Why did she say this?

[Brandbrandbrandy]

I’ve been seeing someone for four months and have yet to meet his friends. We’ve been taking things slowly (my choice) because I’d recently come out of a long term relationship and wanted to take time getting to know each other first.

Recently he went a bit distant on me and I didn’t know why. But last night we had a heart to heart and he told me that he had been out with an old (female) friend and started opening up to her about me. However when he showed her a photo, she immediately said “oh no, she’s completely wrong for you”.

He admitted that it got to him and that’s why he pulled away for a couple of weeks.

I’m upset because I’ve never met her and am wondering why she would have been so negative about me.

Why would she have said that?

What does this mean 'she completely wrong for you'? That she thinks you're not his type? Because he used to be attracted by skinny girls, tall girls, bigger size, bigger boobs?

Is the issue that he really likes you but isn't so sure about how much he is attracted to you physically? Frankly, if that's what he'd told me, I would have queried deeper as to what was meant by that and why it made him think.

Wait, what?? A 45 year old man went distant on you based on a snap judgement by a friend based solely on a photograph??? He then told you about it??!!

I've gone into a punctuation frenzy because I'm outraged on your behalf. If he really is as wonderful as you think then he has some serious grovelling and making up to do but I really can't help thinking he's probably not worth bothering with.

If it will help then post a photo of him and we'll all give our random opinions

Is the issue that he really likes you but isn't so sure about how much he is attracted to you physically?

Apparently it’s the opposite. He has this weird idea that he’s punching above his weight with me. And when he asked his friend what she thought, that’s when she said “she’s completely wrong for you”.

For the record, I am not beautiful. I look after myself but would regard myself as being pretty average looks wise. That’s not me being modest, I’m perfectly comfortable with the way I look. But beautiful I am not.

We are falling in love

Well - sorry rubber blunt - but he clearly isn't, and I question what your personal reasons are for falling in love with someone who treats you like this.

Who cares why she said it?

• he acted on it
• he told you about it

Save yourself some heartache and save falling in love for those that deserve it.

But he is punching above his weight with you.
Because he's an arsehole and you're not.

I wouldn't date someone who was so easily swayed by someone else's comment and unable to make up his own mind.

He's weak.

“What am I doing with this manchild?”

Well quite.

He’s 45yo and needs someone else’s validation to date you?

Don’t waste any more time.

Whilst I agree he shouldn't be so easily swayed, he has only had one proper relationship so if his friend has given him a seed of doubt or his own "red flag" and he has been thinking about whether to continue to get involved.

I wouldn't think too much of it to be honest. It's not been that long and you were taking it slowly anyway, if you like him and can see a possible future then continue it slowly for a while. There's no harm in that.

I would just be just a little wary of this woman for the fact she doesn't know you, but on the other hand is also only trying to look out for her friend, who she has seen get hurt in the past. Lets be honest, she might not think you are his type at all, but once she gets to know you she can see for herself.

He is triangulating you both. This is not a nice man.

He isn't 45. He is 18!

Agree with AnyFucker life's far too short for this shit four months in. If he's so spineless he'd go cold on you over a comment like that do you really want to stick around for years of more drama involving this friend? Next!

I think he took what she said as a sign that she might be interested after all and if she his, that would be his first option, hence backing off from you.

Even if that's way off the mark the whole thing from people in their 40s is ridiculous and a clear sign that you're better off getting rid.

I'm with everyone else - who cares what she said but he 'pulled away' because of it - yawn, way too old/intelligent/mature for that kind of BS, what a turn off - i'd be outta there!

I’m sorry but I would dump him for that.

OK - what he said could be true or it could be made up/exaggerated. Either way it's not good.

If it's true, there are two MASSIVE issues - that he told you about it at all (a bit nasty and manipulative and designed to under mine your sense of security in the relationship) and also that a man in his 40s would take a blind bit of notice of the views of someone based on JUST a photo! That's crackers. How much can you tell from a photo really?

If it's not true or exaggerated, see above about nasty and manipulative x 1million. The only possible benign explanation is that he had pulled away for other legitimate reasons (cold feet, passing interest in another woman, scared of commitment) and didn't want to tell you the truth because he thought it would turn you off/send you running SO he made up this crap instead. Chances of that I would rate as low anyway and it still makes him an idiot.

Not really sure whether there is any sensible advice to be given here now. The best thing to do would have been to discuss it at the time when he said it - as in "I'm quite bothered by the fact you'd place so much weight on an opinion based just on a photograph AND that you are telling me about it. Why did you tell me? Why would you place so much weight on this?" And then listen.

The moments gone now and I fear if you bring it up now it will look like you've been mulling over something v trivial and it will make you look insecure.

It is not what she said but how he reacted. If a man likes a woman it doesn't matter what anyone says, even a thousand naysayers won't deter him from being with her.
She uttered one silly sentence about you without ever having met you in person and now he is unsure about the two of you? If a man is so weak in his mind and easily influenced by others, do you really want to be with him?

Even if he hasnr come out with this crap...
He's 45, with one girlfriend behind him who hurt him so he's never dated since?
Yeah, could happen to a perfectly lovely person.
But I'd grab one of the selection of red flags there to wrap my pinch (mountain) of salt in.
Run!

You don't 'go cold' on someone if you're falling in love with them !

He’s a weak willed numpty or he’s a manipulative arse hole. Is this what you want?

I’ve ended it.

Just curious. When you ended it did he say ‘l’m not surprised - you were not right for me’.......

Sorry Brand, but also, well done for knowing your worth

Sorry it didn't turn out the way you'd hoped, but I give you huge props for ending it. Good for you.

Two possibilities:

1. she's into him
2. there is a visible (in the photo) difference in age/class/degree of attractiveness/race etc. between the two of you. Given his reaction I would imagine it is the second. Do you know which photograph it was? It may just be very unflattering in some way. Are the two of you very different in some way?

well..... I think you've made the right decision... for YOU Lady.... someone who goes cold because his mate thinks your all wrong.. before even meeting you .. is a grade A Dick......

you will meet someone worthy of your time