Is it emotional manipulation

[isitmee]

I'm very confused and need some advice from knowledgable people.

I'm starting to think my husband has been emotionally manipulating me but he's got into my thoughts so much I feel like I don't know my own mind, even posting here is scaring me in case he sees it.

What is emotional abuse/manipulation?

Is it always bad stuff being said? He doesn't necessarily say bad things to me but tells me he knows what I need to do, think and feel for the best. I could elaborate but don't want to just now.

And get your house back and get control of your finances as soon as you can. Don't let him have hold of you

It is certainly grief - for what I fell into and how I let myself be controlled - it's like I'm grieving for ME!

Yes that's just it Teabay

I cannot believe how much things have changed in this short space of time, this thread and you wonderful people have been like a life line. WA were amazing, he is an abuser just like you all said and loads of other wee things have surfaced in my mind that I'd forgotten all about. I didn't think there was any physical abuse as ha hadn't hit me but has inflicted pain when I've asked him not to, and sexual abuse too, he inflicted pain when I told him it was sore. He also coerced me and manipulated me into having sex when I didn't want to.

I've been ignoring his many phone calls and that has helped too, I feel a knot in my stomach when I see his name come up on my phone

I fact even stuff like shaving! He hated pubic hair and pretty much forced me into shaving all the time, he even offered to do it for me?! What the fuck!

So glad that you are seeing things more clearly now. Stay strong and keep going.

Stay strong op, I'm really glad WA helped you today.

What's the current situation with the house. Are you back n?

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Hope you are ok.

Sorry I haven't updated, this have been so crazy. I'm not back home, I've had to grab some stuff and go somewhere else. Also just had to get the police in, he was shouting and swearing at my mum at her door it's been so horrible

He's starting to show his real true colours now

Very sorry to hear that, and hope you and your family are OK.

Oh God - I hope you are safe, op?

KOKO glad you are at your Mums and well done for calling the police

Yes we are all safe I was just a nervous wreck as was my mum

Glad you are safe and well op. Sorry to hear things have become worse

Glad you are out and safe OP. Stay strong. Keep a record of every time he tries to contact you. Hope he gets the message soon and you can have a nice Christmas with your Mum.

Well done OP.
And so sorry more stuff is coming to the surface.
But you can get some support in place once you are out of the worst of all of this. WA will know counsellors in your area that specialise in abuse and also Rape Crisis could help you as well.
So glad you posted and so glad you got away.

He just a wee update. Things are generally going surprisingly well. Kids love the "holiday house" I've had zero contact with ex, contact being arranged through his parents which at the minute is working.

It's just emotions now for me ☹️ I've realised I think I checked out if the relationship about three years ago and didn't even know. I don't miss him and haven't missed him even when he worked away. But I see photos, hear songs and especially all the xmas stuff that's going around and it's making me feel like I've lost a live or something, I hate it because I don't want him back, I feel sick at the thought of even seeing him but I keep getting reminded of times that I thought were good then it makes me think of how hurt he must be but it's all fucking bull shit, it's got to be??!!!

Thanks for the update , sounds like you and the kids are coping amazingly well.

It’s totally normal to remember the “ good times “ , especially at Christmas . Even though when you begin to analyse it, half of these good times were actually in your head. What I mean is, YOU were working really hard to make things nice and accommodate his cuntishness.

And you were kidding yourself that times were good because you really REALLY wanted it to work and have a happy family for the sake of the kids etc.

I was an expert at this, you are in good company .

And remember that abusers are never abusive all the time, otherwise they would never ensnare a partner. They are nice just enough of they time to keep us hooked. And then we think that if only we could do things right that Great guy we first met would return.

You’re right, it’s bullshit.

so so similar to my situation. Ive been out about 6 weeks now. As with you, the nice didn't last long. He's using the kids to control things. Wanker.

I can so relate to the heart racing. I spent far too long trying to amicably split with him and staying in the same house. I also get a knot in my tummy when he emails or texts. It's nearly always a dig at me. And when he is nice, its always because he wants something.

I can't believe this is the real person. I was also in shock after the first incident of violence. How can the person I thought I knew do this? In front of the kids?

I have a wonderful outreach worker via WA. She is truly lovely. I am amazed and humbled at all the RL help I've been getting from all sorts of people. Look for the good stuff. I'm in awe.

Its still really hard as my DS goes round there, primarily to play the xbox to all hours. He came home to me on Friday and had fallen asleep by 6pm. He's 11 FFS, how can you let a child have free reign like that?

Anyway, well done you OP. Look for the good stuff.

Yes yes yes even though I have a specific memory of our first Christmas, it's one moment as the rest of it was utter hell!!

Has anyone experience also with using lawyers for contact? I was wondering what they might propose as suitable contact time. At the minute they (I say they as really it's his mother who is arranging contact more than likely to suit her) are asking for 24 hours at weekend and a few hours one week night, is this kind of normal?

Thankyou for the update op. I can totally sympathise as I'm going through similar. 6 weeks in and like you all the Christmas songs etc make it hard but it's because we are dreaming of the life we never really had. Part of my issue is the fact we are no longer a proper family and I'm now a single parent. But to be perfectly honest it's so much easier without him here, he would be causing so much emotional upheaval this time of year in particularly in my case anyway.
Contact is tough one, I'm glad you are managing to do this through your mil. That must make it so much easier. I'm having to facilitate it myself at the moment and it is so awkward it really is.