New baby is coming to a filthy house full of slugs

[EmilyGB]

My son lives about 150 miles away with his DP and their son (2) with a new baby on the way in 2 months. The place (rented house) is really, REALLY awful - loose dirt mixed with child's toys all over floors, mould on walls, piles of mess with nothing ever picked up or put away, filthy kitchen with washing-up and food left for days, leaking loo with loose seat, bags of kitchen rubbish in entrance room, and worst of all every night about 30 huge slugs crawl around in the kitchen, on worktops, on 'clean' washed plates which are then used to serve food on, etc. Once my son gets back from work, all they do is cook dinner then sit around on their mobile phones or watch DVDs while I play with my grandson. I've tried tidying at night while they're asleep, offered to help, or even to tidy it myself, and my son was offended and said I shouldn't criticise because it's their house. My son and his DP are perfectly happy with the mess and filth, don't like the house but they can't move as rent is cheap and they are poor. I suggested they must be busy having a blitz to get the house clean for the baby and he said there was no need to clean yet as it wasn't due for two months. He wasn't joking. I try hard not to upset them, I like my future DIL a lot but she had dysfunctional parents who never showed her what a nice home was like. I feel she should tidy it because my son works full-time, and he should help at evenings/weekends, but they've made it clear my opinion is not wanted so now I don't say anything, just smile, eat politely off the sluggy plates and then cry and be sick on the way home. I blame myself for not bringing my son up to expect the house tidy - but ours wasn't dirty and disgusting, just a bit messy and homely. I live in fear that social workers will take my grandson away. I'm moving house right now, will be 250 miles away soon, so can only visit about every 6 months.

I'm another one that thinks you should involve SS. Children should not live like this. You sound like you've tried your hardest to help and they've turned you down. I don't think there's many other options available to you.

If you don't phone the midwife shall make a referral anyway once baby is born. You should be a mother instead of a friend and tell them straight even if they don't like the truth. Truth is they are lazy and not thinking of their child's health or needs*

^ this

You need to be blunt op.

Can you afford a cleaner for them?

And if she is 'blunt', she risks losing any relationship she has with her son and his family. He's already told her to but out...
The Health Visitor (there is a two year old, plus new baby on the way...) will have been made aware of the situation when the two year old was a baby. As it appears nothing has been done, then the authorities obviously don't feel that there's any real danger to the child.
However, I appreciate how upsetting the situation must be for you OP and if it was my adult children and reasoning with them didn't work, then I'd arm myself with bleach, bin bags and a determined smile and bulldoze them into submission by not taking no for an answer....and I'd be prepared for the fallout if necessary.
You are in between a rock and a hard place OP, but for your own peace of mind and the health and safety of your grandchildren, you really do have to bulldoze your way through this one...

Hi OP. I agree with a PP ^^. Do they have a tumble dryer and a table top dishwasher. I would be lost without both, having a full-time job. Despite their Dad moving out earlier in the year we don’t use piles of stuff but it helps me so much. Or helped me so much. These would be affordable and not an insult. Maybe a walk around an appliance shop on a Sunday afternoon?
And the slugs are awful for anyone who’s ever lived with them. Just vile and the landlord letting them live with mould and slugs is awful. Waking up and treading on a slug is grose.
Years ago, I had a masonite which had been flooded and had black, white and green mould and I don’t remember it being a ‘happy’ time. Because it gets you down so that could be having a knock on effect to their well-being. I can’t imagine that with babies on top. It’s very easy for us to judge. But all of this can equate to undertaking the basics and not having a lot of energy for much else except zoning off in FB and seeing how everyone else is doing... Which is another issue in itself...

I agree with pp that you shouldn’t be stepping up to clean their mess. It has become your job and they’re happy for you to do it so they won’t bother. Very unfair on you.
Give them a kick up the backside, you’re his Mum not his friend. Tell them it’s lazy and sets such a bad example to kids.

Sluggy plates sound awful!

They should be due a health visitor "introductory" (home) visit soon, I had mine at about 36 weeks. Health visitors do link in with SS.

It sounds like the mother can't cope and, like you say, doesn't know what a clean house looks like. I'd be fairly blunt with your son tbh. And remind him that babies can come early.....

Also, how are the slugs getting in? The landlord should address this surely?

Slugs are attracted to damp, not dirt.

Phone the HV team and tell them your concerns, explaining that you have tried to offer help and it has been refused. Tell them the mum’s name and address and they’ll know who’s been allocated to her.

Tell them you want to support them but you want someone in a professional capacity to see for themselves.

That really is unacceptable op.

I have put a rocket up the arse of my younger sister a couple of times. It doesn't go down well. But better from family than social services.

Buy them some beer traps for the slugs and a fuckton of cleaning stuff. Turn up in old clothes. Give your dil £20 to take the toddler to softplay for a couple of hours and you and your ds blitz the place. Be that blunt. I have done it, took dsis baby to my mams for a couple of hours and helped dsis clean.

I had pretty much the exact situation with some acquaintances recently. Couple with one kid, baby on the way. I was on the periphery but was privy to and witnessed much of the way the family dealt with it.

The family had tried helping, would go round and tidy up/blitz the house etc, it didn't work. What did work was all the family staging an intervention and telling them they needed to self refer to s services or someone else would refer them. This saw a marked improvement, at least the house is tidy now.

They were eventually reported to s services for different reasons not long after family had staged an intervention, the problems ran deeper than just a dirty house. Fortunately, things seem (from the outside anyway) to be improving.

What I learned from this experience was that the children come first. Their safety and wellbeing is paramount. Often family are too close and reluctant to do what is needed, and no one gets the help they need. If your son and DIL are struggling, they need help. The Children must not be put at risk for the sake of not upsetting the parents. If the parents have underlying problems, they need help and support from professionals.

S services will not take the kids away from them over a dirty house, but they will give them a kick up the backside and help them parent properly. And they will looks out for the children.

I never had a health visitor visit me before DD was born. Is this a recent thing? In any case it sounds like a good thing, especially under these circumstances.

Is it possible that the mother is suffering from PND from the previous pregnancy?

HV must already have visited for DC1 ?
Moving won't change the filth on the floor will it. Why is there mould ? Due to damp? leaking roof? or they never open the windows & dry the clothes indoors?,
They can call a plumber for the WC...or ask landlord.
there is nothing making you eat off slug slime plates, you can wash your plate & say why.
Can you put slug pellets in a safe place (so DC doesn't touch them ?)
I think this girl must be about 17 & basically doesn't know how to do it.
I would just get the hoover out... & say why

You’ve had good advice and I really feel for you as sure you could do with the support; I’d be very upset too and it’s so hard if you can’t say any more as they clearly aren’t receptive.
On the slug front, we had them in a basement flat and one night I got so fed up I spread slug pellets out while the children were asleep and hoovered them before they woke for a couple of nights and they never came back. Ours were ‘only’ on the floor and wall not eating area but perhaps they are hiding under the floor boards and come out at night ( they do seem to be nocturnal!)

My HV last came when baby was 8 weeks old, so maybe the house wasn't so bad when the 2 yo was that age? Also you aren't obliged to keep HV appointments (though this may get flagged up with other services, I don't know).
Do the pair of them actually know how to clean a house? Not everyone does...

Surely your DIL must hate the slugs? Can you sit with her on her own and have a loving and caring conversation about how she feels about it all and what you can do to help? Are you in a position to roll your sleeves up and get stuck in? I have no idea what your financial situation is like, but could you lend/donate some money towards getting a better house? I must admit it sounds dreadful.

If you down the SS route be very careful. Don’t ever let them find out it was you. Are you there only visitor? My mil doesn’t approve of my house ( no slugs or mud here) I have far too many toys but I wash up and wash clothes hoover every day.
It’s mil tone that grates with me.
“Can I help you clear out Meadway.”
Yes that would be great thank you!
“ you must agree that I can throw out whatever i want to, no debate”
Err, no I can’t agree to that, no thank you ( inside screaming wtf?)
So how’s your diplomattic skills?
Tidying a room for the cot together would be nice, if they refuse that then there’s obviously a bigger issue

They should not be having children in truth, the poor kids will grow up like the mother and live in filth.

It is probably not the landlord’s fault, if they move into a nice new place it will probably end up the same.

Sounds like they need a kick up the backsides by SS

No saying they will let hv in before the birth, these visits are optional.

I think it needs to be said along the lines of please let me help you, it is an issue and will become a bigger issue if hv sees the state of the place

As a midwife I have made referrals for similar cases. Sadly, there was little action. Unless the children were experiencing significant abuse, there was very little input.
I know a wealthy couple who live like this too. It's not poverty that makes you lazy and dirty IMP

Maybe you should ring SS yourself so they can special attention to her when the midwife and hv visits start.

"They should not be having children in truth, the poor kids will grow up like the mother and live in filth."

Not necessarily. My mum was a very poor housekeeper, although we didn't have slugs in the house and she pushed a hoover around occasionally. As a result I am a bit of a neat freak in comparison. My house is always clean, and usually tidy. I was ashamed of the way my mum kept the house and I wouldn't want DD to be ashamed of my housekeeping skills.

I don't go OTT though - just vacuum and dust once a week.

Can you hire a cleaner for them for a few hours a week?

ithink this girl must be about 17 & basically doesn't know how to do it

Bit judgemental. Just because youre younger doesnt mean you dont have a clue!

Op i think you just need to tell them straight. I would say please dont take this as a criticism but you might need to think about getting into a routine with the cleaning for the baby etc. Maybe help draw one up?

Also get them to ring the LL about the damp. Mention they are due a new baby. Theres no excuse for the LL not to sort it and that in turn might help with the slug problem?