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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is change possible? - Domestic Violence/Emotional Abuse

81 replies

SanitysSake · 03/12/2017 21:13

Dear All,

Not wanting to trigger anyone.. I have a question re: the above.

Do you think it's possible for a partner to change after they have been violent and/or emotionally abusive?

If so, how did they do it?

Would greatly appreciate your opinions x

OP posts:
Smellyoulateralligater · 03/12/2017 22:56

Sanity. That sounds exactly like the situation I was in. I was never really hurt. It was drink fuelled. I wasn’t scared of him.

But last week it happened again. And I was hurt. I was lucky, I had somewhere to go that night. But walk away. Please.

bluescreen · 03/12/2017 22:58

I have no experience of this, so please feel free to discount my comment. But this bit seems key: All incidents have been drink fuelled. Not that it excuses his behaviour and he's not an alcoholic as such

There are people on here who will tell you that an alcoholic isn't someone who drinks every day but someone who doesn't know when to stop. It seems that he needs to address his drinking. And stop.

Whether that will sort whatever abuse you're suffering is another matter, but how can a solution start unless he deals with his drinking? And if he's not willing to deal with that...

LineysRunner · 03/12/2017 23:00

You can't go to couples counselling with him.

Just no.

PerfectlyDone · 03/12/2017 23:02

To answer your original question: NO.

Do not get joint counselling.

Get counselling for yourself, without him.

Keep safe Thanks

Regularsizedrudy · 03/12/2017 23:02

Plenty of people get drunk and don't abuse people. The abuse is not happening because he is drunk, rather he is drinking because he is abusive. He never was the man you married, that was an illusion. It hurts like hell but these men don't change. They push and push and push until they have destroyed everything. Don't let that happen to you and your family.

EasyToEatTiger · 03/12/2017 23:03

Alcohol is an excuse. Sadly I really think you ARE chasing unicorns! I went to marriage counselling for years and years with my husband. Things seemed to get better for a bit. Then they got worse again. Then they got much worse and finally after years of misery we are getting divorced.
Dogs and other animals are not the same.

PerfectlyDone · 03/12/2017 23:04

Alcohol or a damaging back story may be explanations for his behaviour, but not excuses.

Sadly, escalation is likely.

cestlavielife · 03/12/2017 23:06

You can love him all you like but if he is a damger to you you need to leave.
If he seeks helps for his issues his choice.
You can't do that for him.
You can't risk hanging around to be harmed

HappyHedgehog247 · 03/12/2017 23:06

If you're not willing/ready to leave:
Tell him he needs to stop all drinking. Both go sober and stop going to pubs, having booze in the house. Go to cafe, cinema instead etc.

Get counselling for yourself

Work out what your exit strategy would be in worst case scenario

If you're scared he knows that women's aid called then I am scared for you

merville · 03/12/2017 23:59

Does the drink give him the excuse/permission to act out and do what he wants to do - is the question that comes to my mind.

PerfectlyDone · 04/12/2017 00:01

You cannot change his behaviour, only your response to his behaviour.

I am sure you will do everything you are currently able to to keep yourself safe Thanks

Darcychu · 04/12/2017 00:06

They dont change. Why would they? They like the control, nothing can be done about that .. they may change for a little while but they will normally always revert back.

People say its not so easy to leave but as someone who has been through it .. yes it really was easy after i gathered the courage to run and never look back. Now im pregnant with my 1st child and a lovely fiance who i love dearly.

Ecclesiastes · 04/12/2017 05:01

If you're so scared of him that you're 'almost losing bowel control' when women's aid ring, I'd say your marriage is pretty much dead and buried.

What you feel for him isn't love. And what he feels for you certainly isn't.

Hayleynwl · 04/12/2017 05:24

You'll do fine on your own fear is the only thing holding you back from enjoying a life you are meant to live for you. Be brave, be strong and don't look back xxxx

Original poster
SanitysSake · 04/12/2017 10:14

I am not scared of him. When he's sober or when he's not. Not that this is a tactic that anyone would advise, I'm sure, but on a couple of occasions, I matched his push with a push. I matched his disgruntled backward kick in the bed, with a kick with far greater purpose. It deeply shocked him. To the point where he actually had the audacity to say that I'd gone too far...

I am fearful to leave. I have spent all the proceeds of the house I sold on building a life for us. If I leave, I'd be doing it with the clothes on my back. But.. more than this.. I want him to sort himself out and drop the alcohol and to at least attempt to be a better man than the stressed out one he has become. Because, I do love him.

I know, probably cloud-cuckoo land, but I at least have to give our marriage the best I can and go from there.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 04/12/2017 10:21

When you. Org getting violent it s time to split.
Sure it s a kick or.push now... but can easily become something which leaves a serious injury even by accident.

You cannot play about with this

cestlavielife · 04/12/2017 10:23

You want him to do xxx or you
But you can want all.ypu like
If he doesn't want to he won't
Only he can choose to do or. Not.
Maybe you need to do something e.g. leaving to force the issue

cestlavielife · 04/12/2017 10:24

Do you have dc?

Original poster
SanitysSake · 04/12/2017 11:15

Yes, one.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 04/12/2017 11:25

So one day dc gets caught in the cross fire... spliit then address the issues separately. This isn t a good environment for dc.
It s hard to realize til.you get out.. But it is something you need to do
If he addresses the issues..wwll you can reconsider later. But now things are going to blow up. Don't put your dc at risk. Take action.

cestlavielife · 04/12/2017 11:26

Giving your marriage the best may mean doing that from a safe distance.
Protect your dc

MorrisZapp · 04/12/2017 11:34

If he's hot any shred of human decency you could leave him amicably, split your assets, and receive whatever child maintenance etc the law requires.

If however you can only leave him with the clothes on your back then he is a disgusting person and a truly shit father. No decent father would let their child suffer because of their own relationship breakdown.

There is another way. Prepare a reasonable split then action it. Keep your clothes and your assets.

CakesRUs · 04/12/2017 11:35

I think the ending will be the same, you'll end up leaving. How much more you suffer, to get to that point, is up to you. It's in your control to leave and not waste years, decades, on an abusive relationship. You only live once, do you really want it to be like this?

CakesRUs · 04/12/2017 11:36

Ps. You deserve better.

Bluntness100 · 04/12/2017 11:43

“ but I love him”

The battle cry of abused women everywhere according to the police.

Op, please listen to yourself the beautiful, intelligent man I married who is so tortured . Life isn’t a poem, you’re married to a drunken violent man. And you are either that guy or you’re not. He is that guy,

If you are not willing to walk away, then I’m not sure what anyone can do to help you other than to advise you to think strongly about that.

What is it a senior police officer told me who worked in domestic violence “ we burn thousands of man hours, then the woman says “but I love him” and these women are barely human any more”.

Don’t let that be you.