Boyfriend comments on my eating- is this ok?

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I'm 31 5'5 and around 150lbs size 12 (upper end of a healthy BMI).
I have to admit my weight has fluctuated over the time we have been together (4 years) I would say I am probably a stone heavier than when I first met him, so not vast amounts!
Last night I popped over to his and he asked me to pick up some chocolate on the way amongst a few other things. When I settled down on the couch after dinner later that evening with the chocolate he made a 'jokey' comment about me eating them. I quipped back saying I will eat what I like and besides he was the one that asked me to buy them anyway. He then asked if I had been to the gym recently! Being a normal girl with lower than normal self esteem this did sting a little. I asked him if he was insinuating anything and he said no but it's important to eat well and go to the gym for 'health reasons'.
He is a big eater but gyms a lot so maintains his weight well and he does take care of himself. I go through peaks and troughs of dieting and not- as many of us tend to do!
He didn't specifically comment on my weight but I got upset and now I'm feeling paranoid. He said he couldn't understand where I was coming from, as all he said was that it's important to eat well and exercise regularly. AIBU? Is he?

How much does he weigh? I'd lose that weight first. Then buy yourself a bit box of chocolates to celebrate.

It's unpleasant and could be taken as abusive.

Definitely a nasty dig. Ignore and ditch the extra weight as others have said - ie the boyfriend, just to be really clear here.

Chippyway are you the boyfriend? You certainly sound as ignorant and controlling and abusive as he appears to be .

Basically you sound incompatible. I think he’s been manipulative and passive aggressive

its REALLY controlling and creepy to set up a situation in which he gets to “subtly hint” (without being subtle). He’s allowed to have an opinion on what he finds attractive or not in his intimate partner: what IS weird and disrespectful is him sitting there frantically trying to come up with an elaborate plan as if he thinks you’re stupid?

I’m a lifelong size eight, but have dated guys who don’t like things about me (my decision to be a mature student and my freelance creative job etc - I make it clear money isn’t my motivation and I’m not expecting someone else to sub me etc)

but then they try to “encourage me” to change and take on a 9-5 office job (because it suits THEM better) by dropping “cryptic hints”. It’s really irritating and patronising, and just indicates a lack of compatibility for me and a controlling nature.

It was a dig and he would like you to be thinner. Not nice.

I have some personal experience of his attitude and I am concerned by your justifications at the start of your post OP . There is no need to explain that you are 'normal' , his point of view stinks. Get away, you are young and can find a much better life partner... put it another way , what happens if you have children and he speaks like this to your daughter.

It was a dig. What you do with that is up to you...but make no mistake...it was a diggity dig dig dig.

I wouldn’t put up with that. If you can’t eat what you want in your own house then when can you?! I’d be really angry.

Do you think that he's concerned you'll keep putting weight on and you'll get fatter and fatter to the point he no longer fancies you physically? It sounds like a subtle way of saying he hopes you won't put any more weight on to me. Then again, if he was that bothered why on earth did he ask you to buy chocolate?!

Personally if I was dating someone and they were putting weight on I'd secretly be hoping they didn't put on more and would actually lose what they put on. I just don't find excess fat sexually appealing, so I realise I'd be best to only date men who really want to keep in shape. If he's bothered by a bit of flab he maybe ought to date a gym bunny instead and leave you to find a bloke who's more relaxed about it all.

Ugh my XH started this shit at the beginning of the end. It was especially galling when I was down at a size 4/6 (I'm 5ft 7 FGS) after an illness. Get rid. It presaged other issues and controlling behaviour.

I agree with Bobbin. 4 years and no progress towards marriage indicates you may be the 'good enough for now girl'. Except he is hinting that you may be no longer good enough for him. And that is certainly a two way street.

Horrible, absolutely horrible. I wouldn't want to see him again, if he wants someone skinnier, let him. It'd be no loss. Ugh.

It was a dig. Not OK.

But worse than making a dig, any dig; the sneaky deniability of his dig, wrapped in faux-concern for your health. It's manipulative and controlling, designed to chip at your self-esteem, and yes it is passive-aggressive. I despise passive-aggressive.

This dig says more about him than it does about you. And none of what it says about him is good.

He touched a nerve and he isn’t totally responsible for that nerve being exposed. No one likes their sensitive areas being highlighted but i call bullshit on the “Being a normal girl with normal low self esteem” comment. Low self esteem isn’t and shouldn’t be a given, the idea that you can’t do something about it is not only not taking responsibility for it but weaponising it to deflect, isn’t fair.

If your bf is genuinely worried about your health or is finding your extra weight unattractive, how would you prefer he frame it so you wouldn’t feel bad? He couldn’t because he’s not the source of your weight insecurities.

Be pissed off and rant away but how do you see the resolution to the current conflict and him STFU isn’t a resolution.

Low self esteem isn’t and shouldn’t be a given, the idea that you can’t do something about it is not only not taking responsibility for it but weaponising it to deflect, isn’t fair.

I think low self esteem when it comes to your body is quite normal for women in today’s looks-obsessed culture.

I also think size 12 is healthy. If OP were obese it might be a different story but she’s clearly not.

He's trying to manipulate you

As someone said, quickest way to lose a lot of useless weight is to dump him....

Just because low esteem is common, doesn’t make it acceptable. In addition, you can’t judge with certainty wether the OP is obese or not (not sure this should be the benchmark either) because height and arbitrary clothing size aren’t a particularly accurate measurement.

I think you both need to have a grown up conversation. He clearly has issues with your weight vs exercise levels and on the information provided alone, I can’t judge wether he’s being manipulative or is just being concerned. However, if you do want to know, then you’re going to have to ask him.

Resentment kills relationships.

Personally, I would have taken that as a dig & I would be upset.

I had a colleague who made similar "observations" about how she "knows how holrosea is because I can see her weight go up & down". WHAT?

Depending on diet/gym/motivation, my weight has gone down, up, and down again through 10-14 kg in the last 3 years. Comments like this are unhelpful whereas if my FRIENDS are concerned, they say "how are you? What's going on? Tough time?".

I personally think your BF has been very underhand & mean.

PS. Also, I had a partner who was health concious, we ate well & ran together. No comments about my weight, I asked for help/company to run & he came out with me & ate every healthy meal with me. No asking me to pick up chocolate then commenting if I ate it or superiority of "I can eat this because I do more than you"... 🤔

PS. Also, I had a partner who was health concious, we ate well & ran together. No comments about my weight, I asked for help/company to run & he came out with me & ate every healthy meal with me. No asking me to pick up chocolate then commenting if I ate it or superiority of "I can eat this because I do more than you"... 🤔

I don't understand why people can't get their heads around weight and sexually attractive . Whataloadof is absolutely spot on. We all have our 'type' that we find attractive. If overweight /thin/emaciated /obese is the body shape you are attracted to, then that is the type of person you are going to seek out for a relationship. It's the first thing.... then a relationship is formed. Love may or may not develop from that but it has NOTHING to do with sexual attractiveness. It is entirely possible to love every inch of your spouse but not fancy them remotely. (As happened to my Dsis who piled on weight until she was morbidly obese) . It is also more true than not that people fancy each other without being in love.
The absolute ideal (and essential) especially whilst younger and more sexually active, is for both these things to be happening in your relationship. To be both loved and found attractive. I'm not saying he doesn't - but if slim 'was his thing' and now you are 'top end of healthy BMI ' then you are bordering on 'overweight' . If that is fine by you then as all have said - it's entirely your business. However you cannot legislate what someone else finds attractive.
He may not and is attempting to tell you this. It doesn't mean for one moment that you have to listen. That's where your choice comes in. You can decide that you don't want to be with someone who has such a restricted view of what they find sexually attractive. After all a stone doesn't really change the body shape very much. - but again, that's MY opinion - I am not the 'eye of the beholder' . Maybe it does for him.

It never ceases to amaze me on MN that a man comments on a woman's weight then he's 'abusive'... ! How about some honesty between couples. Do you all believe that it's perfectly ok for either spouse to pile on or (just as relevant) lose weight to a degree that has an impact on your relationship and say absolutely nothing ? Or is there some magic number - 1stone, 3 stone 5 stone ? By which point it becomes 'Ok' . Would all of you who are saying 'how dare he' - really fancy your DH or DP if they put on /lost say 3 or 4 stone ? (I'm NOT asking about love - that's a very different emotion)

OP - why don't you try something really straightforward and have an HONEST conversation with him. Really try to keep the emotion out of it and simply ask him if he finds your body shape with more weight on it - less attractive than when you were thinner. The problem here is getting him to be really honest as most will tell you what you want to hear. His 'fault' in my view is the hinting and not saying what he means directly.

Before everyone piles in and accuses me of being 'fattist' This couldn't be further from the truth. I've come to understand this by going through my Dsis weight loss journey. She is married to a really lovely guy for 25+ yrs. she was always slim, piled on the weight at menopause and ended up a size 22. Had NHS Bariatric surgery 18 months ago and is now back to her 'normal weight'. Her husband never stopped loving her but certainly stopped fancying her. Now she has her sex life back. However the biggest surprise of all was the number of people in the support group who's marriages broke up post op. Invariably when the relationship had been formed when the spouse was already obese.- Almost entirely from the non obese spouse leaving the newly thin/slim spouse and forming a relationship with someone obese. It's basic human biology . What humans find physically attractive in each other is hard wired.

I'd say he'd like you to watch your weight a bit more and hasn't been able to say anything till that opportunity for a dig came up. Not nice to make digs.

Do you ever complain about your weight in front of him or complain of being unfit or how you feel unattractive?

The reason I ask is because I know several women who have been outraged when their partners dared to say something about what they were eating but those same men had been listening to the complaining etc. for a long time before that.

Whilst I sort of agree with PP, playing devil's advocate for a minute, do you spend a lot of time moaning about being 'fat' or 'overweight' or 'I must do something to get fit' - that sort of thing? If so then maybe in the Mars world that most of our male partners seem to be from, it could be seen as him being 'helpful'? Especially if he (thinks he) has lots of fitness knowledge because he goes to the gym