can marriage survive with no sex?

[trytobebestdad]

would love to hear other peoples point of view (particularly female)
essentially my wife and i married for 13 years two children aged 5 and 7 and are in our late 30's
since 5 year old sex has been on the slower side but occurring every week-10 days.
now over the past few months my wife and i nave been having problems (her flirting with another guy bt text message leading to trust issues from my point of view) and I hope we have worked this all through but it has left a glaring problem with our marriage.
she no longer wants to have sex with me and hasn't for some time.
She no longer finds me attractive any more or interesting any more (she wants me to spend more time out of the house doing things without her and to flirt more with other girls) she already goes out 2-3 nights a week doing netball and going to the pub and I go out one night a week doing martial arts. we both have busy job. my argument is i cant really spend any more time out of the house or our children won't see much of us

on talking she's ays she no longer wants to have sex, ever. she has always considered it a chore, something she has had to do to keep me happy and if she's honest she really doesn't enjoy the effort and would rather play with her ann summers collection.
What hurts is that our sex is all focussed around her pleasure, and wants and needs and this is something i regually ask her. She says she appreciates my effort but just cant be bothered with it all
Ive tried all ways to find out how i can make things better for her that way, (in all honesty without having an ego im pretty good at sex too)

anyway it culminated yesterday with her saying she would rather me have sex with other women outside of the marriage as that way it will stop me asking her if she fancies it any more and that way she hasn't got to worry about my needs any more and can just have togetherness in the marriage.

we discussed was it just she didnt want to have sex with anyone or just me. she said that if it was a new relationship she probably would start having sex again as its part of the "chase" to get a man but then after that unlikely she would still want to do it

She doesn't seem to understand that i dont want to sleep with other women, almost seems quite cross i didnt and doesn't seem to understand my feelings that without sex i feel our marriage is missing something really important.

im not quite sure how to proceed here as she feels its me who has the problem and she has offered the solution, i cant see anything else more i can do to improve the situation and we have talked this over so many times now we are not going any where

essentially she says over the past few years she's been faking enthusiasm for my benefit but her mind hasn't really been in it at all

i feel quite devistated and not sure how to continue

If it was mutual and you were both people who weren't interested in sex, I don't think it is a problem. Every marriage is unique and you do what makes it work for you.

However, she is clearly putting her needs and wants ahead of yours and although nobody should have sex if they don't want to, if it is important for you then this is going to cause you a lot of pain in the long term.

It sounds like she sees sex as a purely physical act for pleasure (or not) but for you it is a way of connecting.

Do you still feel close to her without the sex? Does she still give you the intimacy you need without the sex?

There are a lot of book which can give really good advice but if she is unwilling to try, you need to decide whether what the marriage still gives you is enough. Nobody can tell you what is best for you.

Good luck OP

She sounds horrible.

Obviously no one should have sex except if they enthusiastically want to. She doesn't. You do. That's sad but is unlikely to change.

I think a marriage can certainly last many years of complete celibacy if both people are committed to the marriage and continue to engage with each other emotionally with affection despite the lack of physical activity.

I would doubt that a marriage could survive if you go along with her idea that you both start seeking out other partners. Unless you can both wholeheartedly embrace the principles of polyamory and work out a set of ethics that you both feel comfortable to live by which would enable additional people to be part of a wider relationship network but still remain committed to one another. If you have no interest in anyone but her that's unlike to work though.

It seems more likely that what she wants is to have an affair or affairs until she finds someone who wants to commit to her, at which point she will want a divorce - then a few years later she will have reached the same point again, and so on for as long as she has the energy.

She doesn't sound very mature and I expect she has self-esteem issues at the root of all this.

Your priority has to be your kids. They are in line to be the most damaged by the chaos that could ensue from all this. How can you best ensure their emotional wellbeing? If your wife decides on centralising her own pleasure and starts pursuing affairs and new relationships then you will need to be the grownup who actually puts them first.

I'll be honest. Her thoughts went through my head. I hoped dh would cheat or thoyght about offering an open marriage. I wasnt interested in sex. At all. Not with him or anyone else.

I am now seperated and looking back thats when I started, on some level, realising my marriage was done. At the time i thought it would be the solution to our problems.

I havent met or had sex with anyone else. But now I am seperated, i have moved from not wanting to ever bother with sex again to 'actually I think i do want to have sex'.

The sad truth is that i no longer eanted to have sex with dh. I just wasnt ready to admit my marriage was done.

The spending more time out of the house is really sad to hear. Yes there are so many red flags waving here, there’s no ambiguity, she’s telling you exactly where you stand.

It sounds like she’s checking out of the relationship.

Your marriage is dead. Really it is. However much you both want it to be true. Time for an amicable split. Think about how to make that work for everyone’s good. It isn’t necessarily worse for the kids than the traditional set up.

From what you’ve said it’s not just the sex that’s the problem she doesn’t want to be with you. She wants you and her to do more separate things. I feel the marriage is dead in her eyes but not admitting to it.
Sex is an expression of love and togetherness and you desire sex to feel that. She doesn’t feel that.

No, I don't think it can survive.

I am getting divorced and lack of any physical closeness is one of the reasons.

It can survive a sexless marriage...If it's a mutual choice.

At this point you are being used for stability in this marriage.

She doesn't find you attractive, doesn't want sex or intimacy with you...doesn't even want you in the house much either.

If it was me I'd be looking to end the marriage and separate amicably.

There are many women out there who will be a better match for you.

Exactly what wallywobbles said!!

Just to add, my parents grew apart they hated each other it was obvious, eventually my dad had an affair and all hell broke loose. Was a very bitter divorce despite them not being happy together. Do it for the kids.

She's telling you you marriage is over in a really gutless lazy way. She wants her bed and to lie in it. Stop facilitating her nonsense and be brave to end this dead relationship so you can both find happiness.

I'm divorced because I don't want to have sex any more, I'm sick of being mauled about. Suits me to be single.
It depends how old your wife is, is she menopausal or younger? Sometimes at menopause you just really don't want to know at all, that's how it was in my case.
If she is not menopausal then I'm afraid it sounds like she is just either naturally asexual or is not in love with you any more.
You need to go to counselling and sort this out and then do something about it, it could be the marriage is at an end.

We tried counselling didn’t really work
Certainly not menopausal
Really don’t want to/can’t believe she doesn’t love me any more, we’ve had such a horrible month or arguing and we’ve got through it ok and now she is still affectionate- cuddling etc and tells me she loves me, I genuinely believe if she did t she wouldn’t say that

Sorry but, she’s taking the absolute piss. Why are you putting up with such a high maintenance princess? Bin her off, you can do far better than that

Wholeheartedly agree with thenaze and others above. She is ripping you off! Definately selfish and immature. I would put your energy into what your username suggests and try to be the best dad! I am sure you will get appreciation from them as opposed to a lack of empathy, respect and kindness from her.
She doesnt deserve your support or love
She is using you to sponsor her choices that don't include a happy marriage.
Cut her off, let her go find her perception of happiness so you can find a woman with a heart. Good luck to you

She is either having an affair and basically wants the best of both worlds. Telling you to go and have sex with others will allay her guilt for what she is currently doing.

Or.... she just doesn't love you anymore. Certainly doesn't want to spend time with you.

I couldn't live with either scenario.
But this is your life and your decision.
She's treating you very very badly.

Could you look at what would happen if you separated?
How many DC?
Is the house mortgaged etc...?

A marriage can survive without sex if it’s mutual decision. My husband had health problems which meant he couldn’t make love to me, his medication took away all sexual desire, it was a source of so much sadness for both of us. After he died, I was so glad I stayed faithful, even though it was so difficult. I was tempted so many times. Don’t really know how I didn’t give in as I missed it so much. Your wife doesn’t seem to care about your feelings at all. Get out before you waste any more time.

The message is 'she still loves you as a friend, not as a husband any longer'. It's not just about sex if you read the clues. There's the wanting you more away from the house ( having a life of your own), the 'I don't find you attractive any longer' (I don't fancy you), and the flirty texts (clearly disrespectful towards you).

It sounds like she wants her cake and eat it, ie. the security of the marriage, a father for her children, all this given her the lifestyle she enjoys, but without the intimacy.

I'm afraid she could very much (voluntary or not) be looking for someone else, who will offer a similar lifestyle, but also the excitment she has lost with you. She will claim innocence when it happens, that she's just fallen in love, wasn't looking for it. She will play you for some time to test that what she's embarking into is worth what she is losing, and then she will turn it that you pushed her to it and it really your fault.

Don't let it happen.

It’s all stemming from a book she’s read called maiting in captivity, apparently the more time you spend apart doing other things the more you then desire each other when you are together, problem is in quite a simple straight forward personality. And often struggle to see why people would think like that

I wish people would actually read the Op properly!

She is not menopausal - she's only in her 30's.

She is not A-sexual - she has a range of Ann Summers toys which she uses alone.

It is so very clear to me what is happening here. She's having an affair (hence the sexy text messages) and she no longer desires her husband.

Personally, I'd tell her to fuck off. There is no coming back from this. She isn't even hiding it. She's told Op to his face she doesn't want him, and that she wants him to sleep with other women.

Op - do you need it on a big placard? She's telling you straight that it's over.

Oh and for what it's worth, a woman's sex drives increases massively in her late 30's. She wants lots of sex, but with other men. Did you get together very young? If so, that would make sense as to why this is happening now. A hugely increased sex drive and a feeling that she's not getting any younger, perhaps only has 12 years till menopause, and she wants to sleep around a bit and experience other men before it's all over for her.

tjing is I really want to make it work, I’m not worried about the kids, I know they will be fine if we seperate
And financially I would be better off if we did because of the way we split our money so it’s not that reason I want to make it work, 13 years down the line I’m still just crazy about her, even more then the day we met and want it to work for that reason

No we got together her aged 26 me 24 so not too young

increases massively in her late 30's. She wants lots of sex, but with other men.

That’s my biggest fear
I even broached with her yetstsy re if she wanted to go to a swingers club or something to seee if that would spark things but she didn’t fancy that either, that’s when she suggested I go sleep with other women

She is not A-sexual - she has a range of Ann Summers toys which she uses alone.

Weirdly she says that doesn’t count as sex and it’s complete different