New baby is coming to a filthy house full of slugs

[EmilyGB]

My son lives about 150 miles away with his DP and their son (2) with a new baby on the way in 2 months. The place (rented house) is really, REALLY awful - loose dirt mixed with child's toys all over floors, mould on walls, piles of mess with nothing ever picked up or put away, filthy kitchen with washing-up and food left for days, leaking loo with loose seat, bags of kitchen rubbish in entrance room, and worst of all every night about 30 huge slugs crawl around in the kitchen, on worktops, on 'clean' washed plates which are then used to serve food on, etc. Once my son gets back from work, all they do is cook dinner then sit around on their mobile phones or watch DVDs while I play with my grandson. I've tried tidying at night while they're asleep, offered to help, or even to tidy it myself, and my son was offended and said I shouldn't criticise because it's their house. My son and his DP are perfectly happy with the mess and filth, don't like the house but they can't move as rent is cheap and they are poor. I suggested they must be busy having a blitz to get the house clean for the baby and he said there was no need to clean yet as it wasn't due for two months. He wasn't joking. I try hard not to upset them, I like my future DIL a lot but she had dysfunctional parents who never showed her what a nice home was like. I feel she should tidy it because my son works full-time, and he should help at evenings/weekends, but they've made it clear my opinion is not wanted so now I don't say anything, just smile, eat politely off the sluggy plates and then cry and be sick on the way home. I blame myself for not bringing my son up to expect the house tidy - but ours wasn't dirty and disgusting, just a bit messy and homely. I live in fear that social workers will take my grandson away. I'm moving house right now, will be 250 miles away soon, so can only visit about every 6 months.

it must be hard because he is your son but you need to think of your grandchildren, they are not the ones choosing to live like that. If they don't start looking after the house and keeping it clean I think you will need to contact ss.

That is all totally unacceptable. I think a SS referral will help them. The children wouldn't be removed but it will give them a kick up the bum

Does the 2 year old get ill?

I had a friend in a house like this.
I did visit with my babe in arms as he did not touch a thing, but I have never been with toddlers.

She is overwhelmed. I’d give a call to the RSPCA and ask for advice.

why would you call the RSPCA?

I mean NSPCC not quite awake yet

I agree with seeking advice. I couldn’t visit somewhere like that so the thought of living in it is horrific

RSPCA
Tbh, I don't think you're helping anyone by smiling politely and eating off sluggy plates! Loose dirt in the dc's toys? Why is that? The pair of them sound unacceptably lazy and lax with hygiene, and should be shown that its not normal behaviour to live like that. Can you contact the landlord on their behalf to get something done about the disgusting conditions? Can you help them look for somewhere else? I don't really understand how someone could think it's ok to live like this unless there were no other options.

The RSPCA because the slugs shouldn’t be living in that filth.

It sounds as if your dil is overwhelmed and doesn’t know how to set up a loving and caring home. I do think you need to think seriously about reporting them. SS only take children away as an absolute last resort. They will try to intervene and help first.

Why can you only see them once every 6 months? It's 250 miles. You don't need to circumnavigate the globe...

Ha ha I was just thinking same thing.

You could try and offer help again if son says same thing point out that children shouldn't be living like that. Clean and cluttered is ok. Dirty and cluttered isn't. If she likes her phone introduce her to Fly-lady!

Slugs on plates has absolutely turned my stomach. I expect they've just got to a point they wouldn't know where to start to clean it, but it's really not okay to have kids living like that. Your poor grandchildren. I don't know what SS would do, but anything's worth trying while they've got kids living like that.

Oh two others posted. It is busy on Mumsnet this early morning.
Ha ha! Was for the slug message about RSPCA😁

PotteringAlong - my mother was 300 miles from us. When we first had children she was working, and in latter years she wasn't well enough to make the journey alone. The train fare was also expensive, and none of us were well off. We took the children to see her and other family in the holidays, and she'd come and stay a couple of times a year. Seems pretty normal to me.

Bless you for being so polite. The sluggy plates are a horror. Could you offer to give them a cleaning company come to blitz the place as a Christmas present? If the baby is due in January this could be good timing. How about suggesting they put a line of salt around the boundaries of the kitchen each night, too –might help deter the wee buggers ...?

It is entirely possible for the newborn to become very sick from that level of bacteria. Their immune systems are very fragile. My friend many years had a filthy house, and her baby was hospitalised for five weeks with an infection (everyone thought privately the germs in the house made her child ill) she was a good mother apart from that, so it is about upbringing rather than ill treatment.

Whether you offen them or not I think you need to honest. It is not fair to your gc. So if they don't listen I too would refer them to ss. Give them one more chance, involve the midwife possibly too.

How sad. Really sad. Sad for you too especially as you are posting at this time in the morning.

I just can’t imagine how bad it is that there is slug and slime issue.

I think house work and cleaning do take a lot of time and if they are phone addicts and don’t clear and deep clean on a regular basis then it must be a disgusting environment for them and you.

Also perhaps dil grew up in a dirty household and is overwhelmed. One of my friends grew up in a filthy cluttered house and you had to move stuff to get past the hallway to his room. It was really sad and he grew up with deep shame about his parents.

I think you need to help them and somehow do that without them thinking they are judged. Can you get anyone else in to help?

I would help them in time for the baby and then if they didn’t keep it up I would then consider referring them.

I always wanted my home spic and span for a new born.

Do they have lots of clutter?

Do they have a dryer or dishwasher?

I know they are poor but I have just got a dryer, dishwasher and a reasonable sized fridge (all were cheap brands) and the difference to my life is amazing. I wish I had bought them even when I thought I couldn’t afford it.

Don’t know if you can start with one room - such as decorating the kids room?

This sounds like they need serious serious help.

I used to have an issue with all the crap we had so it meant my house could be totally uncontrollable it took me hiring a guy to help remove it all as rubbish 3 times and most people would think our house was ok as I would manage to put on a show and have it looking tidy but in reality I would have to clean through the night.

This all happened to me because my children were given far far too much stuff and then I got ill in hospital which meant I could keep on top of the house and so even being fortunate enough to realise we needed a cleaner didn’t help. It soon when go chaos pretty much totally chaos.

Nevertheless I still ended up cleaning during the night when I got out of hospital to get it looking good and then ended up back in hospital.

For me it took doing a room by room approach.

I think the fly lady crisis clean would be good for starting with the kitchen too.

Not really sure if it helps you.

Social will consider removal as this is not putting the child's needs first and if they don't clean it up, stop being lazy its reality they will. You'll get those no they won't, I work in this field yes its possible, we look at the whole picture then nothing is left a secret

If you don't phone the midwife shall make a referral anyway once baby is born. You should be a mother instead of a friend and tell them straight even if they don't like the truth. Truth is they are lazy and not thinking of their child's health or needs

@FritzDonovan
Tbh, I don't think you're helping anyone by smiling polity and eating of sludgy plates

Totally agree with this.

Op I went to see my ds at uni this weekend. The kitchen tbh was as I expected. HORRENDOUS !!!! He offered us s drink and politely declined but told him why at the same time. We had a bit of a laugh about it and the next day he and his housemates gave it a good clean. We have got that kind of relationship BUT I fully accept this is different. And what ever you say risks hurting their feelings but so what. I can only base this on how I get on with my son and appreciate future dil. And let’s face it no one wants to be that Mil. !!! I would say to my ds, look I love you. I love your partner and it goes without saying I love my gc. The place your living is not fit for two children etc. I don’t want to see you living this way. If I can’t tell you this who will ? You’ve offered help. Would they accept the offer of s deep clean service ? There was a thread last week where the op had to redecorate her flat and clean it in a weekend. And god bless her she did !! But she got a deep clean company in and said it was fantastic. I think I’d end up getting angry tbh. That’s after I’d offered all kinds of help.

Sorry if that was rambly still waking up

Have they always lived like this? I am surprised the MW or HV didn’t get involved when their first child was born.

I think the massive thing here is you could get the place clean but there’s no routine or motivation in place to keep it clean.

I think you really have to be straight with them. The health vistor comes before most births I have always felt this was to "check the house" although they say its not and if its in a state am sure something will be said.
I dont know how people let it get so bad i know how hard it is to get stuff done i have a ds2 and dd5months.

Get them some slug pellets and scatter them in the garden outside airbricks. We had a slug problem in our old house after a year of going around in circles.

This is unbelievably sad! You must help them before someone gets seriously ill. A newborn baby Living in those conditions is just appalling, same for the two year old. Offer to help them again and if they still refuse you need to contact ss for the sake of the children.