Another weekend like this

[checkedcloth]

DH and I have had a difficult 12 months. He is a compulsive gambler and this time last year I uncovered he was gambling again despite promising faithfully he wouldn’t, I’d previously threatened to leave if he did.

However, given we had 2 Dcs (7&5) I stayed. But the relationship hasn’t seemed to recover. I feel constantly cross and let down, he has stopped attending GA in th last month which really annoys me - I feel he doesn’t take it seriously.

He has taken on a coaching role at DSs football club, that’s great and DS loves it. But its taking over our lives and every weekend is arranged around this. I’m supposed to be meeting girlfriends tomorrow (happens once a year) and I’ve just found out I’ve got to take DD with me as he is coaching. It’s so difficult for me to articulate how this makes me feel because ultimately DS loves what he is doing.

I remarked that football has become the new gambling in this house. Everything always seems to fit around DH.

Another weekend therefore of being feeling fed up, cross and under appreciated, and I’m not sure how I can go on feeling like this.

I’d love to know if actually I’m just being unreasonable (do tell me) and is this was marriage looks like?

I tried to make it work because of the DCs but I’m becoming increasingly disappointed that this is what life and marriage looks like.

And no no no about arrang8ng a babysitter!!!

He KNEW you would be away for the day. He KNEW he would be needed to look after his dd. If he has an issue iwth childcare, HE is sorting it.
Organising a babysitter is NOT just the mother job. Fathers are also able to do that.
Please do NOT facilitate his man child behaviour.
And dont let him get away with murder. He isn’t the one who gets to decide what you will be doing, if you will look afetr your dd, how to organise your day etc... (and it’s exactely what he has done. He is going to do his thing and tells you you now have your dd with you wo any care about the impact on you).
Please stand up for yourself.

What on earth more do you want?

I would want RESPECT. I would want to work as a PARTNERSHIP which means not been told at the last minute about something that was planned months ago.

Stopping gambling is NOT something amazing. That should be a given in a relationship.
Spending time as a coach is NOT something amazing becaus eit happens your dc likes football. It’s something he is doing for himself and it cannot be done at the detriment of the OP or the family.

It’s time we stop thinking that a man who is doing something with ONE of his dcs at the detriment of his other dcs or his family/wife is so amazing that he is like a god.

What on earth more do you want?

For him to take on his share of parenting and facilitate a once a year day off to socialise perhaps?

It sounds like he's being passive aggressive - you work late (which presumably you can't help), so he takes it out on you by being unavailable on weekends but in such a way as to make you feel you can't say anything because it involves your DS. But he does need to tell you, his commitments are not more important than yours.

It's not fair on you and DD for these football weekends to dominate family life. I think you need to make clear that it's too much and they need to limit it e.g. one morning each Saturday.

Does he work?

If you're unhappy, your kids will sense that, and it will come to the fore anyway. If he is unwilling to change, could you really spend another 30-40 years with him?

Surely if he has made a commitment to the team to coach every weekend you would have realised before now that he wouldn't be around to have DD? Have you discussed this with him prior to now?

If it was me I'd get him to take DD with him. It's a lovely weekend, if she's wrapped up warm she'll be fine. There was always loads of little ones who used to tag along to DS football.

If your child has a hobby they enjoy you need to realise it will take her your weekend. No different to dancing or gymnastics - even if the parent isn't coaching, you end up driving them all over the country to competitions. It's worth the efforts though.

Surely if he has made a commitment to the team to coach every weekend you would have realised before now that he wouldn't be around to have DD?

In which case he could have said he was have no one day off, take the child with him, or he would have been responsible for finding an alternative for their child given he knew he was to be responsible that day.

Why would it be her responsibility?

I'm probably seeing it differently to others as I'm a single parent. For 11 years, pretty much every Sunday was spent taking DS2 to football. DS1 just came along with us.

Violet Charlotte - get over yourself. Ive been a single parent. I have many more kids than you and a dh who spends the majority of his time away. They're all sporty and I have had to look after a baby, a toddler and a child for years whilst taking my other kid to sports etc. That's not the bloody point.

He should have said no or organised an alternative. She's not asking for blood. She's asking her perfectly capable other adult in this family to look after both his kids on day a year.

But if you want a pissing contest on who has it the hardest, we can start and I'm sure half of mumsnet will beat you.

And being a single parent is hands down a million times easier than being with an adult manchild. Regardless of the amount of sports they do.

And no no no about arrang8ng a babysitter!!!

Wow, I’m glad I’m not married to you! He’s committed from the start of th season to coach the footy team. A decision that could have been predicted to have conflicts by both parties I may add. And you, in your immense wisdom, don’t seem to think getting a sitter for s few hours is a tolerable compromise. Nice one, sweetheart!

Cricrichan wow, really? I wasn't saying my life was hard, just trying to put forward an alternative point of view.

Presumably the OPs DS would need to be taken to the match, regardless of whether his Dad was coaching or not? I just don't see this as something to get annoyed about. Father gets involved with sons sport. In my mind that equals a good thing! And there's no reason he can't take DD, and as far as I know, he hasn't said he won't. The OP said it would be too cold for her. I just see it as a non issue.

Thank for so many replies, which I need to read fully and reply. I really appreciate
People taking the time to respond though.

However to the poster who asked if he contributes the majority of the household finances, your assumption made me see red. He earns about £15k more than me PA. But I work full time,very senior nurse in the NHS - working 50 ish hour week most of the time. Believe me when I say I pay my way

DH and I have had a difficult 12 months. He is a compulsive gambler and this time last year I uncovered he was gambling again despite promising faithfully he wouldn’t, I’d previously threatened to leave if he did. However, given we had 2 Dcs (7&5) I stayed

Staying for the children rarely if ever is a good idea in such cases. What do you think they are learning about relationships here from the two of you?. You threatened him with leaving if he gambled again and yet you stayed despite discovering further gambling. He will not take you at all seriously if you keep going back on your word. I also would not think he has stopped gambling either and indeed he has stopped attending the GA meetings. He does not think he has a problem and like many addicts is in denial.

What do you get out of this relationship with this man now, what is in this for you?. Something keeps you within this and the children cannot and must not be used as the glue now to bind you and he together.

Cleavergreene they didn’t say it wasn’t a tolerable compromise, they said the OP should let her DH arrange it. Which is more than fair.

And your comment assuming the DH contributes the majority of the family income made me cringe.

youCleavergreene they didn’t say it wasn’t a tolerable compromise, they said the OP should let her DH arrange it. Which is more than fair.

And your comment assuming the DH contributes the majority of the family income made me cringe.

My assertion that this conflict was entirely and equally predictable by both parties stands. It matters not which party organises the babysitting. In fact, since the party with the one off engagement is in need of the baby sitter, it seems entirely reasonable she gets on with it instead of bleating.

You may cringe as much as you like. The reality is he does earn the majority of the income. 15k more. That seems substantial to me. I never suggested the OP didn’t work. Given the nature of her employment though, I’m sure she works damn hard. You assumption that I think the OP sits on her arse while hubby works made me cringe (you see what I did there?).

Thank you for all your replies and thoughts, there is much for me to read and digest.

For all of you who feel that I am being unreasonable about the coaching and weekends, I do understand this is what life looks life with children and usually I work round this, ie have a roast dinner waiting for DH and DS every Sunday after a match etc.

I could let DD go, but she’ll be a bit of a handful, and I don’t think she’d have a good time.

The advice about taking the time to talk about our marriage somewhere where we have to be calm is a good one, and something that we should do. Although we just seem distant from each other, conversation appears hard.

I believe he has given up gambling, and yes that’s a wonderful step. But I can’t help but feeling a sense of resentment. We’ve lost los of money over the years as a result of it and the moods of living with someone who is a compulsive gambler are dreadful. I suppose in some ways I’ve lost a little respect from him. How could he choose to keep gambling when he has Dcs?

Yes Cleavergreen I do work hard, damn hard and I desperately wish DH would acknowledge that and have some sense of pride for me. He may earn more than me now, but it was my financial prudence that means we own a home, due to gambling DH didn’t bring anything to the table when we brought our first home

Cleaver yes, I see he earns more. I knew that when I posted. My point is, what’s the relevance of his income to the situation?

Wow, I’m glad I’m not married to you! He’s committed from the start of th season to coach the footy team. A decision that could have been predicted to have conflicts by both parties I may add. And you, in your immense wisdom, don’t seem to think getting a sitter for s few hours is a tolerable compromise. Nice one, sweetheart!

Except that I doubt he ever talked to the OP if she was happy with that level of commitment. It was imposed on her.
And that he is actually totally unwilling to ame ANY effort for her so she can spend ONE day with friends.
Just ONE day in the whole year for herself. Whereas during the whole other 51 weeks, it’s the OP that is making an effort for him.

Is it really asking that much? Is it really being mean to ask her H to make an effort too, compromise when there is a conflict?
Because I’m yet to see when he has ever made an effort for her and drop someth8ng he wanted to do so she could something she wanted to do.

Sorry but I’m struggling to see how I am awful to think it’s normal that HE is also making an effort when there is a conflict.
Or why it is abnormal to to expect him to find a solution for a change rathervthan the OP running at the rescue. AGAIN.
Which she is constantly doing. Whether it’s financial with the gambling, or organisation wise with the weekends. Or by planning ahead for budgets etc....

And btw, the effort could well be HIM organising a sitter. Or taking the dd with him and ensuring she is gett8ng bored. Or contacting family or whatever other solution he could find.
The point is HE should be organising that. Not the OP.

checkYes Cleavergreen I do work hard, damn hard and I desperately wish DH would acknowledge that and have some sense of pride for me

That’s a different but related issue. The issue really at the heart of this matter. Lack of communication and respect. But you started the thread with a specific issue, one that I commented on from a guys point of view. Skewed intentionally to that view pointvto offer counter balance I may add. I think Gambling is a destructive habit.

youCleaver yes, I see he earns more. I knew that when I posted. My point is, what’s the relevance of his income to the situation?

You knew? Amazing powers of prescience there.

rageExcept that I doubt he ever talked to the OP if she was happy with that level of commitment. It was imposed on her.

Your doubt is irrelevant. Both parties failed to communicate. For various reasons.

Cleaver, no, not prescience. Just simple reading of the OP’s posts

You’ve still not explained the relevance of who earns what?

You’ve still not explained the relevance of who earns what?

As distasteful as it is, income keeps you off the streets. It’s a little known fact amongst the hairy arm pitted feminists. and I’m assuming life gets a whole lot tougher with no or little income. Therefore income = food and shelter = safety = not living a shit life. This formula is finite though. Money doesn’t buy happiness but I’d rather be rich and miserable than poor and miserable.

I’m not for one second suggesting the OP doesn’t contribute. I’m just answering your stentorious cries.

Cleaver are you really suggesting that because her DH earns 15k more he should get to do whatever he wants?

You're either male or in a financially abusive relationship and have no idea how a healthy, functioning relationship works, where all income is family money and no partner is beholden to the other.

Either way, I pity you.

Miner. I happen to agree with you :) and I make no such suggestion :)

Thanks for your pity though ;)

Cleaver did you read the post where OP says it was her financial prudence that means they have a house? And that he's lost them a lot of money? He may earn more but he's pissed most of it up the wall!