not busy I think about dates and what we were doing that year he was busy shagging OW. Like I can't even buy a f ing xmas tree anymore without thinking of OW as that year I went myself to get the tree because he had to "work" that Saturday morning. It's just always there, the memories staining everything.

I guess I just hoped that if we are keeping busy and more time passes I'll get over it. But I get what everyone has said and why? Why would I put myself through another day of this?

OP posts:

PNGirl · 07/12/2017 09:31

My friend was 28 and had been married 3 years when her husband slept with a colleague. She ended things and is now engaged to a lovely man she met at 31. Staying with this man for potentially 40-50 years must be losing its appeal at this point!

Animation86 · 07/12/2017 09:36

My suggestion is individual counseling (not couples counseling) to help you make peace with the past. It might help you let go of the marriage, or it might help you feel calmer and stay in. Either way, if your goal is “peace” you win.
I agree. Couples Counselling never works unless you're doing individual counselling of your own too. I've done both, but counselling for me has really helped.

RatRolyPoly · 07/12/2017 09:43

I left my exh at 28 to be rid the ghosts that haunted us both - like you, we had been through a lot of pain together that we just couldn't escape. Sometimes you just have to cut loose to be free of it. It's easier to live with our having broken up than to have that monkey on my back day in, day out.

Well actually these days it's so far from "easier", it's untrue; at first it was just "easier" - barely - but now it's wonderful. Actually wonderful. I'm 34 now and have a toddler and a baby with a man I'm marrying in 2019.

Perhaps you might achieve what we couldn't and be able to live with the ghosts, but if you can't there's no shame in that. And there's so much life out there for you afterwards.

SamanthaBrique · 07/12/2017 10:16

I don't even wanna think about starting fresh and how old i'll be by the time I meet someone, love them and trust them (if I'll ever stop being so anxious about all of this) to have a baby.

FWIW OP, I got together with DP about 2 years after I split from my ex (I'd known him about a year prior to that) and got pregnant with DS around 3 years after that. He's now nearly 4 and we're still together.

I was older than you when I split up with my ex so you have plenty of time to meet someone else!

Although I wouldn't recommend you go about doing that immediately - far better to take some time to figure out what you want in life. Counselling may help too.

ExConstance · 07/12/2017 10:29

You are still very young and have no children so it really doesn't make sense to be in a relationship that isn't making you happy. it sounds like a battle to keep it going and the worry and stress you are feeling is not good. I tend not to judge people on a single lapse but I strongly suspect that he will have another affair at some point and if you stay with him you will be older and perhaps have a child by then. There are so man lovely decent kind and loving men out there, it doesn't make any sense to stay with this deeply flawed individual.

In good marriages the parties don't have to worry about keeping each other occupied, life just flows from bus fun days to mundane ones, to days when all you want is a cuddle on the sofa in front of an old film and a fish finger sandwich. If you did move house again the new project wouldn't last forever - what then?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 07/12/2017 10:30

I don't even wanna think about starting fresh and how old i'll be by the time I meet someone, love them and trust them (if I'll ever stop being so anxious about all of this) to have a baby.

One of my closest friends stayed in a marriage for the same reasons. She eventually left when she was 34 & he had yet another affair. She had also been holding off having a baby with him until he "settled down" a bit. I appreciate it's only one story but, 2 years later she met a wonderful man at a mutual friend's birthday party. To cut a long story short, she is now very happily married & is pregnant with her third DC. She had/will have her DCs at the ages of 38, 39 & 42.

Justbreathing · 07/12/2017 10:31

by the time it breaks down further you could be well into your 30's
PLEASE read about the sunk cost fallacy.

maybe you are meant to be together, and after a year apart learning about yourself and making yourself happy you might want to go back to him or you might find someone else, either way it will be your choice and not just a default position and either way you will end up feeling more secure and happy.

The problem with not wanting to let go, is you know deep down you really HAVE to let go, so limbo is a safe place. but limbo is GRIM and honestly it never works.

I hung on till i was 35. different circumstances, but bloody hell, the only piece of advice I would give my younger self was to not kill myself trying to fix something that was broken and that the other person was happy to just ignore. I might be over generalising, but a lot of men can just poodle along in their own little bubble, as long as no one is screaming in their face on a daily basis they can be relatively contented. I know so many men in unhappy relationships like your OP who will never have the courage to leave because it's just a bit too hard and if their wife makes enough effort then it's fine for them.

You can try and bury all your feelings and hope they go away, but by even asking I think you know deep down they won't.

CoyoteCafe · 07/12/2017 10:58

Another day, you weren’t rude to me at all. I shared what I did about my life because I thought it might help you. Most days are fine, and I honestly go for months without thinking about it. But I have specific Christmas memories too, and they come back every year. Ten years later and it never goes totally away.

I think that part of what makes it hard to leave is that it so much misery at once, and it seems easier to stay because staying is only a little misery. But staying means that the misery is always, always there. When you are weighing things and deciding what to do, try to think about 10 years, 20 years down the line, and every Christmas knowing he was with her while you prepared for Christmas. Because you will never forget it.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 07/12/2017 14:42

Every day you stay with him you are a day older.

It is clear from your posts that you know in your heart you will split eventually.

Instead of thinking about how hard it will be now, perhaps think about how you will feel a year from now, two years from now. If you drag it out now, chances are you'll be kicking yourself later for prolonging your misery needlessly and for wasting time.

You've got masses of time to meet someone and make babies. All the same, it's a waste to stay in a relationship that can't end with fulfillment and babies.

Jigglytuff · 07/12/2017 18:55

AnotherDay is already having counselling.

I think relationships can sometimes move on after affairs. But not this kind of affair.

Not when he fell in love with another woman, six months into your marriage and would have left you if she'd said yes. And that's basically what you're facing. You're the booby prize.

You've really, really tried but you can't forgive him and you can't ever trust him again. And that's fine. This is not your fault. None of this is your fault. It's all his.

But get out now because this isn't going to go away and you have no reason - and plenty of time - to find someone who will cherish you. Don't settle for this half-life. You're so much better than that.

MarieG10 · 07/12/2017 22:47

I think the relationship isn’t fixable based on how you describe it. Better to get out now rather than kid yourself

SandyY2K · 07/12/2017 22:55

Leaving is fucking hard. Anyone who just says leave you don't have kids it's easy, is being incredibly flippant.

It's much easier than if you did have kids together though.

Key to this.... is the cheating early in a marriage... when you've just made the commitment to be faithful.

This isn't a marriage that was strained through the pressure and stress of young kids.

You weren't having sleepless nights...no exhaustion from breastfeeding or other childcare related issues.

What hope is there for when the going really gets tough.

If someone cheats when things going well... and leaves you feeling like you have to keep him distracted so he doesn't stray again... then you really should think if this is sustainable long term.

You can't go through your marriage finding projects to distract your husband.

andylovesme · 08/12/2017 00:18

The fact that you are thinking of doing something together and seeing if it can help in keeping him away from affair would only cause you stress. Marriage is about understanding and staying close. He should feel close to you and should never think of another woman. Same goes for you too. If that is not happening you will perpetually stressing yourself on how to keep him busy. If you feel deep within that you want to leave rather than holding him, feel free to do it. But make sure your husband doesnt play emotionally to keep you in marriage.

NeilPetark · 08/12/2017 13:56

I agree with your friends btw. I think you’re trying to keep distracted so you don’t have to think about it in the hope it will all blow over. Only it won’t.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 08/12/2017 14:10

I’m going to be blunt.

You’re 28. Fucking hell. Sell the bloody house, take your share of the proceeds and move on.

Move on. He is NOT worth spending the best years of your life scared that if you don’t keep him busy he'll go off & fuck someone else. You have your WHOLE life ahead of you.

It will NEVER go away. It will always be there. Do you really want to waste your life feeling like this?

I’d bloody shake you if I could. 28? FMD

AnnieAnoniMouse · 08/12/2017 14:12

Yes ’Leaving is fucking hard’. No one is saying it isn’t. But staying & living feeling like this is a MILLION times harder.

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