Should his behaviour be excused because of his mental illness?

[merrykate]

I broke up with my boyfriend today. He had a breakdown and will possibly be diagnosed with a severe mental disorder. He's started to get help but it's a long road to recovery. He's dealt with trauma and abuse all his life.

I've known him for a few years. When we first got together 11 months ago he was affectionate and loving, but this didn't last long. He moved in quite early on because of his housing situation, I helped him out basically and we were in love; it felt right at the time. Depression soon set in and he was in denial for a long time. The last 5 weeks have been hell. I know he didn't mean to hurt me but he has blamed me for not understanding, accused me of being weak, threatened to smash my house up when I've suggested he move out, many threats of suicide with one serious attempt. He is very up and down because of his illness. He has had a tough time with nightmares and flashbacks. I would be awake with him but he was so distant and would push me away. He sometimes said he wanted people to suffer the way he suffers. He also said he wanted to make me hate him so that I would deal with his suicide better. Really messed up I know, but all symptoms of what the professionals suspect he has: Borderline Personality Disorder.

I feel so distraught thinking that I've given up on someone who is clearly suffering, but my mental health also suffered as a result of the way he CHOSE to treat me.

We were together such a short time that I couldn't work out who was the real him. I've said I'll still support him and he wants us to be together when he's better. It's so complicated because I feel like we've broken up not because we don't love each other, but because of this horrendous disorder.

I feel like until he gets himself 100% better having a functional relationship is impossible (unless perhaps you have been together for years, but it feels like our whole relationship has had this undercurrent of sadness and trauma because of his mental health issues).

Is mental illness an excuse for treating your partner poorly?

(Please be kind. I'm fragile and didn't make the decision to end things easily).

My BPD is relatively quite mild, no hospital admissions or suicidal bids. But extreme anxiety at times, extreme stress triggered quite easily and angry in a split second. Relationships haven't worked out but I need to be on my own, feel smothered/imprisoned by 24/7 interaction and can lash out verbally [never physically]. My remorse after an episode/crisis is immense too, I so regret being me and my responses. I do not feel normal a lot of the time, other times I do and can't see a problem. My sons have been my saviours and I love them so much, they do not walk away and know there is a problem but just know I blow up, get upset then calm down.

However I have a close friend of 17+years who has not walked away and has put up with stuff from me many times. She says most of the time it's a great friendship, that I am just deeply hurt and understandably emotional due to many incidents in the past. She's intelligent, caring and amazing...rare to find and I owe her so much. She stays when others have walked and I respect and admire that immensely.

Slightly different situation but my ex-H has Aspergers and eventually I left because the way he behaved was making me and the kids ill. I remember trying to explain to a counsellor how I felt and the bottom line was his behaviour was abusive to me. I don't think he set out to hurt me. I don't think he even really understands that he did. He was just using coping mechanisms he had learned but they were unhealthy and the end result was abusive behaviour. For a long time I excused it. Eventually I decided that since he was unwilling to admit his part in our difficulties or make any changes, the best option was to walk away.

In your shoes, I would walk away.