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Original poster

Boyfriend comments on my eating- is this ok?

60 replies

Red281 · 27/11/2017 17:06

I'm 31 5'5 and around 150lbs size 12 (upper end of a healthy BMI).
I have to admit my weight has fluctuated over the time we have been together (4 years) I would say I am probably a stone heavier than when I first met him, so not vast amounts!
Last night I popped over to his and he asked me to pick up some chocolate on the way amongst a few other things. When I settled down on the couch after dinner later that evening with the chocolate he made a 'jokey' comment about me eating them. I quipped back saying I will eat what I like and besides he was the one that asked me to buy them anyway. He then asked if I had been to the gym recently! Being a normal girl with lower than normal self esteem this did sting a little. I asked him if he was insinuating anything and he said no but it's important to eat well and go to the gym for 'health reasons'.
He is a big eater but gyms a lot so maintains his weight well and he does take care of himself. I go through peaks and troughs of dieting and not- as many of us tend to do!
He didn't specifically comment on my weight but I got upset and now I'm feeling paranoid. He said he couldn't understand where I was coming from, as all he said was that it's important to eat well and exercise regularly. AIBU? Is he?

OP posts:
mickhucknallspinkpancakes · 27/11/2017 17:20

It feels like a dig to me. Does he do this about anything else?

Annelind · 27/11/2017 17:21

Then why ask you to bring chocolate? Not part of a healthy diet is it? Sounds like he was waiting for the opportunity to make subtle but snarky comments on your weight. Not ok. Your body, not his. Your life, not his.

Tinselistacky · 27/11/2017 17:21

You know the quickest way to lose a load of weight don't you??!

MyBoysMyBoys · 27/11/2017 17:22

What you eat and when you eat it is no one’s business but yours.

Beside, having some chocolate when you’re a healthy weight isn’t going to immediately catapult you into obesity and cardiovascular risk is it? Hmm

Bumblina · 27/11/2017 17:26

My boyfriend can say similar things.
It can piss me off at times but he's from a footballing family (his Dad was a relatively famous ex pro) and he takes his fitness seriously even though he's as skinny as a rake.
I don't take it to heart too much anymore. Im curvy and he's skinny. I go to the gym 4 times a week so that i can eat what i like without piling too much weight on. I love food and will never be super skinny and i've told him this.

Original poster
Red281 · 27/11/2017 17:26

MyBoys I said the exact same thing and he said 'no but you have to be careful'. I said you eat junk at the best of times. (The other day he he got out of bed at 3am because he was hungry and ate half a pack of jaffa cakes!) His response is but I gym everyday so I can!

OP posts:
Ttbb · 27/11/2017 17:27

Well that escalated quickly.

Namethecat · 27/11/2017 17:29

Personally I'd see that as a definate dig which would piss me off majorly. In my time with my oh ( 15+ years ) I've been from an 8 -18 ( several times ) , I know it's bad to yoyo but sadly years of dieting and being a bit lazy where gyms,running etc are concerned so I just tell him he gets a new woman every few years !

IJoinedJustToPostThis · 27/11/2017 17:30

How long have you been seeing him?

If a bloke tried that rubbish on a first date I wouldn't bother with him again.
If he is otherwise perfect in every respect it might be worth your while to explain that he needs to knock it off.

Sounds like he thinks your body ought to look a particular way, and that he is superior to you (had the right to comment on your food) because he goes to the gym. These things are deeply unsexy.

Original poster
Red281 · 27/11/2017 17:42

4 years- I think becuase he hasnt directly commented on my weight or what I look like then he thinks it's ok because it's camouflaged under the guise of being healthy

OP posts:
category12 · 27/11/2017 17:45

Does he put you down in other ways; is your relationship good generally?

Smeaton · 27/11/2017 17:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TammySwansonTwo · 27/11/2017 17:50

gaslighting fucker. I had eating disorders as a teenager and part of that was my stepfather commenting on me eating outside of mealtimes (oh, and forcefeeding me vegetables as a child). My DH knows to never ever comment on me eating, ever. Took me years to even be able to order a normal meal in a restaurant. This prick knows exactly what he's doing.

Being in the normal or even slightly elevated BMI range does not have effects on your health so that's a red herring.

MyBoysMyBoys · 27/11/2017 17:51

IMO talking to a 31 year old like a child that can’t be trusted with what she puts in her mouth is pretty “unhealthy”.

I think this topic may have touched a nerve Wink

EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic · 27/11/2017 17:52

Could it be that he is genuinely worried about what she eats? My DH would live off biscuits and chocolate if he could and I’m forever worried about him dropping down with a heart attack. He could just be worried about the OP.

Gemini69 · 27/11/2017 17:56

he's Nasty girl Flowers

PeachyCandle · 27/11/2017 18:02

I’m a very similar weight and height to you OP. What exactly was the ‘jokey comment’? I’d be really irritated if my DP made any reference to my weight unless there was genuine concern for me.

Chippyway · 27/11/2017 18:07

Maybe he does find the extra weight a little unattractive especially as you say you’ve yo-yo’d over the years - there’s nothing wrong with that if it’s the case. Especially as he’s into the gym etc.

Would you rather him say it the way he said it or just outright say “look I don’t find you attractive carrying the weight you now do, please go to the gym”

I’m not saying you are unattractive!!! Nor am I saying you need to lose weight. God no. I’m just saying, somebody who is into fitness/gym is more likely to be attractive to a more healthier physique. And if you’ve been healthier in the past he is fully well entitled to find that more attractive without being called a cunt.

Honestly I wouldn’t be upset by this.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 27/11/2017 18:12

If you were clinically obese then the health concern comment would be valid, imho. But you are not, so it was a dig.
He did not directly comment on your weight but the implication was very clear regarding chocolate and gym time-he did comment on your weight.He

Since he asked you to buy the chocolate, he orchestrated that conversation...so he could "jokey" shame you for what you chose to eat, then pontificate about the gym. I would only feel the manipulation in that interaction.

If he wanted to say "eat well and exercise regularly" then he could very well have said "eat well and exercise regularly". But he chose to shame and embarrass you which showed he had an ego investment in putting you down.

Has he done/said other things that also feel like digs at you? At the 4 year mark, he may think you would never dump him at this point, especially at the age of 31. Is he an all around keeper, or do you have gut feelings that you shouldn't try to go the distance with this bloke? Imho, it is shit or get off the pot time.

Branleuse · 27/11/2017 18:13

it was definitely a dig.

bluesu · 27/11/2017 18:16

It was a dig, my partner also made a similar style dig because he knew if he had been direct I would’ve just cried ha. Thing is, I know I have to lose some weight. It still stung tho Flowers

MyBrilliantDisguise · 27/11/2017 18:18

So you're making the effort to go to his house. He asks you to stop off for chocolate. He then criticises you (in whatever way) for eating some of the chocolate?

I don't like the sound of him.

Evelynismyspyname · 27/11/2017 18:19

He asked you to buy chocolate.

That pretty much rules out any claim that his biggest priority is longstanding genuine concern and a wish that you'd cut out junk for the sake of your health.

He would not have specifically asked you to buy and bring him chocolate if he wasn't trying to have a dig by eating it in front of you and telling you that you shouldn't be eating it. Unless he is jaw droppingly thoughtless anyway.

CountessofGrantham · 27/11/2017 18:21

One of the first things I said to my DH when we talked about getting married was that he was to never ever comment on anything I was eating. My family have done this to me all my life and I wasn’t going to have it in my own home too. That would put me right off someone.

AlternativeTentacle · 27/11/2017 18:23

It was definitely a dig. I've never had a partner do this to me, I think if they had I'd have stood up, gone home and told him to go fuck himself.