There's no rational explanation is there?

[uncoolnn]

I'm hoping this makes sense as I'm just writing as things come into my head.

Me and DP have been together just over 12 months. All well and good until about a month ago when I started noticing small changes in his behaviour, e.g. secretive, evasive etc.

It's come to a head today as we've both been off work (we don't live together) and I suggested we do something today. He said no, that he wanted a day to himself as he gets no time to himself anymore. Ok, fair enough. All good.

However, call it sixth sense but something didn't add up. I asked what he was up to (not unusual as I do most days) and he said he was just chilling at home. I had a horrible sense he was lying to me so unbeknown to him I drove past his house. His car wasn't there.

I decided to call him. After much trying to wriggle out of it he eventually admitted he had gone to see a female friend. Now, I know this woman, I had never suspected anything before. However the fact he's lied about it suggests there's something to hide?

In my heart I know there's probably not another rational explanation but just wanted some impartial opinions.

I think what is hurting is that he ended it before you. You were feeling determined to knock it on the head before.
Be thankful that you discovered & move on,

I found out his friends have been saying things behind his back because he used to spend time with them on a Friday night but since we'd been together, due to work etc, Friday night was the only night we were able to see each other. Sometimes we spent time together with his friends but lately that hadn't happened and it had just been me and him.

He said he felt he was having to choose between me and his friends. I'm angry that his friends never thought to consider other circumstances but I guess I Understand what it must have looked like to them. It honestly wasn't me trying to stop him spending time with them, it was genuinely the only time we could find together.

He chose his friends. I get that. They're important.

I think a breakup will mostly always hurt, whoever ends it. Give it 2 weeks and you'll come out of the other side of the "i miss him so much " and you'll be relieved its over. Well done to you having the mental strength to be prepared to end it. Having strong boundaries is very good.

So sorry for how sad 😢 you are feeling uncool but of course this is natural, whether you finished with him or him you.
I know it wont help at this moment but most of us have felt this pain and upset so we understand how you feel at this moment.

Talk on here, if it helps.

Did you both do shift work, work long hours, have caring commitments or extra studies or lived far apart or something that caused such low contact time. As one night a week seems quite pitiful.

He is a HGV driver so long days. I work shifts. We had Friday night and Saturday together.

It's hard for any relationship when both work such unsociable hours. Being truthful, I don't think that I could have a relationship when I could only see them on Friday night and Saturday. It wasnt much really, was it?
Then, of course. If the only free night is a Friday and it is "mates" night as well. . It's going to be really difficult to keep the relationship going.
Well girl....... You know what you have to do next Friday night! Glad rags on!
Looking effing fabulous! And hit those pubs, clubs or wherever.
If you havnt any mates where you live, could you visit a mate have a night out and stay over?
Or, (don't know job) ask around at work If anyone fancies going out.

Most guys will make a relationship work around their friends. It's not usually 'Friday nights or relationship '. It sounds like his friends were uncompromising and immature and so was he. You are better than him op and you will meet someone who appreciates you and is ready to prioritise someone they love.

He's messaged me today. He still wants to be "friends". I haven't replied, I don't necessarily want him totally out of my life; as I said, we were friends first, but I'm not ready just now.

I hope he's not after friends with benefits!

It doesn't sound like it. And if he is, he'll be getting a firm no from me!

Just say thanks but no thanks to being friends it takes a lot if work to be friends with an ex and it's not usually worth it

Actually my work colleagues have surprised me. A few of them know and I've had 3 really lovely messages from people I work with. Didn't realise they cared

I hope he's not after friends with benefits!
This ^
He chose his friends over you, but wants you to be a friend too?
I read that as keeping you on the back burner, ready for when he fancies a shag, tbh.

It did cross my mind. I know he's with his friends now so no doubt his "mates" will be having a celebration that I'm out of the picture. That hurts. All I did was try to spend time with my boyfriend.

So glad that your work colleagues are rallying! Go out with them next Friday!

Think I will! One woman has already offered to be my 'date' for the Xmas party in 2 weeks that he was supposed to be coming to!

How do you know he's with his mates now? I hope you're not stalking him via social media. Where he is, or what he's doing is now no concern of yours (said with kindness). Your concern should be living your best life, filled with people who value you - he doesn't. Block, delete, unfriend, whatever it takes. Don't give him headspace. I have a feeling he's offering the crumbs of friendship to have you hoping he'll come back to you - and hoping to have sex with you when he feels like it, which will be horrible for you.

Please don't let this happen. Better a short sharp pain now, than the 'death by a thousand cuts' of being with someone who values 'mates' over a loving girlfriend.

Not stalking, it appeared on my Facebook news feed before. I have now muted him and whichever of his friends I have on there.

It's just great that women stick together and support each other like this. What lovely colleagues you have. Think of this as a new beginning, don't look back at him.

Ahhhhh well done OP! hope you have a fabulous time at the Xmas party with your colleague!

Thank you itsonkyme and Anne

It is quite convenient that he finished with you because of his friends who want to see more of him. On the day after that you caught him lying to you and going to see this female friend.

Don't get fixated on this 'friends' thing. It is an excuse.

He dumped you before you could dump him. And blamed it on his friends because he didn't want an awkward conversation about him lying to you and seeing his female friend. Rather than take responsibility for his own actions, he is throwing his friends under the bus.

I don't doubt that the 'friends' have been talking, but that's probably because he has been badmouthing you rather than them objecting to him seeing a girlfriend one night per week.

Forget about the friends, they are a red herring. Don't let him rewrite history with him cast as the tragic hero caught between his friends and his woman.

Your relationship finished because he got bored, lied to you, and went looking elsewhere. That's the reality.

Thanks pop. You're right, it's all very convenient. He said he was happy when he 'wanted' to spend time with me - we did things together every weekend, I always asked if he wanted to do these things if I had suggested them. He always said yes. And now he's throwing it in my face because apparently "he was trying to keep me happy". Well look how that ended.

How old are these friends of his? They sound really juvenile tbh. And so does he. If you want to make a relationship to work enough and there are no other underlying issues then you make it work somehow. I get a sense from what you e said that he doesn't want the commitment with you but wants to remain in contact, "let's be friends" text for example. Which is basically just a guise for friends with benefits, as somebody else suggested.

I'm not sure he was 100% committed to your relationship. I'm sorry to say that and I know how painful these things could be. But you sound lovely and I don't think you'll stand for any BS. Which is great because I suspect you'll be hearing from him again at some point. Stay strong. Xx