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Original poster

Am I being taken for a mug by my "wife"

63 replies

Bradybounce1 · 17/11/2017 14:44

Lots of ups and down throughout our marriage.

We have one DD 5 and been married 12 years.

She has been and still is having an emotional affair and lying to me about how much she cares about the guy.

Whilst saying she doesn't know where she stands with us - focusing all her attention on him and none on me.

Am I being a total fool to be hanging around?
Why when she has these feelings does she not just end it with me?

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 17/11/2017 14:46

I'd take the bull by the horns and decide for MYSELF to get out now rather than waiting around for her to make her mind up.

MissConductUS · 17/11/2017 14:51

You have become her backup plan. That's not good, but that's why she hasn't just ended it with you. She needs you on a string in case things don't work out with the new bloke.

Violletta · 17/11/2017 14:52

why 'wife' ?

why don't you decide if she's not all in the relationship then why dont you move on - shes treating you badly and you're (probably) worth more than that

ohtheholidays · 17/11/2017 14:54

Because your doing what's none as the Pick Me Dance,I'm sure your not intending to do it but it sounds like that's how your wife is seeing it.

If it was me I'd end the relationship,there should only be the two of you in your marriage but because of your wifes choices there is 3 of you.

It's never easy to end a marriage but do you really want to waste maybe years more of your life spending it with someone who isn't treating you right,end it and go on to find someone who will love you and treat you the way you'd treat them.

TheNaze73 · 17/11/2017 15:31

Total non starter. Walk. Why on earth would anyone wait in these circumstances?

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 17/11/2017 15:35

I think you need to decide what you want. If you want to try and make it work then decide what you expect- e.g. She has no more contact with him ever and attends couples counselling, or whatever you think might make it work.
Then be prepared to follow through by leaving if she isn't prepared to step up.

StormTreader · 17/11/2017 15:37

"Why when she has these feelings does she not just end it with me"

If youre not happy then you need to end it yourself.

LoveFaithSushy · 17/11/2017 15:50

Sit her down tell her you are not seccond best. Its you or him. You deserve to be treated better.
The atmosphere can't be great for your little girl either. kids notice things.
Sorry op

monkeywithacowface · 17/11/2017 15:53

Take control and end it yourself. Sounds like she has already left you emotionally

Offred · 17/11/2017 15:58

You don’t have any control over what she does or doesn’t do.

Your only choice is over how you respond.

Why would she leave you if you are demonstrating that you will stay with her despite her affair? She gets to have both the safety of your marriage and the excitement of the affair.

You need to decide if you are going to leave her or not, not agonise over whether she will leave you IMO.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 17/11/2017 16:04

Because you are a 2nd option. Stop making yourself an option and leave.

Original poster
Bradybounce1 · 17/11/2017 16:05

"Wife" because she isn't treating me as someone she cares about.

I did do the pick me dance. I have now stopped.

But may be I still am?

I know in my heart she will give me a half arsed excuse as why we can't continue our relationship. If she tells me the truth she will lose me forever.

Why would someone want to stay with safety when they care about someone else and have had an affair for months?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bradybounce1 · 17/11/2017 16:06

By second option that basically means that she is waiting to see if the affair has legs?

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 17/11/2017 16:07

Because that's what cheaters do. They test the water before jumping the ship.

WeeMadArthur · 17/11/2017 16:08

Emotional affairs are not on. You need to tell her that if she keeps in contact with him then it’s over between you. Although if you feel that you can I would wait until after Christmas for your DDs sake.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 17/11/2017 16:08

Basically yes. Keeping you at home to return to if things with other man go to shit.

reallyanotherone · 17/11/2017 16:14

I sometimes think its harder for men in this situation.

Chances are she’ll be RP as care ususally defaults to the mother, so if you leave you’re seeing your child EOW.

My DH went through the same. He did everything he could to keep the marriage together because if he left her he left his kids. And it’s ok saying it doesn’t have to affect the relationship, you can have 50:50 etc but if you have no home, nowhere to live, no money to set up another family home, then day visits are the best you can hope for. She threw him out in the end. Moved the other bloke in the same day.

MissConductUS · 17/11/2017 16:14

Why would someone want to stay with safety when they care about someone else and have had an affair for months?

Because women are practical and having two men means more resources and more options than settling on one. I know lots of women who feel that they have to find a new man before they leave the old one. And she may not be completely certain that the new man won't dump her once the novelty has worn off, or if he finds someone younger and prettier.

I know it's hard, but you have to put an end to this game she's playing. It's horribly unfair to you and shows you that she really has no personal integrity or self respect whatsoever.

Original poster
Bradybounce1 · 17/11/2017 16:21

I know very little about what she has done.

The new man has other women on the go - I know this for a fact. I don't want to tell her this as she will probably turn it on me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bradybounce1 · 17/11/2017 16:25

MissConductUS I would never do that to another human. I would end it first - just because it's the right thing to do.

I have put up with this for too long

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 17/11/2017 16:26

I would start planning for separation and divorce tbh. Are you in a position to ask her to move out? How old is your DD?

Original poster
Bradybounce1 · 17/11/2017 16:28

DD is 5.

I moved out early November.

She says we aren't together anymore and she doesn't feel bad about talking to him.

Yet - she still dangles the carrot of a relationship?

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 17/11/2017 16:31

The new man has other women on the go

She likely knows this already or strongly suspects it. It's pretty easy to spot a player. That's another reason why she hasn't left you completely.

I have put up with this for too long

Yes, indeed. Your wife is not a good person.

AssassinatedBeauty · 17/11/2017 16:33

Ah ok, that makes the separation/divorce aspect easier. I'd just tell her that regardless of what she says, you are now separated and you intend to divorce, that the relationship is over. Then limit all communication to that necessary for your DD and to communicate about the divorce.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/11/2017 16:37

Sorry to hear you are going through this Bradybounce1.

What do you actually want to happen? If she stopped this EA tomorrow, would there be a chance of a reconciliation between you? Or has she gone too far? Could you trust her? Do you still love her?

Personally, I think you should walk away but just wanted to get a bit of a bigger picture.