To have told them to fuck off?

[CurlyRover]

Parents and I have a very difficult relationship. Growing up I was thrown out from the age of 13 on a regular basis -
sometimes quite literally, regularly hit, sworn at and made to feel like utter shit .

Since moving out over 10 (probably approaching 15 now) years ago things improved as long as I didn't spend long in their presence. There's no such thing as a discussion - it's their way or expect an argument even about the most trivial of things.

Of course, everything was is always my fault and if I just apologised / agreed / wasn't so argumentative/ fucked up in the first place we'd be totally fine.

A few months ago we got into an argument. I was going through a really rough time physical health wise and they were incredibly unsupportive and made me feel even worse about myself at a time when I really needed support. A day after the unsupportive comments we got into an argument. I was trying to get ready to go to the airport and they just kept calling and calling me. I kept cutting them off as I needed to get ready and didn't want an argument but they just kept calling back. Then when I did answer I got an earful of abuse so I told them to fuck off and hung up the phone.

I haven't heard from them since. Of course it's all my fault and they are now refusing to speak to me since I said fuck off.

Part of me is thinking it's quite nice as we won't have to come up with an excuse about why we can't see them Christmas day. Another part of me feels it's really rubbish.

Long story short anyway, WIBU to have told them to fuck off in this situation?

Also WIBU to just send them a Christmas card through the post with some money in?

Your DP is quite right - you don't need them. Carry on being NC and have a lovely Christmas without all their crap.

Don't send a card and don't send any money. You won't get any better thought of. Treat yourself instead. Buy some perfume/ wine/ champagne/spa treatments /flowers/chocs /all of them - whatever takes your fancy. [

Thank you all. You're all so lovely.

Had a few comments from work colleagues about it as it's come up in discussion re Christmas plans and all have said "life is too short" so we should "kiss and make up as you never know what's around the corner"

Sorry to those who have been here. It's horrible isn't it

There are far worse things than telling someone to fuck off. Don't be fooled into believing you did something really dreadful. You didn't. They sound far more abusive to me.

Bottom line: a loving parent could easily forgive this and move on.

(Have a look at the Fuckit Way - it might help to free you up on your use of the word.)

Saying fuck off is absolutely nothing compared with how they have treated you. They deserve nothing from you at all. Not money, not respect, not company.

You owe your parents nothing. They are child abusers. Hitting children, throwing them out, the emotional abuse they have put you threw is ABUSE. if i were you i would cut all contact. Live your life free of those abusers.

From someone who had a similar upbringing to you, I can’t stress how liberating it is to never speak to them again! I haven’t spoken to my mother in 5 years now and it’s fantastic. It’s tough at first but once a few months have passed you realise that you never needed them anyway.

The self doubt is hard OP. Comes with the territory of having your self esteem eradicated by the very people who should have built it up .

A 'Fuck Off' was the least they deserved.

The thing is op, you do know what's around the corner if you get in touch.

They'll think they have "won" and will continue to treat you terribly because you have offered an olive branch.

The money you were thinking of sending?
Put it in a bank account, top it up regularly and book some counselling.

Yeah, OP around the corner is more abuse.

Do they feel bad about treating you like shit. No, I bet they dont.

So why feel bad for releasing years of pent up anger towards them. Fuck off was the polite way.

Send a card and tell them to fuck off again just in case they weren't sure the first time.

Send them a card wishing them 'all the happiness they deserve' and move on.

Life is too short to NOT tell people who make you miserable to fuck off.

Have a look at the "We took you to Stately Homes" thread on here on, and Google FOG Fear/Obligation/Guilt. You really do not need to let this blight your life, Op. Be free and be happy.

The day will come (hopefully soon) when you will realise this is the best thing you have ever done.

I think if you decide to go NC you are perfectly justified and its a horrid situation, but I think from reading your posts that it doesn't feel right for you.

See how you feel nearer the time, there's still a couple of weeks, then maybe send a card with a Christmas bouquet rather than money which can be impersonal. Then leave the ball in their court, its up to them and its their loss if they don't respond.

Good luck. x

OP - beware. I'm sure your workmates comments are well meant (and often followed through to avoid a 'guilt trip'). However you are talking about a lifetime of unacceptable parenting - mental abuse and bullying. It's behaviour that has damaged you.
Be careful about opening the door to this again - I'd forget the card and money.
Of course the choice is yours - you are in control.
(FWIW - I think if your parents were remotely remorseful or reflective they would have been in touch to seek your forgiveness. The fact that they have not speaks volumes.)

I agree with PPs saying that you should definitely consider going NC or low contact with your parents. They have abused you all your life so you really do owe them nothing. So don't let them make you feel like you're in the wrong, you're not.

I suggest sending them a Christmas card to them, but no money and no gift, at the most.

And I also recommend the Stately Homes thread on the relationships board, I've found it really helpful following an abusive childhood.

for you this Christmas

I think if your parents were remotely remorseful or reflective they would have been in touch to seek your forgiveness. The fact that they have not speaks volumes

Thing is they never think they've ever done anything wrong. I'm just the angry, sweary one.

I have a very liberal view of swearing, I work in a place where swearing is common place and most of my friends have a similar view on it. I have been on the receiving end of a fuck off many a time and been the one saying fuck off many times. In most cases the person on the receiving end be that me or others, we're usually the ones apologising as it's quite obvious the line has been crossed.

I feel like this whole thing has been massively blown out of proportion. Like others have said, there are worse things than saying fuck off to someone. I feel pretty hurt and upset that it's been months and I still haven't heard from them

I think ywbu to send a card. I wouldnt bother with that. I went NC with my mum in similar circumstances years ago and have never looked back.

You told them to fuck off? You showed a lot of restraint, I think. Enjoy the peace. Mull it over and consider keeping it as a permanent arrangement. Don't send money. They will think it means it's your fault. It's not.

I agree with taking this to the Relationships board. You can get it moved their by reporting it and asking MNHQ to move it over.

And YWNBU in the least.

I suspect that you are over sharing with your colleagues.

Had a few comments from work colleagues about it as it's come up in discussion re Christmas plans and all have said "life is too short" so we should "kiss and make up as you never know what's around the corner"

I rarely see my mother, my father I see maybe once or twice a year. When people ask what I'm doing for Christmas I don't tell them about my big dysfunctional family!

I say something like "DH and I are going to have a nice quiet Christmas with the children then visit some family on Boxing Day." Or "We're having DH's parents over this year." Or if they ask about my parents: "Oh, my mum is doing something with her sister/ my brother/will be on holiday this year."

Besides, when people ask about your Christmas plans they are mainly making small talk not wanting to hear about your rows! They will like talking about their own plans so you can easily get the conversation back onto them talking about themselves.

I've reported the thread and asked for it to be moved to relationships. Hopefully I've done it right, I've never reported a thread before

Don't send money. They will think it means it's your fault. It's not.

^^ thats a really good point!

RunRabbit I'm not sure it is a case of oversharing tbh. There are only a few people I've mentioned it to and they're people I'm pretty close to and see in social settings too - although those people have a really great relationship with their families so to them it's completely inconceivable that others have a less than perfect family setup. I totally agree with you about most people making small talk.

OP has been in touch to ask us to move this thread to Relationships and we're going to do that shortly.

Thank you Lou It's much appreciated.