Am I being taken for a mug by my "wife"

[Bradybounce1]

Lots of ups and down throughout our marriage.

We have one DD 5 and been married 12 years.

She has been and still is having an emotional affair and lying to me about how much she cares about the guy.

Whilst saying she doesn't know where she stands with us - focusing all her attention on him and none on me.

Am I being a total fool to be hanging around?
Why when she has these feelings does she not just end it with me?

In that case I would move forward with an official separation/divorce because you should be able to keep it civil if it is all clear cut and you don’t feel like you are being mucked about. You need this for both your and your DDs sake. Bear in mind that if things with this man don’t work out then she will probably try to get back together so you need to make it clear that you are moving on and there will be no going back.

Yet - she still dangles the carrot of a relationship?

Yes, indeed. Your wife is not a good person.

This is how she keeps you as her backup emergency man.

In answer to the title of your post --- YES!!!!
With big fat bells on
Why are you putting up with this?
She has no consequences for her actions so why would she stop?
She has the best of both worlds.
Cake and eat it!!
Stop letting her walk all over you.
Time to take back control of your life.
Get away from her asap to get yourself some head space.
Then decide from there what you want to do.
But stop being a wet weekend about it all.
There is nothing more unattractive!

Hello
I wasn't sure what you meant by "she's lying about how much she cares about the guy",sorry for being slow on the uptake,did you mean she says she has no feelings for him and you think she's in love?
It's very difficult to give accurate advise without hearing both sides,but on the face of it,if she is putting all her time and emotions into another man despite you having addressed this with her then she is taking advantage of your patience and good nature.
Where is her love and respect for you?
(Where is your love and respect for you?)
Very difficult breaking up with children involved,if you do consider separation it would be worth getting financial and legal advice first.
If I was in love with a man there is no way I'd treat him as you are being treated..
I wish you all the best.

Karma that is what i meant.

Hellsbells you made me lol. I probably have been pathetic. Not anymore.

GreenFingers very tough questions. Not so sure anymore.

Leave her to it op.

Why sell yourself so short. You deserve better than this!

I think by taking steps back I can see through her lies.

By allowing yourself to be manipulated like this she has lost all respect for you. You are now the father of her daughter, nothing more. If she wasn't having sex with the new guy he wouldn't continue hanging around.

Cease all communication with her that isn't regarding your daughter and find a divorce lawyer on Monday.

As a woman I can tell you that there is nothing here to salvage and that if you let her she will simply keep manipulating you.

Good. That was the intention. A firm but fair kick up the arse.
I really hope you manage to get the outcome you want.
But nothing will change unless YOU change it.

this here is the mug you are being taken for.
Have you never heard the expression actions speak louder than words. Don't listen to her words, look at what she is doing. If you have moved out and she is apparently happy with that then it's over. If she is spending her emotional time on some other man, it's over. It's over but she is stopping short of being the bad dude by saying so.

You’re already separated and she’s seeing OM. Focus on your relationship with your DD, get legal advice and legally separate/divorce.

Should I say something as soon as possible?

I need to not listen to her lies anymore.

I think the less she knows about your plans the better, at least until you can find a solicitor and put a plan together.

Don't initiate contact unless it's regarding your daughter and if she contacts you tell her that you really don't wish to discuss the situation unless it's to do with your daughter. Go minimal contact and see how she reacts. She may panic a bit but don't let her lure you back it with talking about how she still cares for you. It's just more manipulation.

I am sorry you're going through all of this. I'm even sorrier that she's setting such a poor example for your daughter, but there's little you can do about that.

I knew her better than anyone...

If i go silent she'll be relieved as she can carry on whilst I am 'waiting in the wings'.

I think she'll be too stubborn to accept her mistake.

When this situation blows up in her face she will learn but I will be long gone :)

I’d be filing for divorce tbh. Don’t let her treat you like that.

That works then, communicate only about your DC, research your finances and get legal advice and decide on your next steps regarding splitting financial assets, DC residency and maintenance.

She may not “learn”: many cheaters don’t. Your concern now is your life and parenting.

If i go silent she'll be relieved as she can carry on whilst I am 'waiting in the wings

Quite possibly, but don't forget that you're her emergency spare at this point and her goal with you is to keep you on leash. If she's too dense to notice that she's lost you, all the better.

Women like your wife make me a bit ashamed of my gender, to be honest.

Dozer Fair point - agreed.

MissConductUS women like her have underlying issues that they don't want to take responsibility for.

Women like you are why you should be proud of your gender!

Bear with me because it is not my intention at all to imply you are to blame/responsible for this situation, merely to help you see that despite her behaviour re OM, you can still make choices to protect yourself...

How much of this dynamic (which is damaging you primarily) is her wanting to keep you as a backup and how much is you not wanting to face up to letting her go?

Because you have said you’ve moved out already but you are still very drawn into the drama triangle with her.

It’s like your body has moved but your mind has not caught up.

So I go back to what I said before, this agonising over her and what she is thinking and what she is going to do etc, it is doing you no favours, you have moved out which is a great step but you are still hung up on her. I think you need to restrict contact to things concerning your DD only and get some headspace to be able to move on.

Women like you are why you should be proud of your gender!

Why thank you, Brady, what a lovely thing to say!

Offred The reason why I posted was for a frank and open discussion.

I couldn't comment on her feelings she could have been lying to me to keep me around.

I guess I may have wanted things to work.

I know its only been a week or two but I already feel stronger.

There is no point trying to understand her.

Only those closest to her see the real her. Everyone else gets an act...this guy is probably fooled for now too.

Offered Just read my message back and meant to say thanks for being open and honest.lol

I think the trick is really fighting the urges you will have (normal) to do anything to undo what has happened and actually start prioritising yourself.

Leave officially, send divorce papers and apply for full custody of your daughter. My uncle got full custody of his kids so men can, although it helped his wife told the judge she didn't want them.