Is it emotional manipulation

[isitmee]

I'm very confused and need some advice from knowledgable people.

I'm starting to think my husband has been emotionally manipulating me but he's got into my thoughts so much I feel like I don't know my own mind, even posting here is scaring me in case he sees it.

What is emotional abuse/manipulation?

Is it always bad stuff being said? He doesn't necessarily say bad things to me but tells me he knows what I need to do, think and feel for the best. I could elaborate but don't want to just now.

Where has he been? Are you ok?

HI Isitme - it's definitely not you!

Very glad to hear you have made an appointment with Women's Aid.

Him crying is just him trying to emotionally blackmail you - another form of control...

Stick to your guns, seek outside help and stay strong.

Hope you are OK this morning.

He was working away but I was sure it was tonight he was due back and it's never so late in the night either, it was very strange! I was dreaming that he pulled into the car park and I panicked in my dream then the next thing I know I was woke up with the sound of the key in door as he couldn't get in because I'd deliberately left my key in. But he didn't even tell me, he just appeared!

Anyway, he slept on the couch and I've been up since half 5 full of anxiety about what was going to happen but I had a chat with a good friend, cleared my head and we amicably split this morning. He did keep trying to go round in circles but I didn't engage, didn't let him in, stayed calm and straight to the point. Unfortunately I'm a fucking push over and so emotional so in a way I'm trying to be nice because I can't handle any more psychological abuse but he seemed to accept it was over and he's looking for somewhere else to live.

I'm swinging from feeling so high that I've taken a step in the right direction then full of fear about what he's thinking, feeling and saying. I keep catching myself about to feel like the bad one again and punishing myself for causing so much hurt to him and tearing him away from his babies. It's exhausting trying to keep on top of my thinking all the time. I've got a horrible pain right across the top of my back because I feel so uptight!

I'm trying to keep talking keep talking, I'm scared to be alone with my own thoughts

Thank you to everyone who has commented on this thread, it's truly amazing how many women I dont even know can come to my rescue

It's the first step and a massive one at that.
Well done OP.
I hope it all stays amicable but please get things in place.
Put passports and important docs somewhere safe.
Get a grip on earnings, savings, assets, pensions, etc.....
Womens Aid can help with all of that as well.
They can also recommend and local solicitor that may specialise in dealing with abusive fuckwits.
Well done - stay strong.
Stay fed and hydrated and KOKO!

What's koko?? You made me laugh for the first time in a while there with the "abusive fuckwits" comment! Thank god they can help with all that, I've no idea how to move forward money wise and pension didn't even cross my mind! We don't have passports but I think I will remove the birth certificates. I've already had to do security lock down my phone and Facebook due to his snooping. I found a list on Facebook of times and locations where it's been accessed and they were not all me so he's been lying about that too

I wish Christmas would do one right now too

Hi OP,

Well done, well done, well done!

I think KOKO means 'Keep on keeping on' - but correct me if I'm wrong hellsbells

Second the advice on getting your paperwork together. Very glad to hear he seems to have accepted its over but keep on your toes and be prepared for him to backtrack and get abusive again.

Glad you have spoken to someone about it in real life too, as much as MN can be support, ain't nothing like a big hug from a friend sometimes. Good luck and as said above, stay strong. You ARE strong and you will look back in a few months in amazement at how far you have come. Keep us updated too, hope the Women's Aid appointment goes well.

well done OP, make sure you have access to all bank accounts and savings, and payslips. First day of the rest of your life out of the gaslight!

well done, you're amazing

Well the amicable bit didn't last long. It's all my fault again, I've made him homeless, his mum has told him not to give me a single penny so would it be wrong if I moved money from the joint account into mine? Ive calculated what maintenance I'm entitled to so was just going to take it but I don't know if that's classed as theft? It's still all sitting in the joint account.

I've had to leave home tonight to allow him to collect his stuff it feels horrible! I've removed all birth certificates, personal paper work ect as I think he will bring his poisoness mother.

This is fucking horrible!!

It's a joint account, with your name on it, so you can take what you want from it.

So sorry he's decided to mess you about some more. Get help as soon as you can from Women's Aid and Citizens Advice.

I wish I could get him out my head, I feel like there's a tiny him living in my mind putting down my every thought it's horrible, I'm scared to be alone with my own thoughts

Take all of the money out of the account, just as a buffer, you can refund him later on if necessary. Be prepared to do it now electronically or you may find the account empty in the morning. What a horrid horrid man, you deserve far better than the years of emotional abuse. Here for support along with all the others! !

I agree take it all now. It’s perfectly legal if your name is on the account.

It’s a marital asset just like his car , pension and any savings or life insurance etc .

Your solicitor will advise you.

have you seen this on the BBC site? www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-41915425

Had a look at that BBC thing wow how are these people so powerful over us? They do and say such horrible things then we try to get better and feel guilty for what we're supposedly doing to them?!

I can't go home just now he's there, I checked the house last night and he's not taken a single thing so I'm starting to think he's got no intention of leaving!

Anyway women's aid today, I've been counting down the minutes to this appointment but the fear is still there that they tell me it's me just being horrible and I'm taking my kids away from a stable home but I've decided it's not about what everyone else thinks. If I'm not happy with the relationship then surely that is enough of a reason for me to leave? And it doesn't make me a bad person! I know I'm causing hurt but it's either he hurts or me??!!!

The thing that stood out for me is in one of your earlier posts you said ‘he won’t even consider’ that how he treats you is a problem for you/abuse.

That to me says it all. In a good /
Non-abusive relationship, if one partner says your behaviour makes me feel xyz, the other considers this and tries to make amends as if you are married to someone you are KIND and want to help them and you don’t want to increase your partner’s unhappiness.

There seems to be no kindness shown to you OP, just abuse and emotional blackmail.

Oh sweetheart, if you're out and he's in then he's probably telling people you left him. Of course he isn't going anywhere, he will only do what he wants to do.

OP you are amazing and doing amazingly well.
I could have written your post in 2015/16. I left him and divorced him and he was fucking furious, but my life has now started. After a blip of 18 years....
If you want to message me I'm at home today and will virtually hold your hand up to and after your WO appt - mumsnet did it for me when I had my mediation / solicitor / moving out day and it kept me going.
Amazing strangers on here - look at my threads from 2016.
We are a strong community!
Keep strong, lady x

Take the money asap. Glad you’re seeing WA. They can help with housing advice.

Yes KOKO means keep on , keeping on.
With abusers the amicable part will never last long.
But you've done loads to cover yourself already.
Yes get that money into an account in your sole name.
And good luck with Womens Aid.
There is absolutely no friggin' way they will not see this for what it is.
And that is abuse.
They will help you.

Move the money into YOUR account!

And get back into the house.

Good luck with Women's Aid!

Good luck!

Definitely withdraw all the money from the joint account for now - you are only keeping it safe and of course you will split it fairly when it's time.
I'm sorry to warn you, but in many cases men like these will now steep to unbelievable levels of low.
You will become the 'enemy' as you are taking away his control, and he will need to 'make you pay'.
Women's Aid will help you today - this is the first step.
You are NOT MAD - you have been chosen by him for a partner BECAUSE you are so lovely and kind.
for you x

I'm having similar notions with my now ex. It's wasnt obvious emotional abuse but now I've come away because of a sudden domestic violence outburst after 13 years together I have started to look back and realise there is bits which have been emotionally abusive for some time. I wasn't controlled, I could go where I pleased etc but he was starting to make comments about my shoes for example and saying some odd things about my clothes before I went out for example. At the time I didn't think anything of it but now I'm getting stronger I see that I haven't been treated rightly for a long while. It's a hard realisation and kind of like your grieving for what you thought your relationship was.