Can I do this?

[BeautifulLiar]

My parents (mother in particular) have ALWAYS been abusive, manipulative and violent to me (the violence when I was younger). I was still well and truly under their control until February 2012 when I had some counselling and realised I was a grown woman and could say no to them!

Well, I tried. I stopped answering their calls and soon got threatening voicemails etc. Then they got a fucking solicitor and demanded access to my children, who at the time were 3 and 1. I was pregnant with my third, and married to an abusive, violent man, so was absolutely terrified by these letters and due to bad advice from my solicitor gave in to these demands and allowed contact on the first weekend of every month.

I always, always said these visits were about control. My mum doesn't even particularly like children! Anyway there were often incidents, like her shouting at the DC, calling them a nuisance, leaving one in bed while she took the others out, hitting a 2yo because she wet herself.

My dad moved to the other side of the world for work - and is still there now - and I have seen her another child but my mum has always refused to have all four, and for the past few years has completely ignored the "first weekend of the month" agreement, and only had them if it suits her, eg "I will be picking them up three hours late because I am training for a marathon". To me this all proves they never actually wanted the children, but they would NOT let me make a decision for myself.

Things have really come to a head this year, due to some of the following reasons:

1. I'm no longer married to my awful ex (who, coincidentally, my parents love) and am now with a lovely, kind, gentle man who would do anything for me and the DC. It's really started to make me see who is good for the DC and who isn't.

2. she has gone well beyond just letting the DC down because she's busy. Eg last month she demanded having the girls for one day each, but the boy for two days and nights (she's always preferred the boy). My DS is 9 so I asked what HE wanted to do - did he want to spend two nights with Grandma, or one night and still see his dad on the Friday as he usually does? He chose to be able to see his dad, and my mum lost it, and refused to see any of the DC

3. other incidents including her demanding last week that I went to her house and picked up a birthday present for DD2. I said why don't you stop it off while DP is here with me, or just post it, because we won't have time to get to yours today? She went ape shit and started texting me things like "how could you do this to DD2? It's unbelievable. What has she done to deserve you treating her like this?" I had to block her number in the end because the manipulation was making me really upset!

4. other major incidents eg last summer I met her in a shopping centre and we had a disagreement. She said "here's the children's holiday money!" and threw money (notes, not coins) into my four month old babys face as she laid in her pram, then stormed off, leaving me to juggle four DC and numerous bags and suitcases while I tried not to break down.

There is a whole lot more - I could write for hours! But basically my DP and I have decided to move in together. Things are moving a lot faster than we'd expected and we could potentially have the keys by mid December. At the minute my mum's number is blocked (she was sending me more shit yesterday). The place we're moving to is an hour away from her. I really, really want to risk never unblocking her number again and just moving on with our lives. The DC are not bothered about seeing her! But I'm absolutely terrified of her still, and I'm so scared that she'll find out where I live and the solicitors letters will start again.

I am so, so much healthier without her in my life

Please, no one have a go at me!

but what would happen if I ignored letters and she applied to court? I couldn't ignore that! So scared
Firstly if she has no way of getting your new address you may never get letters.

In any case do the full timeline as suggested previously. Keep all evidence that supports it such as texts emails etc.

That's your representation for court if it ever got there. There are experts posting on munsnet who would advise you on thr legal matters forum.

It's a scary thought but really, you have nothing to fear from court.

You haven’t been to court yet. You just talk d to one ignorant or possibly abusive themselves solicitor. A Judge would probably dismiss this out of hand.

Now work on your FOG.

Solicitors will write whatever you ask. Ignore any solicitors letters you receive. They’re requests, not court orders.

I mean - your mum’s solicitor is writing whatever SHE asks.

newday - if the DC's dad can be arsed to see them in a contact centre, they will probably tell him the village we live in. He could tell my mum. And I wouldn't put it past her to drive round until she spots my car. It's a small village! Thank you though. I don't have exact dates of events but I wouldn't lie and I'll never change my story!

Beka god I hope you're right. I don't want any FOG because of them. They hate me because I've escaped but I know I'm not a bad person

I’d change your number. Blocking her number will not stop her getting a new SIM card and trying your number again, but she can’t do this if you’ve changed your number.

This sounds awful.
Please change your number though.
You may have blocked her but all she needs to do is find use of another phone and she can continue with her abuse.
I'm so glad you are getting away and have a good man now.
You know you totally deserve all the happiness in the world.
So take it and block out anyone who brings any kind of negativity to your life!
Well done!

Even if she does find out where you live you will gain breathing and thinking space.

And do reread that post because it doesn’t sound like a Mother but a stalker.
If she hassles you in your new place there are steps you can take. But take the break from her when you can.

You can do this!
Can’t believe you ended you’re original post thinking people would have a go at you!!!!
Your parents sound awful, just run far away and yes change your number at some point as if your Mum rings from another number you might answer it.
Stay strong and don’t let them near your kids

Stay away from people who bring you pain and are toxic. It doesn't matter if they're related to you. If you wouldn't accept this treatment from a friend you sure as hell shouldn't accept it from your own mother.

I'd encourage you to consider being estranged from her. Contact the charity stand alone, who do really good therapeutic work with people living with family estrangement. All of this response to her is just feeding the drama, time to step away and protect yourself and your family!

She has no rights to see your children.

Also, are you sure about moving in with your boyfriend? You've not been together that long and you have 4 kids. Will you make yourself dependant on him? If you do move in with him, make sure you're in a position to leave if it doesn't work out .

Op my lovely, she absolutely cannot see your children at whim!

When you move into your new home, go to the new council and ensure your name is removed from the public register. So, if she goes around looking, she won't find you that way.

She has no legal rights over your children, she is not their parent.

If you have any more problems from her solicitor please come on MN and post in the legal section, you will get plenty of great advice.

Thank you hells. What a lovely post xx

I didn't really think about her trying me on other numbers. Plus I have blocked my ex husband but he has contacted me on a different number fairly recently. We don't need to be in contact.

Never heard of Alone, thank you.

PeaPod don't I need to be on the electoral roll though? Or did you mean something different?

You can be on the electoral role but “hidden” - like I am!

Thanks - I didn't know that!
Ok so re number change - at the risk of sounding stupid, apart from friends who do I need to remember to tell my new number?! I bet it's on loads of systems etc. I've just filled in all the children's new school forms with my current number on...

She has no legal rights over your children. She's not their parent. You are.

With rights come responsibilities. You have a responsibility to protect your children from your absolutely terrible mother. It's great that you are starting to see that her parenting / grandparenting is not normal or acceptable. Your posts read as though you still need a lot more convincing of this - do you think some more counselling would be beneficial to help you frame how you'd like your future to look?

You've come so far - it's so, so hard to accept that a parent was, frankly, shit . You and your children deserve much better than this, and you need to work on strategies for a) believing and accepting this, and b) cutting your mother out of all your lives.

Think of it this way: do you want your children to suffer in the same way you did?

You can cut her out of your lives. You need to work on believing that you can do this, and accepting that you have a right to do this!

Well done so far, and good luck with the future

Another memory:

Last time she had the DC (well, the eldest three, she won't take all four) she got DS a cheese spread sandwich. He hates them. I appreciate fussy children can be a pain but he has autism so it's a massive sensory issue with him. She refused to go and get him anything different, removed all the treats from in front of him and MADE him take a bite. He said he then ran off to "play" at the park but actually went and spat the sandwich out. Enough money to threaten me with court but can't get an autistic boy a sandwich that won't cause him distress? God I hate her...

Mrs I do need help believing it. I really do. That solicitor didn't help either! The counsellor did, but I can't afford that until we've settled into the house etc. All money is going towards that atm!

Good point re responsibilities. I really shouldn't be sending them to her should I?

I'd go as far as changing my name by deedpoll to stop her finding you.

She's truly horrific.

Change your number...your email...and the kid's phone numbers if they have phones. Speak to their schools about not putting their names in any public documents.

I googled my niece (long story) and her name came up as having won an award at school... I was shocked she could be identified that way.

You can do this

Sandy that's so scary you can find children so easily that way. Wow. Funnily enough I did think of changing my name, because I'm getting divorced anyway, but it would be a shame to have a different name to the children's.

I wasn't expecting people to see her as so... I don't know... Dangerous! Really thought everyone was going to say that kids need grandparents etc.

BeautifulLiar no you shouldn't be sending your children to your mother, she is abusing them. But I totally understand why it's taking you a while to see this. Childhood conditioning is so powerful, and it's human nature to want to trust and love our parents. Its hard-wired into us, and it's a very very hard thing to break.

You've done so well to get where you are, and starting this thread was a really brave thing to do. Hopefully all our posts will give you a little faith that you are perfectly within your legal rights to stop your mother having contact with your children. The solicitor's letter about contact was, as others have said, just a letter, which your mother paid for. It has no legal weight whatsoever.

If it helps - in the future, you children will look back on their childhood and they will remember that you stopped their grandmother harming them (emotional harm can be just as damaging, if not more so, than physical harm, as you well know). They will know that you put them first and that you protected them.

Can you get a referral for counselling via your GP? Or are you able to self-refer for counselling to your local social services / mental health gateway? (We have this system where I live). Your GP receptionist could probably tell you whether this is an option in your area. Xx

I hope the DC do see when they're older that I always put them first. The girls are going to end up with no grandparents :( (DS has a different father and his grandparents are fab).

I can self refer actually, but obviously as I'm moving it would be best to wait until we're in the new area x