There's no rational explanation is there?

[uncoolnn]

I'm hoping this makes sense as I'm just writing as things come into my head.

Me and DP have been together just over 12 months. All well and good until about a month ago when I started noticing small changes in his behaviour, e.g. secretive, evasive etc.

It's come to a head today as we've both been off work (we don't live together) and I suggested we do something today. He said no, that he wanted a day to himself as he gets no time to himself anymore. Ok, fair enough. All good.

However, call it sixth sense but something didn't add up. I asked what he was up to (not unusual as I do most days) and he said he was just chilling at home. I had a horrible sense he was lying to me so unbeknown to him I drove past his house. His car wasn't there.

I decided to call him. After much trying to wriggle out of it he eventually admitted he had gone to see a female friend. Now, I know this woman, I had never suspected anything before. However the fact he's lied about it suggests there's something to hide?

In my heart I know there's probably not another rational explanation but just wanted some impartial opinions.

Hurtful that he lied I get that but have a good chat with him before ending it. Who is this female friend? A new friend of before you came along 12 months ago?

He's known her longer than I've known him. I'm not opposed to him seeing his friends in the slightest, hence why I said I wouldn't have questioned it, it's just that he's lied about seeing her and he's always very secretive when he messages her. They speak daily.

I've always thought that the amount they're in contact is odd. I've never read any of the messages between them as before yesterday I never had any reason to suspect anything.

Having spent all night thinking about it, the lying plus the fact he's blown me off to spend time with another woman, when we don't get much time together anyway (we see each other 1 night a week) is really hurtful.

Always trust your gut instinct op; it's rarely wrong

‘Having spent all night thinking about it, the lying plus the fact he's blown me off to spend time with another woman, when we don't get much time together anyway (we see each other 1 night a week) is really hurtful.’

Op you’ve answered your own questions there.

Unfortunately seeing her is so important to him that he CHOSE to spend his day off with her rather than you and LIED about it.

Get rid he ain’t worth the brain space.

You only see each other once a week and he preferred to be with someone else than you on a day off because even once a week is too much and he needed space

He’s putting far more into his relationship with her than he is with you do you’d be wasting your time and opportunities to find better if you stayed committed to him.

Has he had nightmare controlling ex’s that have shaped his way of thinking?

There is more than friendship going on between them.

Wants to have his cake and eat it by the sounds of it. The relationship with her is clearly not 'enough' so he had you, the one with you isn't .'enough' to be without her. Is he trying to make his ideal women out of parts of two or more I wonder.

Either you're a controlling nightmare or he has a guilty conscience. I leave it to you to determine which. Either way sounds like the relationship is over.

Hang on a minute.

He could have changed his mind and gone to see his mate without first checking in with you to say that his plans had changed. Can you imagine if he'd called you up to say "hi uncool, I know I said I was just going to chill at hopmer today, but it turns out x is off today too, so I'm going round to her's for some lunch and a catch up. I just thought I would let you know.' Can you imagine?

I wouldn't end things over just this on ething- it's certainly nmo smoking gun.

HOWEVER, if there is in fact a backstory involving him becoming secretive and distant, then, coupled with today's events, it does look suspicious. I think you certainly need to have a chat with him to work out what's going on. you don't sound all that bothered, which says to me that, after only 12 months, you should perhaps just call it a day anyway.

*hopmer = home, bloody ipad.

He hasnt blown you off to spend time with another woman hes blown you off to spend time with a friend (the fact that shes female shouldnt matter)
I would also have no issue with how frequently they spoke/text, I speak to my friends most days.
The matter here is he has lied to you, more than once. Unless you were someone who would kick off or make it difficult for him to spend time with either:
A) his friends
B) this friend in particular because she is female
C) time alone
All of which are perfectly acceptable then I have no plausible reason for why he would lie to you, over and over.
So yes I would also assume he had something to hide and on this basis it sounds like you can do a lot better.

I've always thought that the amount they're in contact is odd
So you would have probably question it.

There are only two options:

• the one you fear (but then why would he admit it to you in the end rather than moving on to yet a bigger lie?)
• or he did think that you would question it and give him a hard time. Maybe she's not well, maybe she's in trouble and need to speak to him and he just wanted to be there for her.

Saying that, maybe nothing has been going on, but this meeting will be the trigger of something.

You need to say it as it is and get him to say more about it, which even if he tries to make you feel bad about it, is your right to know. If he is too defensive, too secretive about it, or appear to be lying, struggling to respond clearly to your question, then you will know the answer.

He's interested in her.

I'd expect she isn't as interested in him, but enjoys the attention etc... Bin him off.

Are you ok?

Thanks for everyone's replies. As it happens, he ended it with me last night before I had chance to end it with him. I didn't think it would hurt this much

uncoolnn, so sorry to hear this. Well, not sorry that the relationship has ended, but sorry for you hurting so much. Please take care. You will find somebody better.

Thanks Leila. The trouble is I don't have that many friends, and none near to me so I don't have anyone to talk to about this so I'm really struggling now. It's helping to write it down.

Uncoolnn, sorry to hear this.
It doesn't feel like it now but this is actually a good outcome for you.If you hadn't dug a bit deeper yesterday he could have strung this out for who knows how long... be kind to yourself

I'm sorry he's hurt you like this OP. You are well out of this but of course you need a bit of time to heal.

Having been there myself a while back I'd recommend for the first week avoid alcohol, eat well (healthy but delicious) and care for yourself (nails /face mask / whatever floats your boat)

Thank you everyone