Should his behaviour be excused because of his mental illness?

[merrykate]

I broke up with my boyfriend today. He had a breakdown and will possibly be diagnosed with a severe mental disorder. He's started to get help but it's a long road to recovery. He's dealt with trauma and abuse all his life.

I've known him for a few years. When we first got together 11 months ago he was affectionate and loving, but this didn't last long. He moved in quite early on because of his housing situation, I helped him out basically and we were in love; it felt right at the time. Depression soon set in and he was in denial for a long time. The last 5 weeks have been hell. I know he didn't mean to hurt me but he has blamed me for not understanding, accused me of being weak, threatened to smash my house up when I've suggested he move out, many threats of suicide with one serious attempt. He is very up and down because of his illness. He has had a tough time with nightmares and flashbacks. I would be awake with him but he was so distant and would push me away. He sometimes said he wanted people to suffer the way he suffers. He also said he wanted to make me hate him so that I would deal with his suicide better. Really messed up I know, but all symptoms of what the professionals suspect he has: Borderline Personality Disorder.

I feel so distraught thinking that I've given up on someone who is clearly suffering, but my mental health also suffered as a result of the way he CHOSE to treat me.

We were together such a short time that I couldn't work out who was the real him. I've said I'll still support him and he wants us to be together when he's better. It's so complicated because I feel like we've broken up not because we don't love each other, but because of this horrendous disorder.

I feel like until he gets himself 100% better having a functional relationship is impossible (unless perhaps you have been together for years, but it feels like our whole relationship has had this undercurrent of sadness and trauma because of his mental health issues).

Is mental illness an excuse for treating your partner poorly?

(Please be kind. I'm fragile and didn't make the decision to end things easily).

I’m sorry you are in this situation OP.

Although I have no personal experience, I deal with adults with mental health diagnoses on a professional basis.

My advice to you would be to be careful. It really depends on the complexity of his case as to whether or not he can make a full recovery. Some people can with and without meds, and I know others who relapse quite significantly even when on meds.

The other (very selfish) thing to consider is the potential for his MH diagnoses being passed on to any children you may have. It’s definitely not a given, but is a possibility.

Good luck OP, whatever you decide.

Thank you. I think I'm looking through rose tinted glasses somewhat. It's difficult to see the destructive behaviours when you're directly involved.

Borderline personality disorder is very difficult to deal with, and it has a terrible impact on relationships.

It’s certainly possible that he’s a lovely person, but not capable of sustaining a healthy relationship at present.

It's not a question of excusing, it's understanding the behaviour which is symptomatic or explained by any diagnosis, and knowing what is simply behaviour and what behaviour can be explained by his condition. If it's BPD it's more difficult because all behaviours are likely due to the condition. It's not a case of relapse, so much as the length of time between relapses. So, even when someone is managing their interpersonal relationships quite well it could be argued that is a normal phase within the cycle of BPD.

I would walk away. I'm working with a young woman with this condition. I get to come home. I certainly couldn't live with it.

He won't get 'better' without long term therapy which is just about impossible to find now with the funding cuts . . . unless you're lucky enough to be able to pay privately. People with personality disorders are very challenging and I would be grateful that you have disentangled yourself from the relationship and be very wary of getting involved with him again. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but I'm a mental health nurse with 40 years experience! Currently working in prisons so see the 'end' result of these dysfunctional relationships when they have deteriorated into physical violence etc.

You need to look after yourself before you look after him. He's bad news for you so you are best off going no contact. He's not going to get 'better' from a personality disorder and if he's not motivated then he won't change at all.

I would just like to say stay away . My suggestion to you would be to get yourself mentally better, be kind to yourself . I am sure your decision wasn’t easy . when you love someone if is very hard , especially when they are poorly . However , you do have a duty to yourself to make sure that you are well supported and loved . Being with someone that has a BPD is very draining and mentally exhausting . Take notice of people on here in the profession they know what they are talking about ! I too have come out the other side from BPD relationships . It has taken me 15 months to get to a better place . Not quite there yet . If you asked me do I still love him YES I DO , would I want to go back NO THANKYOU . I am able to recognise now that I couldn’t help him , the relationship was doing me more harm then good ( i can see that now) . Be kind to yourself , take time , one day at a time , you will get there . One more piece advice ...... please go NC although harsh it will be much better for you in the long run xx take care . You sound a lovely lady , caring lady

You talk about him getting 100% better, but the unfortunate reality is that this may never happen with such a severe mental condition.

I can understand your feelings of guilt. It’s not his fault. But being in a relationship with a seriously ill person is very difficult path for you. My cousin has bipolar and has recently split up with his wife. They have two young children but it just got too hard for her.

I feel like until he gets himself 100% better

It's a personality disorder. He won't get 100% better.

I think you're looking for permission to cut him off am I right? You don't owe him a relationship, or friendship.

You cant fix him. Your life will be significantly more difficult with him in it and you will get nothing back from what you put in. Children will be seriously disadvantaged.

Maybe have some counselling for yourself.

Sweetheart, we are socialised as females to care and to fix.often at great cost to ourselves. This is not our job. Walk away from this, find happiness.

I would walk away. Having been exposed to and dealt with serious mental illness in family members all my life I feel guilty saying that also feeling I have a better understanding of certain conditions than most. However it has a serious impact on the lives if those around the person. Don't underestimate it. You have only been dating 11 months, broken up, no kids. Run for the hills.

You need to save the only life you can save and think of yourself first.

Walk away, as somebody has said, he will always have it, so won't get 100% better. At the moment because of his mph your relationship is dysfunctional and abusive.

And don't feel guilty, a healthy self preservation kicked in which is good. Serious mental illness is managed not cured. Please look after yourself and don't be guilted back. I would suggest cutting contact, you've been too close and affected to be objective support.

Talking to yourself because you are having auditory hallucinations is behaviour that can be “excused” because of a mental health condition. Acting like a shit, threatening violence and emotional control all because you want others to suffer the same pain you have, is just acting like a shit and shouldn’t be ignored or excused.

I've said I'll still support him and he wants us to be together when he's better

So he is keeping you hanging about with what he wants.

Whilst it is very laudable wanting to support someone you have to walk away and get on with your own life for your own mental health.
You were only together a short time.
Move on.

If he has a personality disorder, he's not likely to get better in a way that enables him to treat you well.

Being depressed and having problems with your mental health doesn't necessarily mean you'll bully and threaten and frighten your partner. He might well have chosen to treat you badly, rather than it being part of his illness.

If I were you I'd keep well away from him from now on. Even if he does get better he'll still have that personality disorder, and you'll still suffer with that.

"Acting" like "a shit" threatening mental or emotional pain, wanting others to experience your pain..... unfortunately is part of the clinical picture! It's not called a personality disorder for nothing. I'm not certain how useful it is to blame him. Because they are hyper sensitive to emotions, the need for empathy is shaped by a compulsion to make others feel what they feel.

I wonder if there is a double standard. A woman posting about having BPD or a husband posting for advice about how to support her would probably receive advise advocating support.

I read a while back that although many symptoms can remit, and the prognosis is not always dire, that problems still persist in some areas of psycho-social function, like holding down a job. At the very least to commit to supporting this person as their partner would make life a real struggle.

I wonder if there is a double standard. A woman posting about having BPD or a husband posting for advice about how to support her would probably receive advise advocating support

Maybe, if it was a 10 year relationship with children. But definitely not if it was an 11 month fly by night. I'd say exactly the same to the partner of a women with BPD who was behaving this way.

@merrykate

As somebody who lives with someone with a mental illness, it's exhausting. They have got to want treatment and actively try and help themselves and with the Mental Health Service in the state it's in, recovery might take ages if at all.

My sil has severe bpd and it is hellish. The push pull of emotions to make you prove yourself and then you have so she pushes you away again. She doesn't live close. Treats my dh like shit, her kids, parents etc the same. Her parents haven't been to see us for birthdays Christmas etc for four years and Christmas ten years. It's just not worth their stress and pain to us to make it happen. And we can't have her here, she gets so jealous about what she perceives us to have (normality) that she kicks off.

I couldn't live with it. It's not her fault, just like it isn't your bf but it is one of the worst MH probs there is. He won't change much if at all, this is something that will take years and years for it to change enough for you to be with him in a way that is ok for your MH. Sad and difficult to be in this situation but please put yourself first. There is a good book on Amazon I've read and I think it was 'stop walking on eggshells' but I'll check and repost here.

Actually BPD can be helped with therapy to work out abandonment fears and develop emotiomal resilience. Howevet this requires insight and the desire to change which may BPDs deny.

You can end a relationship for any reason you like. Even if you love someone, it is ok to walk away if they aren't a good partner, love doesnt fix everything.

Someone who damages your mental health and wants you to suffer, isn't fundamentally going to make you happy long term. On the basis of less than a year, much of which has been crap, you shouldn't feel obliged to sacrifice your future happiness out of some misplaced sense of guilt.

My Dh has a severe MH illness, but not a personality disorder. I feel that Dh has sometimes treated me badly because of his illness, and that I can live with, because it's incredibly rare. However I'm talking about perhaps three really hurtful remarks over 14 years, and a few swearwords not directly to me, plus one episode of going missing years ago. The illness itself can be hard to live with because he can't work at the moment and symptoms of depression anxiety and psychosis mean little socialising. He doesn't drink, exercises 2 hours a day, meditates etc. It's HARD work keeping stable and trying to recover. NONE OF THIS HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME. Obviously we talk about it, but managing his illness is his business.

He has never threatened me, picked a fight, been deliberately nasty outside those three remarks. He supports me in everythingI want to do, including socialising on my own, career development, studying, creativity. He runs the house and looks after ds. I basically do what the hell I like. Because I love him I do want to spend time with him, we have a great time toget her, our life is full of fun and enjoyment within the limits of his illness.

I would walk away from this man without a second thought. Your health and safety are your own responsibility. If dh deteriorated in some way so that I was not safe or ds was impacted in some specific way, I would walk from dh too.