New house to help marriage after DH affair?

[AnotherDayAndAllThat]

Dh had an affair 2 1/2 years ago and we are getting through it slowly (still heaps of bad days but some OK ones now too) but we've hit another low point and fallen back into the same shitty routine and habits. I discovered DH's affair the same week we bought a new house (found another mobile when I was packing his stuff up)but the distraction of all the work that needed doing kinda gave us something else to focus on and helped me feel like he was committed to me.
Now the house is done we've got nothing really to talk about and I find myself thinking about his affair more now then I did this time last year. It's not helped by the fact he now has the same bored, detached manner he had when he had his affair.

We've made a bit on the house and I'm trying to convince him we should sell and do another one and that it's something for us to do together. He doesn't want the stress of it all again but I don't know what else to do to keep him occupied.

We don't have kids and tbh, I don't feel ready since his affair to bring a child into our marriage.

Friends think I'm burying his affair and keeping myself distracted and trying to keep him busy so he doesn't do it again. They're sort of right but it made me feel secure that he was committing to the house project with me and I want that feeling again.
I'm feeling anxious that what if he doesn't want to do because in his head he thinks it's locking him into our marriage for another couple of years. Is this stupid? Is it even stupid that there is a part of me that doesn't want him to leave and new house gives us longer to keep trying to fix us?

*You're

For god's sake leave him. It's been two years and you haven't been able to work through it, it really isn't going to happen now. You don't have children, thegouse hs finished so you have no reason not to divorce. At this point you are just trying to stop him from leaving while you bury your head in the sand for another two to three years doing up the next house.

Just listen to what everyone is saying

That passion is called hysterical bonding. You have lots of sex because you want closeness to the cheater but after a while you realise it's just sex and isn't healing your mental and emotional wounds. The cheater is getting lots of sex and compliments so gets to feel like a King/Queen. The sex distracts the cheater from missing their affair partner but eventually they go through the mourning process of that breakup (which might be him bring aloof- he can't tell you this can he?)

Your friends are right. The house is a sticking plaster and not a suitable replacement for therapy. For you it may be something that creates memories but at the end of the day it's a money earner so why not? Especially as you seem to be keen to bend over backwards to please him.

You cant stop someone having an affair. Even if you were together 23 hours a day (and the last hour was toilet, shower, quick trip to B&Q), a determined person could still have an affair in that time.

I suspect that a successful reconciliation involves facing the past and not hiding from it. I split from my ex after his affair and I cant tell you what a relief it is not to worry about his whereabouts.

One day you will kick yourself for allowing someone you make you feel so shit. You need to build up your self esteem (maybe by doing a house up yourself)'and focus on what's good in your life- work, friend, hobbies...

Op you may find having your own personal counselling helpful so that you can explore your options and have a clearer idea of what it is you actually want from life. You will have to work with what you want, not what you want him to be/do. You only have control over your own actions.

It is likely that you have an untrue image superimposed onto him, a what you would like him to be, when infact the reality is very different.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling the way you do right now?

Honestly, it shouldn't be like this. You are 28. You do not have to put up with a marriage where your husband has fallen in love with another woman, had a long affair and is now distracted again all within a 3 year marriage and 7 year relationship. It really is not normal and is not something you need to put up with. Get out while you are young before you waste the next 10 years hoping it gets better. You cannot trust this man. It is not your fault you feel anxious because of his behaviour. He is not trustworthy; most people would feel the same. You can make a great new life for yourself without him but don't waste years of your life before you finally go for it.

Agree that individual counselling will help you a lot in terms of how to deal with this and move forward. You are still very young. Please don't have a child in this miserable relationship.

Some people can get past affairs and some can’t, it doesn’t mean that the people who can’t are weak. A year long affair, where the major reason he didn’t leave was because she didn’t want to be with him, would be difficult for anybody to ‘get past’ and your anxiety is totally understandable.

However, you can’t keep doing this to yourself, you can’t keep holding your breath. Staying in the marriage is a risk, a risk that might not pay off but you can not move forward if you’re this scared. The erosion of your MH is a very high price to pay to stay in a relationship.

Doing up your house is a distraction for you, not him because it’s become the thing that you use to moderate your anxieties. He can do up a house and have an affair at the same time but you need the distraction to keep the bad thoughts at bay.

I don’t know what your MH was like before his affair but the discovery, has probably fed a general anxiety, which has now formed into a specific one.

I know you’re desperate to realise the complete dream that you were on course to have before the affair derailed it but you can’t go on pushing the bad thoughts to the back of your mind. It’s time to get professional help to face the fear.

I hope this doesn't sound patronising as I mean it kindly but you are young and trying to work this out with a coping strategy of keeping him busy.

This isn't the basis of a long marriage.He fell in love with another woman and that puts him at risk of repeating it.

There is a reason why people have affairs and its mostly due to their values, avoidance of conflict or need for an ego boost.

He has to determine his factors for the affair..not you assuming its a project.

I think you should question if he can have relationships outside of the honeymoon period, is he always going to chase excitement?

At 28 you are so young but I know you wont feel that..you do have loafs of time to find someone who doesn't cheat when he gets bored.

Did your family know?

I want to feel the same whole and unconditional love I felt for him the day we got married. But that was long time ago and his stupid affair has shattered my ability to trust anything or anyone. Thats probably all I want, to be able to trust him again.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like this. I sort of hoped that by now I'd have moved forward more.

I did for a while but I guess the emptiness has always been under the surface. He tells me over that he doesn't feel like this and he's totally over the OW but sometimes I think he looks sad and empty too.

It's been years and I shouldn't still have these massive trust issues.

Don't fall prey to the sunk costs fallacy - Google it (and hysterical bonding).

If you choose to stay in this marriage, this is your life (until he falls in love with someone else who is available).

Isetan you are so right, that's what my counsellor said too that the house was to moderate my anxieties. And your right about the complete dream too. I'm still having counselling which helps in some ways but I know I need another outlet to focus on otherwise I fixate on DH and OW.

Oh and you have massive trust issues because he's massively betrayed your trust. It's not a fault in you.

I think you are being too hard on yourself, as if you should have pulled yourself together by now

These feelings were delayed but they are real and normal.

It is a hard place to be in Op, it sounds as though you are mourning the marriage that you dreamed of having with him.

Have a read on the stages of bereavement, and gently let yourself say goodbye to the old dreams, so that you can say hello to some new ones.

You are blaming yourself excessively.

You keep going on about how you shouldn't have trust issues because he's been saying the right things for ages and you believe he hasn't cheated again and you believe he was genuinely sorry he hurt you and you can check on his communications at will. I think your logic is faulty.

You don't have trust "issues". You have a well founded belief that when he is bored with the relationship then he might seek fun elsewhere. He appears to be bored now. You yourself are bored of him now.

That is not a problem with your mind being faulty. It is reality. It is sensible and logical.

It is completely 100% reasonable to never be able to trust him again. It isn't a failing. It is common sense.

yes you were hysterical bonding. The problems begin when you're back to normal and there arent the highs and lows anymore.

In one way, it's sad for you both, you both need to be mature and think about your lives and future. He actually fell in love with someone else. not just a bit of sex on the side.
At that point he should have walked away whether he ended up with her or not.
This is all a sticking plaster, and it's not your fault in anyway. I have huge doubts about people that say it's all better when they have stayed, I think people are pragmatic about their situations and with children they might feel the need to stay. But in your situation you deserve someone who doesnt want to fall in love with someone else.

Perhaps you would be much better at being friends. If you can.

I'm sure if you have a counsellor then you know about the sunk cost fallacy and hysterical bonding.

He sounds like an utter coward BTW. Of course things were fine when you were jumping through hoops to please him, but guess what. That is not real life. Love is more than that

And never think it was your failing, it was his.

"It is completely 100% reasonable to never be able to trust him again. It isn't a failing. It is common sense."

This. You are not the one with the problem, OP. You are responding in a completely normal and healthy way to an appalling situation.

I'm going to shout now. YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO TRUST THIS MAN.

My husband had an 18 month affair with a friend of mine. It completely broke me but I thought I wanted to reconcile. I was lying to myself. When someone is that untrustworthy, they can never be trusted again. No trust = no marriage.

As another poster said, not having to worry about your ex's whereabouts and who/what he's doing is marvellous. The peace of mind is immense. Please get that for yourself.

Love can be enduring but trust isn't.

What many of us can relate to is 10-15 years down the line.Its not any better and if anything you feel worse.Then you look back and think why didn't I leave when I was so young.
I think you might be ignoring your gut instinct..(manyof us have) but would encourage you to listen hard.
At this age you may feel a failure for a marriage ending but its not rare and in 5 years you might hear of quite a few friends in similar positions.

I’m someone who doesn’t believe an affair necessarily spells the end of a relationship. A few people do move forward and are happy again. From what you’ve said I really can’t see that happening and if I were you, I’d call time on this short marriage.

OP when you love someone you don’t need shared bonding activities, you absolutely can sit in silence and be perfectly content.

That passionate bit that was the best part of your marriage? Hysterical bonding.

And now he hasn't done enough. It may be that he can't - that's something you'll have to call; but either he hasn't done enough or he can't do enough for you to forgive him and you're tearing yourself apart trying to forget your anxieties and keep him entertained enough that he doesn't have the time or motivation to cheat again. You can't live like that. When you've got a 8 month old baby who doesn't want to be put down; you might have some periods where entertaining him isn't top of your list and he's feeling bored and rejected. You cannot believe that he'll be reaching out for an affair then; or it won't work. And he can't be seeking attention elsewhere.

Don't buy a new house. You're not healed yet and it's been two and a half years - nearly three times the duration of the affair; a long time by anyone's standards. You've already wasted a lot of your life trying to forgive him for this.

Thats the problem too Hermonie, I feel like a failure if our marriage ends now but I worry loads about feeling like this a year down the line never mind 10-15 years down the line.

If the emptiness inside me would just go then it would be a little easier but when it's just the 2 of us in a room its horrible at times. We haven't socialised much without other people there (friends or family) to avoid how empty it feels.

I want to ask the posters who've been betrayed, how long did you keep trying to piece together the lost trust before you decided you couldn't try any more and it's never gonna be there (or decide you could live without it) ???