To have told them to fuck off?

[CurlyRover]

Parents and I have a very difficult relationship. Growing up I was thrown out from the age of 13 on a regular basis -
sometimes quite literally, regularly hit, sworn at and made to feel like utter shit .

Since moving out over 10 (probably approaching 15 now) years ago things improved as long as I didn't spend long in their presence. There's no such thing as a discussion - it's their way or expect an argument even about the most trivial of things.

Of course, everything was is always my fault and if I just apologised / agreed / wasn't so argumentative/ fucked up in the first place we'd be totally fine.

A few months ago we got into an argument. I was going through a really rough time physical health wise and they were incredibly unsupportive and made me feel even worse about myself at a time when I really needed support. A day after the unsupportive comments we got into an argument. I was trying to get ready to go to the airport and they just kept calling and calling me. I kept cutting them off as I needed to get ready and didn't want an argument but they just kept calling back. Then when I did answer I got an earful of abuse so I told them to fuck off and hung up the phone.

I haven't heard from them since. Of course it's all my fault and they are now refusing to speak to me since I said fuck off.

Part of me is thinking it's quite nice as we won't have to come up with an excuse about why we can't see them Christmas day. Another part of me feels it's really rubbish.

Long story short anyway, WIBU to have told them to fuck off in this situation?

Also WIBU to just send them a Christmas card through the post with some money in?

I think they have decided to go no contact, I suggest you do the same. 💐

Why are you sending them money? Why do you feel the need to be in contact with them?

What positives do they bring to your life?

How have you felt recently with no contact?

Maybe a card, but why put money in it? You clearly have no common ground with them, they have taken you at your work and f’d off. I think I’d leave it completely alone.

Tricky. Yes it is generally unacceptable to tell someone to fuck off. Then again they were harassing you via the telephone.
They are very stunted if that is their arguing style. You could learn to manage them more. Once they start to shout tell them you are stopping the conversation for x time because of that so everyone can calm down. This might mean unplugging or switching off a phone.
I think you should remain nc but I am someone who does not feel parents should just get a free pass. They sound like they were never interested in developing an relationship with you as an adult. It's sad but perhaps they don't deserve one.

Why are you sending them money? Why do you feel the need to be in contact with them?

I guess I feel bad about not giving them anything.

How have you felt recently with no contact?

^ rubbish tbh. I think in the past though I've always apologised to keep the peace and because I've always needed somewhere to stay or some help in some format. But as my DP has said, for the first time in my life I don't actually need^ support or anything from them and I'm done apologising for the sake of it.

Oops italic fail...

Sounds like your life, health and mental wellbeing would improve without them in your life. Stop allowing them to be so abusive A just live your own life the way that suits you best.

You were not unreasonable. For your health and well-being I would go non contact.

As someone who’s been there, stay NC

Cut these people out of your life before they ruin it any further.

You deserve better people around you.

Fuck off is the least of what they deserve!

to you Curly

Leave it all alone and enjoy a peaceful Christmas without them. I don't think you need to send them anything.

Long story short anyway, WIBU to have told them to fuck off in this situation?

No.

Also WIBU to just send them a Christmas card through the post with some money in?

God, yes. Just don't send anything and don't contact them.

they actually TAKE the money whilst treating you like SHIT

walk away and keep walking

Sounds just like my parents, especially my father. A few years, I lost it with him over something that I really needed his support over. He disappeared for several weeks when he KNEW I really needed him, then a couple of weeks before christmas, when he heard I'd saved a close relative from a suicide attempt, out of the blue he sent me a horrid text saying "heard about so-&-so trying to top herself, selfish woman! Anyway, what do you want for christmas. Max spend £50".

I told him to fuck off. I was so hurt I uncharacteristically swore at him. Years of hurt and anger had built up and its all I could say to him

He's not spoken to me, or tried to contact me, for 16 years now because I dared to have the audacity to use a swear word at him. Apparently my "filthy disrespectful mouth" was perfectly reasonable grounds to disown me forever.

Quite truthfully, he did me a favour. He brought nothing to my life but criticism and a lifelong inferiority complex, anxiety issues and low self esteem. If he'd stayed in my life constantly being vile I think I'd have had a breakdown by now.

Blood isn't always thicker than water. You don't have to put up with bullying just because you share DNA.

I wish I'd told him to fuck off long before I actually did.

And no, don't send them any bloody money!

I think you should come over to the relationships board.

do not apologise for telling people who abused your your entire life to FUCK OFF .. like EVER...

Yes take this to the Relationships board, they're brilliantly supportive.

The 'blood thicker than water' comment above reminded me, someone told me it's always misunderstood, in fact it means almost the opposite. From a quick google:

The quote comes from: “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” This actually means that blood shed in battle bonds soldiers more strongly than simple genetics. Although we commonly use it to suggest the strength of family ties, it doesn't refer to family at all.

Don't contact them op and don't give them any money.

Sounds to me like fuck off is exactly the right response to years of abusive behaviour op.
As your dh says, you don't need then anymore.
Spend some time thinking about what you want and need in your life. Just simple things like how to spend your time, who you want to be with.
Being brought up by toxic people stops you from finding out who you are, because you are always too busy dancing to their tune to take any notice of your own wants and needs.
I think of it as the part of my life when I put myself back together.

Good luck with it op, it might help to talk it through with a counsellor , or a trusted friend, but whatever you do put some time side for you, and start daring to believe that your wants and needs are important.

sounds like a win to me.

i know one is supposed to get on with family, and all that but yours are not great are they? sounds like you are better off without them.

dan savage has this phrase, your "logical family", as opposed to your biological family - he usually means when people's family reject them when they come out, they find another community of close friends, partners, friend's or partners' parents and siblings another community that can provide love and support who form the "logical family".

You can find those people. your parents are not acting like your true family.