can marriage survive with no sex?

[trytobebestdad]

would love to hear other peoples point of view (particularly female)
essentially my wife and i married for 13 years two children aged 5 and 7 and are in our late 30's
since 5 year old sex has been on the slower side but occurring every week-10 days.
now over the past few months my wife and i nave been having problems (her flirting with another guy bt text message leading to trust issues from my point of view) and I hope we have worked this all through but it has left a glaring problem with our marriage.
she no longer wants to have sex with me and hasn't for some time.
She no longer finds me attractive any more or interesting any more (she wants me to spend more time out of the house doing things without her and to flirt more with other girls) she already goes out 2-3 nights a week doing netball and going to the pub and I go out one night a week doing martial arts. we both have busy job. my argument is i cant really spend any more time out of the house or our children won't see much of us

on talking she's ays she no longer wants to have sex, ever. she has always considered it a chore, something she has had to do to keep me happy and if she's honest she really doesn't enjoy the effort and would rather play with her ann summers collection.
What hurts is that our sex is all focussed around her pleasure, and wants and needs and this is something i regually ask her. She says she appreciates my effort but just cant be bothered with it all
Ive tried all ways to find out how i can make things better for her that way, (in all honesty without having an ego im pretty good at sex too)

anyway it culminated yesterday with her saying she would rather me have sex with other women outside of the marriage as that way it will stop me asking her if she fancies it any more and that way she hasn't got to worry about my needs any more and can just have togetherness in the marriage.

we discussed was it just she didnt want to have sex with anyone or just me. she said that if it was a new relationship she probably would start having sex again as its part of the "chase" to get a man but then after that unlikely she would still want to do it

She doesn't seem to understand that i dont want to sleep with other women, almost seems quite cross i didnt and doesn't seem to understand my feelings that without sex i feel our marriage is missing something really important.

im not quite sure how to proceed here as she feels its me who has the problem and she has offered the solution, i cant see anything else more i can do to improve the situation and we have talked this over so many times now we are not going any where

essentially she says over the past few years she's been faking enthusiasm for my benefit but her mind hasn't really been in it at all

i feel quite devistated and not sure how to continue

OP, you are very good at coming up with excuses for your wife’s behaviour. I am bowing out.

This is so sad. This is so common. So many women on here saying my DH would never cheat on me, then bang, he's pulled the rug out from under their feet.

It doesn't matter how much you think she's sexy. Cos she aint interested, not even a little bit.

She loves you like her brother - think about that. Hugs, totally asexual. No snogs, no touching her skin, her body, no sex, not ever (maybe the odd drunken fumble which leaves you devastated).

Please start the separation process. Find your self respect and pull on your big boy pants. This is never going to come back, but sadly she's too much of a wimp to pull the plaster off.

Ok. So an opinion. If you are willing to read a book for her, how about ones for yourself. I read ' no more Mr nice guy' by Dr Glover, which despite its title isn't telling you to be an ass. It is about doing things for yourself and having a plan for yourself. Also 'the mindful attraction plan' by Athol Kay. These are books about being confident, independent and being good to yourself. Women can be attracted by confident men, whereas it sounds as though you are doing everything for her, because of your insecurities. She is taking advantage of you and these insecurities. To be attractive to most women you have to be a man. I'm not necessarily talking the archetypal alpha you see in movies, but your own man, with your own agenda. Confidence is key. If she thinks that you really need her more than she does you, (that seems blatantly obvious from your posts) she is in a position of power. Spend time with male friends. Do not seek an affair, as this will just be an excuse for her. Personally I think she is having an affair of sorts, even if it is just an emotional affair at this stage. You need to be the best you can be, physically, in what you do and morally. Anyone can become more attractive to others, so even if it all fails with her, you can leave with your head up and find someone who appreciates you. Be the man, not her puppy. Good luck.

She sounds exactly like my ex, who I would never ever have left but who eventually left me and I was extraordinarily hurt by the way she did it. I found someone else both nicer and more suited to me in every possible way. I don't think you should hang around any more.

As PP have said, if she’s not already having an affair then she’s certainly on her way to having one.

This situation must be killing you, OP. The problem is that the more you try and cling on to the fragments of your old relationship, the more she’ll find you unattractive and needy.

You’ll keep on feeling like shit until you find the strength to tell her where she can stick her texting to other men etc, and start organising your separation.

DTB for sure. When she says she doesn’t want sex she’s lying, she just doesn’t want it with you! If she wasn’t interested why would she have lots of toys? The whole thing about you finding another woman is a smoke screen, chances are that’s her guilt talking as she is already at it with someone else. Get the hell out now whilst you still have some pride and dignity...dtb!

Oh and another thing...kick her out of the house for the flirty messages alone. Make her realise just what she’s going to risk. At the moment she’s too comfortable as you’re doing everything and paying for everything. Time to man up and embrace your inner bastard and show her you will not have the piss taken out of you in this way. The more you minimise and make excuses for her behaviour, the more she will take the piss....don’t stand for it one second longer.

Can a marriage survive without sex for long periods? Mine has. I had a period of around five years where I had no sex drive due to hormonal problems caused by medication. It was extremely difficult but we survived it. The same happened after our twins were born for about a year. Again we survived that.

The difference is that our relationship was otherwise very strong, and I had no sex drive at all - no sex toys, couldn't consider having sex with anyone, I just couldn't stand the thought of it. The other difference is that I wanted to change it, did whatever I could to change it, and when my hormones have been working properly we have very frequent and very good sex. I could never have suggested my DH have sex with someone else - I made it clear that I believed the problem was changeable but I didn't know how long that would be, and that I understood if he wanted to leave but I didn't want him to if it were up to me. I had to make it his choice.

Doesn't sound like there's much to be saved here, or much making up for the fact that you have no intimacy whatsoever.

If she's using sex toys on her own, she has a sex drive. If she isn't, I'd recommend seeing a doctor to be sure there isn't an underlying medical issue but sounds more like your marriage has reached the end I'm afraid.

I think I have told you this before. You are a complete mug.

You have her on a pedestal she doesn't deserve to be on and she knows it ... hence she had the audacity to say what she does.

The person who cares the least in a relationship holds the most power. That person is your wife

You'd did well reading 'No more Mr. Nice guy'

I'm getting the impression she's after a bad boy for excitement.

The number of times I've had men say their wife doesn't want sex... then discover she's been having an affair amazes me.

OP, you are very good at coming up with excuses for your wife’s behaviour.

^..^.^.^

This a million times. She finds you boring but won't say it.

I think it's time she understood 'loss'!
You are doing the 'pick me' dance and it's not attractive at all.
It erodes all respect.
Time, as we say on here, to pull up your big boy pants and do something about this.
I think if you have somewhere you could go, a 2-4 week trial separation might be a good thing.

Your marriage is over and staying with your wife doesn’t change that, she’s made it very clear that she’s checked out and is unwilling to work or end the marriage. The balls in your court, stay and collude in the destruction of your self respect or bite the bullet and start a new chapter.

It takes two save a marriage and your wife is willing to throw you enough crumbs to keep you around (for convenience) but not enough to sustain you. The question is no longer can your marriage survive? It’s past that, it’s now ‘how long will your MH hold up wanting someone who doesn’t respect you’?

Thanks for advice
I’ll read those books, just downloaded one to my firetab
Had arranged a date night tonight but she stood me up