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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Another weekend like this

57 replies

checkedcloth · 25/11/2017 08:58

DH and I have had a difficult 12 months. He is a compulsive gambler and this time last year I uncovered he was gambling again despite promising faithfully he wouldn’t, I’d previously threatened to leave if he did.

However, given we had 2 Dcs (7&5) I stayed. But the relationship hasn’t seemed to recover. I feel constantly cross and let down, he has stopped attending GA in th last month which really annoys me - I feel he doesn’t take it seriously.

He has taken on a coaching role at DSs football club, that’s great and DS loves it. But its taking over our lives and every weekend is arranged around this. I’m supposed to be meeting girlfriends tomorrow (happens once a year) and I’ve just found out I’ve got to take DD with me as he is coaching. It’s so difficult for me to articulate how this makes me feel because ultimately DS loves what he is doing.

I remarked that football has become the new gambling in this house. Everything always seems to fit around DH.

Another weekend therefore of being feeling fed up, cross and under appreciated, and I’m not sure how I can go on feeling like this.

I’d love to know if actually I’m just being unreasonable (do tell me) and is this was marriage looks like?

I tried to make it work because of the DCs but I’m becoming increasingly disappointed that this is what life and marriage looks like.

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 25/11/2017 09:02

Ask him what he would do With dD if he have them every other weekend?

Ask him to sort out her arrangements - he doesn't get to flit between them

You sound unhappy but you must have seen this coming? Of coarse he's committed to the coaching so unless asked to rearrange you must have know DD needed entertaining

Thebluedog · 25/11/2017 09:02

Why can’t he take DD with him to coaching to allow you to got out with friends?

MinervaSaidThar · 25/11/2017 09:03

Not unreasonable at all. Is this every weekend?

How is the marriage in other ways? Could DH be hiding marriage problems behind these coaching weekends?

If you're not happy, don't stay because of the kids.

Original poster

checkedcloth · 25/11/2017 09:15

I told him about my arrangements a while ago, he only landed it on me yesterday that he wouldn’t be able to look after her.

I get that he is committed to it - but he never explained or shared with me the impact it would have on our lives. I cant imagine me doing something similar!

I am unhappy, but I feel so guilty for that and the idea of putting me first would be at the detriment of the DCs.

I don’t know if he is Hiding behind this, that’s a good point. Dare I say it I think it’s just how he operates. I know he is constantly fed up with me for working really long hours and being very stressed about work

OP posts:

OrangeCarpet · 25/11/2017 09:20

Sounds like he has an addictive personality. He’s never going to make you happy.

backinthatdress · 25/11/2017 09:23

This is a hard one as coaching is effectively something one of your kids really enjoys too and he's going to say he's doing it for the kids, which he probably is but he's enjoying it to.

I wouldn't be happy about this weekend at all.
You said you told him ages ago, so to turn around last night and say he can't have her is unacceptable.

If my partner would of done that I would of said tough, I told you ages ago, you have her or find someone to have her as I'm not taking her. And I wouldn't of meant it!!

backinthatdress · 25/11/2017 09:24

I would of meant it! Ahh

Original poster

checkedcloth · 25/11/2017 09:30

He does have an addictive personality yes, he’s had an issue with gambling for over 30 years.

Yes it is hard because my little boy loves having his dad as the coach, but you are right DH equally is getting lots of pleasure out of it

Any time we talk about our relationship it ends in an argument. We are both very defensive, and I can’t remember the last time we talk about us in a calm, adult way.

OP posts:

MajesticWhine · 25/11/2017 09:52

How old is DD? Can she go to football with them?

Shoxfordian · 25/11/2017 10:02

It doesn't sound as though it's working

He shouldn't have stopped going to GA and the football coaching is just too much every weekend. Can he coach a bit less?

Original poster

checkedcloth · 25/11/2017 10:03

She’s only 5. It’s a bit miserable for her as it’s freezing cold. I don’t mind having her with me, my friends will be ok about it. It’s more all the stuff behind it of that makes sense.

OP posts:

AlternativeTentacle · 25/11/2017 10:11

he only landed it on me yesterday that he wouldn’t be able to look after her.

Well then HE needs to sort something out. grandparent? neighbour?

NC4now · 25/11/2017 10:11

I completely understand why you feel resentful. DH is putting himself first and not thinking about you and your needs.
I know in my relationship I need to be put first some of the time to feel loved and valued.
It doesn’t always happen and when it doesn’t I get resentful. I had to spell this out to DH though.
Would that be your situation OP?

Joysmum · 25/11/2017 10:15

I’d tell him it’s tough. He’s had every weekend and you want one day. You’ll be going out with your friends and it’s up to him to parent his own child for a few hours or arrange an alternative.

user1493413286 · 25/11/2017 10:16

Have you thought about marriage counselling to work through the difficulties around the gambling? I completely understand where you’re coming from about football taking over your weekends but it’s not unusual when someone has an addiction for them to need to replace it with something else and it’s important that the replacement is a healthy activity. Have you contacted any support groups or organisations for yourself? They also might be helpful

Leilaniii · 25/11/2017 10:20

He has taken on a coaching role at DSs football club, that’s great and DS loves it. But its taking over our lives and every weekend is arranged around this.

This would be considered absolutely normal in the US. I don't think it's a bad thing, to be honest. At least he's involved in your DS's life unlike most of the men you hear about on here.

VioletCharlotte · 25/11/2017 10:27

To be honest, I'd be pleased he has packed in the gambling and was spending his time doing something positive.Kids sports teams rely on parent volunteers giving up time at the weekends.

When my two were small, my weekends consisted up ferrying 2 DS to drama clubs, swimming lessons, football matches, etc. If I wanted to see my friends, I'd arrange it for the evening when they were in bed.

Maybe I'm seeing it differently as I'm a single Mum and never had the luxury of meeting up with friends when the DC were little, but surely it's not too much hardship to spend the weekend with your DD? Can you not arrange meet ups with your friends around this activity?

Fluffyblanket17 · 25/11/2017 10:30

Weekends revolving around football is normal in my house too, my son trains Saturdays and game Sunday and my husband also plays Sunday. I’d wrap your daughter up warm and let her go with him. If she’s anything like my 5 year old daughter she will enjoy joining in with the boys xx

ALittleBitConfused1 · 25/11/2017 10:47

I think there is a lot of separate issues intertwined here, all of which are causing resentment. This then makes it near on impossible for either of you to communicate and find resolutions, because you have to sort through the anger first.
When trying to overcome an addiction it is important to replace the activity with something else, something healthy and fulfilling, it sounds like this is what your H is trying to do.
Not diminishing him of responsibility but could he have forgotten about your plans?
On the face of it the only way this will work is if you have a good old chat, without losing your temper. I know it sounds silly but could you arrange a lunch or dinner date together, find a nice cozy table somewhere quiet to chat.if you're in public it will force you to talk calmly and listen to each other without loosing your temper.
Maybe you could agree (if possible) to finish work earlier one day a week and agree that on that day it is family evening when you get home, try and leave work stress at work (easier said than done I know)
Explain that you realise him coaching is great for both him and your son but maybe he could agree to one weekend off a month where you get to arrange plans and he gets quality time with your Dd, or you can all do something together. Buy a family calender and mark these dates on it so there is no changing plans.
With regards to the Gambling , he relapased, it happens to addicts, he is probably aware he let you down as well as himself, saying comments such as ''this is the new gambling' will just exasberate the problem and guilt he feels. You choose to stay with him you cannot use this against him
I understand why you are angry and feel how you do and that does need to be explained to him but in a non judgemental and straight way, this is what you did, this is how it makes me feel, and this is what I propose to stop it happening again or this is what will happen. Then you must let it go. Maybe you could offer to go to a meeting with him, not every one but ocassionally, I did this with a close family member who was an alcoholic. It really helps you understand what their addiction means to them. Good luck op.

Cricrichan · 25/11/2017 10:51

Violetcharlotte - my weekends are dedicated to ferrying my kids around various activities and parties too. However, if I'd organised one thing a year when my dh would have to take the kids and he'd agreed then if expect him to do it or organise an alternative. He's not given it a second thought, just expects his wife to drop or accommodate him and his needs. I bet if it was him going on a stag weekend, he'd manage to sort something out.

ParadiseCity · 25/11/2017 10:55

All well and good saying well done for the DH doing the coaching but he isn't thinking about his DD or DW. And what would happen if DS decided he didnt want to play any more or couldn't due to injury or something? The DH is using the coaching as a get out of jail family responsibility card.

Shankarankalina · 25/11/2017 10:55

It seems like you have conflated these issues. Is this about his new ‘addiction’ or the fact that you need a babysitter for a few hours so you can meet your friends. Sort a babysitter, then see if the other issue still seems so important.

RagingFemininist · 25/11/2017 10:57

Nope, not normal at all.
That you end up ferrying your dcs to activities at the weekend is actually a choice. And this needs to be decided TOGETHER as a family.
He can’t just decide he has coaching to then be allowed to get out of anything he doesn’t want to do, incl looking afetr his own dd.

your DH is doing what my H is doing. Doing an activity he really enjoys but wrapping it up as something for the dc. So that makes him the dad of the year and no one is allowed to say anything.
Well fuck that.
His first and foremost responsibility is as a parent and he has two dcs. Up to him to deal wth BOTH dcs if it happens you are away ONCE in the year.

LadyintheRadiator · 25/11/2017 10:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cleavergreene · 25/11/2017 11:00

It’s not like he just decided to coach the team with one days notice. The match schedule would have been out for months. In other words the obligation of coaching the footy team was entirely predictable with respect of his commitment on that day. I think he’s doing a great job being involved with little Johnny. It looks like he’s refocused and is no longer gambling. He’s involved in his children’s lives. I’m assuming he works and provides the majority of the income.

What on earth more do you want?

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