Should his behaviour be excused because of his mental illness?

[merrykate]

I broke up with my boyfriend today. He had a breakdown and will possibly be diagnosed with a severe mental disorder. He's started to get help but it's a long road to recovery. He's dealt with trauma and abuse all his life.

I've known him for a few years. When we first got together 11 months ago he was affectionate and loving, but this didn't last long. He moved in quite early on because of his housing situation, I helped him out basically and we were in love; it felt right at the time. Depression soon set in and he was in denial for a long time. The last 5 weeks have been hell. I know he didn't mean to hurt me but he has blamed me for not understanding, accused me of being weak, threatened to smash my house up when I've suggested he move out, many threats of suicide with one serious attempt. He is very up and down because of his illness. He has had a tough time with nightmares and flashbacks. I would be awake with him but he was so distant and would push me away. He sometimes said he wanted people to suffer the way he suffers. He also said he wanted to make me hate him so that I would deal with his suicide better. Really messed up I know, but all symptoms of what the professionals suspect he has: Borderline Personality Disorder.

I feel so distraught thinking that I've given up on someone who is clearly suffering, but my mental health also suffered as a result of the way he CHOSE to treat me.

We were together such a short time that I couldn't work out who was the real him. I've said I'll still support him and he wants us to be together when he's better. It's so complicated because I feel like we've broken up not because we don't love each other, but because of this horrendous disorder.

I feel like until he gets himself 100% better having a functional relationship is impossible (unless perhaps you have been together for years, but it feels like our whole relationship has had this undercurrent of sadness and trauma because of his mental health issues).

Is mental illness an excuse for treating your partner poorly?

(Please be kind. I'm fragile and didn't make the decision to end things easily).

It may be a reason for his behaviour but that doesn't mean you have to live with it. He is not well enough to be in a healthy relationship with you,now, and may never be.

The very nature of Emotionally Unstable personality Disorder is that sufferers always always have unstable relationships. They also very often have incredible rages.
Loving your bf will not be enough

Those early weeks when he was affectionate & loving? That wasn’t his real personality. That was a brief interlude. His real personality is what you’re seeing now.

I have someone in my life distantly who has BPD. Her life is one long car crash. She has had endless therapy, numerous psychiatric admissions, but she still lurches from one to another disastrous decision that harm her & her family.

Her family had a recent tragic loss. At the funeral the one was really grieving was overlooked because they were all dreading how X would behave.

Run run run, and while you’re running, have a think how you ended up in this situation.

Thanks for all the replies and support. I wasn't expecting so many in favour of breaking up.

In the kinder possible way - he's not your responsibility, you are.

It would be very different if you had a long and loving relationship and this was a bump in the road but in your situation I'm afraid to say I wouldn't consider continuing in a relationship with someone who is potentially going to be very mentally unwell for his entire life.

You're not giving up on him, you're simply refusing to give up on you.

It's the old advice that you can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

You can absolutely feel compassion for him, but at a safe distance. Not to be all new-agey, but he has to make his own journey and you can't do that for him.

I have bipolar disorder, so a bit different, but I've been in the same relationship for nearly 20 yrs. I just asked my DH why he sticks with me and he says it's a numbers game. Overall, he reckons that 70% of the time it's always been the best relationship he's ever had. 20% of the time it is work, but manageable. 10% of the time it's hell.

As long as he has that 70% or better (I've had whole years without an episode, for example) he stays. He reckons that with MH being such a variable thing you can't get blanket advice but run your own numbers. If the relationship over the last 11 months has been mostly good with 10% crisis, it might be worth trying to fight through. But if it's 90% hard and you're holding out hope in case it gets better, then don't.

He adds as well that MH rarely goes away entirely. You'll always be waiting, having to factor that in to all life plans, kids, mortgage etc. All our budget plans, for example, have to work on one salary if I can't work for a bit. It's not impossible but be realistic with what you can and can't cope with.

Op you sound lovely. Compassionate and kind. I fear these are attributes that mean you could easily spend your life treading on egg shells & putting yourself second to someone else's turbulent life.

You say in your OP it moved quickly because of his housing situation - not because you particularly felt ready - and that you feel you don't know the real him. Both of these make me wonder why you're even questioning your decision to walk away after such a short & mainly unpleasant time.

What do you want for yourself OP? Long term - where and what would you like to be?

You shouldn’t commit to still supporting him. It’s not appropriate, you’re too enmeshed. Allow other people to support him and try on with living your own best life.

If, in years to come, his disorder is consistently well managed and your paths cross again, you can reconsider.

I think you need to live in the reality that it is very unlikely to be anytime soon, or at all.

It might be helpful for you to find someone who can help you work though your own feelings from this.

I can't believe some of the unbelievable crap being spouted on this thread.
My partner suffers with BPD and bipolar and we've managed to stay together for 15 years
OP, you have a choice, you can choose to stay and support him, or you can choose to go if you don't think you can cope with the stresses of the relationship. You are justified in whichever choice you make.
BPD is really complex, but is based around fear of abandonment, lack of self identity and loss of any identity through enmeshment in a relationship, this sets up a very strong pull/push dynamic. Add to this the fact that BPD sufferers also have highly disproportionate emotional responses and a lack of cognitive control mechanisms, they can be extrememly challenging. But when they are idolizing you, that is just as real as when they demonize you.
They also don't lash out to be cruel or make you suffer, they are in constant emotional pain. This is a life term for them, you can choose to leave (and if you think this is the best action for you, then please do so, always look after you.) they can't
While you can't stop the emotional dysregulation, you can learn to de-escalate the situations and respond in a more empathetic way, that helps, a lot.
So, if everyone else could stop painting people with a serious illness as pariahs that will only destroy other peoples live, that would be nice.

OP, if you want to talk about what it's like living with someone with BPD, please DM me

I broke up with someone decades ago because he had a mental disorder and our relationship was chaotic - on-again, off-again, I need you, leave me alone etc.

I took a good long hard look at my future and decided I couldn't be responsible for him.

And I have absolutely no regrets. He was a good guy at heart but if I'd stayed with him, I wouldn't have been committing to the good guy but to his illness.

Set your boundaries
Get counselling and therapy for you
It s ok to walk away.
Right now he needs professional help

I think you have done the right thing by bringing the relationship to an end and I think you should distance yourself completely so that the boundaries are crystal clear or you will encourage his dependency on you and leave yourself open to further emotional manipulation / abuse. I say this based on bitter experience of being married to someone with serious mental illness for twenty years. The last ten years have been hell - daily criticism, shouting, swearing, months on end staying in bed, numerous hospital admissions, police, affairs, social services. In the midst of all that I have been the sole earner and have to had to employ nannies just to get by and to stay employed. Four nannies left because they couldn’t cope with my wife. 5 years ago a MH professional told me off the record that my wife would never get better, because personality disorders don’t ‘get better’. The optimist in me didn’t want to believe her, but I know now that she was dead right and I am finally filing for divorce. It will be messy, stressful and expensive and it wouldn’t surprise me at all if it kicks off further suicide attempts, which is the main reason i didn’t do it in the past. I am ashamed to admit it, but the thing that really clinched the decision for me to file for divorce was that my daughters (17 and 10) both asked me to. Their childhood has been trashed. Get out whilst you can, it sounds like you have the rest of your life ahead of you. I got used to the drained day to experience of it all, it became my ‘normal’.....please don’t run the risk that this happens to you. All the best.

It's not clear what you are getting from this relationship. It doesn't sound as though he enhances your life. I would move on.

OP I really feel for you.

I thought I could fix someone with MH issues. I loved her so much it hurts to even think about it. Despite therapy she just wouldn't improve.
In the end she gave up on me because I wasn't strong 100% of the time.

I know your pain with regards to walking away (I was pushed)...but you deserve to be happy too.

Hi Op
My son has borderline. It is quite rare to be diagnosed in a man. He is 27 and as his mother it is tough, one minute he'll say thanks for being there, the next minute he hates me....all it takes is a look or a sigh and BANG, he's gone!!

Having borderline is likened to living with no skin

I agree with ICanHazCake, everything she writes is true, and more. Likewise Jon1970

Does he self medicate with alcohol/drugs to stop the chaos in his head?

If you want to PM me as well, I would be happy to help

Thanks so much for the replies. ICanHazCakeNow Thank you for a different perspective. How do I DM you? I have the MumsNet app on my phone which seems to have limited options! Thanks x

Jon1970 I'm sorry you had it so tough. Did your ex have BPD? I hope you have found some happiness now. Thank you for sharing.

SofaKing I would love to message you if only I could work out how!

SofaKing he doesn't drink anymore because it just intensified his emotions, and he has never touched drugs, thankfully.

I’ve name changed for this.

I have borderline personality disorder. I have always resented the label as it is a very negative one and all traits and symptoms are so bloody negative and destructive.

I like to think I have it mildly. Meaning I don’t excessively gamble or fuck around to feel things or have awful poisonous relationships. But there’s no denying I have it.

OP I mentally cannot ever change the way I think. I can never see anyone else’s view. I cannot control the highs and the mania. I cannot stop myself. I am in a relationship. And we have both learned that it’s actually easier to ride out the bpd waves. Because I come down and I can say ‘that was irrational. I still feel that way but I know you don’t and my actions and behaviour were not ok’

I would not want to be in a relationship with me. We do not get better. We do not even get good at hiding it. It’s not something you can hide. It’s how we are and it is hard for us but i imagine it’s 100% harder for those around us.

Thank you. Of course you wouldn't want to be with you, because, if you don't mind me saying, your view of the world is slightly distorted. I'm sure your partner loves many things about you, as I do with my boyfriend. Like somebody said earlier, it's a bit of a numbers game. If 90% of the time it's a fantastic relationship then it's well worth it. My doctor told me to try not to get carried away with the label, and to look at the person as an individual instead. Do you mind me asking if you've had therapy or take medication?

I fear my post last night was a tad dramatic. I was having a stressful night with a poorly baby.

I have head many years of medication and therapy started from age 11. I’ve had 2 admissions (non sectioned) into psychiatric hospital for a month and a fortnight respectively. It was when I was in said hospital that a specialist came to see me and gave me the bpd diagnosis. I had previously been living with the belief I had severe manic depression and bipolar with schizophrenic tendencies.

I started a group BPD therapy but honestly it was so unhelpful for me. I was very young and had just found out I was pregnant (complete accident. I used contraception and have PCOS and never had periods so it was a bloody miracle conception) and in a group of 13, 12 women and 1 young guy, 7 of them had children, only 1 of them had custody of their children. That was a truly terrifying place for me. Seeing all these women who were ‘adults’ to me, and seeing how much of a mess their life was. I couldn’t do it. The whole therapy was 1 day a week for a year, then 3 days a week for 6 months, and then 5 days a week for a year. It was a bloody full time job. Basically how to function as a normal person and not act on your crazy impulses. But as I was in the beginning stage, it was essentially a meeting where we went round the group and shared the awful things we had done that week.

I came off all medication for the whole of my pregnancy and I honestly think depression was my worst problem. I was addicted to being depressed and it was all I knew. But I dragged myself out of it for the sake of my unborn baby. There was no way in hell was I going to do anything to jeopardise my baby.

I have 2 children now. I’m a good mum. I may shout and use chocolate as a bribe too often, and the telly is on more than recommended. But I’m still off medication and my god they keep me from ever being my old self again. They have made me new.

You’re right when you say our view of the world is distorted. The way I see things feels so different from the way my partner sees things and I cannot fathom any other view than my own. I can’t understand why people feel certain things or do certain things. I can never just go ‘ah well each to their own’. It makes me tear my hair out (literally. I have trichotillamania) that the world doesn’t work the way I see it.

The gods honest truth is I know if I hadn’t fell pregnant when I did, I would be dead. I had nothing but the downwards self destructive path I was on, and it was only a matter of time before I threw myself off a bridge or in front of a lorry.

I am a terrible obsessive person. I will swing from thing to thing and it will be my main focus and I can’t see anything else but that. Which in itself isn’t terrible because I am very positive and creative and just have so many things I am so passionate about. My kids ground me and pull me back away from complete obsessive manic episodes. Instead I’ll just start baking and we will bake from breakfast till bedtime and cover the house in muffins and cakes and bread and then realise we have no where to put them.

I’m sorry I really have waffled on. I love my partner and I know he loves me fiercely, he is very protective of me which can be frustrating, but he only worries that the dark place in my head will come out again. But for now, he grits his teeth and bares it and says that he wouldn’t change me because the ups far outweigh the downs.

Your partner sounds like he’s in a very bad place. I’ve been in that place. Now I’m not saying ‘have a baby! It fixes everything!’ Because that is ridiculous. But what I am saying is that for some people, things get better. I forced it better. But I had hormones on my side. It doesn’t have to be a relationship where you are just making excuses and taking all the crap from someone because they cant stop themselves.

I imagine if wouldn’t be too different to living with someone with Aspergers. They are the way they are and it doesn’t change. But provided they are functioning independently and not in a bad place, it doesn’t have to be anything other than a normal ish relationship.

Your ex is in a bad place. You need to decide if you WANT to be by his side through this. At the end of the day, I doubt you will make much difference go his recovery or progression. A partner isn’t a big enough drive. And you need to decide if that’s the life you are choosing for yourself. Because it’s very common for people with BPD to have severe irrational insecure abandonment issues. So if you are going to walk away and have your life without this, now is the time.

This is obviously just my opinion and my journey briefly. But I do think that now is the time to decide if you stay or go.

Also PP mentioned passing on any mental illness to potential children. It’s something I feel sick about every day. Looking at my beautiful babies and wondering if they will ever go through the twisted pain that I have, of their mind against them. It’s uncommon for men to pass it on. But it’s always possible.

Living with someone with a severe mental health issue is going to be different in every case, even with the same diagnosis.

I would say that from your experience of living with your boyfriend, you should definitely leave, and don't feel guilty about it. He isn't stable enough, you can't cope with his behaviours.
Leaving doesn't have to mean you don't love him and want the best for him, you're leaving to protect yourself, you have to put yourself first honestly.

namechangebpd - Your message has really helped- thank you. It sounds like therapy wasn't helpful to you because you were early on in your diagnosis and was witnessing the worst case scenarios! It's such an unknown condition that I think we are generally unaware of people with this condition, like yourself, who function well, have custody of their children and are brilliant parents! You really do sound like you're in a good place and your children are lucky to have you.

I wouldn't worry too much about passing this on to your children. It seems like, from what I've read, that biological factors have to interact with environmental factors, so if your children grow up in a nurturing, loving and stable environment, their chances of being diagnosed with BPD are less, yes? I'm early on in my research of BPD so could be wrong.

I think you are a good example of how personal strength can pull you through. For you, your children are a big drive for functioning normally. I think you should be really proud of yourself for everything you have achieved whilst living with such a difficult disorder.

My partner and I had a few days away from each other which seems to have done us good. He has acknowledged how intense the situation became and I know that I want to be with him and support him. His depression seems to have lifted somewhat; I think his antidepressants have started to work. I am aware that we need to tread carefully and that this is a lifelong condition, but I think, with the right support and medication, we will be ok. The positives do outweigh the negatives, even though in my OP I didn't really mention that. Plus, it's difficult to be hopeful when supporting someone with severe depression.

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to reply. This thread has been enormously helpful.

I’m glad the anti depressants seem to be working. They have saved my life more than once and can be fantastic things. I often feel like a volcano, dormant and fine one minute, and then explosive the next. And not in an angry way. Just in an intense emotional way. Like a raw nerve ending being poked. It’s not always like that.

I really really wish you both all the best!