New baby is coming to a filthy house full of slugs

[EmilyGB]

My son lives about 150 miles away with his DP and their son (2) with a new baby on the way in 2 months. The place (rented house) is really, REALLY awful - loose dirt mixed with child's toys all over floors, mould on walls, piles of mess with nothing ever picked up or put away, filthy kitchen with washing-up and food left for days, leaking loo with loose seat, bags of kitchen rubbish in entrance room, and worst of all every night about 30 huge slugs crawl around in the kitchen, on worktops, on 'clean' washed plates which are then used to serve food on, etc. Once my son gets back from work, all they do is cook dinner then sit around on their mobile phones or watch DVDs while I play with my grandson. I've tried tidying at night while they're asleep, offered to help, or even to tidy it myself, and my son was offended and said I shouldn't criticise because it's their house. My son and his DP are perfectly happy with the mess and filth, don't like the house but they can't move as rent is cheap and they are poor. I suggested they must be busy having a blitz to get the house clean for the baby and he said there was no need to clean yet as it wasn't due for two months. He wasn't joking. I try hard not to upset them, I like my future DIL a lot but she had dysfunctional parents who never showed her what a nice home was like. I feel she should tidy it because my son works full-time, and he should help at evenings/weekends, but they've made it clear my opinion is not wanted so now I don't say anything, just smile, eat politely off the sluggy plates and then cry and be sick on the way home. I blame myself for not bringing my son up to expect the house tidy - but ours wasn't dirty and disgusting, just a bit messy and homely. I live in fear that social workers will take my grandson away. I'm moving house right now, will be 250 miles away soon, so can only visit about every 6 months.

I really wouldn't hire a cleaner for them. It takes the responisibilty away and i think it has potential to make them worse as they will think oh the cleaner will sort it.

But the thing is you need to think k of the children and a deep clean may help them see the way and clear stuff.

You need to think of the children not whether you are just pandering to the parents.

If the dil is 2 months away from giving birth it is unlikely that she will be able to do really heavy cleaning.

OP hope you are ok, do they have their friends and family who can help out?

Thank you all for your answers so far. Especially the person who suggested the RSPCA because the slugs shouldn't have to live in such filth - that the first time I've felt like laughing about the situation!

I'm not able to visit very often as my new DH is disabled and has MH issues so I don't like to leave him for long and he can't go that far. I am also extremely hard up (until we sell our house which should sort that problem) so can't afford the journey. We're moving to be near my 82-yo Mum who also needs my help.

I would happily go up there, stay for 2 weeks and clean the place up without their help. He works all day, she is pregnant, it would give me pleasure to do it.

The overwhelming consensus is that I should offer again and then contact SS if they still refuse.

I've been so afraid of alienating them forever, but I think I must just be brave and try again in a kind and loving way. There's no way I would refer them to SS as my son would lose his job (in a school) if he was prosecuted.

If someone doesn't accept help, there isn't much point in giving it. In order for the intervention to be effective, then they need to accept things aren't that great. She almost certainly can't do all the work herself being 7 mo pregnant, and why should she, there are two adults in the house. But if they don't accept they need to change, and you deep clean the house, it will be an absolute pit again in no time.

@EmilyGB
You’ve really got your hands full have t you I don’t think for one minute a you making a decision re child services is an easy one. If your son works at a school could you flip the situation and ask him what he would think if a student was living in the conditions his ds is ? It might hit home. I feel for you I really do I think the overwhelming opinion on this thread is that the children must come first xx

emilygb have you got any friends that could help you as a favour to you.

You obviously have enough on.

You sound like a fantastic mum and mil and I can only hope your son and dil realise that and realise you are coming from a place of love.

Also letting your son know that his job could be at risk due to the state of their house could make him see sense.

It'll be better for you to call SS then a HV or midwife.

They wouldn't automatically be prosecuted, more likely helped, and kept an eye on. Your GC will really not be safe in this environment. If they don't want to change, then may need to be forced to.

OP - I don’t agree with the SS route personally. But do agree with your intervention. They might not even see it? There are things that can make life easier.
You haven’t elaborated on what the home ec’s are? Dishwasher; dryer?

Would the health nurse not visit after baby is born? ( dont know if they do that in UK?) Then she might intervene when she sees state of place.

Baby will be great but also add pressure. Are there underlying MH problems that need addressing? Poor hygiene and depression are often linked. I'm struck that you said that your son didn't have to come home to a tidy home, albeit yours seems nothing compared with your son's home. My PILs home is v normal clean and tidy but MIL says sometimes that she should've shown DH how to do house more. She was loving but it wasn't a happy home. My DH is now having battles with 17yo daughter over cleanliness. He too is loving, but has been permissive and enabling. I sometimes fear that when she moves out it'll be worse still, akin to your son's home, she's already saying she hopes her husband is the clean one. I say this not to judge or project but to ask could there be a cycle of depression that needs addressing?

EmilyDG You really do need to consider referring to SS. It is unlikely your DS would be prosecuted for having a dirty house. I am a SW and have worked with lots of families living in poor conditions of their own making and not one was prosecuted, and some of the places were very bad.

Blue sky - can you elaborate n how you have been able to help?? What practical things do SS do in such situations?

SS I work for them as Well, we won't pay for a cleaner but will tell them to clean, but we will look at why they are struggling MH issues? money? Do kids suffer because of conditions? We are not there to provide cleaners out of the public purse but can maybe see about nursery for a few hours a week or something to give time for cleaning

OP you sound really nice and a caring person. Hope it goes well.

Chickenonastick. As someone else has just said we would look at the barriers to them maintaining a clean house (MH issues, addiction, learning difficulties or maybe just lazy and ineffectual). If it is very bad encourage them to send the DC to relatives for a bit to start to clean up, make a list of what needs done, give timescales, go in at regular intervals, try and access funds for new beds and stuff for the DC. On a few occasions we have had to remove the children into care but this is unusual and often happens in conjunction with other issues adding to the concerns. The children may be placed on the at risk register which would mean weekly visits, monthly core groups and other professionals agencies being involved. It really depends on the range of issue and how bad the place is.

Don't be polite. They need to be told they are being disgusting and lazy. Keeping a
House clean is not expensive it just takes some
Work. How can you bear to leave your grandson there. I would 100% report them if they didn't pull their finger out.

SS can refer for help from a family support worker - they're highly skilled (though not usually well paid) and help model good family organisation including cleaning and tidying routines. Families might have a support worker a few times a week over a period of two or three months. They certainly don't take over the housework themselves but they will teach and encourage helpful strategies and regular tasks.

@tiktok
You’ve just given me an idea. Do surestart get involved in these situations without a ss referral ?

Everyone saying about health visitors but they are not compulsory and if your house is a tip I would think obviously they will cancel or refuse the appointments.

OP your 2 year old GS is just not safe in a house like that. And what will it be like for him when he starts school and can't have friends back? Or gets bullied for being smelly? Please ring the NSPCC and talk it through with them at least.

Does your DS see how disgusting it is? Have you got any photos with all the shite in the background? If you have, send them to him and say you are getting more and more worried your grandchild and DIL are going to get ill, why don't you and he do a massive clean up whilst dil and grandchild stay elsewhere overnight. Then point them in the direction of homestart, children's centres, whatever support still exists in that area.

Re mould and loose dirt, is there also a landlord maintenance issue here? Is the structure of the house well maintained, shouldn't the landlord be fixing the leaking toilet and sorting damp issues? You could then also tell DS you need to tidy before landlord comes to sort out those issues.

Katy, I don’t know about sure start. Their work differs from area to area. But afaik social services usually have family support workers.

Everyone saying about health visitors but they are not compulsory and if your house is a tip I would think obviously they will cancel or refuse the appointments.

You can decline HV appointments. But if someone has already alerted the HV team to the state of the living conditions, declining a visit would raise a red flag which could lead to a referral directly to children’s services.

I work closely with HVs - they would not refuse to visit if a house is a tip. I’m fact, they would be more inclined to visit. Most of the HVs I work with spend at least half of their time in child protection meetings.