My ex still loves me but says we can't be together

[averagegirlbadfringe]

I'm 20 weeks pregnant, split with my boyfriend before I knew I was pregnant (we split because his family gave him an ultimatum- me or them), when he found out I was pregnant said he didn't want to be involved with the baby and that was that. we had no contact for a number of weeks. Then a couple of weeks ago he got back in touch, said he'd changed his mind, he'd like to be involved. Great.

He came round to talk, we ended up saying how much we still love each other, slept together, and before I knew it he was staying over at my house every other night. But then he said to me he doesn't know if he wants to be with me.

He doesn't care for the single life, he says, loves being with me again, it makes him so happy, to think of us all as a little family, but he doesn't think we can be together.

I know that his family dislike me a lot. Is it to do with that, or is he just wanting a shag so he's come back? Though it hasn't been all about the sex at all, though it's been lovely and great we've done other nice things like go out to nice places Christmas shopping, going out for food, often we wouldn't even sleep together we'd just do something boring like sit and watch a film. I'm so confused

I told him I can't do it anymore (the acting like a couple again when he's not even sure he wants to be with me and it was really messing me up and he sent me this message (below)

Obviously nothing changes in terms of him wanting to have contact with our baby whatever he decides but it just hurts a lot and it's so confusing. Sorry if I sound like a total foolish idiot I just want some advice on what other people think this is all about

Do you know why his parents don't like you?

And why they have such control over a grown man?

How old is he? Does he live with his parents?

He sounds a bit spineless tbh. Why does his family not like you?

He's either a spineless lump

Or

He's stringing you along

Neither is great.

How old is he?

He's stringing you along. What a prize prick.

He's 21 so we are young, he lived with me for a year, now he lives in a student house and visits his parents regularly.

His family don't like me because of my political views and how I was raised. They don't like me because I already have a child from a previous relationship and despite the fact I work and go to uni I and have a wonderful child they just could never accept us. They said I was forcing their son to grow up too quickly and forcing him to change his political views.

(It's all ridiculous it's not like I'm part of a cult ffs and I would never ever force my views or my life on anybody. my ex chose to become a part of mine and my sons life and during the time before we got together he adopted new political views different to his parents)

Ok, I was really asking if he is financially dependent on his parents. If they are funding his student house and studies and gave him an ultimatum then I can understand his choices to an extent.

It probably does mean he's stringing you along - if he intended to blow the rest of his life apart for you he'd have stood up to them by now.

When I say understand his choices, I don't mean I support them by the way!

Sorry I'm an idiot

His parents fund his entire student loan though he has got a job his parents give him more on top of that so he won't be in any debt

Sounds like he's torn between you and his parents. Time to give him an ultimatum- either a proper relationship or nothing at all. If you don't make a stand now this messing about will continue and you'll end up miserable. If he's going to be a father he needs to grow up and stand up to his parents.

You can’t help how you were raised and presumably your political views are based on your value system so important to you.

This situation has come about because of the pregnancy I think.

Without the pregnancy I doubt he would be chickening out and running away.

You are very young and I would think it unlikely this relationship would work out anyway even without his parents disliking you.

Are you sure it is even true? He could simply be telling you it is his parents for a lot of reasons.

The advice I always give when there is an accidental pregnancy in an unstable relationship (to both men and women) is take any possibility of a relationship of the table completely and focus on your parenting responsibilities and that’s what I think you should both do too.

I can kind of understand why he wants to stay. He is torn between trying to get a good education and hopefully being able to support the OP and their child.
Sounds similar to what my parents went through in the 1960s. My mum was a raging 'red' and into communism and my dad's parents were very conservative.
They had to try to keep their relationship secret and at the same time my father was studying Physics and Metallurgy.
They ended up with me in a bedsit, with him studying and working evenings. But they ignored what their parents thought and lived together for over 40 years. He became a Professor of Metallurgy.
Don't give up hope OP!

What awful judgemental and controlling parents he has. Do they know about the baby?

Before everyone ways in with hating on his parents, do you actually know that his parents even gave him an ultimatum, or is it just what he told you they did?

It’s entirely possible IMO that it is him who doesn’t want to be a family man looking after two kids at 21 and he is just blaming his parents to make him look less bad.

He told them about the baby and his dad (the more controlling of the two) said me and the baby are not welcome in their home (lovely guy) and his mum said she was happy that he'd made his own decision and not listened to his dad. (This I was very shocked at, I don't think his dad knows that was her reaction)

No his parents and siblings very openly dislike me

Ok, well either way, the important thing is that this baby is born into circumstances that are as stable as they can be.

Given the relationship is very unstable, I think it is important to knock it on the head and focus on preparing you and your existing DC for the new baby.

Ok, well either way, the important thing is that this baby is born into circumstances that are as stable as they can be.

Given the relationship is very unstable, I think it is important to knock it on the head and focus on preparing you and your existing DC for the new baby.

* The advice I always give when there is an accidental pregnancy in an unstable relationship (to both men and women) is take any possibility of a relationship of the table completely and focus on your parenting responsibilities and that’s what I think you should both do too.*

Sound advice Offred. Op I would really follow this. And please, once the baby is born get some suitable and effective contraception. Two children at a young age is a struggle, I assume you’re studying to further your career options, believe me, as a single mother already up the ladder it’s a very difficult juggle.

What support do you have in RL?

I really didn't come here to be lectured on contraception and to be made to feel like I'm a huge idiot for having two children so young.

My son has a wonderful life and I would not be having another child if I wasn't financially stable and thought I couldn't cope. I have a wonderful, supportive family, a beautiful home and a great future ahead of me.

The reason I'm asking for advice on why my ex is acting this way is because it really is the only issue in my life at the moment. I'm not going to allow our relationship to be stuck in some kind of purgatory for the next few months and have this new baby come into the world with a life full of uncertainty and arguing. The purpose of this post was to try and understand why he's doing this, so it can all be sorted before she's born.

I certainly do not need to be lectured on contraception. If I wanted advice about that I would of asked for it.

You must realise though that getting pregnant is partly what has made this happen?

He’s 21, dating someone with a DC is a totally different thing to having a baby and taking on an older child and being a family.

It’s not just about whether you feel you can emotionally and financially provide for another baby. It is also about whether he feels he can emotionally and financially provide for this baby and potentially you and your older child.

And yes, getting pregnant with a 21 year old boy who is still at uni, when you already have another child and when his parents are completely financially supporting him and they hate you is likely to make a mess.

This is the mess. It was very ill advised for you both to have made this baby given all the circs so yes, both of you need to be more serious about contraception so that any further children you have are more likely to be born into more stable circumstances.

His parents may have given him an ultimatum but the pregnancy is also an ultimatum of a kind.

Mick is just pointing out that if this; have this new baby come into the world with a life full of uncertainty and arguing is how you feel, the time to think about this is the contraception stage.

I think and this is going to sound very harsh but you have made a baby with a man that is no more than a child and his parents have given him an ultimatum and he has jumped on that. Any adult who loved you dearly and was having a child with you (planned or not) would say to their parents "well that's lovely and I'm so glad you have shown you cannot love unconditionally so il forge my own way from now, if you change your minds you will know where il be" end of story. Any parents that encourage their adult son to walk away from their unborn child is questionable in my view.

I know it hurts but you sound like you have your head screwed on and will achieve whatever it is you have set out to do, good luck.

Oh and to the pp having a go about contraception it does fail and it's a bit late for the pep talks so why waste your breath.

* This is the mess. It was very ill advised for you both to have made this baby given all the circs so yes, both of you need to be more serious about contraception so that any further children you have are more likely to be born into more stable circumstances.*

^^exactly this

Now you are in this situation I think as the more mature and independent person you need to draw the boundaries. He’s still a boy, he isn’t going to do it.

You can make the best of it by stopping angering over what he really feels and what he is going to do by taking any possibility of a relationship completely off the table and making it clear that you expect him to focus any and all effort on him preparing to become a father.