Can I do this?

[BeautifulLiar]

My parents (mother in particular) have ALWAYS been abusive, manipulative and violent to me (the violence when I was younger). I was still well and truly under their control until February 2012 when I had some counselling and realised I was a grown woman and could say no to them!

Well, I tried. I stopped answering their calls and soon got threatening voicemails etc. Then they got a fucking solicitor and demanded access to my children, who at the time were 3 and 1. I was pregnant with my third, and married to an abusive, violent man, so was absolutely terrified by these letters and due to bad advice from my solicitor gave in to these demands and allowed contact on the first weekend of every month.

I always, always said these visits were about control. My mum doesn't even particularly like children! Anyway there were often incidents, like her shouting at the DC, calling them a nuisance, leaving one in bed while she took the others out, hitting a 2yo because she wet herself.

My dad moved to the other side of the world for work - and is still there now - and I have seen her another child but my mum has always refused to have all four, and for the past few years has completely ignored the "first weekend of the month" agreement, and only had them if it suits her, eg "I will be picking them up three hours late because I am training for a marathon". To me this all proves they never actually wanted the children, but they would NOT let me make a decision for myself.

Things have really come to a head this year, due to some of the following reasons:

1. I'm no longer married to my awful ex (who, coincidentally, my parents love) and am now with a lovely, kind, gentle man who would do anything for me and the DC. It's really started to make me see who is good for the DC and who isn't.

2. she has gone well beyond just letting the DC down because she's busy. Eg last month she demanded having the girls for one day each, but the boy for two days and nights (she's always preferred the boy). My DS is 9 so I asked what HE wanted to do - did he want to spend two nights with Grandma, or one night and still see his dad on the Friday as he usually does? He chose to be able to see his dad, and my mum lost it, and refused to see any of the DC

3. other incidents including her demanding last week that I went to her house and picked up a birthday present for DD2. I said why don't you stop it off while DP is here with me, or just post it, because we won't have time to get to yours today? She went ape shit and started texting me things like "how could you do this to DD2? It's unbelievable. What has she done to deserve you treating her like this?" I had to block her number in the end because the manipulation was making me really upset!

4. other major incidents eg last summer I met her in a shopping centre and we had a disagreement. She said "here's the children's holiday money!" and threw money (notes, not coins) into my four month old babys face as she laid in her pram, then stormed off, leaving me to juggle four DC and numerous bags and suitcases while I tried not to break down.

There is a whole lot more - I could write for hours! But basically my DP and I have decided to move in together. Things are moving a lot faster than we'd expected and we could potentially have the keys by mid December. At the minute my mum's number is blocked (she was sending me more shit yesterday). The place we're moving to is an hour away from her. I really, really want to risk never unblocking her number again and just moving on with our lives. The DC are not bothered about seeing her! But I'm absolutely terrified of her still, and I'm so scared that she'll find out where I live and the solicitors letters will start again.

I am so, so much healthier without her in my life

Please, no one have a go at me!

Just move, and never speak to her again.

She has no right to have contact with your children, and if she's stupid enough to send a solicitors letter, tell them what you've told us

Also, strangely - she is very quick to criticise me but WILL NOT hear bad word about my ex husband, even though he was violent to me and the children, disappeared on coke benders when I was pregnant, wrote off my car drunk while I was 8 months pregnant, left me with four DC including a newborn, and since leaving 19 months ago has seen them a handful of time and changes jobs every month so he can get out of paying maintenance. My family actually rented one of their houses out to him!! It really fucking hurts writing that, but I suppose it just paints more of a picture of who she is

I will, redbuss, but they have endless pots of money to throw at solicitors, and the letters won't stop, I know they won't. She HAS to be in control

She loved your ex cos he was like an extension of her ability to abuse you.

Definitely get her out of your life and your children's lives. You'll all do better without her. I would write a record with dates you can remember of incidents with the children and keep it, both as a reminder and potential backup if she did go back to court. But yes, up and leave, no forwarding address and lock down your social media.

Well she’s in control at the moment because you’re letting her be. You’re moving anyway so she won’t know where you live. If you get a new number and set up a new email then she won’t have those. If she starts harassing you with letters somehow then you can apply for a non-mol order. She doesn’t have any rights to you or your children so it’s up to you to stop giving her voluntary headspace. You can do it, you just need to stop believing that you’ll fail.

Hi OP.
You don't have to respond to solicitors letters. She has no rights to your children. Full stop.

It would be helpful if you...
A. Changed your number
B. Didnt tell her your new address etc

That would make it easier to go completely no contact

category - that's exactly what I think. I had a boyfriend for a year before meeting exH who was also abusive. She loved him and regularly persuaded me to go back to him. I had no DC with him no finished with him and went no contact but he would stalk me in any way possible - including sending letters to my mum's house. She LOVED it. One Christmas she was gleefully telling me, in front of my child, that he had "sent two Christmas cards, and she'd read the one to me, and guess what? He's going to murder me! But he also sent one to her, and that was all hers, so she would not be binning it like I'd asked". Fucking freak. I don't have any social media so that's good

What the other respondents have written.

You ended up with someone like your ex because your abusive parents groomed you to accept someone like that as your husband. Fortunately for you he now has been given his marching orders.

Fear, obligation and guilt are but three of many damaging legacies such abusive people leave to their now adult offspring. Deal with your FOG properly now through seeing a therapist and one importantly who has no bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment.

She does not need to know that you are moving and you can and should block her completely now. She has no automatic rights of access to see her grandchildren either and I think the onus is very much on her to prove that such a relationship would be beneficial. Any further attempt will fail.

She has no legal right to see the children. It doesn’t matter how much she spends on Solicitors. She doesn’t have any rights.

First Grandparents only get contact if they have had extensive contact and care in the past.

Second all contact (in England and Wales) is done for the benefit of the children not adults involved. The children do particularly want to see her. Haven’t spent extensive time with her in the past (eg lived with her). And she doesn’t want to see them all equally, but harmfully favours some over others.

I would suggest you: get some counselling. I really hope you have sorted some of your past issues. You could do with doing the freedom programme. It is no coincidence that having grown up with your mother you ended up with your ex husband.

You seem to be in FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) and the Stately Homes threads might help.

newday would I absolutely have to change my number if I've just blocked hers? It would be a ball ache to change it! I've had it years.but what would happen if I ignored letters and she applied to court? I couldn't ignore that! So scared

Thanks angel. I definitely believe I'll fail - it's an automatic thought for me

Thanks beka. I assumed all this last time. But my solicitor said she WILL get contact because I'd sometimes let her look after my son when he was younger. Of course I fucking did! I was a clueless single mum at 29, and she made me think I had to let her have him! She looked after him once when he was a breastfeeding baby, but as soon as I got home I missed him, so drove straight to see him before bedtime. She was FURIOUS. He was in the bath, and she made my dad block the stairs, and was screaming at me to "get out, fuck off, he's not yours when he's here!" Oh my god I'd forgotten that. But I TOLD my solicitor this. She seemed to think my mum was a stereotypical knitting, cuddly granny and I was a bitch for stopping contact

If it got as far as court. Then come back here (and post in legal) and you will get advice on how to represent yourself in court (if you can’t afford representation), and how to get the children’s interests represented. You can do this!

But it is unlikely to get that far.

19*!! Not 29

Your previous solicitor was wrong - and a disgrace.

Thank you Atilla. She has no idea I'm moving and this could be my chance to escape

Not all solicitors are good or right.

Once the letters starts go to CAB. They should know what they're doing

beka she actually said to me in December 2012

"Oh please let your parents have contact before Christmas. I bet they've got bags and bags of presents waiting for the children!"

Keep a timeline and send it back in letter form in answer to any solicitors letter.

It may make you feel bette Ethan just ignoring them.

Something like Dear Sir, I cannot agree to contact for these reasons.... and then list your timeline. Everything you can think of. Then you're not ignoring but neither are you engaging.

I knew plenty of shit lawyers in my time. You got a shit one

She's shot her load anyway cos you agree to contact and she just dicked about. You've given her a chance already

Redbuss that's a fab idea! And yes I've given her five years of chances. Even the first ever time they had them my dad was late bringing them back and the baby's nappy was absolutely sodden. Oh another thing! My mum brought them back FROM SHOPS WITH KIDS CLOTHES IN with DD1 having wet herself and walked around in wet knickers and trousers. All that money and she couldn't even get some £2 leggings from Tesco to go home in. Then she said to my ex (who used to meet her for handovers) "I bet SHE will have a massive fit about the wet knickers! You know what she's like!"

Stay the fuck away from her. She deserves nothing from you. If you let your kids be with her, that would be disgusting. It’ll be hard to keep her st distance but you seem like you’re pretty strong so stand your ground. Good luck with house move.

Thank you Angry. Oh trust me, I don't know why I wasn't strong enough to keep the kids away from them. I was terrified my mum would brainwash them against me. My dad called me a "fucking cunt" in front of a then 3yo and he's generally the nicer of the pair. My mum will fuck them up like she has done to me. Why can't courts see this?!

Oh another thing:

I was breastfeeding a newborn at parent's house and 2yo tripped and fell upstairs (huge house and I was downstairs but my mum was right near him). He was crying and I called "hang on sweetheart" because I needed to get baby off the breast. My mum went racing towards him and picked him up saying "it's ok baby, Nana has got you. Don't expect your mother to get off her fat arse and see if you're ok!!" (I'm a size 8, for context!) How fucking damaging is that to a little boy??

(Sorry if these memories are getting a bit boring, but at least I'll have this thread in the future when I need to remember things!!)

Grandparents do not have automatic rights. You have every right to move and go no contact