Fed up of this life- never imagined this would be my life

[Shadowboy]

I’m not even sure why I’m writing this, but I guess with a lack of real friends mumsnet is the only way to talk things through.

I really don’t enjoy my life. Some days I just want to cry about how far it from my plans and dreams.

I have done the whole married, kids, mortgage thing and I utterly hate it. I dread weekends for their monotony. It’s basicallt wake up. Take kids to clubs - wait for them. Go home put baby down for nap. Cook, clean, feed, clean, bed time routine and repeat.

I’ve given up my hobby as I don’t have time. I haven’t seen my best friend since she was a bridesmaid for me 5 years ago. Im skint because of childcare at £14k a year. Im too tired to do my job properly.

I hate my house because of my neighbours and how far away it is from friends.

We never go on holiday (other than to visit grandparents so the kids get to see them) so it’s the same views every week.

I’m beginning to resent my husband because it was him who wanted kids - I wasn’t sure- had never been around anyone who had kids- so I didn’t know what it meant to have them.

Is this really what life is about?

What about seeing if a local teen would like to ride the horse then watch the kids while you take your turn?

It's not a dream house if you are miserable partly due to its location.

And there may well be another dream house for you that is in a better location.

Having horses and poultry sounds fab but it must be costing a lot. Especially for horses you don't actually ride!

I get that the horses are part of your pre children life but I don't see there is much point in having them if you are not riding them and enjoying them.

You need an honest conversation with your DH. Take a sheet of paper and write down all the good things at the moment and all the things that make you unhappy. And together try and figure out how you can rebalance the list.

So many similarities between you and I.

Firstly, are the extra hours your dh is doing paid? Mine was working stupid hours that wasn’t paid for. I laid it on the line and said it should stop as he was ruined my our relationship. He said he was doing it to get ahead in his career but when I asked him what his colleagues worked he realised they weren’t doing anything like what he was but then said it’d make more work to work less as things would go wrong and take longer and more stress to fix. I told him he was a shit manager if he hadn’t trained his staff to do their jobs properly and couldn’t delegate! Things changed. He only works paid overtime when he wants to now rather than feeling obligated. He career hasn’t suffered as nobody appreciated the unpaid work he did anyway. What a waste!

As far as the horses go, there’s loads you can do without riding. Practice le trec, in hand lateral, long reining, lunging, in hand walks, poles, clicker training...just enjoy being with them and pampering them too. In these early days you’d not want to be doing more than 20 min sessions anyway.

I wonder if you’ve got yourself into a cycle of thinking you can’t do things rather than instead thinking about what you can do and doing that.

Totally agree about the horses, if you don’t ride the, they are costing a lot of money and time which you don’t have, could someone help look after them for you ?

We all make choices in life, yes I regret some of my choices but I certainly wouldn't be trying to cope with chickens and dogs if I wasn't happy . Obviously you love your horses but why not just organise more time to be with them; make the day that your DH is home at the weekends YOUR time - sod 'family time' you need to do things for yourself otherwise you will end up as a martyr.

I think many of these things are easily fixable once OP makes the decision to do so.

Can't you swap one horse for a pony and get your kids involved and teach them to ride when they're a little bigger?
I agree that your DH needs to step up; if your working at home every evening you are also doing 12 hour days.. Is he actually working for 12 hours or is it easier for him to stay late at work to avoid stuff at home?
It's not good to be going to bed at different times every night either. My DP naturally goes to bed later than me but we've agreed to go to bed together at least 3 times a week, for sex, cuddles, chit chats whatever. I start to feel very disconnected from him if we never go to bed together.
It does get easier.
If nothing else works consider moving, dream house or no.

Cripes. You have dogs, horses, poultry, 3 young kids, a big house in the country with a big garden and you both work FT. Yet you complain about having no money or time, being isolated and never seeing your best friend. Almost anyone in your position would be overstretched, and most people wouldn't dream of taking on those kinds of costs and commitments all at once unless they were Bill Gates.

If your best friend hasn't visited you in 5 years she's probably not that good a friend. But if you want to be less isolated, move closer to town. A smaller house & garden will cost much less to run and will take less work. If you want spare money and time, sell the poultry and horses and rehome at least one of the dogs. You simply can't have everything at once.

This is going to sound harsh, but you honestly sound like you need a wake-up call. You have CHOSEN this life. You have made a decision: live a shit life in a dream home, rather than living a great life in a more normal home. Honestly, in those circumstances an "enviable" house from the outside is a prison from the inside.

You can change this. Downsize your house and your life, and have more spare income to do nice things. Prioritise time over status and money and your quality of life should improve.

What are the clubs? Are they vastly different to horse riding? I just don’t understand why clubs are necessary when you have outdoor space and HORSES!!! if that was us, we’d be outside all the time.

Would you like a complete change?
You could sell everything and move into town. You've done one kind of life - very successfully by the sound of it - maybe you now need another kind of life. Why not make a radical change? Town life would give you a lot more free time and would be a lot more social for you and your children.

I agree with others your dh needs to step up. My dh works long hours but 1 night a week he finishes early (he can work as late as he likes the other days), collects the kids from after school club (mine are a bit older), feeds them, takes them to any activities etc and puts them to bed. I work late until about 7 (gives me some flexibility for the rest of the week) and then I have the evening free for hobbies friends etc..

Thé baby years are groundhog day, your life and home sound lovely but you need a break to appreciate them. Once a week early finish will not kill your husbands career but it may well save your marriage.

You need to start by talking to your husband. I was like you about 5 years ago. My husband was shocked when i told him how unhappy i was as of course his life career etc was all lovely as it was being facilirated by me at my expense. It's taken a long time and while things are not perfect we have changed a lot and the kids have grown and life is much better.

I agree - talk to your husband first. "I need to have half a day a week that is time for me. How can we accomplish that?"

If the kids have clubs on a saturday/sunday morning, can he do the drop off/pick up for one day of those? Or could you do drop off and then go and do your riding etc and leave him to do the pickup and mind them for an hour or two afterwards?

It's not a dream house if you are miserable partly due to its location.

And there may well be another dream house for you that is in a better location.

Having horses and poultry sounds fab but it must be costing a lot. Especially for horses you don't actually ride!

Quite.

It’s a ‘dream house’ in the abstract. On paper. The reality is a bit of a nightmare so acknowledge that and change your life.

Swap in the horses and chickens for summer holidays. Swap in the house for something nearer your friends.

There's no way on earth I’d tell you to sell the horses and make the sacrifices. Horses are a passion and why the hell should you give up the one thing that makes you who you are in favour of facilitating everyone else. Horses don’t cost much if they are kept at home, if I take out my livery the cats and chickens cost us more!

Make your horses better value (if you want to see it that way) by doing more with them. They are great therapy too if you can get your head away from comparing what you’ll be doing with them now to that which you always used to do.

Op I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. Its difficult to write this far less ever really speak about it irl but I have found motherhood incredibly hard. Its taken everything I have in me to bring up my two and left me with very little for myself. Mine are older now and I found the early years very, very difficult the me I knew before was demolished and all that was left was a "mum". People say it gets better and it does get easier in that you adapt to your new normal, your new self in time but while that new life was enriched by my kids in some respects it was more or less obliterated in all other aspects. I have a good husband, who has always mucked in with the kids and housework but our relationship is nothing like it was. I always felt having kids would bring us close together, bond us in a deep way but in many ways it felt more like we were hard working colleagues pooling our time and resources to raise our kids as best we could. That real deep intimacy feel to me now like a luxury of the pre-child years I hope we can get it back one day but even in their 20's the kids show no sign of moving out and I can't really blame them.

Raising kids takes so much more from you than you can ever understand before you do it and I truly believe many would not do it if they realised just what it was like. I love my kids dearly, and most of the time I just don't let myself think about it but when I do I feel very sad abotu how my life has been and regret at times. I can't bring myself to wish my lovely children away but if I had known I might not have done it.

If I can pass on anything it would be to fight tooth and nail to hold on to some part of yourself while you have young kids.

On lunch break so will be brief, however I am grateful for the responses/ it’s good to help gain a sense of perspective.

Regarding the horses they are not expensive per se as they live out at grass mostly on 6 acres. The poultry also just need releasing to free roam then a weekly clean out. The kids love egg collecting so I don’t want to remove that from them. Funnily enough the kids have no interest in the horses at all. Also, if I was to encourage them the baby would be with me (13months old- not walking) and I’m not sure it’s entirely safe.

I guess I just need to resign myself to the fact that the house is wrong for this stage in our lives despite it being technically a family home.

Regarding the additional hours - annoyingly the government changes to the curriculum means all the old stuff I taught is no longer of use so it’s been a mad two years trying to get a full set of lessons created. My husband doesn’t get paid for extra hours but he believes it will pay off as it will equate a pay rise and therefore we won’t be skint. We did chat last night but I got upset and my eldest came in so my OH took her off so she didn’t get worried.

I am really contemplating your comments- so thank you!

Hi, I hear you sister. Loads of good advice given. Perhaps before you can make more fundamental changes, you just need a weekend off. Get away to a friend's house (preferably a friend without kids) and go watch Bad Moms (it's crap, but it is liberating crap). Tell husband that he has to look after the kids for the weekend while you do it (if you had to go to hospital, he'd have to work out how to cope without you, so there's no excuse for not letting you go). When you're away, perhaps on train journey, you can spend a while imagining how you can make life better. x

There are several things that you say don't cost 'much' time or money, but have you tried adding up what they do cost?

Horses - there must be some costs surely, with feed, supplements, bedding for their stable when they are in?

Dogs - food, vet, worming

Poultry - worming, food,

If you spend £50 per week on animals and clubs, there is your summer holiday.

Plus the cumulative effect of these extra 'jobs' - you sound really mentally tired and I am surprised that you manage it on top of being a full time teacher.

DH work. Yes, he might need to put in some extra hours to get promotion, but does he need to do that much? It goes back to the question of choice.

I don't mean this in a nasty way but don't be sucked into being a martyr as you have disagreed with every suggestion put forward. Sometimes you have to say no and mean it. Your life may be picture perfect from the outside but it's clearing making you unhappy and rather lonely.

My advice would be.

1. stop the clubs at the weekend - go on long dog walks with the kids instead. Exploring and nature trails, picnics etc. Baby in a carrier (sorry not sure how old other DC are!)
2. move. I get where you are coming from about your dream home. It sounds like my dream home too! But not with little children and feeling so isolated. We live in an Essex town, normal semi detached house with a normal garden, and have always kept chickens (and dogs, and cats!)
3. with the money saved from clubs etc, get a cleaner. Best thing I have done - time is so precious, and it takes some of the pressure off.
4. no idea about the horses....sorry!

Wannabe stress free I guess it’s because it’s hard giving up animals you love- no matter how hard they make your life- they are part of my life and have been since before this children were here. I feel awful for shunning them because they are hard work. Yes they do cost money - the chickens and turkeys actually make money the horses cost a massive amount on our mortgage- I’d say £300 more per month than if this house didn’t have land?

I’m re-thinking clubs - one does ballet every sat morning and the other swimming sat afternoon. I would consider renting out the land and selling the horses as this would bring in an income - probably would cover the cost that it adds to the mortgage.

I don't suggest you should make more sacrifices than your DH or anyone else. Just that horses and a big house are a very tough commitment for anyone. In your case you say they're effectively costing you at least £300 per month because you could rent out the land otherwise. My guess is that it's actually more, plus time mucking out. So unless you are really passionate about them I'd rehome them somewhere else.

This is a tough one. Giving up your horses will hit hard especially as they were such a big part of your life pre children. Chickens although easier are also a tie making sure they’ve got layers pellets, corn, water and are as safe from foxes as you can make them. They give lovely eggs and are sweet to have around BUT don’t replace them as they drop off their perch - not yet anyway. If this could still be your dream family home as the children grow up then I’d hang in there tbh. These sodding tough years of young children do pass (surprisingly quickly although doesn’t feel like it when you’re living it does it). I don’t know what the answer is especially as your DH loves where you are as well. Yes to the posters who said take some time to yourself to do something with the horses even just grooming sessions and carrot stretches. Just something for you to remind yourself how much you loved being around them, as it’s so easy to take it for granted when they’re at home in a field.

You have had great feedback.

I agree Saturdays - ditch the classes while the kids are small and you have so little spare time, especially in the winter without much natural light. Get outside with the kids instead, it will help you feel better. Can you invite other parents along for a country walk and stop at a pub or cheap picnic you take with you?

Agree that with the money you save use for cleaner and/or babysitter.

The kids have no interest in the horses as they have never seen you ride and don't realise there is fun to be had from owning them.

Remember you are their role model - do you want your kids to think mum has no fun, no friends, no interests and never does anything for herself.

Your DH should not be putting in all these (unnecessary) extra hours when the kids are so small and you are isolated, you need more balance.

Can you get a teen to be with the kids while you train/ride the horses?

You sound like you are depressed and the reason is you have NO STRESS RELIEF in your life. You and DH together need to find solutions.