Is change possible? - Domestic Violence/Emotional Abuse

[SanitysSake]

Dear All,

Not wanting to trigger anyone.. I have a question re: the above.

Do you think it's possible for a partner to change after they have been violent and/or emotionally abusive?

If so, how did they do it?

Would greatly appreciate your opinions x

What about your beautiful and intelligent child growing up in a home where their father is abusing their mother? Do you really want another generation to be subjected to emotional torture?

He's taken all your money too? I have spent all the proceeds of the house I sold on building a life for us. If I leave, I'd be doing it with the clothes on my back Where has your money gone?

Are you married?

Why would it be you leaving?

If he's mortified at hurting you how is he showing it?

Has he given up alcohol completely? If I had hurt my partner while drunk repeatedly then I would stop drinking immediately. Has he?

Has he offered to move out while he gets therapy? If I was repeatedly hurting my partner I would move out to avoid hurting them while I sorted myself out. Has he made any such offer?

Has he done anything at all to suggests that he wants to sort himself out and drop the alcohol and to at least attempt to be a better man than the stressed out one he has become What has he done to start on this path?

I waited 15 years for him to change and it didn't.

I'm now with the most amazing man. Get out op!!

You are in such a hard situation. And only you can decide to change it.

I don't believe they can change 99.9% of the time, but I understand your desire to see him change. I'm leaving mine now but it breaks my heart to turn my back on his "good" side (which is truly good and worthwhile) but I believe he can't truly change and the relationship is deeply damaging to me. But I can understand your conflict.

Maybe don't pressure yourself to leave, but do push yourself to take time to explore what you want from life and what your standards should be from your partner and the father of your child. Can you do some individual counselling to explore this? Have you done much reading about the dynamics of abuse? Can you talk to Women's Aid again, see if there is a group meeting locally?

If it turns out he can reform, then no harm done, all you've done is taken sensible steps to help yourself and your child navigate a tricky time. If he can't or won't change (I think this is 1000x more likely) then these steps may be a valuable foundation.

As another victim I also say no in the vast majority of cases.
I agree with cousin above.

No they don’t change
Yes it will always escalate.

As someone upthread said - there’s no global shortage of men. Throwbthe ahitvines back.

Imagine you personally being emotionally abusive and physically abusive to someone smaller and weaker than you who was scared. I bet you feel actually sick at the thought - you’d have to be a different person, right? It would take a lot to change from being that person. At some level, he feels he has the right to be violent, or he wouldn’t. Many people would never under any circumstances cross this boundary. Many people get angry and stressed and have had hard lives and still don’t. Do you really want a man who does? It’s crap and i’m sorry OP.

If it turns out he can reform, then no harm done, all you've done is taken sensible steps to help yourself and your child navigate a tricky time. If he can't or won't change (I think this is 1000x more likely) then these steps may be a valuable foundation.

This made me feel so much better. In fact, I loved your whole post, Crispy. You get the position I'm in entirely. Sorry you're having to leave yours. You hit the nail on the proverbial head about turning your back on his good side...

As for the money - it went into furnishing the place we're living in. We don't have a house of our own, so there's nothing I could claw back from that and frankly, to uplift a whole house of furniture would be a nightmare.

myheartbelongsto - You said it took 15 years. May I ask how your situation started off?

runrabbit - He has booked us into emergency couples counselling. A miracle in itself as he never takes on the mental load for anything requiring organisation... As for the drinking... He knows he can't any more.

Adora - No I don't. However, I do not want to prematurely rob her of growing up with her father around unless he can't/won't change.

Bluntness - I am very well versed in that scenario, having had a former partner who was a police officer. Hence why I sadly know that if it comes to it, i will have to pull the ripcord and leave.

As an aside, has anyone ever been given medications for anxiety that are any good? Could do with some... x

The best medication for anxiety would be to leave your abusive partner. My depression and anxiety miraculously disappeared once my husband became my ex.

Sorry but you would move out and take your belongings with you in a normal, civilised way. That's what separating couples do. No need to worry about furniture in the short term.

I'm sorry to see that the post you like best supports your idea that your abuser can change.

I've been deluding myself for a while that change can happen. In my experience I'm sorry, I don't think it can xx.

He's booked into couples counselling? So he think his drinking and violence is a couple's problem, not his problem? Oh dear, that's bad.

Has he actually stopped drinking completely?

How old is your child ? If they are old enough to repeat anything they see at home you might find social services taking an interest in your situation. And rightly so.

And please don't say your child is oblivious to the drinking and abuse. That would be even more sad and deluded than the cliched refrain "but I love him....."

I think you are scared of him, despite what you say. your reaction to Women's Aid calling back tells you that. It makes perfect sense to be scared. You can manage his level of violence now - a push, a kick - but you would never have expected him to do that much a few years ago so logically you know that if can go through that boundary, he can go through the next and the next too. Unless you are bigger and stronger than him and know how to fight, you are in physical danger and you know it. You won't get to decide when he escalates to the next level of violence. He will decide that.

If his violence is exclusively linked to his drinking, then, yeah, maybe the fact that he no longer drinks (presumably he no longer drinks?) means you are unlikely - although it won't be certain - to be hit. You will spend the rest of your life worrying about him going out and having a drink though. Because you won't get to decide that either. he will.

I am of the school of he won't change and you don't need to keep a shit man but if you do want to have any hope of him changing, it will only happen if he realises that you will not tolerate his violence - so throw him out. Maybe he will change, prove himself to you and you can see how it works. But why would he change if it is clear you will stay in the relationship even though you are stuck in a grim and sordid cycle of drunkenness and grappling and kicking each other. Look what he is turning you into.

And what the hell is with the couples' counselling? What bit of drunk and violent is yours to change?

Everyone in this situation thinks their situation is unique but it is depressingly similar to all other violent men. Right down to:

I love him
The children don't know anything
He is a fantastic father
The other side of him is beautiful

Honestly it’s not about what you want him to be, that’s not tangible, how he is now is real and will stay that way, I sound like a broken record but my brave, beautiful friend walked away from an abusive situation that was escalating with 3 kids and just the clothes they were wearing, she came through and more than that, thrived and flourished, pls don’t live on wishful thinking, disgruntled kicking in bed and all else you describe is toxic, it can’t be anything else, I really think (and was in physically and emotionally abusive relationship myself when younger) once those acts infiltrate a relationship it has to come to an end, it’s all around respect, trust, integrity and abuse damages all of that, some form of misguided love still sticks around, but it’s a longing for the man you want him to be rather than the one he is

Your partner is a violent drunk what would you advise your dc if in a relationship with a violent drunk? To stay and walk on eggshells waiting for next attack.
Its not the alcohol that makes him abusive its him that chooses to attack you when drunk. The alcohol is an excuse and if he was truly mortified by his drunken violence he'd have removed himself from the home you share with dc the very 1st time he attacked you or actually even thought about attacking you.
Who else does he abuse when drunk? Just you?

Couples counseling doesn't change a violent man! You need individual counseling for you to figure out why love means you put up with physical abuse?
He wont change and whether the violence escalates depends on how much control he has over you.
And if he were to change he would be totally disgusted with the man he'd become and leave you to find a peaceful abuse free future.
Infact if he's serious about getting help and changing he needs to stay away from his victim.

It makes no difference if you retaliate when he pushes or kicks you - he's the one initiating the physical violence, he's the one dragging your relationship down to that level.

Seriously anyone doing that is showing such a level of disrespect, disdain etc. Thats how he behaves to his partner, take yourselves personally out of the picture for a minute and imagine watching that scenario with another couple in it; what would you think of the man?

Also, couples counselling - no good for an abusive man - Pointless and counter productive.

The beautiful, broken part reminds me of Lundy Bancroft's 'why does he do that?' - how women become convinced that this man is some beautiful, broken machine that then have to fix.

He's not.

I thought I could change my violent ex with all sorts of counselling and outside help but it didn't work and I ended up with him breaking my arm and other injuries.
You cannot change a man

I'm glad my post was useful to you. For the record, I'm not trying to excuse his behaviour and I honestly think it's incredibly unlikely he can change, but I also get how heartbreaking and difficult this is. Also I think that when you are being bullied and abused by a partner, to break free you HAVE to start making your own decisions and putting yourself first ... and you have to decide to do that yourself, not trade doing things to placate your partner for doing things to placate us. Hopefully we can give you some useful perspective (like being kicked by your partner, even if it's gentle and you kick back, is NOT NORMAL OR ACCEPTABLE) but you are the one who gets to make the decisions.

I think it is OK to give yourself permission to feel sad about it. But remember the real tragedy is not that you are hurting him by leaving him--the real tragedy is that he is so messed up he chooses to abuse his lovely partner instead of consistently being a decent human being. And that is HIS RESPONSIBILITY, not yours, to fix.

good luck. I can tell you that while the process of separating is painful I am already feeling 1000x more positive about my future and yes, it is the best anxiety medication in the world (though talk with your GP about that anyway).

Also--furniture is just things. Screw the things. Protect your sanity, your future, your kid's well-being. You can replace the things.

I believe men can change.

It happened for me - One day he decided to go and get some help.
He had ups and down but never went back to the way he was.

When it got to 18 months - I stopped worrying about it and it hasn't happened since.

He showed a real willingness to change and did it. I guess that was the key for me.

I had my issues too and started to face up to them. Had we both not dealt with out demons it would have never been a positive outcome.

You don’t want to remove your child from this, I get that. My mother didn’t want to ruin my education by leaving while I was still at school. That was despite me hearing the abuse, and later witnessing it as it escalated.

She did leave eventually, when I was 16.

The real result of her using my education as an excuse for her inertia is that my father is in an unmarked grave and I don’t know when, or how my mother died. I could find out, the information isn’t secret. I could also sort a headstone for my father’s grave. but it’s not important to me. He’s gone, she’s gone and I am free.

Is that what you want your child to telling people when they are an adult?

No

They bullshit, they make you think they will they absolutely won’t. Don’t fall for it, if you’ve escaped stay free

From what I've read and heard NO.

Do yourself a favour and run for the hills. Nobody should have to live with this shit.You deserve better.

Read “the gift of fear” by gavin de Becker and “why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft

They made me realise that although I was promised “permanent changes” all I was getting was lip service

I’m now living by with my children in my own house away from my ex. It’s been a painful couple of years but it’s now slowly getting better not that we are out of the toxic environment we were in

Good luck