looks like it's over

[mylittlestar]

well after everything you will have seen so far, and my happiness at dh and i giving our marriage another go, sadly it doesn't look like that is possible anymore.

i've been feeling down the last couple of days and couldn't put my finger on it. thought it was probably a bit of paranoia. the pregnancy scare etc. but looking back dh had also become distant and withdrawn and i think i was picking up on that.

i checked his phone this morning. there was a message in his saved items to the ow. basically said of course i'll get up early to come and take you to work. i'll leave a bit early so we can have a little kiss before we set off...

confronted him. he swore he hadn't been back in touch. then has admitted that after his paranoia that i may have met someone on my work night out last week, he got back in touch with her.
don't really know much more than that and there's no point in asking as i'm not sure i could believe what he tells me anyway.

i had four main reasons for giving things another try. my love for him. the fact that anyone can make a mistake once. the fact that he swore he hated living a double life and would never want to live that way again. and finally, the fact that he said after seeing what he'd put me through, he'd never put me through that again.

just 4 weeks later he has.

to be honest i really don't want to turn this thread into a session to slag dh off. i don't understand his reasons and never will. but i do love him.

i think perhaps it's time to let my head rule my heart and make myself wake up to the fact that he doesn't love me in the same way i love him.

one day he'll realise what he's lost and what he's put me through. and i truly believe that nothing i say or do from this point on will have any impact. it's up to him now.

i've come into work to try and take my mind off it all and calm down. so i'm ok. i'm glad i have MN to get all of this out as this time i do not want one single person in RL to know. i don't want people getting at dh. i don't want people telling me 'i told you so'. i don't really want sympathy.
i'm sick of my life being one big drama after the next. i want to focus on me and ds and i want a happy quiet life filled with love and laughter. if the only way to get that is being alone with ds, then so be it. i'm truly blessed to have him.

so perhaps this thread should be about how i can now move forward without the love of my life and my soul mate....

I think he really does hate himself. I can see as he thinks of things and remembers things he did he just looks sick over it all - nothing compared to how I feel when I think of it, but at least he understands the impact and has a tiny idea what it's like for me.

Just hoping the counsellor can really help us focus on how to move forward and how to deal with it all and put it behind us. I don't want our future to be shaped by his 6 months of madness. I want our future to be the one we plan and shape together, because of what we want. Not because of anything, or anyone, else!

I will e-mail ernest and see if she gets back to me...

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not sure. for the june holiday we were thinking of just being packed up and then perhaps getting a last minute flight to Europe, whatever comes up cheap, and just going! (only couple of months left for ds to come free on flights so should make the most of it!)

then if nothing comes up just pack the car and head north or south and see where we end up!
a week away, just the 3 of us, wherever we end up, will be perfect.

we've then booked a week in Spain in September with some family so lots of godparents and cousins to help with ds!

and as for ds's 2nd bithday, it's the same weekend as my auntie's 50th (same day actually), so we're thinking of maybe a big summer party/bbq and just invite everyone! middle of August so there's a slight hope that the weather may be ok!!

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Almeria in Sept. Never been before but the family have been and found a nice family hotel by the beach, with lots of bars close by, so that sold me!!

We were thinking of moving abroad too... before all this started!! Australia though! So glad this didn't happen to me whilst stuck over there! I think we'll be staying put here for a good while now....

You're all sacked... I'm actually having to do some WORK here!!!!!

Off to meet dh soon so hope you all have a lovely weekend and catch up soon

xx

MLS

Just wanted to add that I am sure the conselling will help my H is a convert to it and it really has helped. There is a way forward and you will find it together if that is what you both want. My H returns to work soon and so I feel my honeymoon period will be over soon. It has brought a lot of the old emotions back to the top again. Just wish i could draw a line under it all and never have to hear her name again to remind me of it all. My H feels so very sorry and bad about what he has done to us all as a family and that also makes me feel sorry for him.

Good luck it can work.

MLS hope all goes well on Mon as i know you not always around at w end and i work on Mon.
let us know about Ernest think she must be having some probs as she normally says if she is going away ?
OSJ i meant the puppy
Hope everyone else ok and has a good w end x

Fantastic night last night. Managed to forget it all for the evening and it felt really good! All is well.

Have e-mailed ernest as really worried about her

Catch up soon xx

Fantastic , small steps and lot's of time

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sorry to be a drama queen. Not so good right now, miserable and confused, so not such good company so kept my head down, thank you for your concern. You're very sweet.

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Ernest you are in no way a drama queen. You've been amazing. I have just seen your email so will reply now xx

ernest sorry your un happy but glad to see your still around xx

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Evening all, am always glad to log on and see i haven't got much catching up to do, has everyone got a life
Ernest glad to see you still around, take care x
MLS hope tonight works out ok and you start to make some head way together.

Ive been learning how to use MSN live messenger now ive finally managed to register with it!

Ive put some of you down as contacts, from the fagot thread, hope you dont mind!

Ernest

have been thinking about you - as you know i am further down the line - but still recovering i really hope you are ok. It does not get easier only different IMO. Dont supress those emotions they will come back to haunt you.

You can only feel what is real to you - hope you understand that.

You are a strong woman and you can cope no matter what we all can - together we are so strong - believe that.

Take care hope to hear more from you soon as i dont know any other way to contact you.

XX

Hi hurtwife, thanks a lot for your message. Would you like to get in touch? You have helped me so much. The fact that you've already walked the path I'm on really helps to get a glimpse as to what I might be able to expect, or hearing you sagely nodding and confirming what's happening now is to be expected. A lot of us in this position have seen that these affair seem to be scripted. These stupid men all seem to follow the same pattern. My head is just all over the place. It's not very enjoyable at all! I'm hoping it's just a phase, but tbh the feelings I've got right now, this 'phase', I just can't see any way out o htem.I don't think time will change them. This has basically changed my life in a way that can never be undone or fixed I don't think. It's the powerlessness that I have that gets to me most. That the actions of these 2 people have destroyed my peace and happpiness and view of myself, my life and my decisions, past and future, such a profound affect on my life and totally out of my control. And there's no come back. And I can't just walk away or escape, but just put up with it. This so-called strength is just basically coping with shit.

Sorry, bit doom and gloomy. I think getting a job would really help, but it seems so unattainable where I am. Maybe I'm fixating on it becasue I know I can't have it. So then I wonder about moving back to UK where it'd be infinitely easier, but then I feel so strongly about giving up my home, and taking away from my kids the childhood they would and should have because these 2 people were so bloody selfish.

It's not fair!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I've not tried the msn thing. How does it work? Bit too scarily modern and techy for me, lol.

Hi mls, hope you're ok this morning. Been thinking of you. sent you email.

Hi

I'm not too great I guess. We pretty much agreed last night that it's time to go our separate ways for a while. Counselling didn't really help up with anything we don't already know. He says he wants me and ds more than anything in the world, but just doesn't have the 'ability' right now to take control, give me the assurances I need, and take the inititative to start putting things right. He said he can't explain why, and knows he should be so pleased to have the chance to keep us all together, but he just feels numb and unable to put his heart into the marriage.

I have no idea if it's the ADs that are affecting his mood. But when I said you're about to lose your wife, he just accepted it and said "sorry"... ??

So I have got up this morning with a fresh start in mind. I have done absolutely everything I can in every way. A relationship will never work if there is only one half of it making all the effort. So time to bow out gracefully and leave him to it.

In the long run what will be will be. I used to hope that some distance between us would bring us back together. But this time, I feel that some distance will be what I need to move on alone. I have everything going for me and would have made him the happiest man in the world. But sadly he cannot see it.

But don't worry about me. Hopefully you can see I'm very calm and I'm doing ok. I've fought with everything I have for this, but it's not enough. I now have that little glimmer of hope that just around the corner will be something wonderful and unexpected that I could never have imagined...

Ernest I will check my e-mail now. Glad there are people on here who are helping too. Like I said, I understand exactly how you feel. Hurtwife, Maturer and Lilyloo in particular should have all the words of wisdom you need to get you through this phase. Even scroll down this thread and read some of the posts, especially a couple from Maturer on Tues 15th May. I'm always here anytime if you need anything xx

oh mls, i am so sorry to hear the latest news.

god but it rings so many bells with my experience with H too. honestly i think it is the depression that numbs them. i remember having so many conversations around the whys and wherefores and there were never any answers other than "don't know". same thing wrt having the wherewithall to put things right, he couldn't/can't do it. no energy, no ideas, no thought process.

my h was like this before the ADs. sometimes i remember looking at his face was like looking at a blank white page. blank, completely blank.

i still haven't heard from him and of course the longer it goes on the harder it is to break the stalemate. previously these episodes have lasted about 6 weeks so as we head towards week 5 i am kidding myself with a glimmer of hope that he might pull himself out of it and get in touch in time for my birthday.

but a larger part of me thinks that this is it now, i just have to pull back and get on with my own life. if he shows up again in the future then i'll assess the situation then.

i am doing that, working hard to regain my standing in the job. selling my flat, researching where and how i want to buy when the flat is sold etc. but it's very hard and i still miss him and am very angry to think of how my dd is missing out. suffer badly from family envy LOL.

but enough of my ramblings.

whichever way this turns out, good days and bad days etc you can certainly hold your head high and have no shadow of doubt that you have given all the love and support and tolerance and faith that you could have.

if your h can't rise to that and match you (at the moment) then the responsibility for that lies with him and not you.

my friends at the weekend told me that until my h's depression lifts he will have no perspective and no ability to get his life sorted out.

i'm not prepared to wait indefinately for that to happen, but i wouldn't say the door is closed shut either.

email, text or phone if you want to talk.

xx

omg mls, I was so worried last night and so so so did not want to read this. God I don't know what to say. You must feel so numb. It's so bloody unfair that you who has worked so hard and been so brilliant should have this done to you. I am truly truly sorry and angry on your behalf.

I hope you believe your own words, about something wonderful and unexpected around the corner. It will happen. There are loads of women on this board who say exactly that.

But getting around that corner will no doubt be a scary and difficult experience, and we'll all be standing behind you, helping you.

I'm just so sorry.

Is he moving out? If so, when, and where will he go? Have you got someone there to look after you?