Why did she say this?

[Brandbrandbrandy]

I’ve been seeing someone for four months and have yet to meet his friends. We’ve been taking things slowly (my choice) because I’d recently come out of a long term relationship and wanted to take time getting to know each other first.

Recently he went a bit distant on me and I didn’t know why. But last night we had a heart to heart and he told me that he had been out with an old (female) friend and started opening up to her about me. However when he showed her a photo, she immediately said “oh no, she’s completely wrong for you”.

He admitted that it got to him and that’s why he pulled away for a couple of weeks.

I’m upset because I’ve never met her and am wondering why she would have been so negative about me.

Why would she have said that?

Is there a chance she's interested in him herself?

I don’t know. He did say he wondered if she was jealous but I don’t know why she would be jealous. They’ve been friends for years and once had a drunken snog as teenagers but they both agreed it wasn’t going anywhere.

I asked him if there was anything more between them but he swears that he doesn’t fancy her.

It sounds like jealousy. Or she wants to have complete control of him, as if she thinks of him as "hers" somehow. She had no right saying it. I'm a bit alarmed that he took her comment so seriously. Does he not have his own mind?

Why has he told you all this? If this really happened, how could you possibly benefit from knowing? And if it's made up, he wants the effect it's having on you, which is to keep you off-guard and focusing on someone else after his 'randomly going distant' thing.

I'd focus on him, not her.

How could she possibly tell what you are like from a photo - this is not about you at all. This is about her thinking she gets some say in approving girlfriends - why would she think that? Why would he listen to her opinion to the extent that if affects a new relationship?

Maybe you don't look like his past girlfriends? That shouldn't matter, especially as clearly none of them were perfect for him.

She had no right saying it. I'm a bit alarmed that he took her comment so seriously. Does he not have his own mind?

I agree with you. That’s what’s bothering me.
On the other hand I wonder if he was being swayed because I know he was concerned that I might be on the rebound and was feeling insecure.

But frankly I don’t know if I can ever feel friendly towards her if this relationship goes to the next level and I ever meet her.

OP - how old are both of you?
This all sounds so immature. He, especially.

Oh dear, I think I agree with you Josuk.

FFS I’m fucking forty. And he’s forty five. But if it makes a difference, he’s only ever had one proper relationship that ended very badly. She was his first girlfriend and when she left he vowed never to let himself get that involved again.

When I read what I’ve written back though I’m thinking WTF am I doing with this man child?

But he is gentle, sweet and kind and we’are falling in love.

I wonder if she has said that about every girlfriend he has had.

My best is he is a stand in ‘boyfriend’, (a male to go out with and hang around with) and now his attention is in you, that is going to end.

So she puts you down, sows the seeds of doubt and he is free to be her stand in boyfriend again.

I also can't believe he told you, what a knobber. Get rid op

Thinking about it, maybe she hasn't said anything, maybe he's just said it as he wants out. Either way, ditch the knobber

You don't actually know she said anything though, do you? What you do know, whether you want to admit it to yourself or not, is that he is dicking you about.

It sounds like jealousy. Or she wants to have complete control of him, as if she thinks of him as "hers" somehow. She had no right saying it. I'm a bit alarmed that he took her comment so seriously. Does he not have his own mind?

This. And also how old is him and his lady friend? 12?

OP - yes - you may be falling in love.
But a 45yo man, who goes cold on you b/c a female friend commented on your appearance - he is not.
Love doesn’t work like this.

Btw - did you inquire what specifically it was about you that made you not his type? And what HE thought about it?

He's a huge wet lettuce. Maybe his friend and her psychic powers can tell you won't stand for this crap so you're incompatible.

Not sure what's worse: him acting on her opinion or him telling you about how weak willed he is like it explains his bad manners.

All this bollocks has happened in 4 months ?

Pathetic

He went distant on you for a fortnight because of a passing comment from a friend?

You shouldn't keep falling in love with him...

Ok I’m getting the message that it’s a red flag. Am feeling pathetic and shit

OP that sounds suspiciously like a neg. Could he be trying to balance his own insecurity by making you feel the same?

I've never posted this before, but Fuck him off.
He's a fool who plays mind games. No-one needs that crap.

I can’t believe he told you that, thinking that he would come out of it looking anything other than shit! So, he immediately started questioning his 4 month relationship with you, purely on the basis of someone else’s opinion of your looks?

Or he’s lying, trying to make you jealous and/or insecure.

What did you say??

A decent man wouldn't have told this to his girlfriend. Also after that he did not see you for two weeks which confirms he was really thinking he was too good for you. And why would you need someone who makes you insecure about yourself?

Red Flags OP!
This type tell you this kind of stuff, pull away, try and keep you on the back foot in the relationship.
He has got you doubting yourself already.
You will not get anywhere with this guy, he is a manipulator and he has started his game playing...stop him in his tracks and dump him.
You deserve better
Read Lundy Bancroft "Why Does He Do That"

Don’t ever underestimate the power & influence of female friends to men.