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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fed up of this life- never imagined this would be my life

83 replies

Shadowboy · 03/12/2017 14:29

I’m not even sure why I’m writing this, but I guess with a lack of real friends mumsnet is the only way to talk things through.

I really don’t enjoy my life. Some days I just want to cry about how far it from my plans and dreams.

I have done the whole married, kids, mortgage thing and I utterly hate it. I dread weekends for their monotony. It’s basicallt wake up. Take kids to clubs - wait for them. Go home put baby down for nap. Cook, clean, feed, clean, bed time routine and repeat.

I’ve given up my hobby as I don’t have time. I haven’t seen my best friend since she was a bridesmaid for me 5 years ago. Im skint because of childcare at £14k a year. Im too tired to do my job properly.

I hate my house because of my neighbours and how far away it is from friends.

We never go on holiday (other than to visit grandparents so the kids get to see them) so it’s the same views every week.

I’m beginning to resent my husband because it was him who wanted kids - I wasn’t sure- had never been around anyone who had kids- so I didn’t know what it meant to have them.

Is this really what life is about?

OP posts:
topcat2014 · 03/12/2017 18:52

I would stop working in the evening. You can bet your life that if your employer (god forbid) was looking to make people redundant they wouldn't even be aware of who was putting in 'extra' hours bitter experience.

Limit clubs to ones that you can drop at and return home during.
Nothing worse than spending your time in some cafe on wifi.

ChickenMom · 03/12/2017 19:02

Move closer to family who can help you reduce childcare costs. It’s got to be worth it if you are feeling this depressed. Then join a gym and go a couple of times a week in the evenings. Leave your DH to do bedtime. Drop the clubs. Unless they are bidding olympiads it’s not needed if it’s ruining and running your life. Drive to grandparents on a Saturday morning, leave kids with them for the day and night and go shopping/to a spa/to the movies/to your best mates house and get drunk. Plus remember that as soon as kids start school those childcare costs go. Everything right now is a phase. My kids are now 7 and 5 and they’ve just taken themselves upstairs to clean their teeth and we spent some of today watching movies...it does get easier. Babies are tough going. Just do what you need to do to get some you time. Plus when you move to be near grandparents, spend some of that saved childcare cost on a cleaner once a week for a couple of hours.

ChickenMom · 03/12/2017 19:07

ps...dream home isn’t a dream home if you are this miserable! Sell up. Make a house compromise to get a decent life then rethink buying another dream house in approx 10 years time when the kids are fairly self sufficient and you’ve got tonnes of friends who will come visit.

Babybooboohead · 03/12/2017 19:10

Write down everything you are thankful for in your life in a list and save it on your desktop / fridge/ phone and READ it everyday. Make a point of making things happen for you, you and your husband or whatever. Do one thing a month:

I.e. Dinner in nice restaurant with husband, lunch date with a friend, open a holiday savings account, attend a yoga class, get a pedicure, facial, buy a tent, ride the horse, etc etc

Please remember all the beautiful things in your life and focus on a few things that YOU want.

We all feel like this at times xx

Addictedtothisbloodyforum · 03/12/2017 19:11

Your horses will be fine to ride again and will not need re broken. Many horses have years off and come back into work no problem x

Assburgers · 03/12/2017 19:20

Could you cancel the clubs, use the money to get someone to look after them for a couple of hours, use that time to ride the horses? (I have no idea if that is enough time to ride horses)

Babybauble · 03/12/2017 19:22

Nursery fees will eventually end, can you loan out some of your land/stables in the mean time to bring in some income? Instead of nursery fees could you hire someone, they could also watch the children an hour a few times a week so you can ride your horses? Instead of visiting your family could you visit your best friend? Ask your DH once a month to watch the DC so you can travel to meet your friend.

category12 · 03/12/2017 19:35

You really wouldn't need to send your horses to a pro, just take it slowly and bring them on yourself. It's sad that they're being wasted not doing anything, probably costing you lots and you've given up on something you enjoy. You need to carve out the time for them or find someone experienced to loan them to or ride/help out with them.

Msqueen33 · 03/12/2017 19:44

I woke up this morning feeling like I hated my life. I’m bored. I have 3 kids between 9 and 4.5 but two have autism. I’m stuck being a sahm as my youngest isn’t allowed into school for more than 2 hours a day. I’m tired of cooking and cleaning all the time, telling the kids off. I just want to stop the clock for a while to just be free for a bit.

You need to talk to your dh and work out what you want and have him help you achieve it. It’s hard when kids come along as they tend to come first.

Greyhorses · 03/12/2017 20:10

You can make this better honestly.

I have a toddler, 2 huge dogs, work, run house and have horses. My DH is also out 12 hours per day 6 days every week so I'm also on my own constantly.

You can make it work, take the kids outside to do the horses, let them run around in the mud while you school or whatever. Take a few hours on a weekend to ride and get back into what you love, I basically dumping child and run and don't return until I am ready Blush

I manage to ride 3-4 times a week and it's honestly the only thing that keeps me sane.

PurpleToeNails · 03/12/2017 20:15

Hi OP, knowing how you want things to be is the first step :) Next is thinking through options and alternatives to help you reach that..
I'm not saying it's going to be quick or simple, but having that vision is a good place to start from.

KERALA1 · 03/12/2017 20:18

If your house is lovely have you considered home exchange? Free holidays. Changed our lives

TatianaLarina · 03/12/2017 20:18

How much are the horses you don’t ride costing you a year to keep?

If you sold them surely that would save some money and you could perhaps find somewhere to ride locally. My sister does a huge amount of riding but doesn’t have her own horse.

TatianaLarina · 03/12/2017 20:19

You do sound quite isolated personally I’d rather be nearer friends and have more variety.

KnitFastDieWarm · 03/12/2017 20:26
  1. cancel clubs unless your kids are utterly brilliant/obsessed with them. Kids little enough to be in childcare don't NEED clubs
  2. join your local meetup.com groups online - I've met some great people this way. Go out there and meet new people, treat it a bit like dating. Prioritise getting out of the house above pretty much everything other than your kids' welfare - YOU MATTER
  3. do whatever you need to do to get riding again
  4. make positive changes - you sound miserable and trapped and while some of that is circumstance, you're the one who needs to choose to change those circumstances

Good luck!

Didiplanthis · 03/12/2017 20:33

No advice just I am where you are and understand how trapped you feel. In the pre child 'dream' house which is rural, isolated and have to drive everywhere but somehow it still 'should' be the dream so it's too hard to walk away. Also OH worked just as hard as me to get it and to keep it and it still is his dream so I don't feel I can take it away from him. But no this isn't the life I planned either.

Time40 · 04/12/2017 01:34

For those who said start riding again - the horses would need to be sent to a pro to re-start as they (and I ) have had such a long break but we are too skint to do it.

I've got a friend in this situation, and she's moving towards getting back to riding by working with her horses without actually riding them yet.

C'mon OP - you can make this situation better! Take charge and create some time for yourself and the things that are important to you.

TamsinInBed · 04/12/2017 03:27

Babybooboohead that is excellent advice, totally agree

gingergenius · 04/12/2017 03:51

How the fuck are you spending £1300 a month on childcare? Yet you still have no time??

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/12/2017 04:08

ginger
Op lives abroad. How do we know how much that costs? And it doesn’t sound easy to leave the kids in childcare, go home then go out and pick them up due to her remote location.

If you can’t do what you want, I’d move and rent and rent your property out. Go to a riding school for fun and loan out your horses. That way you can see how you feel and have the option to return when the kids are older.

bananamilktasteslikemonkeysick · 04/12/2017 04:15

She's a teacher, 'genius'. If you work ft, that's how much having kids in nursery costs. So she's working ft with everyone else's kids, having dropped hers off at nursery, picks hers up on her way home, does the dinner bath bed thing, then does her planning and prep when the kids are in bed, rinse and repeat. Whoever said 'don't do any work at home' obv doesn't have children in school, or (weirdly for mn) doesn't care if marking gets done, and doesn't really care if lessons are planned or not. No contact time only goes so far. At weekends one day she drives back into town to take the kids to their clubs while dh is at work.

Op, it sounds utterly soulless, but not too far off what everyone goes through when working ft with little ones. I will say that I know a lot of teachers who grind through until their kids hit school, and then leave teaching, because after-school clubs and child-minders are even more of a balls-ache than ft nursery (albeit cheaper). They are all shocked, because they assumed school would be easier. But it isn't.

I think the key to getting through the early years lies with your dh if you don't want to give up teaching. He needs to find a way to realise that with a young family, he needs to step up on the parenting, in time terms. As a pair, you need to work out what is important to you. If maintaining your current income and living where you do is a priority, then you might have to accept that it's pretty shit.

Fwiw, when my dh was working these sorts of hours and I had little ones, I had a teenager come in for an hour every night when I got in from work, so I could leave. I know you said you can't run, but that hour could be used exercising the horses. If you are finding all the livestock a chore at the moment, I would consider lightening that load for four or five years until the kids are old enough to carry out chores independently.

Or Jack it all in, realise that life with small children is absolutely Groundhog Day but at some point you do escape out of the other end, lease your house for a few years, and rent an apartment in town and try out a different life with less of a knackering commute for every single aspect of your life.

And reconsider your career.

daisychain01 · 04/12/2017 04:15

My ideal would be to have a bit of cash spare each month so that we can save for a holiday every summer

What's the point of a 2 week holiday when the other 50 weeks of the year you are unhappy and have no time for you? Please please rethink your priorities. Go for things that increase your personal wellbeing on a daily basis like

  • walk or cycle every day. This is low impact (due to your injury) but being out doors lifts the spirit and natural daylight increases Vitamin D this time of year. It's free. 30 mins a day is all it takes.
  • instead of a holiday, invest your money in a cleaner. It's a life enhancer to have someone come in and share the load of hoovering, dusting and kitchen/bathroom cleaning. If you split it into 2 x 2 hours a week for the next year you are paying as you go and it's a far better investment than being on a beach, believe me!
daisychain01 · 04/12/2017 04:18

Animals are lovely but they are yet another drain on your personal resource. You're having to do all that daily cleaning to get rid of pet hairs, that's madness.

SmokeintheR00m · 04/12/2017 04:30

This is just a suggestion, if you havent got time to ride the horses, find someone who will ride them. If I lived near I would ride them for free or even pay to ride them. Or find several people who will ride them. At least you would have some extra people company around too. Obviously you would need to do the checks and inform them of their responsibilities. It seems you do have the dream house. Some people also like grooming horses, but not riding. You have a resource that you could share with young and older people. I realise that you may not want to do this, but you could try it and see how it goes. You could have someone walk or lunge the horses (not ride) for a while,?

gingergenius · 04/12/2017 04:33

@bananamilktasteslikemonkeysick thanks - must have missed the info about OP's job. Not sure why you've used '' around my name but thanks for the heads up. My bad