My ex still loves me but says we can't be together

[averagegirlbadfringe]

I'm 20 weeks pregnant, split with my boyfriend before I knew I was pregnant (we split because his family gave him an ultimatum- me or them), when he found out I was pregnant said he didn't want to be involved with the baby and that was that. we had no contact for a number of weeks. Then a couple of weeks ago he got back in touch, said he'd changed his mind, he'd like to be involved. Great.

He came round to talk, we ended up saying how much we still love each other, slept together, and before I knew it he was staying over at my house every other night. But then he said to me he doesn't know if he wants to be with me.

He doesn't care for the single life, he says, loves being with me again, it makes him so happy, to think of us all as a little family, but he doesn't think we can be together.

I know that his family dislike me a lot. Is it to do with that, or is he just wanting a shag so he's come back? Though it hasn't been all about the sex at all, though it's been lovely and great we've done other nice things like go out to nice places Christmas shopping, going out for food, often we wouldn't even sleep together we'd just do something boring like sit and watch a film. I'm so confused

I told him I can't do it anymore (the acting like a couple again when he's not even sure he wants to be with me and it was really messing me up and he sent me this message (below)

Obviously nothing changes in terms of him wanting to have contact with our baby whatever he decides but it just hurts a lot and it's so confusing. Sorry if I sound like a total foolish idiot I just want some advice on what other people think this is all about

*angsting

Because that’s the main issue isn’t it?

Whatever he decides (running away back to mummy and daddy or committing to the child) he needs to be ready and prepared in 20 weeks.

He has his entire life to decide whether he wants to be in a relationship with you. It is a total non-issue really but at the moment it is what both of you are mainly focusing on.

Sorry guys I always forget how shitty mumsnet can be.

I literally just asked for some opinions on a situation and instead basically just got told I shouldn't even be thinking about it. Excuse me for having human emotions, for loving the father of my child and being confused as to how he's acting and asking for people's advice on what they thought of the situation.

Instead I just got told to sort my contraception out and that I'm basically bringing a child into some kind of toxic and horrible environment. You've been given the bare minimum of information about my life and myself. I simply asked for advice on one thing and instead got a barrage of condescending responses on numerous aspects of my life bar a couple 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thanks guys!

What are your political views? Are they far right and something many people would object to or find offensive?

Not toxic and horrible. Just pretty messy. Understandably and predictably so.

You have been given advice, it’s just not advice you want to hear. That’s your right, and again understandable, you will need to make your own way.

People are just trying to help you make your life less hard is all.

Choosing to angst over a relationship that has nothing going for it and everything going against it is not likely to make you happy though.

How he is acting is only confusing if you haven’t really paid heed to the glaringly obvious fact that he is an immature 21 year old boy who is still dependent emotionally and financially on his parents.

If you realise that that is what he is then his behaviour is not at all surprising and is completely predictable.

Oh for gods sake! This poor girl is in despair. It's happened, it's happening. Leave her alone. Aside if frogmarching her to an abortion clinic which is the underlying jibes going on here.

OP you put yourself first, you, your dc and the baby. Prepare to go it alone, you've done it before, you can do it again. This is something for your ex to sort out in his head. And parents, even shitty controlling ones, can come round. Do you really think his mum wouldn't want to see her dcs offspring! They may never embrace you, you may be only tolerated in the background, but don't give a shit and live your life as you are and as you want. If you are happy and your kids are happy that's all that matters. His parents will be worrying about financial claims etc but that's between them. Give it time and keep your chin up. You'll do ok!

What political views!? Are you a member of UKIP or a big fan of Boris!? I might find it hard to get past that!?

Also you need to see both sides - a lot of people have views on having a baby young - mainly because as a parent it is hard to see a young person lose the opportunity to be young (& travel and party and be carefree etc) at an age where you are still working out who you are. They don't have to be arseholes about it though!

However clearly the fact you are having a baby is his responsibility too and whatever he or his family feel about it it is done now and they have to deal with it and they way they are dealing with it is shocking! He needs to step up and grow up. I'd step back from the relationship side of things, get financial agreements in place and try and be amicable and make sure he is involved in the child's life - but nothing more.

It’s nothing at all to do with marching anyone down to an abortion clinic it’s nothing to do with judging the op or the BF for their choices which have already been made. It is everything to do with trying to get her to see the reality of the situation and;

OP you put yourself first, you, your dc and the baby. Prepare to go it alone, you've done it before, you can do it again. This is something for your ex to sort out in his head.

Is exactly the same advice I am giving.

He's being totally and absolutely horrible. You should tell him to stay away until he can behave in a more reasonable and supportive manner. What on earth is the point of him. He is giving you nothing but angst and making you unhappy.

But he is very young to take on this responsibility. I can see why his parents disapprove. Especially if they are funding him. Is he younger than you?

I think it depends massively on your political views. If you're a raging BNP member then I can understand why they won't want their son anywhere near you.

Doesn't matter if she is a bloody Neo Nazi, their son has made a baby with her and they are giving him an ultimatum it's them or gf and baby. That's utterly disgraceful behaviour from his parents. I stand by my opinion that if he was in any way a decent human being op he would have told them where to go.

I think you just have to accept that he is telling you what he thinks you want to hear and his parents too, either because he is emotionally immature or he is a twat neither are great. I'd get tough op and just say a relationship is out but co parenting is very important to you and him being a father to his daughter. Focus on that for now and if there is any chance of a relationship Id stick it on the back burner. You sound like you having been doing really well and will continue to do so regardless of his input.

For what it's worth I'm in my 30s and couldn't be with someone with vastly differing political views it would drive me nuts, so if your opinions in this are important to you after 10yrs you may want to kill him lol.

I think if you keep on hoping this boy will ‘come good’ then you’re in for a lot of pain drawn out over many months.

He’s doing the whole ‘tortured in love’ bollocks that lots of young adults do. But he’s not in the usual ‘young adults exploring the world with no consequences’ type of situation.

It means a lot more to you, the stakes are higher and you don’t get to (nor want to!) walk off from responsibility and go be a fun loving student. But he does. That’s the choice for him.

I suspect he will do the whole ‘oooh I want to be with you but I can’t, pooooor meeee’ star crossed lovers stuff and if you let him, you’ll be the one feeling sorry for him and waiting around as he plays with the idea of being a grown up family man and then wandering off again.

I think it's v possible that he still loves you, but at the same time his head and his gut tells him the relationship just isn't going to work. There are lots of women on here on the no contact thread who struggle with their emotions when they've walked away from a relationship.

You're right to bring this to a head now. The current situation is hurting both of you. He's given you his answer and I think you have to accept it and not try to argue him out of it. He's in a different position from you. He'd be taking on a step-child and his parents are the reverse of supportive. He's also younger than you? And he hasn't had the experience of life with even one baby. Fwiw, I think he agrees with his parents about the situation and, when it comes down to it, the love he feels for you just isn't strong enough to override the sick feeling he gets in his stomach at the idea of a future with you. He's only 21. It's a huge responsibility to take on and it almost certainly means the end of his dreams or putting his ambitions on hold for an indefinite length of time.

Of course he must face up to his financial responsibilities, but you may have to face up to the fact that successful co-parenting won't work out. Does your first child's father play an active part in his life? Whatever you decisions you make now could mean very little further on down the line.

I agree with others that the focus from now on must be you, your child and the new baby. At least, you have the support of your family, which is beyond price.

You are bringing this child into an uncertain situation as regards their father. That's what happens when you get pregnant with someone outside of a stable, committed relationship, be you 20, 30 or 40 (been there, done that myself).

Your job now is to deal with that and do as well as you can, just as you've done before.

Hi OP I don't really have any advice, but I wanted to offer you some kind words as a few people seem a bit judgemental over your pregnancy. You came here for relationship advice, not contraception advice and those stating your ex partner is just a boy! He's bloody 21, an adult.
So and from me and please remember some of us on here aren't awful

Dh married me at age 21, his parents didn't attend as they didn't approve.
Neither DH or I cared whether or not they came or approved and we were going ahead come what may.........
But we had loads of love and support from other family and friends, DH had been self supporting since leaving school aged 16.
Reading between the lines if your boyfriend is very dependant and enmeshed in his family has he the strength and the desire to turn his back on them?
He is very "young" if he is still in full time education, and its a big ask to expect him to turn his back on his life up to now.
My advice to the Op is to play the long game and just concentrate on the new baby, her other child, and getting on with her life.
Don't expect anything let him make his own mind up with time.
good Luck

I don’t get why people are lecturing you on being pregnant young, if you’re financially stable and have the support I don’t understand what the problem is. If your ex wants to be in the babies life make sure it’s all or nothing, don’t allow a child to be passed from pillar to post x

I think it's time to take a break from him and start focusing on whether or not he is going to be involved in his child's life. He's acting in a seriously immature manner - great for him that he has that luxury when you do not.

Step back. He's trying to have the best of both worlds - be with you, while not officially being with you as this would piss off his family. In your position i'd cut all non-baby related contact. Have him come with you to scans or appointments if that is what you would both like. Otherwise, forget it.

He is being monumentally selfish. There is a baby coming, and he is acting as though he is 14 and his parents have told him he's not allowed to go to a party but he's sneaking out anyway. He is 21, not 11, and he's acting as though none of this is his responsibility.

I know it must be really hard, it seems like you're in a relationship, and he wants to be with you and do all these things with you, but I can only see it ending badly. It doesn't seem like he's going to stand up to his parents. i'd say get out now before you are let down even harder in the future.

No-one is lecturing the op about being pregnant... 🙄

We’re trying to explain why he is acting the way he is and give advice on what she should do, which is what she asked for.

How he is acting is entirely explained by his young age, his immature emotional dependence on his parents and the fact the op has already got one child and is now pregnant with his baby.

But Offred the fact that he has a penis is what is allowing him to walk away and act this way. He is 21 not a child, he is acting like one however. It does not matter how enmeshed his studies and finances are with his family. When he decided to sleep with the op he was running the risk of creating a child, nobody upon nobody should get to leisurely walk away from that.

If I was this mans parents regardless of wether I liked the op he would be knuckling down and being told he needs to now support this child financially and be a father. Tough tits if he wanted to live the student life, travel and just be free and easy. Should of kept it in his pants.

Ok I realise that's not entirely true and abortions and adoptions exist for just that. But I am so sick of excuses being made for young men not to be supportive fathers because well they are young and men. It's not an excuse.

Yes, that is exactly why I am saying that the focus needs to be brought back to him preparing to be a father.

The relationship with the OP is not the main issue, or even a relevant issue right now.

At 21 he could be more mature, though it is reasonably understandable for him not to be. However the reality is that he is an immature 21 year old. That’s why he is behaving like this.

The more the op indulges his flip flapping around about a relationship the more the priority issue (him preparing for being a father) goes un dealt with.

Some 35 year olds are still immature like this and emotionally and financially dependent on their parents, it is more likely for a 21 year old who is still at uni though.

This is the benefit for the op of taking a relationship completely off the table.

The very last thing it is wise to do is encourage blurred boundaries re fatherhood and a relationship. If that happens he may learn that fatherhood is dependent on being in a relationship with the mother of his child.

Nobody is defending the young man here; they're just telling it like it is.

Barely through adolescence, still at college, still dependent financially on his parents. Maybe he'll decide to give up study for now and get a £10 an hour job so he can move in with op and play happy families. Maybe he'll decide to stay at university, get a better paid job later, and try to salvage some of his carefree youth.

It doesn't matter whether he's right or wrong; what matters is that op understands that he's probably not the safest bet as a long-term partner and focuses on what she can realistically influence (ie not him, not his parents).